I have boyfriends, but I’m afraid I might be a lesbian
Written by: Yvette Schneider | October 29th, 2008
If I had a dime for every time a young woman questions her sexuality, I could easily pay for my children’s future college tuition. And that would be sending them to a private school, not a community college. You may wonder what is causing this unhealthy trend among teens and young women. When you live in a sex-saturated culture like we do, with sexual images inundating us on TV, in movies and magazines, it is no wonder that sex becomes a constant theme to analyze, ponder and generally obsess over.
The other day, while milling through the masses at the airport, I considered buying a magazine to read on the plane rather than the boring novel I had borrowed from the library. Every magazine geared toward women was either filled with images of seductive, scantily-clad women or boasted articles describing sexual fantasies and avenues to sexual gratification. The cheesy mystery on loan from the library suddenly seemed as deep and nuanced as a Jane Austen novel.
Unless you are willing to completely remove yourself from society and live in a remote Bornean jungle or a cultic commune, you need to learn how to handle the sexual images that bombard your life and to understand the origins of the thoughts and feelings you experience. Defining your sexuality by the random thoughts, dreams and feelings you may have, that are fleeting if left alone, is always a mistake.
Many lesbian-identified women I know, and those who formerly identified as lesbian, experienced several years of same-sex attractions beginning around the ages of 10-12 before they experienced their first lesbian relationship. The teen nowadays who wonders about her sexuality does not usually have a history of same-sex attractions. She is simply the victim of a culture that sexualizes women from a very young age. Just look at dolls like Bratz and Ty Girlz that are geared for elementary-school aged girls, yet the dolls are dressed in skimpy dance-club clothes and caked with make-up. This early sexualization of girls is almost guaranteed to lead to sexual thoughts of various kinds.
Young girls are wondering if they are lesbians for no reason other than they find their pretty friends attractive. One twenty-something newlywed asked me if I thought she was a lesbian because she found a reclining woman on a billboard attractive and couldn’t stop thinking about her. Noticing someone’s physical attractiveness is not unusual and does not qualify you as a homosexual. Several years ago on a Seinfeld episode, Elaine asked Jerry and George if they knew a fellow gym member who she described as handsome. Obviously uncomfortable with the question, they averted their eyes while mumbling negative responses. Elaine said, “Just admitting that a man is attractive does not make you a homosexual.” George replied, “It doesn’t help.”
The fear that George expressed about possibly being a homosexual if he found another man attractive typifies what has occurred in our society over the past decade. The mentality of fear or even of curiosity allows those meaningless, fleeting thoughts and feelings to grow and even fester. Suddenly, something that was as innocuous as a gnat becomes as threatening as a virus-bearing mosquito. The problem is that we perceive simple thoughts or dreams as defining our sexuality. If you think about stealing a magazine at a convenience store, does that make you a thief or a kleptomaniac? If you think about telling your mom you didn’t wash the dishes because you were studying when you were really texting your friend, does that make you a liar?
Thoughts are dangerous only when we dwell on them. If we “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” moving beyond the sexual thought and on to more constructive thoughts, the power of the sexual thought is annihilated. Let us try an experiment. If I say, “Whatever you do, do not think about the giant, pink elephant in the room,” what happens in your mind? You start thinking about a giant, pink elephant, right? You can’t help it; neither can I. Telling anyone not to think about the pink elephant in the room will prompt them to think about nothing but the pink elephant. The same thing is going to happen when you are assailed with sexual images and seductive influences.
I can’t say all, but many girls feel the need to question their sexuality in our modern-day culture. It is just what society has taught us to do in an attempt to normalize behaviors like homosexuality. Student groups aimed at promoting homosexuality among youth encourage “questioning” students to join their group and hear about the celebration of homosexuality. Attending a group that pushes you to further question your sexuality will surely influence the way you choose to define your sexuality.
Way back in 1982, the movie Personal Best shook many of my friends who had never before in their lives thought about lesbianism. A track star has a lesbian relationship with one of her chief competitors, while maintaining a relationship with her boyfriend. Lesbian celebrity Chastity Bono sites Personal Best as a movie that allowed her to embrace her same-sex attractions. It left many of my friends afraid of becoming lesbians if they had close girlfriends who were attractive. Never underestimate the impact of cultural influences on our lives.
By the way, you aren’t thinking about the giant, pink elephant in the room anymore are you? Your mind moved on to other things and you weren’t worried that your fleeting pink elephant thoughts would somehow define you.
Throughout our lives, we will have thoughts, dreams and feelings that disturb us. The best course of action is follow the example the apostle Paul gave us in Philippians, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (4:8), and let the unwelcome thoughts fade away.
9 Responses to “I have boyfriends, but I’m afraid I might be a lesbian”
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February 5th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
The whole "pink elephant" did make a lot of sense. The more we choose to dwell on our thoughts, feelings, emotions, or even actions, the more intense they become to us. For me, I try so hard not to dwell on any of those, and if I do, I try to quickly get my mind of it by going for a drive, music, checking emails, or even go running.
A lot of times tho, I can’t seem to get away from these thoughts and all..I get stuck and cannot get my mind off it no matter what. Then when I do get stuck dwelling on them, I’m struck by the overwhelming guilt and confusion of why I even have feelings for the same-sex! If I know God tells us same-sex relations are wrong, why do I struggle with it so badly? In the Bible it says to run from sexual immorality…I just don’t feel like I can run fast enough from it!
What I don’t understand is how I can have feelings for guys AND girls..Right now I’m kind of in a stage of "I don’t like guys that much, and I don’t want to date them" so I guess I turned to girls. I still do not understand why, but I’ve struggles with same-sex attractions for years, only this year I gave into my lusts for same-sex and became involved physically and emotionally with a girl, who happened to be one of my best friends. I want so bad to NOT like her, but I cant seem to shake it! How am I supposed to stop these feelings? I don’t like guys, and I dont WANT to like girls..Does this mean I’m bi? I know its wrong, but I keep falling into the temptations. And to make it worse, my friend (the girl) gets upset with me when I talk about how our relationship is sin and that I feel bad. She says she’s a Christian too, but if she is then why does she get so angry with me about that? I’m so confused!
February 5th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
RedRose, I have not struggled with Lesbian attractions myself, and as I understand it, men are wired different in so much as we’re more visual than emotional. I know that the bulk of my struggle has dealt with lusting after men rather than emotional attachments. That being said, it is not as if I cant relate to your struggle at all. I too have fallen victim to developing feelings for a friends. In fact, that is precisely how I fell into an innappropriate relationship five years ago. I confessed to my friend that I was struggling with same gender attractions. He told me they were normal and even encouraged me to experiment with him. Thankfully neither of us had a car and nothing ever happened, but still the emotional ties were there and the willingness to act out with him was too.
What helped me was that I ceased all communications with my friend. I erased his number from my phone, I changed numbers shortly thereafter and erased any other contact information like screennames or blogs I had for him. The seperation made it easier to cope. If I wanted to reach out for him I couldnt, eventually the moment would pass and I would be ok. It wasnt an easy choice and it was painful. but much more painful would have been for me to give in. I later was able to look at the relationship from a more objective approach and realized that my affection for him was selfish. He fed me affirmation and told me the things I wanted to hear. I wanted to own him so he could keep feeding me the words I needed to hear, that I was of value and handsome. The bible gives a very clear illustration of love in 1stCor chapter 13. I can honestly say my feelings for him (despite how intense, passionate and real they felt) did not fall within the parameters set forth in those verses.
conventional wisdom would suggest that you let go of the relationship with that girl all together. if you both fell, it would probably be hard to maintain a healthy, safe, fullfilling friendship while both of you are brewing with romantic/sexual feelings beneath the surface.
but one point I always stress is community. this journey cannot be done without community. for me it involved a support group and later on intense counseling. I encourage you to seek out an Exodus member ministry in your area that can help you walk through these issues or at least seek out a christian counselor (preferable female) to help you walk through this one on one. when we are in the midst of a struggle our greatest asset are people who love us and can see us through the fog that clouds our own judgement. I would also encourage you to get your hands on some resourses helping to explain female homosexuality.
much love,
Frank
February 17th, 2009 at 8:34 am
thankyou,
this has helped me so much in understanding things. you dont know how greatfull i am.
i watched a documentory on this actor i have no idea what his name is but he was captin jack in dr who. anyway hes bisexual and he was wondering if he had no choice in the matter and since hes rich and everything he figured "lets have a camra crew follow me" . it turned out that in the end, said he didnt have a chioce and he was natrualy wired to be homosexual,
and that got me thinking "OMG, i could be homosexual and not even know it!"
that was a year ago and since then its been building until it went from thinking about now and then, to thinking about it when people brought up homosexualtiy (and thats alot suprisingly,) and then i found out my peano teachers homosexual, then lindsay lohnan told the world about her sexual prefences, and that made me think in wasent that uncommon.
I had comleatly forgoten that i had been likeing boys since i was about ten and i’m 15 now and i had never found the guys my friends like quite appeling (the cleen cut ones with combs up there sleves, i had always prefered the sensetive one with dark hair regardless of his looks, but they made my friends gag) and thought that then ment i wasnt thinking of boys the right way,
then i became depressed hateing myself for thinking things that i didnt want to be true, and constantly worrying that whenever i thought a girl looked pretty i was being homosexual, these thoughts dominated my life and messed with my school work and eating,
and now you’ve made me realise that i was being SO unbelivably paraniod, and since when did a BBC documentery say anything factual in it .
i’m not religous, but i was brought up in a catholic family and sent to catholic schools so i do beilive in a god and that he is watching over all of us, and i hope that he is watching over you becuse i think you have quite litraly saved my life. and i am sending so much love your way!
Thankyou more than you’ll EVER know
Izzy
February 17th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Izzy –
Sounds like you’ve been really confused by all these crazy things that you’ve heard from TV and from your friends. So you aren’t attracted to the same kind of boys as your friends and sometimes you think that another girls looks pretty — that’s completely normal!
Glad you found our site!
Scott
June 19th, 2009 at 12:38 am
I totally agree with this article, I also think the media and social conditions influence us greatly. It’s sometimes so easy to get consumed in the world and we let that influence the way we act and mostly think. I did learn before, that our thoughts influence our actions, so it makes sense that the more we think about possibly being a certain way, then letting what we see in mags, or tv, and on the internet confirm what we think, it becomes normal-when really it is not. To me it even seems that the good is hidden and the bad is just blaring like a loud stereo which then seemingly turns into good. Im really greatful that there are so many people out there who are standing up for their beliefs, and are sharing it with others, this article was refreshing, thank you!
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Im struggling with thoughts and feelings for a lesbian relationship
but have not acted on them. Ive never really felt comfortable
kissing guys and with it being 2009 I thought this meant that i
wasnt destined to be with guys and i felt scared because of the
verse in the bible saying heaven isnt for homosexuals. i became
friends with a girl before ifound out she was bi and now i found
out shes attracted to me physicaly. she says i act more like a guy
than a girl in the way i handle myself but ive never noticed it
because ive always been tougher than most girls. in PE we were
assigned to be partners for fitness training which includes
spotting eachother when lifting weights and more than once ive
noticed her watching me like a girl admires a guy.this has been
sort of awkward for me but ive tried to deflect her attention by
telling her about God. much to my suprise she tells me that she is
catholic. i dont know what to do next.
December 7th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Hi sparklingorange, I would encourage you to let her know that you have no desire to pursue anything with her. Stand firm on your own boundaries. If necessary, you may want to have someone like a mentor get involved, someone who can hold you accountable in this situation. It would be great for you to have someone to dialogue with about this.
December 15th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Yvette Schneider, you are officially my hero. For writing this
article. Seriously. Almost everything you mentioned in this piece -
the fear of being lesbian, the sexual thoughts, finding other women
attractive – have occured in my own life. Although I had only once
found a woman very attractive, I had never actually felt sexually
attracted to another woman. Yet still the thought that I might be
lesbian/bisexual plagued me. I had a boyfriend, and that just made
it worse – I felt guilty. I was so confused with myself that I just
WISHED, if there was a possibility that I was lesbian/bisexual, I
was secure and comfortable with the idea. Of course, for anyone
coming out, this could be a struggle. But now I think, having never
actually had feelings for another woman, I can safely say that my
mind was truly just in a mix-up, infused by the sexual hype of
today’s society. Another influence I think, is the fact that my
friends used to mock me about being “lesbian” – at times. Even
though it was in a friendly way, I think it might have embedded in
me the fear of being excluded. Isn’t that ironic? The way our
society has become so sexualized, yet at the same time, many of us
still can’t openly embrace homosexuality? I thank you so much; this
has seriously helped me figure myself out. It may sound loser-ish,
but I am going to print this and stick it into my diary, as never
to forget!
September 11th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I’ve been struggling with SSA for about a year and a half to 2
years. I always question whether or not I’m going to one day just
turn out to be a lesbian. I’ve never done anything with another
girl. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship at all. Not with a
guy or a girl. I like guys…don’t get me wrong…but, I just don’t
understand why I’m attracted to other women. I don’t understand why
I have sexual desires for them. I don’t like that I have these
desires! I mean, one of the biggest desires of my heart is to one
day be a wife and a mother…but I mean….are these feelings going
to just ruin that for me???? The pink elephant thing really makes
sense. I’ve experienced it. I mean, when I’m like focused on God
and keep myself up-to-date with Him…it’s like…my ssa doesn’t
bother me. But it’s when I find myself not spending enough time
with God (in His presence or in His Word) that I start thinking
about my ssa and then I start letting myself kind of obsess over it
and then pretty much my ssa is all I think about for a time. I’ve
only told one friend about my ssa, but she didn’t have any advice
for me, and I just don’t think that she understands. And we don’t
really talk about it anymore. I’m just always so confused. And
every thought in my head is just like a hurricane inside. And I
have problems with fantasizing over girls, and it makes me feel so
gross and I hate myself. And sometimes I just feel too ashamed to
go to God and ask for His forgiveness. It’s like I’ve messed up so
many times and fantasized so many times after I told myself I
wouldn’t do it again. I just keep falling, though. And it’s hard
and it hurts. I don’t want to give up in my relationship with Jesus
Christ, but I won’t lie….I’ve thought about how easy it would be
to just give in to what I feel and walk away. But it’s
like…whenever I start thinking that….a fire inside of me starts
to burn, and I realize that nothing in this world could ever
replace the peace and joy and love that only God can give me. And
that’s pretty much when I go to God and ask for His forgiveness.
But…I don’t like living that way….I want to live in victory. I
don’t want to be off and on like Israel was in the Old Testament.
My ssa is so strong, though. I really hate it.