Will My Same-Sex Attractions Ever Go Away?
Written by: Mike | September 9th, 2008I know what an important question this is to you; it’s a question I’ve asked many times. In the middle of an internal conflict between powerful desires for the same sex and the deep conviction that what the Bible says is true, something’s got to give. What will it be?
For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?
These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.
Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away
SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.
There are bigger issues at work
The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:
“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org
You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.
Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.
The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.
Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing
We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.
The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?
Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.
So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.
Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex
Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?
Everyone’s struggle is different
We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.
For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.
The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).
Identity is Bigger than Feelings
Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.
Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.
“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine
If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).
When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:
“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”
As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.
Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.
God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.
The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.
Know how your choices will affect your future
God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.
More from Joe Dallas:
“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”
This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)
If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.
After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.
Hope for the Road Ahead
So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.
Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.
It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.
God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.
And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.
Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?
I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)
30 Responses to “Will My Same-Sex Attractions Ever Go Away?”
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October 6th, 2008 at 11:19 am
great points. I’ve always seen it like a tree. for me my same sex attractions were like a huge oak tree. when I learned the truth, that oak tree was chopped down! granted, the remnants are still there. the stump is still there… but a stump is nothing like the tree itself. granted… i have to keep my guard up though because like any tree it can grow again.
October 7th, 2008 at 10:13 am
excellent article mike. too often, myself included, strugglers with SSA give up because they can’t shake their attractions to the same sex. but just because this is so, doesn’t mean that they aren’t walking in freedom from these attractions. a straight man shouldn’t divorce his wife because another woman catches his eye as he walks down the street – just like one who struggles with SSA shouldn’t give up because someone catches their eye every so often.
i still struggle with SSA, even though i’m VERY happily married. it’s still a struggle because i’m fallen and i live in a fallen world – not to mention that satan is pissed that i’m not walking with him anymore.
GOD is the one who defines who you are, and who you aren’t. period. end of story.
so yeah, props to your article mike.
October 7th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Verbs277 — cool analogy with the tree stump. The stump is the hardest part to get rid of, but once the branches have been killed off (sinful behaviors that reinforce attractions, misunderstanding of God, poor self-identity, etc), the roots slowly die. And over time they begin to rot. And eventually it can be pulled out or just left alone as it’s no longer a big deal.
six11 – totally true about attractions, whether hetero or homosexual. They are what they are – just attractions. As human beings, we recognize our attractions and then have a choice (many choices every day really) to decide how to live our own lives in light of those feelings. Do we obey the sinful flesh and dishonor ourselves and God? Or disobey the flesh and live for Jesus?
October 8th, 2008 at 6:33 am
I look at it this way: Jesus never promised us freedom from temptation…in fact, just the opposite: he said that in this world we will have trials. Instead, he sets the example of when we are tempted (just like he was) and how to do the right thing.
A couple observations about his time in the wilderness: 1) he never engaged the enemy or dwelled on the fact that he was being tempted (narcissism). 2) he focused on truth and used God’s word specifically and as a defense (we need to memorize scripture in order to be able to use it in ths powerful way). 3) the bible says he was tempted in every way so even though he may not have been specifically with S.G.A., per Se, at the principal level he was. In fact, think about the commonalities between turning a rock into bread or jumping from a high place and saving yourself and S.G.A….they both have to do with things like power, control, selfishness, aggrandizement (drama), manipulation and distrust to one degree or another.
So, in Jesus, we really do have a Savior who understands! Thank God for that!!
Jayson Graves
November 8th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I can really relate to all of this. For about half a year, I’ve been hooked onto gay porn, gay pictures, gay videos, and I thought that it was interesting. I did all of this for pleasure and told myself that wasn’t gay. But a little voice in the back of my head (God) kept telling me that I was and that I needed to stop. When a read Revival Fires’ "Truth for Youth" Bible, I came to your website. I’m a little bit back in sync with God now. But, every now and then I go back too my "homo" stage. What should I do and how can I stop. This isn’t easy for me!
November 10th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Heart Savers, glad you found your way here!
First of all, I hope you will not look at your situation as one of being gay–because homosexuality is not something you are. You have a same-sex attraction struggle, but it’s not your identity.
I understand how difficult it can be, though, to get certain behaviors under control once they have worked their way into our routines. The hardest thing for most SSA strugglers to face, I believe, is the fact that we can’t do this alone. We have to open up to the people God has put in our lives to walk alongside us.
We need prayer warriors fighting for us, we need accountability partners, we need fellowship with people who genuinely know us and honestly love us. Sadly, many people dealing with SSA are too terrified to open up about it to anyone–even their closest family and friends.
Pray and ask God to help you see the people in your life who will be safe to tell, who would be wise choices for accountability and prayer support. You might want to start with your youth pastor, or even your parents. If you open up to someone and they don’t seem sure how to respond, or they don’t feel like they know enough about SSA to help, tell them to visit this website! We’ve got lots of info and resources for them too.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:29 am
[...] Will My Same-Sex Attractions Every Go Away? [...]
December 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I have an SSA but I am only a teenager so apparently its not too late because I have not done too much damage. I also deal with porn and its hard to break from that. Every program I have seen shows that you need people to go through it with you but I don’t want anyone to know about my disgusting problems. How do I get away from this without telling anyone that I know? I was happy to find out that it will go away I just want it to go away completely without a trace so no one will ever know. Help!
December 12th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
calogero,
It’s never too late to make a change in the direction for your life. But it sure helps to make that change as early as possible! Think about it like if you set out on a cross-country car trip. If you drive in the wrong direction for a couple days before realizing the map was upside-down, you’ll have a pretty long way to go to get to your destination. But if you notice the mistake after only a couple hours, it’s not as big of a deal. So you’re right that it’s going to be a lot better if you start the journey now.
To be honest, at some point you’re going to have to be willing to tell some people about this struggle. It doesn’t have to be today, or even this year. But lasting change is usually found by people who have some close friends and family who know and support them.
If you’re not ready for that step, it’s ok. For now, there are people who can help you get started on the journey. I’ll suggest two online confidential resources:
First, the Living Hope Youth forums. Go to http://livehope.org/online to learn more and register for the site. You’ll find other teens who are on this journey sharing what they’re going through and supporting one another.
Second, check out Reach Truth – it’s an online program with mentoring, and you sound like a good candidate. I just posted an article about it here:
https://exodusyouth.net/2008/12/04/reach-truth-online-mentoring-for-you/
December 20th, 2008 at 1:41 am
in struggling with SSA i have been battling how i am supposed to respond when i am attracted, whether emotionally or physically. specifically i noticed i was increasingly becoming attracted to my best friend and now it is hard to know the distance i am to keep… do you know of any good articles related to this… what is a godly response to attraction, and does that mean your friendship with that person can ever be normal/ good… does that make sense?
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
Sally, check out this article about dealing with attractions to friends:
https://exodusyouth.net/2008/11/03/i-love-my-friend/
February 19th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
hi i just wanted to find out cos this is my situation sexual abuse leading to porn then experimenting then stopping for a few years always known i was wrong and was raised xtian. I got to uni and at 18- 21 i met different guys online and seal the deal and still went on with the porn which was gay and straight but more gay. Ive always had feelings for girls and when i was approached by any i would be affraid cos i wasnt sure i could have a relationship with. the ssa grew stronger but i could never seem to have feelings for the men it was just sex. But ive always wanted a wife and family and that the only future i ve seen and dreamt. but im worried now cos i feel like i havent got the sexual attraction need for girls and all i just wanted to know with an honest answer are the people like me who succeed to finally have a life with a woman and all. Lately i havent even been able to feel anything with straight porn i have decided to hand it over to God. Im not sure if its because im now completely worried about my future. thanks and i live in glasgow is there any support group xtian one up here or at least linked to exodus or something as im not out and havent told anybody anything about this thanks
February 19th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Hello Pheonixdam 87. I can relate to your story alot. I was sexually abused and had a serious porn addiction. I didn’t experiment, but believe me it wasnt for lack of trying, I was just lucky and didnt get a chance. I know if I would have gone away to uni like you, I would have acted out alot. I especially understand the feeling you mentioned about only being attracted to men sexually but being romantically attracted to women. I still struggle with fear of women and for a while, I thought it was because I was “gay.” But I have been surprised over and over again at how normal that is. I’ve made some really solid friends with some really attractive and popular guys, and I am amazed at how insecure some of them feel. Being scared of women doesn’t make you gay, it makes you human.
as for being sexually attracted to women, I’ve had to learn to redefine what sexuality was. perhaps much like you, my idea of sexuality was like that of the pornography I watched so often. I lusted after shallow sexual encounters, devoid of true relationship and that is just self gratifying. I’ve had to relearn that sexuality is a physical exhibition of the genuine love a man has for a woman. I thought that to be heterosexual meant to lust after women the same way I would lust after men, but that is just exchanging one fallenness for another. The whole point is that I dont want to live fallen. I want to bring my sexuality (and my whole life too!) under God.
So will I lust after women like our culture tells me I should? I hope not. I may one day, but I know I’ll have to watch out because that is just fallenness all the same. I do however find women attractive, and sometimes I just want to hold a girls hand and watch a movie on the couch. And when I get married, I know I’ll be able to “perform” because sex will be a physical extenuation of the genuine love I have for her. This hollywood business is a load of crock, it shouldnt be our standard. In exodus circles we have a saying “Seek Holyness, Not Heterosexuality.”
I myself haven’t gotten married because I’m 24 and I still think thats a little young for me. I’m in no rush. But I do know lots of people who have gotten married when just ten years ago they were living a homosexual lifestyle (whatever that may be.) I dont know if there are any ministries in Glasgow, but I do know there is an Exodus branch called “Exodus Global Alliance” which acts as the umbrella group for Ex-Gay ministries world wide based out of Canada. Perhaps their website could direct you to a local ministry.
http://www.exodusglobalalliance.org
ps. Two great books that helped me alot were: “Coming out of Homosexuality” by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel as well as “Growth into Manhood” by Alan Medinger
much love,
Frank
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Hi! I have struggled with being gay sence i was 14! ive always known in away that it is wrong cause I was raised in a church and i kno the critisism that comes along with being gay..ive liked many girls in my life including friends and people ive went to school with..actually the first girl i ever liked was from my church! we were best friends and she told me she was gay on night when i was staying the night at her house.. i dident care cause i loved her has a friend and i wasent going to judge her! well as time passed our feelings for eachother begain to grow, she soon told my whole youth group how we were about to start dating and i paniced! what was she tryin to do ruin my life? i couldent tell my church what was she thinking! well as years went on i did stuff with girls and it was easy for me to talk to them and there was this connection with girls that i dident feel with guys! being gay is by far the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with and go threw in my whole life..people put you down and say stuff that kills but what can i do i cant control my feelings..ive hurt so bad for these past few years..at times i felt like giving up.ive tried cutting i felt no reason to live..! ive done reasearch and ive looked up verses and ive done so much studying on this topic to maybe get some answers but its hard! I love god with all of my heart..and i have this flame inside of me that burns for him..i have plans to change the world but i kno as long as im willing to go for a girl then i cant give my whole heart to god! and every single time ive even been close to being in a relationship with a girl god puts something in the way to stop me and i am sooooo thankful! i just wish i dident have to struggle anymore! i want to get married and have kids and have a good christain family..i dont want to have to have attraction towards girls or my friends..being gay ruins so many of my relationships with people i hate it! i dont kno why im gay! i have an idea..i was sexualy molested by my moms boyfriend and my dads former bestfriend when i was also 14 and ever sence then ive found it hard to be completly attracted to a guy i mean sure i think guys are cute and hot and ive fallen for a few but it seems like evrytime i think i find a good one they do something to ruin it..and all of them seem so sexually driven and they all want one thing! they all seem the same to me and i find it hard to trust them! I dont drink and i dont smoke i go to church and im looked up upon by many people but if they only knew that i struggle to! Ive talked to my bestfriend about it and she trys giving me answers but she has never hadd to deal with it so she really doesnt even understand! i have so much to say right now but i dont kno how to say it!
I never want to be in a relationship with a girl like i once wanted to ..yes i am still attracted to them and at times i feel like i could see myself with them but deep down in my heart i wont allow myself to….ahhh its so hard..and i want everyone that goes threw this to kno your not alone!
April 25th, 2009 at 8:25 am
that was very brave of you to share faith. Thank you for letting us get a glimpse into your heart. I am not a mental health professional, but I do know that your story is not unique. many of us have suffered through sexual abuse, and Ive heard countless stories of women who find it hard to trust men because of abuse they suffered as a child.
I know what its like to struggle and feel like you cant share with your church. I know the terror when it comes out that you struggle with this seemingly controversial sin. But you really arent alone. your story is a comfort to those struggling.
I see so much of your story in my own. feeling attracted to the opposite sex, but being deathly afraid of them. being the “exemplary” student in your youth group who people look up to. being passionately, madly in love with your savior and feeling torn as your flesh seems to rail against Him and His word.
but there is hope. the feelings dont go away overnight, and sometimes they dont go away completely, but there is change. sometimes, I can see a guy and feel attracted, but I understand it now. It doesnt control me. I dont dwell on it. And it doesnt cause me to act out. I’ve learned to trust women and admire their beauty and have grown in my attraction to them.
freedom is possible. be encouraged.
May 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 pm
I have a problem, I’ve never opened myself to a bunch of people that I’ve never known, but since I’m here, I might as well get it off my chest. just tonight I fell and now I write you because I want freedom. I’m frustrated with this. I feel myself drawing away from God. I don’t want this in my life. I’ve tried a lot of things, but it doesn’t seem to work. I keep my faith in God and as you said, Yeshua wants to walk us through our problems. I’m hooked on pornography and the odd thing is, although I’m attracted to other males, I can only have a true close relationship with girls. (Note, I am a guy) I’m just confused. Right now as I write this I’m scared to look at myself in the mirror. I feel as if I’ve lost my identity. I’m mainly writing this because Christ has led me to do this. I really want help out!!! (P.S. Thank you for sharing your story)
May 14th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Dreamscope,
Thank you so much for opening up here. When we bring things into the light, God uses that to bring about freedom in our lives. Are you involved with a church, and do you have any people in your life that you can talk and walk on the journey with? That is very important. I really encourage you to not live in shame, but live in the freedom Christ has for you. God doesn’t look at you in shame and He doesn’t want you to see yourself as shameful. He convicts us of sin, but doesn’t condemn us. Your identity is not in what you’ve done, but in what Christ has done for you! Shame creates a spiral going down deeper and deeper into sexual sin. Live in your identity as a saint! Because that’s what you are. Once you have the mindset of being a saint and a LOVED child of God, you will experience more freedom! Don’t give up!
Check and see if there is a ministry in your area that you could get in contact with. Go to to search in your area. Good luck and blessings brother!
July 28th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Dreamscope, don’t give up beloved brother. Friendships with girls are ok, but not when it’s too close. This is not healthy. You need to find healthy close male friends. It may take a little while, depending on how much you risk and open up. Try to work on these kind of relationships now, this is the best advice I can give you.
Thank you so much Mike for these truths… I can’t contain my joy right now being on this website and to see that so many people live and want to pursue God’s will for their lives, even if they face great trials. You are all an encouragement for me in my own journey into freedom of SSA. And Chris, you’re right, shame is something that really leads us deeper into sexual sin. Let’s seeing ourselves as sons and daughters of God, and embrace His wills for our lives, even in tough days of doubts and temptations.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:28 am
I’d like to thank the writer of this article and the responders to the comments. You guys have some really "on point" things to say and it’s great that you guys are making such a huge difference in peoples lives.
1st ?: I have a music myspace and I like to post blogs about things that I feel strongly about, things that are informative, things I’m interested in, etc. Well I really really want to post this article because I feel that the people who come across my page might want to know about its contents, and I feel that this article can really help some of my listeners.
But on the other hand, it will also let people know that this is an important subject to me, and in a sense… it would be "outing" me. For some reason I’m at a point in my life where I don’t really care if most people (there are a few that are excluded) know about the challenges that I go through, and I’ve always known that God will one day use my greatest struggle and weakness to show others the greatness of His power. And at the same time I truly do want God to be glorified through my lifestyle and as a result, my music career as well.
2nd ?: I have accounts on various gay men social networks. I also have phone numbers of guys who want to get with me programmed in my cell. I know this is wrong and I know that I should just get rid of them but… I’m not in a romantic relationship, and don’t have very many friends (although that’s something I’m trying to work on). Sometimes it’s nice to know that I’m attractive. It’s nice to know that someone else is drawn to me because of the way I look. Because, even though my friends who are girls might say that I’m "hot," it’s not like they want to date me.
What do you guys think?
Thanks so much for your time and words of wisdom.
- MNteee
August 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I need help. I am 14 years old, am Catholic, and am very active in my church. But I struggle with SSA (im a guy). I have a steady girlfriend that I am very romantically attracted to, but I have found myself sexually attracted to other males. I don’t know what to do. I’ve heard that male homosexual feelings are the result of not having a good father figure, etc. but that isn’t true with me. My dad and I are very close (as I am with the rest of my family) and share a good relationship. But I have felt attracted to many of the men I know in my life, even one of my best friends. Also, I am struggling a bit with gay porn. I wouldn’t say I am addicted, but I use it infrequently. Anything remotely homosexual gets me into a ‘mood’ where that is all I can think about. I really need help for this. I know this is all wrong, but I am really struggling and don’t know what to do. I’m also afraid that if people who are close to me know what I am dealing with, they may not be comfortable around me, or might shy away from me. I know it would crush my dad’s heart. I don’t know what to do at all and need help!!!
August 15th, 2009 at 2:19 am
I am 15, and I do struggle with SSA’s often. As a child my dad was not in my life. My mom has tried her best but she kinda falls short. Most of my friends are girls. I like girls more socially and guys more sexually. I eventually do wanna get married and have kids. I am also heavly addicted to gay porn, I have tried to stop but it never really works out. I am so tired of this feeling of being torn and living a split personality, the person everyone sees and the person who comesout behind closed doors. My dad already thinks I am gay, and I have pondered the idea of coming out. And the scenario never works out in my head. Please help.
August 22nd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
i have struggled with gay porn in the past but gave that up about a month or so ago. i am an 18 year old guy and i really want to follow God’s will for my life. i doubt my salvation on what seems like a daily basis. i wish i could just confidently say i was saved, but i always doubt. i realize i am a sinner in need of a savior and have asked Jesus into my heart and be the lord of my life on numerous occasions. i had several sexual encounters with men and i have completely stopped and i have stopped masturbating completely. like i said i just want God’s will for my life. i grew up in church and know this is not a good relationship. this doubt i experience has been hindering me from moving forward and i would like to get rid of it. i still feel ssa toward guys but i don’t act on it and i hope that someday i will be able to not let it affect me at all. i really want a wife and kids, but i want God’s absolute will even more. help me please.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Hi godschild.
Thanks for posting. I want to be encouraging here in telling you that if you have accepted Christ into your heart, admitted your sole dependence on Him, and believe Him to be your Savior and master of your life, then you are saved! Your salvation isn’t dependent upon what you’ve done in the past or what you are doing now. Salvation isn’t earned…it’s a gift. God is gracious and doesn’t pull His saving grace up from under you like a rug whenever you have a bad thought or act out. Rest in His faithfulness and grace. Remember we have an enemy that will do anything and lie to us to hinder God’s growth in our lives. God loves you and wants you to continue to grow and walk with Him. Don’t let worry dominate your life. Otherwise you really will miss out on joy. Keep your focus on Him and ask Him to help your unbelief. You are loved by and worth so much to Christ. Believe your His child and know that He doesn’t see you for your struggle.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Sorry guys that these posts are late…but here we go:
MNtee – If you want to, you can link your myspace to this article so people can come to the youth website and find it. That would be fine and totally up to you. As far as your second question, I think it would be wise, if you are wanting to pursue healing and walk away from homosexuality, you need to remove yourself from temptation. Delete your accounts from those websites and delete the numbers from your phone. I understand why you like to have those. It gives you a boost and makes you feel desirable from other guys. But it’s counterfeit and it’s not going to help you. It’s important to make real, healthy friends with others guys. I know it’s scary but you will see fruit from that. Also, you are so much more than your looks. Your worth is not based on how you look. God has some great guy friends for you who are going to love you for who you are. I hope that helps.
Kevster – It’s great that you found your way here. There are many contributing factors to someone’s same-sex attraction. Everyone’s story is going to be different. I think it would be great if you had someone who you could talk to, maybe a pastor, youth leader, or friend so you can process some things. Make sure they are safe people that you can talk to. Also, you can call our office at and we can provide you with some resources and helpful people in or near your area. It’s not good to fight this battle on your own. Let us know what we can do to help you. Coming here is a great start!
OpenBookUnwritten – Glad you’re here! It would be great to find someone you can talk to. A lot of the stuff I mentioned for Kevster would be beneficial for you too. It’s not good to do this alone, but make sure you find someone safe to confide in with your struggle. Also feel free to call our office and we could direct you to someone in your area who could talk with you. I know that when acting out with pornography, shame usually follows…it did for me. But don’t let the shame trap you. If you’ve asked for forgiveness God no longer holds that sin against you. You are free to make a different choice the next time. You are worth so much and you are way more than your struggle. Don’t let the struggle define you. Let us know how we can help bud.
September 28th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Hey, I’m back again. the thing is, this time its not really about
me. its about my brother. he is a year older than me, and is
popular in school, is smart, and has a girlfriend, etc. the problem
is, he is addicted to gay porn. i found out because i was playing
his psp the other day. i clicked on web browser, and was greeted
with porn sites. several times, i would pick his psp up, turn it
on, and it will go directly to a gay porn site. he doesnt know that
i know, and im not sure how to tell him, or even to tell him. im
really confused about this. help in this situation would be appreciated.
thanx
September 29th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Kevster, what kind of relationship do you have with your brother? If you two are close he may be more receptive to you confronting him about this struggle. It’s very important to not approach him in an accusing way — calling him out. But confronting him with concern, just wondering what those sites were doing on his psp would be a better approach. It’s not like you were actively snooping around to find anything. It just happened to pop up. So confronting him would not be inappropriate. It seems that you are proactively looking for healing, so you could be very helpful for your brother. After all, keeping things in the dark is dangerous and can lead to deeper addiction. Fighting the battle alongside someone else is always helpful. Praying is also an important thing you want to do. Seek wisdom from God for the right timing and circumstance to talk with your brother.
October 24th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Just found this page and wanted to leave some hope. To get out of
gay life you need to take one day at a time and not worry about
finding love with a woman. I was in a homo relationship for 7 years
but am now happily married with children. You have to work through
many issues to escape being in the gay lifestyle. When I was
in the gay lifestyle (towards the end of 7 years) I was totally out
of control sleeping around, drinking and drugs. I was brought up
Catholic and I always believed in God. I was dying inside and one
night I lied in front of the image of Jesus of the divine mercy and
I begged him to save me. I told him I was nothing and could do
nothing to save myself as was completely taken over by this Sin. I
heard these words, “do not eat.” I am not the sort of person to
hear words but I new that Jesus had just spoken to me. Some how I
found myself reading the bible which I rarely did and I found a
passage where Jesus said, “some sins can only be healed by prayer
and fasting.” I started to fast and deny myself stuff that I
wanted. I still carried on in the gay lifestyle but something had
changed. I started to find I could fight back against the
temptation to watch porn or sin with Men by fasting. It was not
easy and I had many falls but each day I got a bit stronger. I
acted on the words I believe Jesus spoke to me in the depth of my
despair and I now think that was Jesus getting his foot in the door
in terms of reclaiming me as his property. The eyes are the window
to the soul so watching porn is a big problem as it leads to other
things which hurt us. My prayer life now is strong and I often say
the rosary whilst thinking about the suffering of Jesus in his
painful death. When we unite ourselves in our own misery to that of
Jesus at the foot of his cross there are many graces to be had. We
are not alone and Jesus will give you the graces you need to defeat
this great evil in your life if you ask him. I have been married
for 7 years now and have 2 children. My life now with my family is
a million times better of the life I had before and I can never go
back now. I have a great sex life with my wife but I still have
some SSA. We have to be honest with ourselves! Just because you
have SSA does not mean you will not find love with a woman. I spent 7 years in a gay relationship and that
was the most unhappy time of my life but back then I could never
believe I would ever find what I have now. Because of what I have
now I can never go back even though every so often I have SSA.
March 30th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
hi everyone Im a guy and for the last almost three months know I have developed some sort of an attraction for other guys and I have had no sexual abuse, my dad and i love each other and I have had many great friends who are male and still do, I have a few friends I consider brothers and I can and do talk to them about this issue. Im just confused and basically depressed because I have liked girls all of my life and still do and I have never masturbated to gay porn or whatever because I consider it repulsive. BUt there are times when I get into this mindset where I actually like the idea of gay porn or whatever and it really freaks me out. I have a constant thought process where I go over in my head ‘am i gay?’, and every guy I look at even though Im not attracted to them at all a little voice in my head keeps repeating ‘ your gay go for him”! I just dont know what to do, life is such a struggle because of it and I cant concentrate on what I need to do anymore, Im starting to fail uni and its just turning into a mess. I have been all my life a christian and am faithful that God will save me from this. I might add that ever since I was 12 I have been not addicted but fixated on porn-mostly lesbian and when I was around 13 masturbated every day and I am so far gone and desensitized from anything sexual. I am 17 now and have had a few relationships with girls that have ended pretty badly and I sometimes wonder perhaps I am subconsciously reluctant to have another relationship with a girl. The girls I have been with have either been extremely clingy or just completely indifferent, and im talking relationships for almost a year which is not massive but for someone my age it is. I just need help with this issue as I am confused and dont seem to fit the bill with how homosexuality comes about.
cheers guys, god bless
April 14th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Hi Stolenlove, There are so many factors that go in to the development of same-sex attractions. There is no “one size fits all” to homosexuality. We all respond to situations in our life differently. I know this is very discouraging and even scary, but there is hope and God does not bring confusion. I would encourage you to find a counselor or Exodus ministry in your area that can help you uncover wounds and brokenness that may be present from your past. You can visit our website at , you can call in or email me and I can help you find some help ().
July 7th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Hello everyone. I’m 16 right now, and I’m experiencing something
much more than homosexuality. My attractions is directed
specifically to a younger crowd (oh gosh Im a pedo). I used to be
an athiest for a very long time, and I resented God. Now, I’m more
of an agnostic. I certainly believe that a higher being exists, but
I am very angry at him because he never answered my prayers. I
decided to walk away from that life about a week ago, and now am
trying desperately to change, both in my attractions and my faith.
The single thing that I am holding onto for dear life is that I
have never yet acted on any of my attractions. The worst thing I
have done is masturbating; other than that, I have never yet even
hugged any of my friends yet. I understand that my homosexuality is
from a myriad of reasons, and is not only the attraction part
itself. Yes, my dad is distant, and I have been quite a wuss for a
long time. In my part, in order to try to fix myself up, I have
deliberately became closer to my dad (I learned a lot of things
about him… he didn’t really hate me or anything, but he was just
way too tired from work and etc. In fact, he actually wanted
nothing more than to have a good relationship with me), started
doing sports (and found that I actually liked it quite a lot), and
etc. But this is all of the flesh and the outside: I realized that
I need God’s help to help me heal my emotional needs and causes of
my SSA. I have decided to walk that path. I have officially, today,
deleted all my porn and etc. But I must be truthfully honest. I
really want to have OSA one day. A lot of people, not only in
exodus but in other websites, preach out that to be free from SSA
is not to have OSA, but to find freedom in God. But honestly, I’m a
teen, and I’m honestly not a bad person. I always wanted a wife and
kids and live a successful life. On a side note, it’d be quite big
news If I don’t get a wife, especially since I’m considering a
career in the Navy. So I have to be very honest about this: I am
willing to walk this path and follow God, but I really do wish I
have OSA some point in my life. After reading all of this, I
realized how sort of narrow-minded and immature I sounded But at
the same time, it’s the truth. I really wish I might have OSA in
the future. Is it really God’s plan for me to be celibate the rest
of my life, and lead a holy struggle against SSA?