Frank’s “Coming Out” Story
Written by: Frank Carrasco | February 12th, 2009
I stood in an empty starbucks with my friend Jenny. We were both assigned the sunday opening shift of a newly opened store and our third partner called in sick leaving us alone. She noticed I had been changing over the recent months but not in a positive way. Whereas I was always happy and giddy making jokes and singing cheezy christian songs to make her laugh… now I was growing increasingly dark and detached. As a friend she demanded to know why I was so distant. It was my darkest secret and only one other person knew. My palms sweaty, gripping the aluminum counter, eyes shuffling about the floor, I finally uttered the words that caused me so much pain to admit.
“Jenny,” I said. “I’m Gay.”
“Alright…” she replied, “but do you want to be gay?” No one had ever asked me that before. No one ever gave me that choice. I knew I wasn’t born gay, but somehow I developed homosexual attractions and now I couldn’t make them go away.
I was born in Miami to a Cuban mother and a Colombian father. Due to “X” circumstances my mom and dad were unable to raise me and I was sent to live with my aunt and grandmother. Looking back now, I can see plainly that my whole family loved me but I’ve come to learn that sometimes the facts get missed and misperceptions can easily become truths to a little boy with unanswered questions. I wondered why my mom and dad weren’t around like the other kid’s parents. My aunt and grandmother never told me why, only that my mom and dad loved me very much. Cartoons and kids movies gave me the only answer I could find: “What is a kid with no parents? An orphan.” I came to the conclusion that my mom and dad abandoned me like a little baby left on the stoop of a kindly family. I barely knew my mother and rarely got to see her. My father lived in Colombia and I had no memory of him. I wondered what it was that made them want to leave.
To my aunt and my grandmother I was the prince of the world. No wish went unanswered. If I wanted a bike, I got a bike. If I wanted a toy, I had it within a week. I even remember a particular Christmas with dozens of ninja turtle figurines and a tent to boot! But both women had their own wounds and though they loved me dearly, they didn’t always know how to love me. My Aunt felt she had to compensate for both my lack of mother and father and had a hard time trying to balance being both the nurturing mother and tough father. As a result she often threatened to send me off to military school if I got bad grades. Many a night was spent crying dreading the bad report card in my book bag, fearing I would be sent away. As for my grandmother, she had been hurt in her past and harbored resentment towards men. Resentment she often voiced to me.
Like I said before, I knew I wasn’t born gay. I remember liking girls from an early age and having play ground love triangles. I remember my first kiss with Maria behind the lake and enjoying it. But around age 8 sexuality was corrupted for me as I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighborhood. This brought alot of shame for me and instead of confronting the issue my family moved to a new neighborhood and never spoke of it again.
In this new neighborhood I made friends with another boy and his sister. Our relationship started innocently enough, spending every afternoon playing super Nintendo as fourth graders would. However, as their parents were never home; our curiosity got us into trouble as we discovered pornography. Our afternoons of Mario Kart were soon abandoned for afternoons of pornography as he, his sister and I sat fixated in front of the TV watching porn. This was the beginning of a serious porn addiction for me. I found myself attracted to the women in the films but felt ugly, unworthy and undeserving of them. I made the connection that good looking guys are deserving of good looking women and began to envy the men in the films wishing to be like them. As I continued watching pornography my fixation turned to the men, studying their bodies and comparing them to mine, hating myself and wishing I were them.
By 12 I received my first computer along with the internet and a new gateway to pornography. As my fixation was on men, my browsing led me to gay porn which idolized the male body. At first I was disgusted but as I was continuously exposed to it I became desensitized to it, and as I went through puberty I began to contextualize sexuality within the concept of homosexuality. What once disgusted me became tolerable and then even desirable until eventually it became an infatuation.
By this time I had come to put my faith in Christ. I read my bible and joined a church participating in their youth group and even becoming Bible Club president of my high school. I so loved Jesus that most everyone in my 4000 student high school knew me as “churchboy.” I thought the best way to minister to my classmates in those days was to put on a happy face and pretend to be a happy shiny Christian. I thought if everyone saw how great it was to be in Christ they’d all want in too! But while in high school, as in love with Jesus as I was I secretly struggled with same gender attractions. I didn’t think I could tell anyone for fear of “shaming Christ” and being a “stumbling block” to weak believers. Sadly, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized Jesus is not a candy bar to be marketed but that Living Water can sell itself. I began to live a double life as I would often watch pornography all night only to go to school the next morning and pretend all was ok. I was desperately looking for answers but too afraid to ask.
All my life I had dreamt of being married to a girl one day, raising a family, watching our kids go off to college and grow old together. My faith and my understanding of the Bible told me that homosexuality was not in line with God’s will for my life. From all around me I heard teachers and pop culture telling me I was born gay, that I needed to accept it and “come out of the closet.” Essentially, I felt the world was telling me to abandon my faith and all my dreams of a family for a label and a life I wanted no part of. So I tried to pray. I believed God answered the prayers of his faithful and believed God would take away the struggle. I tried to ignore it and pretend it didnt exists, but it bubbled up each time with more intensity until I found myself on the floor of my room every night crying begging God to kill me or take away the struggle. But He didn’t.
Eventually, the summer after graduation I told a gay friend of mine what I had been experiencing. I felt so free. He told me everything I was longing to hear. He told me I was handsome and that he loved my sense of humor and that he had a crush on me for a while. But the freedom I felt soon disappeared as I realized I was more and more becoming a person I didn’t recognize with a future that I didn’t want. I began to withdraw and even became dark. This is when Jenny confronted me. She didn’t look at me with the christian pity face I had so often given people myself. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she genuinely wanted to know if I was happy being gay. I told her: “of course not Jenny! but what can I do? I’ve tried everything not to be gay but here I am!” I understand now that ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t “trying everything” just like ignoring a baby and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop him from crying.
She didn’t have all the answers but she did tell me she heard of a support group for people trying to leave homosexuality. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that before. I showed up at the end of that month and met 10 other people just like me who found themselves with attractions they never wanted (and some who were now living successfully apart from homosexuality!) The next month I went to an Exodus conference and met 1000 more from around the country and some from around the world. This was the answer to the question I had for so long been afraid to ask and for once I realized I didn’t have to be ashamed and I didn’t have to be afraid to ask questions.
I came back a changed person. Not because anything that happened at Exodus but simply because for the first time in years I had hope. Hope that I didn’t have to live a life I was unhappy with, that my dreams of a family can be fulfilled that I don’t have to be a slave of my circumstances. Hope because I saw real people living happily beyond the “gay” label: some who married and others who were just content to be single.
The five years that followed were hard, and there was a lot of work I still had to do. I developed habits and addictions over the years that weren’t going to be easy to break. But the key was community.
I don’t want to make the same mistake I did in high school and mislead anyone. I’m not a finished work. I’m still growing. As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth. And I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “I was gay, but I’m ok now,” my story is not about that at all. My story is that I found myself going into a lifestyle I wanted no part in. I found myself taking on a label I didn’t want and becoming a person I didn’t recognize until someone gave me a choice, until someone told me I didn’t have to be gay. It’s about being empowered to live the life I want to live.
What kind of life do you want?
43 Responses to “Frank’s “Coming Out” Story”
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February 16th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I do not understand why Frank would want to betray who he is just to lead a life of comformity. Altough he says that he was not born with these gay tendancies, how does he explain them? I believe that God created gay people to show us that love can come in many different forms and we should all accept eachother. The first two things that God created are LOVE and FORGIVENESS. So therefore, we should love the people who are gay and forgive them for these so called trespasses against the Bible. On another note, if Frank was addicted to pornography, perhaps he wasn’t gay at all, maybe he just was visually stimulated by the fact that he was indeed watching porn and mistook it for arousal. If so, he is a bad example for gay people. It is not something that can be cured.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Thank you for your post Marisamk and thanks for stopping by and reading a bit. I just want to take a moment to reply to some very important points you made.
first of all, the question of Identity was very important in my decision. You mention that I betrayed who I was to settle into a life of conformity. In honesty its a very important question. Durring the time when I started this journey I had to ask myself and journal extensively about who I was as a person. “Gay” is not who I was, its what I struggled with. actions dont necessarily make an identity. Because I currently work at a bank does not mean I take that as an Identity, because I enjoy to cook does not mean I take that on as an Identity. In like manner I did not take gay as an Identity, particularly because it didn’t fit with my view of myself.
I did not settle for conformity, believe me! Settling into conformity it would have been easier to accept the “gay” label so many would like to place on me. In truth, many don’t quite know what to do with stories like mine and try to explain it away saying I was not really gay or that I still am secretly gay. I guess that on the matter of how authentic my “change” really is… there is no way to empirically prove it. You can only extend the same courtesy we extend the gay community and take my personal story at face value.
lastly, I too do not think homosexuality is something that can be “Cured.” I don’t use the word “Cured.” The essential thing for me is the fact that I believe I should have a choice over how I live my life. “Cured” insinuates that homosexuality is a disease. Its language like this that has hurt millions of people struggling with homosexuality throughout the centuries. We promote tolerance in this site, both for our friends that struggle with homosexuality and also those who no longer want to live as homosexuals. Again, we do not promote a “cure” for homosexuality but offer hope that people can live beyond the gay label.
February 19th, 2009 at 2:17 am
Wow Frank.
We have a very similar story. Sure, not everything is the same, but it’s right in the same ballpark.
Although you had no father or mother, I had both, yet I was raised by an emotionally distant father. That, in combination with me being a 5 year old ballet dancer who loved playing with barbies, made it very difficult for me to connect with guys at that age. Then, I was sexually molested by an older kid too, got a computer (and all the filth that came with it) and plunged headfirst into the world of homosexuality. I never told anyone about it for fear of rejection and I never truly did get into a same sex relationship because I met someone before I could: Jesus. I came to my own crossroad where I had to decide between Jesus and my old lifestyle. Sick and tired of my own self, I chose Jesus. Best choice I ever made!
Now, only 2 short years since I have given my life to Christ, I still deal with SSA every once in a while, but I know now the underlying motive behind those types of desires. Besides, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Just wanted to share my own testimony. And point out the similarities of our past as it truly makes me feel better knowing I’m not the only one out there.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Its true! you’re not the only one out there. Our stories can differ on some point, but the essential theme can be the same. That was one thing that stuck out to me my first exodus conference. all day I was meeting new people who all had strickingly similar stories to mine. I knew it couldnt have been a coincidence. I’m glad you never acted out with another person before. I’ve come to learn that I should count myself blessed to not have acted out. you should count yourself lucky too! Its true that when we learn why we have these attractions, they hold less power over us. My friend chad once explained it like a play. If a prop tree falls over durring a play, the illusion is gone! its the same with homosexuality. I may face some attraction to a guy, but instead of soaking in it, I now stop and realize: “Wait! I dont want to sleep with them, I want to be like them!” then its gone.
February 21st, 2009 at 12:32 am
thank God im not the only one, i to had never acted out with another person. you guys are full of wisdom i guess i need to go to the nearest exodus conference and learn more about this.
February 21st, 2009 at 1:37 am
Im so glad my story can give you hope. As you read, my first exodus conference was amazing. The next conference will be in Weaton, Ill (near Chicago) on July 14th-18th. I encourage anyone to go, God shows up and moves in powerful ways. There is also a youth program for people under 26 years old I believe. Its great. If you thought you were alone, going to the conference will change your mind. you’ll meet around 1000 people from all over the states just like you who have surrendered to God and are deciding to walk with Him. Whatsmore, you’ll hear from men and women who have walked this out for decades and have been successful. Men and Women like Sy Rogers, Alan Chambers, Randy Thomas, Christine Sneeringer and more. I hope I see you at the conference this year as I’m planing to go.
you can register for the conference by going to the exodus main website at and clicking on the “international” option under conferences. I believe if you register now you get an early bird discount and there may be financial assistance as well. But dont delay as soon the early bird discount will expire and the deadline may be approaching for financial aide. there is also a $50 discount if you can prove you are a student.
you are much loved and good luck!
February 24th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
marisamk – I agree. Frank doesn’t seem very gay to me. Especially if he never acted on it. It’s like saying you like salmon though you’ve never tried it. I hate salmon. Yuck. Also – porn addiction is a separate issue (especially in women). There was a study recently that evaluated female arousal and found that straight or gay women were often aroused by the same images. Also… I don’t think someone is really gay unless they are working on spreading the Homosexual Agenda as defined by the American Family Association.
February 24th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
You know… this is something I’ve come across many times. It seems that this idea of innate homosexuality is so fixed within our popular culture that people have trouble making sense of stories of people who used to be gay but no longer are. I came across something a while back in my Social Psychology class that dealt with processing information and belief perseverance. It turns out that when we are presented new information, we can react one of two ways. We can “accommodate” the new information, meaning we compartmentalize or try to explain things away like “he was never gay” or “he was the exception.” The other way we can react is by “assimilating” the information, which means we incorporate it and widen our view on a particular topic.
I know my story and I know how deeply it was that I struggled with homosexuality. It went beyond the pornography, it entailed Identity and the way I saw the world around me. The desires were very real. I challenge people to sit and listen to others and not try to dismiss their experiences. There is so much we can learn from each other if we could only take the time to stop and really listen to people’s stories.
March 7th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Frank,
our story encourages me to walk this journey day by day. “As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth” that is what it’s going on in my life. REALMENTE ME ALEGRA SABER QUE DIOS ESTA ACTUANDO EN TU VIDA. QUE LAS TENTACIONES NO NOS DICEN NUESTRA IDENTIDAD.
DIOS TE BENDIGA HERMANO.
(Admin Translation: In truth, I am happy to know that God is working in your life. That temptation does not dictate our Identity. May God bless you brother)
March 13th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Im not really sure what to say. Im 14 and im having the exact same problem.
I dont know If Ill ever be able to get married or ever even be attracted to a girl again.
Im having an ongoing struggle with homosexuality and gay porn and its so overwhelming. Its like my whole life revolves around this issue. Im trying to confront the issue but I dont know what to do, Ive tried reading my bible, praying, reading spiritual books, but so far, im lost. I dont even know how I got here. Like you I liked girls but then i started watching porn and things just spiraled out of control there. I go to an All-boys school and I cant help but lust after some of the really attractive guys. Most of them have girlfriends and all of them continue to express their absolute hatred for gay people. I know I can never accept homosexuality because I know I can do better than that.
March 15th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
From the comments above, you should know your experience is not unique. I hope that brings you comfort in so much as you’re not alone. Sadly, there isnt alot of formal help out there for you like support groups. BUt, that is not to say you cant find help at all. Living Hope has a great youth forum where you can talk to people your age all around the world. If you can find a christian counselor, it would be suggested that you do that as well. There are some great books you can read to help you understand more about your struggle and how you can overcome it. Growth Into Manhood and Coming out of Homosexuality were my favorites when I started out. The annual Exodus Conference also has alot of seminars geared for youth, but if you’re under 18, you must be accompanied by an adult. I would suggest all these things to anyone your age seeking to leave homosexuality.
the harsh truth is that our change often depends on our commitment to change. there is an old saying in recovery circles that says “if nothing changes… then nothing changes” in short, if we want things in our life to change, were going to have to make some hard choices and change stuff. the good news is that at your age change comes much easier than for older people. I started out this journey at a young age too and I know from the many older people I’ve spoken to that its been easier for me. I can only assume it would be easier for you as well.
Its sad that you face such a hostile environment in school. Kids can be stupid. Mostly, kids are deathly afraid of being rejected and so will throw stones at people who are different rather than help them. I encourage you by saying its just a phase. most people grow up and will be more understanding. I know that today, I can tell my friends my struggles and they love me. but regardless of whether people love me or hate me I had to make a decision to change because it was best for me. I’ve seen people try to change because of society’s expectations and eventually they fail. I had to change because of me. because of my faith. because of what I wanted from life. you say you can do better, and I think you can too. I encourage you to pursue what is best. but dont do it for others, do it for yourself.
you are much loved,
Frank
March 27th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
To Marisamk,
Do you read the Bible or do you just trust what you think you know?
God expects us to read his Word and study it regularly so we are not so easily swayed by lies.
Seems like the enemy has swayed you a bit.
It is not our job to forgive the sins of others unless it is against us. But all sin is against God. When we repent, that means that we will strive never to do it again. But God knows our weaknesses and will give us grace to help us conquer the power the sin may have over us. That doesn’t mean he will take the temptation away. Please educate yourself on the psychological causes of same-sex attraction as well as the damage of pornography to men especially. And yes it is curable.
April 26th, 2009 at 3:53 am
Hey Frank,
Thank you very much for being brave and telling your story. Also thank you for your grace and understanding in communicating with people on these comment boards. I went through a different experience than you, but I believe God has shown me His remarkable grace by leading me to people that I could share my struggle with. At my school, there is a Christian group and I have had some experience with fighting and also with struggling with temptation and being able to share this struggle with a Bible study leader here. I am new to this site, but have heard about it before. I hope that being involved with the website, finding some books that are more related to my struggle than what I’ve read before, and also talking with people that are going through the same things as I am will help me trust God more, and will help me make the decision to obey Him, because of me being motivated by the love He has shown me.
In Christ,
mhanders
May 10th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
To Marisamk,
i compleatly understand and love what you said. i do believe that god has taught everyone to love one another and forgive those who have sinned. Though i can understand where frank is coming from as well, i cant say he was gay or is still gay or not, im not him, pornography can mess people up in what sex really is, so i can see why you thought you liked men. im wondering though not to get all in your business im wondering how strong your feelings were, for example did you ever want to be with a man? did you fantasize about sleeping with men ans acutally performing acts? Sorry not to be all in your business im not trying to offend just curious. i can see the views set on by you but i cant help but believe that everyone shoud be able to have same sex attraction. I have also read some of the others comments, one said by ifonly was that you have moved on from it and are with god who strengthens you, though still struggle with same sex attraction if there is a so called "cure" why are there people in this organization still dealing with these feelings. JUSt a question.
May 10th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Alphus thank you so much for sharing. your questions are not without merit. actually, many of the questions you are asking are ones I have often asked as I go down this path of self discovery. Sometimes, its really hard to say. the world has such weird definitions of what “gay” and “straight” is and I find people keep changing their definitions as they try to fit me into their mold of what sexuality is. I pose the question what is “gay?” If a man sleeps with another man does that make him gay? what about prisons? or how many times does a man have to sleep with other men to be classified as gay? or how can someone be “gay” before they ever have sex with another man? or is it just attractions? if so… then how does one gauge attractions? Is it just something you know?
If that is the case, then I can honestly say I know I was gay. to answer your question, yes, I lusted after men and fantasized about sleeping with them. my attractions however have changed substantially. its not that I wont ever be attracted to another guy, but that I no longer wish to sleep with them. Its about being able to live a life compatible with my convictions and living way outside the gay label.
“Cure” is not a word I use, nor a word I have heard people around exodus circles use either. Cure insinuates that someone who is “gay” is “sick” and thats not tolerant or loving at all. Even now that I dont identify as gay, I would be insulted if someone were to call me diseased.
people have struggles. thats only human. but lets not make the mistake of confusing that with being “gay”
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
hey frank i like your story. sounds a little like mine accept i really am attracted to girls since i was 6. i remember having crushes on girls as early as the first grade. I thought that every girl liked both boys and girls until i hit the 7th grade. (i was very sheltered and i didnt even know what the term ‘lesbian’ or ‘bisexual’ meant until jr. high.
well anyways so i was watching tv and stumbled upon gay porn and i was interested yet disgusted so i changed the channel. but over time i started to become desensitized and went back to those channels that let me view both hetero and same sex SEX. so i was really guilty and ashamed and that led me to being kind of suicidal…and that was all when i was only 13 years old. So i tried to stop looking at porn and that worked for about two weeks but then i prayed and asked God to forgive me and help me stop. AND THAT WAS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL THINGS I HAD EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I was now a christian entering high school. Although i stopped looking at porn i continued to have really strong crushes on girls and probably felt "in love" a million times throughout the first two years of highschool. I then got my heart crushed by a girl who had no idea i was "in love" with her. she was straight and all randomly she stopped talking to me and my friends whom we had a mutual friendship with.
i then started really pursuing Christ again and i met a really nice christian guy who i started to have a crush on and he liked me back. Nine months into our relationship i finally came out to him and told him i was attracted to both guys and girls and that went over not so nicely but he was a good guy and we stayed together for another 4 or 5 months and then broke up. and i then came out to my parents and other friends who helped mentor me and help me with these attractions and whatnot. Like some of the people who commented on here, i kind of made this problem or whatever you want to call it MY LIFE and i know that is not healthy, cuz that is not my sexuality is not my identity.
For the last several months i started hanging out with girls who claimed they were either gay or bi, and i liked that they knew what i was going through first hand and they didnt judge me or make me feel bad like my other friends kind of did. so but like any situation that you choose to get in that you know God probably doesnt want you in cuz it was either unhealthy or just not good timing for my life….it backfired and blew up in my face and i was like "OK GOD, NO MORE COMPRIMISING FOR ME"…
so now i am kind of doing my own thing….working, driving, a lot of alone time, working with TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS, lots of stuff to keep me busy and not focused on my same sex attractions. Im kind of sad because i am trying to like guys and be attracted to them. but i tend to compare my feelings for GUYS and for GIRLS…and i feel so strongly and intensly when i start liking a girl…and when i like a guy and or am attracted to a guy…its just kind of whatever, like, yah he is kute but there is no krazy spark. and i feel really bad, because i go to a lot of church youthgroup stuff all over, and i visit and right away i automatically look at everyone and notice an attractive girl without really meaning to, and i get off focus real easy. DOES ANYONE ELSE (ESPECIALLY GIRLS) WHO DEAL WITH THIS?????????
July 3rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
frank, you mentioned that there is not a lot of option for support groups for younger guys. well that is very true but i was blessed to find an amazing support group at a church a few minutes away from my house. i am saying this to let anyone out there know, if you can find a support group, take advantage of that opportunity. i was scared to death the first time i went but it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. literally. if you are struggling with homosexuality, the very best thing you can do is find support from other christian guys or girls. having people that are safe to talk to and can relate to you is such a relief and help when you feel lost or alone.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
i go to a church where i do not think absolutely anybody deals with what i deal with…especially the girls…they all are straight…or at least…appear to be…and nothing in my town is being offered. how do i get help?
July 17th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Thank you for your story. My son is 14 years old. He came to us about a year ago, confessing a struggle witfh pornography. We made appropriate precautions and held him accountable. Recently, in a routine "questioning", he confessed that he was struggling again . . . and broke down to confess that the pornography was homosexual, and that he was afraid he was gay and that if he died he would not go to Heaven. He confessed that he has also been self-gratifying himself . . . it devastated him to confess that. It was heartbreaking. This boy loves God and loves his church and Christian school. He always has. He is considered a role-model in his school, by both students and faculty. I asked him if he believed that Jesus died for his sins, and confirmed that he asked Jesus to be his personal savior. I assured him that, that being the case, that he would go to Heaven. I also assured him that I know he didn’t choose this struggle, and that his Dad and I unconditionally love him as well. I have been doing a lot of research to help our son. He is grateful for our help . . . uncomfortable and afraid to seek counseling or go to a conference, but he says he is willing to do whatever his Dad and I think is best if it will help him with his struggle. He is afraid he won’t fulfill his dream of having a wife and family one day. I am so burdened for him, but I know how fortunate we are that he trusted us to share this struggle before he’s had opportunity to act on it. Please forgive this question . . . if we accompany our son to a conference, will we be permitted to stay with him the whole time? While I empathize with everyone’s struggles, I am afraid to put my vulnerable son in an environment full of other kids who struggle with SSA? Wouldn’t that be like putting him right in the midst of temptation? I hope I don’t sound judgemental. I just want to help our son, but act responsibly for his own protection, and for the protection of other vulnerable kids.
I wish I knew where this came from. Our family is not perfect, but we are born-again Christians, have always been very involved in church, our children have always attended private Christian school. His Dad and I have been mostly-happily married for many years. This is our youngest son, and he is often picked on by older sibblings . . . I wonder if he feels rejected by them and that somehow led to this struggle? If nothing else, it shows us that SSA is a struggle that can happen to anyone . . . I’m just so surprised as this is our child who has a stronger walk with the Lord than any of our other kids.
Thank you for any advice you are willing to give a worried but determined parent.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:35 am
You can seek out a Christian counselor in your area, or look up the NARTH (National Association for the Reasearch and Therapy of Homosexuality) website for a referral in your area. Also, the Exodus website has a list of counselors, ministries and churches in your area that you might want to look into. If there is nothing in your area, you can also look into a ministry called “Living Hope” that is based out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area of Texas. They offer an online support group for youth struggling with homosexuality. I have been part of that group for 5 years now and they truly are a blessing to me. Its a safe place with complete anonymity where you can share your struggles and get solid advice.
I know it can be scary to struggle, and I dont necessarily advise walking into any old church asking for help with homosexuality (sadly, alot of the church isn’t ready to deal with that yet.) but Exodus has hundreds of ministries around the country and chances are there is one in your state, probably within driving distance. You are not alone. The enemy would like you to think that there is no one else in the world that struggles like you… but believe me there are plenty. I just came back from a conference where about 1000 people just like you and me can go to worship Jesus! and I’ll tell you two things from the conference: we are not alone, and there is victory in Jesus! press on!
July 29th, 2009 at 10:29 am
To all4him,
I can completely understand your concerns about placing your son in the midst of temptation. However, my parents allowed me to go to an accountability group for guys with ssa and it has honestly been the only thing that has helped me so far. Online support groups are all well and good to a point but at the end of the day, guys with ssa feel alone unless they can connect with other guys who have struggled in the same way. And as for the issue of temptation, I can honestly say that there is no temptation among us guys at the group, we are there to support each other and hold one another accountable. It is tremendously helpful for me and I have only been going for about a month. if you are indeed able to find a group for you son like this, I would recommend you considering this as an option if you feel it is safe. I know for a fact I am very safe in my group. i hope your son can find healing.
anotherother
July 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Hi everyone:
Since i was a kid i realized i was gay, cause i was not atractted to woman, but man. I saw that nobody around me feel the same feellings, so i decided to keep it in secret. Then i became christian and knew that the Bible said it was a sin. So i tried harder to keep it in secret and be more heterosexual as i could be.
I tried by 5 years to change, or make these feellings almost disapeare at my own way, of curse, praying God and having tocuh with Him. But i always had them.
At first i wanted to live as gay, but when i heard that in Jesus was the hope to leave this gayfeelings, i tried it, as hard as i could do it. I cried to God many nights, i really wanted to dont have those feellings. But they never leaved me.
I want to ask you something, to the ones who read me.
I’ve read that some of you think that maybe you never gonna feel the same atracttion to woman, as your atraction to man.
Do you expect to live with these feellings all your life? (and of course, maybe get married and have kids)
Do you think that homosexuality its not "curable" for all?
Do you think that if you live a gaychrsitianlifestyle you wont be accepted by God?
gaychristianlifestyle for me is= Christian life, christian behavior, just for the difference of be gay and acept myself, and have a couple of my same sex, but not have sex, until get married.
It sounds funny, but it’s another way…
i really want to know what’s the God’s plans for me… i really do…
August 5th, 2009 at 11:43 am
to cesar jx
i know exactly how you feel, i have cried out to God and done all tried so hard to end my same sex attractions but nothing happened. it becomes very discouraging to think that you cannot change, but there is hope. i have been going to a counselor and attending an accountability group recently and these things have helped me to realize that i will probably never just lose this struggle altogether, not many ever have. but, with god’s help and support from men around me, i can overcome the temptation and god can bring me healing to the point where i am attracted to women and can be married and have a family. and, to answer your other question, no, there is no such thing as a gay christian lifestyle. as convenient as that sounds, god leaves no room for it in the scriptures. the bible clearly says that homosexual acts are forbidden. what you need is some support from christian men that you trust enough to share your struggle with. it is difficult to tell someone but once you do, it will benefit you if the person you tell is understanding and willing to help you without passing judgment. i am also stuck right there with you though, wanting to live that lifestyle but also trying to change because i know it is wrong. it is a difficult thing we struggle with, i hope you are able to get support.
-anotherother
August 7th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
To Cesar Jx………..
i absolutely get what you are saying. I knew for years about my ssa…but didnt come out to my family and some of my friends until my senior year in highschool. It is incredibly hard to hide your sexuality. And very painful too. I tried to be as straight as possible. But like you mentioned after reading some of us say….for me personally….i have really intense feelings for girls…i am a girl. I have mild and very short lasting feelings for guys. I tried to change that a few years ago when i started dating a guy. (by the way…if you are trying to make yourself feel more straight…dating someone of the opposite gender as you is the WORST way to do it.) But anyways that crashed and burned and i felt more gay than ever after that whole incident. SO…..
now..i dont want to discourage you when i say this…but i believe even if i dont pursue girls…in this short life i will continue to be attracted to girls…but its my choice to run with those same sex feelings of attraction or not. i heard of some people that stopped the ssa after lots of time and prayer..but honestly…a lot of people i heard about and learned about said that although they dropped the gay lifestyle….they still are attracted to their same sex.
What you said at the end….about living a christian life, christian behavior..but the only difference is being gay. that runs through my head all the time…like……why cant i just do that and accept it and move on? But sadly..it is so much more complicated than that. Only the Lord knows what his plan for each of us is. i get what your saying..you want to know and follow Gods plan…cuz so far his way hasnt failed me or made me stumble at all. So i do want to know…but at the same time the whole ssa thing is really iffy and confusing. email and please respond if you read this.
August 13th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
And I am not being antagonistic at ALL when i mention this.
….As for living a gay christian lifestyle…out of all the sins that are swarming through every single human…why is it that homsexual sin is appearing to be the worst one?
I know straight christians who are judgmental, criticial, and lust after the opposite sex. I am not actively pursuing SSA…but it just doesnt seem right that there are kids and people who are just like me who are made fun of and constantly hear stupid comments about gay people. It’s like…I am accepted by my christian friends…as long as they dont know my secret. Well its not really a secret to some of my friends anymore but they claim to be christians but make fun of gay people. Isnt that wrong?
August 19th, 2009 at 8:35 am
to lscall930…
it is absolutely wrong for christians to make fun of gay people. almost all of my friends are gay bashers and extreme homophobes. it hurts to hear my closest friends and family, even siblings, say such cruel things about people like us who struggle with ssa. it goes against all christ taught us about love to treat people any less because of who they are. and homosexuality is NOT any worse than any other sin. whether you look at the guy passing you on the street or the girl, you are still lusting. both are sins and neither is worse. some christians would like you to believe that homosexuality is the worst sin but that is simply not true, they are either ignorant or afraid. i know that it is miserable to feel this way around friends, i have wanted to leave rooms and cry before when i have been hanging out with friends because of things they have said about people who struggle with ssa. it helps if you can find a friend who you can tell without them judging you, it has helped me at least. i hope this was somewhat helpful….Anotherother
August 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
hey anotherother….seriously, you dont even know. thankyou for writing that to me. i am very encouraged and honestly feel a little bit better after reading that. god bless you for your words that speak life to a sister in christ. well anyways, yes, it hurts pretty bad when your just hanging out and people around you…especially if its at youthgroup or sumthing like that when someone says something that bashes anything that isnt straight. luckily, i have one or two people in my life that i could talk to about ssa…or at least touch on it, and talking does help. that point you made about whether your looking at a guy or a girl…makes sense, because lust is lust. good luck dude god bless
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:39 pm
I am a 13 year old that struggles with ssa. I have struggled with
it for as long as I could remember. I thought I was gay when I
turned 12 but was afraid to disappointing my mother. Coming from a
very religious family I knew that homosexuality was not accepted.
But what I did not know was that just because you were attracted to
guys you were not considered gay. I am not a gay porn addict but I
occasionally watch it. (Like once a month) I try so hard to fight
the urge but the devil is always there to attack me. Frank your
story has really touched me and has showed me that I am not the
only person in the world that has gone and keeps going through ssa
everyday.
January 8th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Samuel15, Thanks for sharing some of your feelings. Regarding you
occasionally watching gay porn – try to find out what feelings
precede the moments you get the idea to act out. If you are not
already seeing a counselor/therapists, you should consider finding
one. Let us know if we can help you with anything. Don’t let
anything stop you from fulfilling the life you desire. Take care. R
February 25th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
I desperately need help. i am almost 15.
I have never shared this with any one except for my parents and our therapist.
I have been struggling with SSA since i was roughly the age of 5 when i was sexually abused by an older brother who used emotional abuse to get me to do what he wanted. But i was an active participate because of it. This continued till the age of 7-8. At this point he was having me do things on not only him but his friends, but he used emotional and physical abuse so i did what he told me to. For a long time i never really thought about it and had even forgotten about it.
Until about the age of 13 when these memories surfaced and caused me to be even more confused about my sexuality. This confusion got to the point where i actually had oral sex with a neighborhood boy of the same age at 13. I have grown up in a completely christian home and my grandfather is a pastor of his own church. I knew it was wrong but i had never really had a real relationship with God, other than praying.
My confusion about what happened with my brother caused me to try “cutting” where i didnt break the skin, but i raked the metal across my skin which left welts that my mother saw and confronted me about which led to me sobbing and telling her what happened 5-6 years previous. I have been going to a counselor and talked about what happened. I shrugged it off like it wasnt that big of a deal and that it doesnt bother me anymore, but i think that its the cause of my SSA. I eventually got into gay pornography a little while after i turned 14.
I have been struggling with SSA for a long time. Last year i finally started growing my faith after attending a youth group.
But I’m severely struggling with my thoughts. I don’t want to date men or kiss them which i find both completely gross. but i am continuing to have sexual thoughts about men and fantasizing about it.I don’t want to but its hard to control. I am a very good christian but my thoughts about these things continuously get in the way of god and my life. My parents don’t know about my SSA. i haven’t told anyone and have been living with this secret for almost 9 years. i want to change but i can’t tell my parents. Im constantly living in guilt and shame. if anyone can help me that’d be great.
Prov423
March 12th, 2010 at 9:42 am
I wrote this as my testimony a couple weeks ago and now i want to share it with you guys.
Cardboard Testimony
A card board testimony is an area of your life in which you show how God has changed you from what you were to who you are.
What I was:
Troubled teen who never listened to parents, who never did what was right. I was a person who struggled with making the right choices. I was addicted to sex, alcohol, and cigarettes. I made the wrong choices, never did the right thing and acted like a two year old. I lusted after Guys and had feelings for them… I assumed I Was gay and could never change. I lost my Virginity at the age of nine. One day I met a guy and fell in “love.” I was screwed up and did things you would think are unforgivable. I made lots of mistakes. I use to have sex with almost anyone I met. I lost my real mother at twelve; I lost My Grandmother the same year. My mom’s side of the family deserted me and left me alone. I had no true friends. I wanted to die! I cut myself for awhile and planned my death. I was an alcoholic before age nine. I abused animals when drunk, I picked on little Kids and I made them feel bad. I never loved people. I thought of hurting others. I was a potential serial killer. I hacked computers and destroyed others lives. I was screwed up and lived a horrible life!
But Not Anymore!
Who I am:
I am a child of God and Loved and accepted by him. Through God I have overcome all these temptations. I am not perfect but I am forgiven. I am a disciple of the Lord. I lead others to Christ Jesus, the Lord. I read His Word everyday. I help others overcome. I am Forgiven. God keeps me in line. I attend church every Sunday, Wednesday and Sunday Night. I am not saved by what I do but, by the grace of God. God has given me the gift of life! I am a leader in my youth. I am successful and I don’t blame God for what has happened. I am Glad God Allowed this misfortune to fall on me because if it had not I would not be the person I am today. I like girls, and have been clean since March of 2006. I do my best to listen to my parents and wouldn’t hurt a soul. I love to Worship my God. I love everyone and can not wait until the day I am welcomed into the Kingdom of God. I am Forgiven!
I don’t care what you say No one is too screwed up to be abandoned by God. You’re not alone.
March 15th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Hey Prov423
I feel the same way. I mean I was never sexually abused but I am always fantasizing about men and I really don’t want to. Like you I have never told anyone about this. My mom is a very strong christian and I think it would tear her into pieces if she found out about my “little secret”. I am a christian myself and I am very actively involved in the church but it seems that I cannot stop thinking about men. I have this friend that is gay and I think that he has started having suspicions about my sexuality and I don’t really know what to do anymore. I guess what I wanted to tell you is that you are not alone and I am going through the same thing. Somebody please help!
March 24th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Hi all, I recently heard of Exodus International while attending a college class called Sociology of Sexuality which explores the various aspects and current social constructs as well as scientific research about the subject of sex and sexuality. Basically what I have come to realize is that at this very moment the most current research in the field of genetics identifies 5 different sexes including a variation on hermaphrodites. This means that biologically people vary distinctly in sex and by sex I mean gender specific attributes. Genitalia no longer embodies sex but the biology and characteristics embodied by the person and accepted by society is what allows for people to associate gender. Now this issue of gender is huge in the identifying qualities of homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual. History shows that this was not always the case. In Japan prostitution was openly accepted by society and included the marrying of concubines and same sex interactions. In Greece no concept of homosexuality was ever identified and it was said that love between two men was the greatest form of love. In fact the word lesbian came from Lesbos which is an island near Greece where men would go to find women, beautiful women and be with them. Homosexuality originally came from the idea that women were being too sexual, it was used as a medical term to say that women were showing signs of attraction to men which was too strong. Our ideas of gender roles has changed so much over time as well as gender specific attributes. In the early 1800s it was believed that women wore blue to signify the sweetness of the sky and beauty whereas men wore pink as a tone down from red which was masculine for war. Our modern idea of male and femaleness is relatively new and changing. Society creates norms and moves through them respectively to fit a script. Now I hope that my comments don’t get reviewed as offensive, vulgar, overly personal, cynical, disrespectful, irrelevant, redundant, or unnecessary. Which are all ambiguous words. My point is this that acceptance from a Christian heart comes from the knowledge of God and God’s people. Knowing that people change, are genetically different, and generous is important. I appreciate Frank’s statement and hope that he finds himself because that is what he seems to be searching for the most. Never associate the self with earthly yearnings because they change and are not constant including hate and prejudice. I recently learned that a country passed a bill which states that homosexuality is punishable by death. This makes me incredibly sad. We need to live in a world where all God’s people are loved and accepted for who they are on the inside not external desires but internal goals, aspirations, and implementation. I have lived as a bisexual for many years and it is not just for fundamental attraction but because for me I realize that I need to feel free to love the person not the gender. God will not abandon you because God’s people will surround you and love you if you allow yourself to recognize who you are and that loving someone who has the same sex as you does not make you a bad person. Thank you so much for the time. Humbly in Wisconsin.
March 25th, 2010 at 11:43 am
Collegeresearch, thanks for the comment. The important thing here is, who is defining our gender and sexual identity? I wouldn’t look to the Greeks for guidance, since Greek culture was totally pagan, lacking any real appreciation and obedience to a higher power. Their moral compass was guided mainly by their own passions and desires. Even so, homosexuality was not universally accepted as a positive thing. Plato himself referred homosexuality or pederasty – which was the most common kind of homosexual expression in ancient Greece – to an enormity or crime and that it was derived from being enslaved to pleasure. The world’s ideals of gender and sex have evolved and changed over time. But, who do we listen to and who do we follow? I used to identify as gay, but now I don’t because I believe the Bible is clear on the issue of homosexuality. Though culture changes, the word of God does not. He is the one that determines what is gender and the proper expression of sexuality. I believe the country you are referring to that passed this bill made a huge and heart-breaking mistake. No one chooses to have these feelings and it is so important to extend grace, compassion, and love. You are right, we need to live in a world where all God’s children love others regardless of how they identify themselves. But at the same time we meet them where they are at, but encourage them onwards to their true identity in Christ. Thanks for posting.
April 2nd, 2010 at 5:29 pm
To SAMUEL15 and PROV425:
Hey,
If you guys need someone to talk to, you can always contact someone at Exodus or some other organization like International Healing Foundation. I am 19 years old and I used to struggle with SSA.
Take care. Have a nice weekend.
R
April 29th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Hey,
I am 17 and ever since I was in 7th grade, someone has called me gay. I just ignored them but it still was lurking in the back of my head that it might be true. I didn’t really care for anything that guys care for and still don’t. My older brother started making me do sexual things with him. I first I didnt like it but then I did and started to do the same things with him. I know that what I did was wrong and that God doesn’t like what I did and do. I talked with a guy who is bisexual and he said that he thinks that I am bisexual too. I have dated two girls and really really love them and still do. We are still BFFs. But at the same time I want to date guys. I have told some of this to my best friend from middle school but he lives in another state now so I don’t get to talk to him that often. I really don’t know what to do. I am a 4th and 5th grade leader at my church for the last 3 years and have been a Christian since June 15th 2005. Many of the boys parents say that they are glad that I am such a good influence on them and that they talk about me all the time, about how I am a friend with them and how I love God. Each time a parent tells me that, I feel deep down inside that I do not want them to be like me because of the way I feel and act at times. I don’t know what to do. Can some one help?!? please!!!
May 7th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Hi djx649, it seems our stories are similar. My 6th grade year began the name-calling, and I was quickly known as the gay kid. An older relative of mine also began to sexually abuse me…but I enjoyed it. I battled intensely as I was dating girls with the huge desire of dating guys. Eventually I broke down and did that. But it was never fulfilling. I encourage you to talk to an older mentor-type person about these struggles. Don’t keep them inside. Also, do not walk in shame simply because you are attracted to the same-sex. God loves you greatly and can still use you in awesome ways with the 4th and 5th graders. I would say you are a very courageous guy for actually seeking out answers and searching for help. Is there someone in your church you can confide in? Do you have a strong Christian friend that can walk through this with you? You definitely need community and someone to talk to about these struggles. I found so much of my healing when I confided in a few people my struggles. I didn’t receive condemnation or anger, but love and grace. It is through those type relationships that you will find healing.
May 11th, 2010 at 11:02 am
Hello all! Long story short, ( and I hope this isn’t to irrelevant)
but after reading Frank’s story I have a few questions of my own.
I’ve grown up in a Christian home and I have been blessed with some
of the most wonderful mentors. I’ve spoken openly about all matters
with them including my new quest to find my identity. My youth
leader suggested I look into “exodus” and what a blessing this site
is as well! Chris- or to anyone who would like to answer- I just
finished my first year of college and my boyfriend and I recently
broke up. I am in a place right now where I am unsure of my own
identity and whether or not it truly lies in Christ because I am
feeling unloved. I question my sexual identity because I am hearing
constant lies that tell me ” I am not loved, nor beautiful. What
you did with your boyfriend will never allow you to be wanted
again. No male loves you. You have wonderful female friends. They
are the only ones who care about you and love you. Therefore, you
are gay. That’s the reason you and your boyfriend didn’t work out.
That’s the reason that you are naturally drawn to females. Being
gay is fine! It’s accepted. You will be accepted and loved if you
admit your really gay.” So, in a short summary, how do you know if
you are gay? How can you tell the difference between natural
affection and unnatural attraction to the same sex? How do you tell
the difference between the lies from Satan or truths from God?
May 11th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Hi Kourtney, thanks for your comment here. If you feel condemnation then that certainly isn’t from the Lord. Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The Lord convicts us of our sin, but never condemns. So in answer to your last question, the enemy (Satan) is attacking you with lies. You are loved beyond human comprehension. No matter how you feel about yourself or what you’ve done God loves you. Walk in that truth and run from the lies. Your identity is not rooted in who you are attracted to or your feelings. Christ defines you and your identity is in Him – not in things of this world. Any time desires for the same-sex becomes sexualized or obsessive, then you have crossed over the boundaries. Natural love and affection is selfless. But many times, for people who deal with homosexuality, this gets warped with the same-sex into something selfish. Anytime anyone desires another person for their own pleasure, it’s selfish, and thus unhealthy. I hope this is helpful. If any of this doesn’t make sense or brings up more questions, please feel free to comment more. God loves you Kourtney, so very much. And you are absolutely beautiful because you are a created being by the most wonderful Creator!
May 11th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Thanks Chris! This does help! Another question- A friend has come
to be questioning whether or not they are gay. Are there “warning”
signs? Does that make sense? How can I help them figure out truth?
May 13th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Kourtney, I’m not sure I understand what you mean by warning signs. Do you mean warning signs when someone is struggling? I would simply talk to hem about their faith and sexuality. Are they contemplating embracing a gay identity or simply acknowledging this is something they are struggling with? Depending on which side of the coin they land on will determine how you approach the topic.
August 21st, 2010 at 2:14 pm
to lscall930 I read your message and it kinda touched my life. Even
after a lot of time. I also thinks like you, I never wanted to live
the “lifestyle” (wich I never did), and I will not live the
“lifestyle”. First of all I am Christian. I made a covenant with
God, (because I believe God is a God of covenants) “If you want to
change me, then do it, I don’t know how to make it, but I will not
focus in this anymore, because I’m wasting a lot of time when I
could make a lot of other stuff, like grow in my character, grow in
my relationships, as a leader, as a servant, as a filmmaker, as an
sport guy, as a business man, and grow up in all areas not just in
the sexual one” And first time in my life, I can imagine a future,
I can dream dreams, and grow up as a whole person trying to be like
Jesus, and administrate ALL the talents and opportunities He’s gave
me (and I wont bury them in the ground). I have understood that
these gay feelings wont make me worst in front of God, or better.
They are just there, I never chose them (as everyone here know from
first hand), my responsibility is how I react. Right now I’m living
a great life (not a life of sin) but a life in the Spirit, where I
am invited to His eternal freedom and joy.
August 26th, 2010 at 12:29 am
to samuel15. prov423 and djx649 wow, i know exactly how you feel. i
can remember how horrible it feels to have that sense of guilt and
hopelessness that constantly drags you down. just remember this,
you are not at all wrong for experiencing these attractions, you
did not ask for it. it is only a sin to lust and pursue these
attractions. they were caused by things beyond your control. all
the times you have sinned are dead on the cross. Jesus died for a
reason, so that you would never have to feel the shame of sin and
let it drag you down. don’t let yourself get bogged down by the
fact that you are attracted to men. that is something you can’t
stop so don’t beat yourselves up for it. concentrate instead on
your relationship with God. pray about what you are feeling, be
honest with God. if you are angry at God, let him know! be honest.
i know it is hard to do this alone, and sometimes even though you
believe God is there, it feels like he isn’t working in you. it is
so hard to keep a faith in someting you can’t see feel or touch. so
never stop seeking. it is also very important to surround yourself
with strong christian men who can guide you. i didn’t find any
peace or help until i went to a support group for men of all ages
with sexual addictions. it was like a revelation! all these
christian men surrounding me and supporting me and most amazingly,
not judging me but appreciatting me for who i was. if you can find
a group or a counselor who specializes in SSA, GO! you will be
helped tremendously. if you can’t find anything like that, go to
your pastor, an elder, a youth leader….any man that you trust and
share your struggle with them. i also did this and it was so
helpful! i know it sounds easy in writing but believe me, i know it
isn’t. i was shaking all the way to my first group meeting and i
got sick during the meeting. i was so scared. i could barely eat
before i told my youth leader and i stuttered the whole time i
talked to him. nothing about this is easy until you realize that
YOU are powerless but God..God is all powerful and he CAN work in
your life. sometimes its hard, i had years of depression,
compulsive overeating, masturbation, porn addiction, codependency
and self hatred that led up to this point. i know it was not me
that worked all of these changes but God. pray hard and pursue God
with all your power! love and hope for your healing, -anotherother