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You Don’t Have to be Gay by Jeff Konrad is a very informal and insightful book for men who struggle with homosexuality.  The book is a compilation of letters written by Jeff to his friend, Mike, a man who was struggling with his identity and whether or not he was born gay.  Jeff Konrad offers encouragement and support to Mike that can be applied to any male who struggles with same-sex attraction.  He begins writing to a distraught Mike who is unhappy in his homosexual life.  Konrad takes the opportunity to share how he overcame homosexuality and what was underlying his own homosexual tendencies.

Konrad’s book is organized in such a way that an easy to follow progression is maintained.  He starts out by discussing the roots of homosexuality and provides great insight into why one may struggle with this issue.  This leads up to the steps to overcoming the homosexual struggle and how to be proactive in the healing process. The formatting of the book is very conversational making it reader friendly and easy to understand.  The strength is found in the clarity and broad spectrum of homosexuality that Jeff discusses. He pulls information from people such as Elizabeth Moberly, Leanne Payne – author of Crisis in Masculinity, and C.S. Lewis to provide evidence and support for his claims.

The topics discussed are very comprehensive and provide an informative look into the homosexual condition. Common questions that a struggling man may have are answered in these letters.  These answers are resourceful to males who struggle with homosexuality.  They are also beneficial for those who don’t struggle, by helping them understand and gain compassion for their friend or loved one who has same-sex attractions.  When I first read this book, I felt the author was addressing it to me.  The letters are filled with warmth, tenderness, and care which can be healing for a person who may have experienced scorn and disgust previously.

Konrad offers a glimpse into many aspects of the homosexual condition.  He begins by addressing the root of the struggle, which is gender identity.  Early in his book, he states that “homosexuality is but a symptom of a confused, distorted, unaffirmed gender identity, of a disturbed personality which hasn’t yet reached its maturity due to unresolved emotional turmoil and needs left unmet in the course of growing up…gender identity is our identification with our own sex, our sense of maleness and what we perceive to be masculine and feminine…it’s the perception we have of ourselves as being a male or female” (p. 34).  He breaks down gender identity in a way that is clear and concise to the reader.

As the book progresses he offers much wisdom into the importance of a father in his son’s life. Something that rang true for me while reading through the letters was Konrad saying, “homosexuals detach from their fathers to prevent further hurt and/or not to identify with them.  For some this may have been an unconscious, subtle detachment.  But for others, it was an overt vow not to be anything like their father” (p.46).  That is what I experienced as a child with my father which helped me understand even more the struggle I had.  Konrad proceeds to discuss not only the father’s impact on the son, but also the impact a son has on his own identity by his perceptions and interpretation of certain things his father has done.  Sometimes the son perceives rejection from the father when that is not the case.

Konrad goes on to explain other aspects of homosexuality.  One being envy.  “Behind these homosexual temptations…behind these homosexual ‘orientations’…is a root problem of envy…Men who are unaffirmed in their masculinity often don’t see their own masculine traits.  They see only their undesirable traits, or they’re so consumed with what they want that they don’t recognize what they have” (p.81 & 82).  Konrad further details envy and its impact on homosexual attractions that bring the reader clarity and understanding of where these feelings come from.  He does a fine job of providing applicable tools in how to respond to and heal from envy.  One example is when he encourages Mike “to get in touch with your true feelings…If you’re walking across campus and some guy grabs your attention, analyze what you’re actually feeling…You’re now free to become the guy you’ve always wanted to be, but you must first search within yourself to see what prevented you from doing it before” (p. 198, 199).

As Konrad discusses roots and causes of homosexuality he also provides helpful tools in overcoming same-sex attractions and beginning the healing process.  One such tool that he emphasizes is identifying with same-sex peers.  Konrad encourages Mike to build friendships with heterosexual men and learn to identify with and relate to them.  Doing this brings down the barrier that many homosexually-minded men carry, believing they are completely different from their heterosexual counterparts.  After focusing on same-sex relational needs, Konrad addresses the issue of women and brings right understanding to the process.  He states, “…fulfillment of legitimate same-sex needs must precede advancement into heterosexuality…The priority in your life right now should be attempting to satisfy your unmet same-sex need, which can only be accomplished through spending time with other straight guys.  Women can’t resolve your same-sex deficits, so don’t be pushed into dating or trying to establish a heterosexual relationship” (p. 232 & 233).  This is very important to understand, and Konrad does an excellent job defining what true change is – it isn’t going from homosexual-mindedness to heterosexual-mindedness, but from homosexual-mindedness to Christ-mindedness.

From uncovering the wounds of childhood and understanding the role of the father, to discovering the deep issues surrounding the homosexual attraction, Konrad provides a movement of writing that is cogent and well-organized.  As mentioned before, this book incorporates the whole gamut of homosexual attraction and how to work through it.  He offers hope and sensible guidance on how to work through the homosexual struggle by describing what change truly is, how to measure change and not be discouraged by falling, relating to women, what masculinity truly is, and how accountability is important.  This book truly blessed me when I first began the journey out of homosexuality.  It gave me clarity and a broader vision of my homosexual attractions.  I was able to better tackle the discouragement and temptation after reading it.

I strongly encourage any male struggling with homosexuality to read this book.  It is not only educational; it is transformational and filled with hope and optimism.  Konrad does a fine job by utilizing support from well-known psychologists and scholars on homosexual issues to address the root of the matter and provide an alternative to the world’s view of what to do with this attraction.  As a struggler himself, he pulls from a life of experience to provide heartfelt wisdom to a man that is in desperate need of answers.  Reading this book will truly bring great insight and healing for the homosexual struggler, and enlightenment to those who don’t struggle.

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