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Frequently Asked Questions (Youth)

Written by: Exodus Youth | December 11th, 2007

What questions do you have? Below are answers to some of the questions we are asked most often. If you have a general question that isn’t here, and we’ll add it to the list!

19 Responses to “Why is it wrong to love someone of the same sex?”

  1. xstrifeangelx says:

    What I really don’t understand is…Why does it hurt so bad to care about someone of your own gender so much, but at the same time know it’s not meant to be?

  2. Mike Ensley says:

    Xstrife, sometimes a what draws us to someone we have a lot of feelings for is more than just attraction or love. That’s why we focus sometimes on issues like feelings of shame, inadequacy, unhealthy perceptions of gender or relationships, etc. The pain and confusion caused by stuff like that can all sort of mix together and come out in our feelings for a particular person. That’s why the feelings you may feel for someone can be so overwhelming.

    When that happens, we can get an idea in our head of what we want the relationship to look like, and often it’s a very unrealistic one. Accepting that it’s not “meant to be” may be painful, but as you grow more mature and secure you’ll be able to have healthier, more genuine relationships that are more fulfilling on a deeper level–and aren’t a source of dependency.

  3. Cabiano says:

    so…
    what if I want to hug someone?
    I mean, if there is someone (of the same sex of course) who I long for, and I imagine him hugging me, is that wrong?

  4. Mike Ensley says:

    Hey, Cab. Hugs are perfectly ok. In fact, life without hugs would be pretty sad! The only thing I would say is that we need to make sure the affection we show is genuine, and not centered around trying to meet our own needs.

    I can definitely relate to that feeling of longing for another guy’s affection, so much so that I have pictured in my head what that would look like. The trouble is, we can get so wrapped up in our imagination–and trying to make the relationship we’ve imagined into reality–that we don’t honestly connect with the real people around us. Real intimacy and fellowship isn’t something you can accomplish when you’re all up inside your own head.

    That’s why we go to God with those inner needs that can sometimes feel overwhelming. He’s the only one who can adequately address those hurting areas of our hearts.

  5. Scott Davis says:

    A recent poster wrote a comment that got lost:

    No one mentions here that one can’t help what kind of love one feels for anyone. Any human being who has ever been a teenager knows that almost none of the romantic feelings you develop are wanted or welcome, and NONE of them are brought about consciously. You can’t control them; you can’t help them. The author of this post speaks as though you controlled how you felt about this person, that all the love you feel for them is normal "friend" love and that you’re simply so physically focused on sex that you’re trying to bring sex into a relationship where sex isn’t appropriate.

    This might be a common question, so I would like to respond:

    I’m not sure how to make the article more clear, but the point is not that people consciously choose to transform a friendship-type love into sexual desire. Instead, this is something that happens subconsciously and even against our own wishes. You say, “one can’t help what kind of love one feels for anyone.” There’s certainly truth in this, though I would argue that we definitely have a fair bit of influence over it depending on whether we choose to reinforce it, fantasize, pursue it, etc, or just let it go.

    But in general, our feelings aren’t something we are consciously in control of. In many ways they are a mystery to us. But just because we feel something doesn’t mean those feelings are right and good! The Christian worldview states, in fact, that all human beings desire to do all kinds of things that are wrong, even wicked, because of our rebellion against God. Looking around the world, I see all kinds of people doing lots of terrible things, so that sure seems to be true.

    So as imperfect human beings, we can’t just go with our feelings on everything. We have to evaluate them to see what is right and what is wrong. As the article states, not all expressions of love are good and appropriate. Homosexuality is just one example. Adultery, incest, and pornography are some more common examples.

  6. shyne4jesus says:

    Ok so what I am wondering is…the benefits of marriage…I’m talking about the ability to go visit a dying someone you love when they have cancer…Why shouldn’t homosexual people be allowed to a right like that? Also, how do we know that homosexuality is even a bad thing? In Leviticus, homosexuality is called an abomination of God. About two verses before hand, eating shellfish is an abomination of God…? So if I eat shellfish, am I denied rights as well? Also, I know that when Jesus came, most of the rules and traditions of the old testament didn’t matter anymore, because Jesus was the new way to salvation. Well, Jesus never talked about homosexuality…so how do we know that it’s necessarily a bad thing? What I think is that the benefits allowed for married people should require something different, not marriage. Please answer my questions! I’m really struggling with this issue!

  7. shyne4jesus says:

    Scott: So what if homosexuality is just another example of the sin of sex outside marriage? Why can’t homosexual people get married then?

  8. Scott Davis says:

    shyne,

    Here are a couple articles that speak directly to the questions you’re asking about the Bible:
    https://exodusyouth.net/2008/09/09/what-does-the-bible-really-say-part-1/

    But let me give a quick response to your questions:

    - is scripture clear that homosexuality is sin? Absolutely. God’s design (Genesis 1-3) is of a man and woman. He created them, brought them together, and that’s why they “become one flesh.” Jesus quoted this very text when he talked about why divorce is always wrong. The New Testament on several occasions specifically quotes the OT verses against homosexual behavior. Check out Romans 1:24-27 and 1 Cor 6:9-11. The Bible is consistent from start to finish that sexuality is designed by God and reserved for a husband and wife.

    - but there are some things in the Old Testament that aren’t required of Christians? Yup, things like eating shellfish, which were ceremonial laws designed to help the Israelites stay separate from the pagan nations around them. The ban on homosexuality isn’t a ceremonial law, but a command rooted in how God created man and woman from the very beginning. That’s why sexual laws are mentioned as much in the NT as in the OT.

    - but there are other sexual sins besides homosexuality, so does that make it ok? No, of course not. Premarital sex, sex with someone besides your husband/wife, homosexual sex — these are all behaviors which are direct rebellion against how God created us to live. So the real question is whether to obey God in what he says or not…

    - isn’t homosexuality just another example of sin outside of marriage, so they should be able to marry? Not quite – homosexual sex is a further breaking of God’s design, being both outside of marriage and in addition being between two people of the same sex. Marriage wasn’t created by man, but by God — so it’s not something we can redefine to include two partners of the same sex. No matter what we call it, it isn’t marriage in God’s eyes.

  9. eac12890 says:

    I have asked the same questions many of you are asking, such as "how do we know homosexuality is really that bad?" and "why is it wrong to love someone of the same sex?"

    I was in a lesbian relationship for a year and we planned to move to Massachusetts to get married. I was the president of the gay-straight alliance at my high school, I was fully out as a lesbian.

    What really made me start to question my identity was how unhappy I became toward the end of the relationship I was in. We did break up, even after promising we’d "be together forever" and even planning to adopt children. We were only 16 and 17 at the time, and we had serious needs (like affirmation and affection) that weren’t being met by our families. When we found each other as friends we definitely didn’t plan to become sexually attracted to one another. Well, I know I didn’t.

    But I did know that lines were being crossed, and that we began to spend WAY too much time together. I also knew that when I felt physically attracted to her that it was because I’ve never felt comfortable around men. Instead of addressing these realities I stuffed them down and got more active in the gay community. I felt like I finally found my true identity. But 11 months into our relationship, I was having suicidal feelings almost daily and didn’t feel that "spark" anymore.

    Did I consciously decide to fill my need for God with this relationship? No, I didn’t realize that at the time. But was it still sin? Yes.

    We do things that are wrong ignorantly and innocently every day. Under Jesus’ blood we’re forgiven, though, and through God’s word we’re shown the way to life.

    If what we desire is life, not death- why would we be sexual in ways that didn’t lead to life? The sex I participated in with my partner was not to reproduce- it was for pleasure only. At the time I told myself it was "making love" and that it was "okay because we were so emotionally attached". In reality it got more and more cheap and I saw it for what it was: sin.

    Realizing I wasn’t born this way was a devastating realization. And living out my identity in Christ empowers me to learn more about the reason behind the same sex attraction I was led into. Same sex attractions may be something you struggle with intensely as a young person, but once you act on them and see how false the lifestyle really is, it won’t feel as appealing.

    Let me put it this way- the attractions you feel towards someone of the same sex are not wrong, they are warning signs that you have needs that aren’t being met.
    Homosexual feelings don’t somehow make you different from any other person on the planet, there are plenty of people who struggle with temptations to lie or cheat or steal, or act out sexually with people they aren’t married to,( of the opposite sex).

    God made humans male and female to love each other as Christ loved the church. I feel this is basic understanding of the Bible, not just one nit-pick issue.

    But always, the need for love is greater than the need for religion. Unless you understand that God loves you right now the way you are, you will continue to long for others’ love and attention. It is completely normal to have a need for community, for family, and for love.

    But these needs must be met in healthy, nonsexual ways. If you must, try to find a counselor. That’s what I’m still looking for right now, as well as a healthy, nonsexual community to love and accept me. I have not had any lesbian relationship after that last one ended and God showed me who I really am: a woman created by Him. I’m not an orphan. It’s easy for people struggling with homosexual feelings to feel like such an alien, an outsider, or a reject. But that’s NOT how God sees you, and you must bring your needs to Him, your pains to Him, your frustrations,
    so He can show you that you are already loved.

  10. Molly Moo says:

    So, for 2 years now I’ve had feelings for this one girl. The feelings eventually turned to love. I mean, I’ve gotton where it doesn’t matter if I’m happy, as long as she’s happy, I am. (You should know that she is straight, and she’s one of my closest friends, AND she doesn’t know how I feel about her.) Of course I’d like to hold her hand, I’d like to wrap my arms around her and just hold her forever, and sometimes I want to kiss her, to show her how much she means to me. I don’t want to be gay. That’s why I’m here. I mean, I’m a GIRL. It’s REALLY hard to fight your heart…… And you were talking about those other feelings? What other feelings?

  11. xoxoboundxoxo says:

    Umm…Hai guys…kinda new…here…
    Boy, thats some shame you go through…
    Anyway, I read your post Molly, and I know exactly what you are going through, cuz that’s what I am experiencing now, with one of my close friends. I mean, what you posted basically mimicked what I was going to say lol.

    You are right, It is hard to fight our hearts, but, The bible says, in, Jeremiah I think, "The heart is wicked and desperatly sick. Who can understand it?" Or something to that effect… What it makes me think of Molly, is that our Hearts are sinful. And being born in sin, it binds us, and in our calamity, we are so used to it, so taken in by it, that we love it. We love being bound by our affection to our guy friends, or our girl friends… And of course, we hate it too.. Must be that whole born again thing…:)
    It’s hard to fight sin (Our hearts), yeah, but I was reading on this today about how God gives us a way out of our temptation, and I suppose this site is maybe mine..well, ours. Jeez, it sorta sucks doin this…I would much rather go back to denial…But, then again, it’s full of nothin but calamity..
    What I am curious to know, and I think it will help all of us, maybe, But, I always hear everyone say "Just give it up to God," Well, how exactly do I give this to him? I cant just wrap it up in a box, and say, "Here you go, God. Your problem now," Ya know?

  12. Frank Carrasco says:

    Thats a great question! what does it mean to give it to God?

    There is an amazing speaker that addresses issues of sexual brokenness called Sy Rogers. He says that you must “admit it and submit it” what does that mean? He answers it means saying “God look at this(sin) I want this! But I want you more! Help me to choose you!” its not about giving it to Him and he’ll take it away. Its about choosing Him over the sin. Its about submitting it to Him. The good news is that the bible says “Resist the devil and he must flee” temptation does diminish over time. But its about submitting to Him (God) and to die to self daily. Its hard. I know… I would prefer to go into denial sometimes too! its so easy to just have these temptations and be swept by the tide of our passions… but there is such a great reward in resisting. For me its great to be at peace with God knowing I am walking in His will and knowing I can look at myself in the mirror every day and be ok with who I see. Keep pressing on!

  13. seekpeace says:

    i am suffocated, suffering right now i was raised in a broken home
    background. my dad have affair and my mum has been living in pain
    for more than twenty years… i kept praying to GOD, so HE would
    save my family but HE didn’t answer me maybe that’s how i became someone i dont want to be.. i was attracted to
    some girls…but i always ignore the feeling.. then i have this
    girl who is very close to me…i then started to develop feelings for her but i was in
    denial coz im afraid to broke our relationship. i kept praying to
    GOD to make that feeling go away… but then several months ago,
    that girl kissed me..i know it’s wrong but i enjoy it.. as time
    goes by, i love her really deep…i love her so much..she was my
    everything. she was the only one who could give me the feeling of happiness for all my
    life, i have never find someone like her..she loved me and i loved
    her so much no one has ever make me feel so happy like the way she
    make me feel happy but now she told me she realized we have no
    future. i was really hurt by those words she said.. im willing to do everything for her, i could even
    tell my family that i want to be with her..but its just too bad she
    dont want to do it.. she was afraid that no one will accept us… i
    told her, im willing to move to anywhere. i dont
    care about my family..but i really want to be with her… i love
    her more than anyone/anything in this world.. but she doesnt want
    it…it hurts me so much i’ve been thinking of suicide so many
    times coz i can’t live without her… i can’t tell anyone because no one knows about
    us…and i don’t want to hurt her i really want to give up on my
    life if i have to live without her i want to ask GOD why did he
    make me feel this way…why did he make her love me but in the end
    i can’t be with her someone please help me.

  14. Chris Stump says:

    Seekpeace, I know the pain has to be hard and even unbearable. But it’s important to understand that no one in this world can meet all of your needs. God is the only one who can provide you with what your heart hungers for. I know it’s sometimes natural to ask God why He made us a certain way when we are in deep despair. Something I’ve had to learn is that God doesn’t invoke pain on His children. Unfortunately it is sin and brokenness of this world, passed down from generation to generation that causes hardship. But God is peace and love, and He is your provider.

    Why it’s so hard to break from this relationship is because this girl was meeting a very real need in you. She was providing you with love, support, and encouragement. Some things you may never have experienced. That’s why it seems so hard to break from that relationship. She was your source for everything. But other people can’t be our source for everything, because like us, they are human and broken. When our source rejects us, it’s very hard to overcome. But when we acknowledge God as our source, it is safe to trust Him, because He will never forsake us. Don’t wrap your whole identity and needs in this one person. We do need other people…God designed us that way. But He did not design us to look to others as the source for all our unmet needs. Once you grow in relationship with God and He becomes your source, the pain will subside and you will walk freer than you ever were.

  15. james says:

    I’ve been a Christian all my life and have also been confused about
    about my sexuality throughout all my teen years and even before
    then. I know that homosexuality is wrong. But what exactly is
    homosexuality? Is it the act of sex between same-sexes that God
    condemns, or is it the emotional connection that can form between
    same-sexes, or both? By emotional connection, I am referring to the
    type that would exist between a boyfriend and girlfriend- the kind
    when they are too close to just be referred to as friends, but
    rather as a couple. Can this sort of connection exist between same
    sexes without it being labelled as sin, or wrong? In essence, what
    I am asking is, can I love another male deeply (the same as a
    regular boy would love a girl), all the while (and for the rest of
    my life) abstaining from sex, and would I still be condemned by God
    or fall into the same category as someone who has commited sexual
    sin?

  16. Lookingup says:

    Hello all, I still can’t believe I’m here..on this site..finally
    doing the thing I’ve needed to do for the past 6 years. Although I
    would never wish the struggle of SSA upon anyone, it does help me
    (selfishly I suppose) to know that I’m not the only one. I first
    realized it in the 7th grade when we were talking about how some
    people are raised as a certain gender and then find out later that
    they are really the opposite, that they were just late developing.
    Well that got me thinking about my own sexuality; it was more of a
    hypochondriac thing at first, I think, but I began to dwell on it
    so much that it sort of took root. My remaining middle school years
    were spent hiding it and compensating for this thing I knew was
    obviously wrong to God by trying to be really nice to people. I
    often felt depressed and even had suicidal thoughts, so during the
    summer I would run to channel away some of the emotions. I couldn’t
    understand why this was happening to me because I had been saved,
    and I was under the impression that these types of things didn’t
    happen to Christians. I prayed about it…for God to take it away.
    I think someone else on here posted something about giving your
    problems to God. At that time I really didn’t know what that
    meant…that it involved giving more of yourself to God instead of
    expecting him to just obliterate the struggle upon the asking of
    the struggler. After a while it just got to be too much of a burden
    and I had to tell someone who really couldn’t help me but lent an
    ear anyway during a time I really needed it. Before then, when I
    entered high school, I think I maybe had small panic attacks
    (unsure), and I started dating a guy. I really crossed some
    physical boundaries in that relationship (not “all the way) but in
    ways that I certainly would not now partially because I thought it
    would “cure” me. I did like the guy though, don’t get me wrong, I
    just allowed things to go too far because of my problem. I’m a girl
    by the way, so what I’m saying is that I still like boys–always
    have. I just have this additional thing attacked onto it. I stopped
    having suicidal thoughts after that, and realized finally that I
    needed to tell someone who could hold me accountable. So far I
    haven’t found that person yet. I would really like to find a
    Christian woman who has been through the same thing and overcome
    it/wrangled it. It’s just hard to find people like that without
    telling everyone. I held back from telling anyone for so long
    because saying it out loud would “make it official and for real.”
    Or that’s what I told myself; I’m sure you all can relate. Not
    until recently did I realize that “making it real” and getting it
    out is the only way to fix it. Some facts to know about me are that
    I’ve been a Christian in the sense that I’ve asked Christ into my
    life and repented of my sins a long time ago– before any of this
    arose– but I didn’t realize that salvation was a duel deal, or
    that it doesn’t really help you here on earth unless you live by it
    fully. My mom raised me as a Christian, and although my dad is not,
    I am very close to them both. They would never suspect this out of
    me. I’m the good kid, the quiet one who’s never been rebellious. I
    have no idea what they would think, but I don’t want to break their
    hearts. Also, I really want to get married to a good Christian
    fellow and have a family someday; but I feel that I can’t do that
    until I either deal with these feelings so that I don’t have them
    anymore or at least get them under control. And I want to be
    completely honest with my potential futute husband; I’m so afraid
    that I’ll find a wonderful guy and tell him of my struggles and
    he’ll shun me from his life. I know it’s futile to worry over these
    things because I just need to focus on God’s will for my life (Let
    His will be done!) and loving Him how I want to be loved, but it’s
    just hard not to consider. You all know. I know I cannot live with
    this plagueing my heart and mind– that is, truly live for God–
    and I surely don’t want to die like this. So I guess what I’m
    asking is how to begin the journey of self-discipline and gaining
    the mindset that God’s love alone is enough. Could someone get in
    touch with me? I looked for Exodus people in my area and they are
    all so far away. A support group would be good too; whatever you
    can find. I’ve looked on some of the other sites you’ve listed and
    applied for the one forums group but my application hasn’t been
    processed yet. I used to ask God why he allowed this to happen to
    me, and while I didn’t turn against him for it, I used to always be
    resentful. Now I really feel that everyone is allowed his/her own
    struggles for the purpose of growing closer to Christ through them
    (I know I am) and then helping others cope with/overcome the same
    struggles. And I cannot believe I’m saying this—but it is turning
    out to be a blessing instead of the curse I once thought it was.
    Maybe when I get this under control I can help people like us;
    that’s what I can hope to take from this. Thanks so much to all of
    you at Exodus; your ministry is helping mend lives. God bless.

  17. Painted Red says:

    Lookingup, have you found an accountability partner yet?? I can identify with you and your story so much! You said you finally told someone, who did you tell??? I’m asking because these thought have put me in such bondage, I know I need to reach out and tell someone, but I’m terrified that they won’t even give me a second glance as they leave, or they will never see me the same way again. I don’t want to tell my parents, it would disappoint them so much…

  18. takurin says:

    hi… uhm i’m new here… just wanted to share some complicated
    story about same sex relationship…it all started last october 2009. i have this friend of mine, a
    girl, who just broke up with her “girlfriend” because of some
    reasons that i could no longer explain to you in details. they were
    in a relationship for more than 6 years and they broke up. of
    course, as a good friend i couldn’t allow her to destroy her life
    and lose track just because of this so-called “stupid love”. i
    encouraged her not to lose hope and everything through sms/text. i
    adviced her to look for some guys at her age who’ll definitely love
    her more and much suited to her. then time passed by we became
    close friends. we texted every day, every night. and if my load
    balance goes to zero, she secretly load me up uhm in order for me
    to text her. well, as for me, i think i need to keep her busy for
    her not to feel alone again and reminisce the sad things that
    happened to her in her previous relationship. then here goes 2010.
    i don’t know but it seems that her treatment to me was a little
    different from our other friend coz there are three of us, all
    girls. when our other friend invited her out to go shopping or
    watch movie, etc., she just couldn’t go with her alone. she’ll just
    tell our friend to invite “me” too. at first, i thought she just
    wanted to hang-out with the three of us. but lately, i kinda find
    it weird because she gets mad at me oftenly when i share jokes.
    but, before the day ends she”ll apologize. then she wanted to
    spend time with me. she’ll invite me to watch movie even without
    our other friend. and because i’m so innocent, i go with her
    without asking this and that. and for other reasons i really loved
    to watch movies! :) back to the story… march 2010, the other
    friend of ours is going out of town because there are things that
    she needs to fix. and so, we were left behind, it’s just her and
    me. for me, it’s just another normal day, it’s just that our other
    friend is not here. but later on, when we went to the hospital for
    her “check-up” she started to act strangely. but, i just don’t
    bother to mind it. i just thought maybe she’s just too excited in
    her check-up. before she left me in the benches, she handed me down
    her phone because our other friend might call and she wanted me to
    answer it. and so, she went inside the clinic and i was left alone.
    suddenly, her phone vibrates. i thought it was our friend so i
    press the keys to open the phone. however, i was surprised to see
    that the one texting her is her “ex-girlfriend”. i was so mad and
    angry! i wanted to throw her phone away but of course, i couldn’t
    do that. so what i did i deleted her message and act as if nothing
    happened. when she came back, i handed her back the phone and
    pretended that everything is fine. when we walked out from the
    hospital, i told her that i’m going to go home alone and that she
    could go home alone as well. she gets mad when i said that and left
    me. what i didn’t know, while we were parting ways, she checked her
    phone if there were any messages. from that day on we haven’t
    communicated or went to malls for almost two days. i’m mad at her
    because i thought she’s through with that girl. i hate it when she
    shares her sad love stories to me because first of all “i never had
    loved someone romantically” coz i find it disgusting, annoying and
    bothersome. and then, before the day ends she texted to chat with
    her, i mean not personally but through text. i was really shocked
    and surprised when she “confesses her love to me”! my mind
    goes blank and don’t have any idea what would be my reaction. she
    told me that she secretly admired, loved me for more than a year
    now. of course i know exactly that what she’s doing is a sin but,
    before i gave her my response i think of any possible things that
    may happen if answer this and that. this friend of mine is a
    suicidal type of person and above-all she has a heart problem. :(
    and so, even though i know that it’s a sin i just gave my reply
    like “yes”. stupid right? i don’t want our trios be gone. i don’t
    want her to kill herself or be killed by her disease. and besides,
    i thought that i’ll just act as her friend and no need for
    lovey-dovey and everything will be fine. and so my problem started.
    for 5 months i think i’ve done the greatest sin that i could ever
    do in my whole life, loving someone with same sex. my family, her
    family, everyone knows nothing about our relationship. my family
    would definitely kill me if they’ll know about this. but you know
    what, if ever someone knew about it, i’d definitely deny it and
    leave her. am i… bad? what should i do? i think if i’m going to
    do that she’ll be fine, do you think? haayz…

  19. terillemus says:

    takurin, your experience sounds much like what I believe my own
    daughter has experienced, however, hers isn’t over. My daughters
    have been in a Christian home for the past 14 years, we have all
    learned so much about Jesus and his grace and mercy, (boy, do I
    count on that when I take my last breath). My daughter knows what
    God thinks about homosexuality but has chosen to believe a lie she
    is being told by people who have a loving relationship with the
    Lord. I believe you can distort the Scriptures to your own
    destruction, and you can believe what your itching ears want to
    hear. I believe the Lord brings people in and out of your life. I
    believe my daughters trio was a friendship relationship that was
    meant to be a lifelong relationship. But somewhere 2 of them
    crossed the line of a holy righteous friendship that God had
    brought together, meant to be filled with love for a lifetime, but
    they turned it into something sexual. My prayer for them and you
    and your friend is that you want to believe the truth based upon
    the Holy Scriptures and what God wants you to know, most of all,
    remember that homosexual sin is not any worse than any other sin,
    it just has different consequences. People grade sin, God doesn’t.

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