Starting the Journey
Written by: Mike | March 14th, 2008
Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Maybe you’re struggling with same-sex attraction or you know somebody who is. The good news: you’re not alone! Or maybe you heard about Exodus somewhere and just couldn’t believe something like this really existed. In any case, we’re glad you’re here to find answers for yourself. Let’s talk about it:
- What are you guys all about?
- Is God mad at me?
- What does “freedom from homosexuality” really mean?
- So what now?
Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.
Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.
It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!
First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.
The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.
God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.
What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?
What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)
There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.
There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.
The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you have difficulty living out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.
No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.
Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way. For many of us, our struggle began with the strong feeling that we were “different,” we were outsiders who didn’t belong. Little did we know how that belief would shape things to come. But freedom is about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you.
Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.
If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!
First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has and from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.
Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through safe online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an near you where you can find a counselor or support group.
The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.
You can also search to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.
There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)
28 Responses to “Starting the Journey”
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October 23rd, 2008 at 1:00 am
So im not sure how to submit a question so im just doing this. I have been struggling lately i found out my uncle was gay adn then i questioned if it was ok. Sometimes i still wonder if its ok, is is ok for me? I like guys( I’m a girl) but sometimes I just feel like is it ok to like a girl? i could never picture myslef gay but it is a fear I have and I’ve have been praying and reading alot of verses about homosexualoty cause I question myself alot. I need to tell someone cause I cant keep fighting it inside. Bascially I dont want to be homosexual but I cant get rid of those thoughts and I’m just confused.
October 29th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
countrygirl, thanks for your honest question! It’s such a good question that we posted a new article in response. Check it out:
I have boyfriends, but I’m afraid I might be a lesbian
November 29th, 2008 at 5:27 am
Hey, thank you for everything you do! I’ve struggled with strong attraction to both sexes ever since I can remember. I’ve also known right and wrong, and I began to know the love of Jesus really strong in 2004. Even though I’ve followed God since then, I had a lot of anger inside my heart. I fought this thing so hard, and it was so painful not to talk about it, and I felt like such a loser. The hardest thing to do was confide in someone. I’ve shared this part of my story with a few people and have gotten some prayer over it, and I’m walking in so much more freedom than I ever have! The articles on your page have also really strengthened me. Even though I walk in freedom, please pray for me, because I still sometimes have to fight really hard in the area of sexuality.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Patrick, I’m so glad you’re beginning to experience more freedom and joy in Christ! And kudos to you for having the bravery to open up to others and be vulnerable. You may not realize it, but your transparency can also be very freeing to them, because they see that you are humble and aware of your own struggles and aren’t likely to be judgmental about theirs.
Keep working and praying within your inner circle of Brothers and Sisters in Christ. The truth is, every one of us faces challenging struggles in the area of sex and relationships. Just listen to other Christians who don’t deal with SSA talk about their issues–you’ll begin to realize how similar we all are.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
First of all, I thank God that I have found a place where I can share my struggles without feeling ashamed or alienated. Since I was a baby, my parents have taken me to church and encouraged me to live a life pleasing to God. But it wasn’t until I was 14 that I experienced Jesus for the first time, and that is when my life was completely transformed. A short time after this, I began to feel an attraction to one of my female teachers. [I'm a female]. She was someone I have always looked up to, but I had never imagined having sexual feelings for her. But I did. I also knew what the Bible said about homosexuality, and I wanted more than anything to live my life to glorify God. After about a year of struggling on my own and battling temptation, I shared my problems with my youth leader. She was young-a college student-and at a loss for a way to help me. She encouraged me to share with an older lady in our church, but she also didn’t understand my struggles. I finally told my mom the first semester of my senior year. My mom thought it was the most horrible thing ever. She and my dad took me to an Exodus counselor, but after going to see her a few times, we stopped going. It was a long way away from the town I live in, and it didn’t seem to help as much as I thought it would. When I moved up to 12th grade, I got a new youth leader and an accountabililty partner. But I still struggle with this attraction every single day. I have that same teacher again this year, and even though I know that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me, I still get frustrated and want to give up. Over and over and over again.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
sub rosa,
I’m glad you found our site! Take some time to look around, read what’s here, and ask any questions you have. It’s so important to have good people supporting you, so I’m glad you have a new youth leader and accountability partner.
Do you know about Reach Truth? It’s an online program you can go through with your youth leader. Basically it guides both of you through weekly lessons that helps you learn and grow, and helps your youth leader learn how to help you!
We have an article about here: https://exodusyouth.net/2008/12/04/reach-truth-online-mentoring-for-you/
March 18th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
First I want to say that I am SO glad that this site is here…it’s good to know there is a place I can go to and see what other people have to say about this stuff, as well as what God says..
Lately I’ve noticed that my thoughts have not been where they should be in terms of my sexuality (I’m a girl). These thoughts started to appear a couple years ago, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that they were becoming more frequent, and actually sexual.
I told a good friend about these thoughts (she showed me this site), and ever since I "put it out there", the thoughts haven’t been as bad/frequent. I was thinking that there really wasn’t any reason to look further into this site, or to bother mentioning it anymore. I thought that I really didn’t have a problem with it anymore; that if I talked to anyone else about it, I would only be trying to get attention.. basically getting myself and others worked up over nothing. But at the same time, I don’t think it would be good to pretend it isn’t there, and let it grow and become a huge issue that’s harder to deal with. I would much rather deal with it now..
One of the things about these thoughts that kind of upsets me is the fact that I’m not feeling totally guilty about them.. I mean, I guess I’m upset that I’m not completely disgusted with myself or doing everything I possibly can to avoid the thoughts. It’s like part of me wants to think them.. I have a theory as to why this is: I’ve never been into guys, or the whole dating thing. But now I’m getting these feelings that I’ve never had before, and I kind of like the feeling (except they’re for the wrong gender)..
Another thing that is kind of confusing me is that my friend said that sometimes thinking certain thoughts is a way to "enjoy" the sin without actually doing anything wrong. She said that there was always the chance of acting out on those things. I always thought that thinking those thoughts about girls was a sin in itself.. I would’ve totally disagreed with what she said if she wasn’t a Christian, but she is. I look up to her and see her as someone who really lives for God, but what she told me about "enjoying the sin without actually sinning" is confusing me.
March 18th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Glad you’re here! There is definately hope for you. you don’t have to live a life you don’t want. Telling good, solid christian friends we can trust is a great place to start. we cant carry the burden ourselves. God made us to live in community.
The temptation is not a sin. however, dwelling and lusting is a sin. gay or straight. Jesus himself says that “if you lust after a woman, you have already committed adultery.” That is a sin.
thankfully, the good news is there is hope.
you are much loved
May 13th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I dont even know where to begin, I’ve began over and over. I’ve fought this homosexual stuff for close to 3 years now, since I became saved. I want it gone, but everything I’ve attempted has not worked. I’ve learned a whole lot about this and the psychology of homosexuality through the process of seeking answers. I am not satisfied to just settle and say, "This is me I just need to accept it and embrace it," or, "This is going to be with me forever, I have to just learn how to accept that I will be in a constant battle with this forever." I will not be satisfied untill this is healed. But I’ve run out of ideas, everything I throw at it seems not to phase it at all. It just keeps trucking along, unphased by my attacks. I need direction, what can I do??
May 14th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Im so sorry Meizler. This isnt an easy walk, and I know it.
I dont know what you have tried, but I know whats worked best for me is doing this within community. Being able to walk this out with a local support group and a church body. I admit I’m one of the lucky ones. So few churches want to talk about homosexuality, and treat those who struggle like lepers. But those who persevere are the ones who make it.
This struggle isnt easy, and we have to fight to overcome this because the world isnt going to make it easier. sometimes, we have to make hard choices. I’ve heard of some that have even moved to be near a ministry. I myself moved to Memphis for a while to be part of a residential program called Love In Action. A good friend once told me, that successful people make a habit of doing that which failures never do. And so, I dont know what “everything” you’ve tried is… but in case you havent, please find a local ministry to help you. go to the exodus conference this summer, find a christian counselor to help you, go to Love in Action of New Hope if you have to… resources exist, but this isnt going to be a cakewalk. fight for your freedom.
and know that you are much loved! We dont change so God can love us, we have that already. But Christ came to give us freedom from sin, all sin… hetero or homosexual alike. He came to give us life and more abundantly, but we do have a real enemy, and this world would like us to conform. Its a fight, but its soooo well worth it. Dont give up.
May 14th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Memphis… is there an exodus thing there? Because I only live an hour or so away from Memphis. But, I’ve tried a christian councelor, and it gave me alot of insight and helped, it just hasent permenatly helped. I also dont want to tell any one close to me of my struggle with this because well, I suppose its probably pride/fear. Im afraid that if I come out and say it then the struggle will become my identity. And this isnt who I am. I dont want this to become who I am. I have aspirations that dont include this, and I dont want them to. And I know there is hope in all this, my faith in God is strong, its just that I’m extremely impatient for this to go away. My faith wont break due to this. This isent worth loosing my faith over. Thanks for responding.
May 15th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Yes, there is a wonderful ministry in Memphis Tennessee by the name of Love In Action. They offer a variety of different ministries. I myself was involved in their three month residential program. Basically, in that program, you live in one of the Love In Action houses and follow a strict schedule. you are in a support group format five days a week during the day, are guided by a wonder team of Christian counselors and cared for experienced staff, mostly who have dealt with this issue themselves. I highly recommend the program for anyone willing to take drastic measures to overcome this. these people dont play around.
however, if you dont want to do the three month residential program, they offer counseling, various weekend seminars and counseling intensives, as well as a support group. at the very least I recommend you attend their support group. I know its scary, but these issues wont go away by ignoring them.
I often share of my story, that for a while, before I was going to enter the gay lifestyle, I thought I had tried everything to change. The truth was that ignoring it and hoping it would go away is not “trying everything.” we’ve got to work out our junk, and its not going to be easy. But I think its worth it.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Wow, this site is amazing! I’m from Australia, I found your website by accident. I was just looking for some answers, for this struggle I’m going through. After reading the coments above, I didn’t realise so many pple had the same struggle as i do. I’ve had this conflict within me, for at least the last six years.
As a young adult (guy), I have a deep love and passion for the things of God, but my walk is often spoiled by the shame and guilt of my thought life. Even though I realised that I needed to change my thinking, for years now, I’ve fed my obsession with habitual thoughts of lust, lust for ppl i worked with and even went to church with. I guess I had learned to live with it.
I first shared my struggle with my PE teacher, who later avoided me. I shared with my parents, in a desperate bid, to get help. They responded lovingly, but said a prayer and never spoke of it again. I don’t blame them, for them, they never had to deal with this kind of a problem before ever and Although I would never have the guts to start any sort of open relationship, I know if I continue down this road it would lead to a dark place.
Your website has given my renewed hope. In my life, I’ve very rearly come across a person or even a testimony of pple who have had my struggles and come out on top. if it can be done, then I want it done in me! Is there any exodus places here, down under? I’m looking for to the comming weeks/months. With Christ’s help, I’m comitted to this journey.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Okay. Let’s start out by letting you know I’m a girl. Well, my sister is a lesbian, she has been since she was in middle school. And I’m starting to question my sexuality. I’ve always liked boys, but lately I’ve been developing feelings for girls as well. I tried dating a girl, and I was still unsure. I knew I was doing something wrong, and i was ashamed. But I can’t get rid of the feelings I have for some girls. I’ve been going to this amazing church for about 3 years, and I’ve always been religious. I talked to my pastor and he gave me this sight. I was just wondering if you coud help me. I don’t know what to do, these feelings just won’t go away and they keep getting stronger. I don’t wanna be like this, but its like I can’t stop myself.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Hi, I would like to say thank you for this wonderful site. My counselor recommended me checking this website out and I really like it! It’s a good site for those who are struggling with who they really are. I’m still confused about whether I like girls or not, but I know that God will lead me to the right path in life. I don’t want to be gay/lesbian!
July 29th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I’m Gay and ive acted on it, im ashamed to tell my family and friends – This all seems great but were do i start, im from england but we have no real websites like this over here. How do i start and will my distance mean i will be doing it alone?
August 18th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Hey Roger,
did you sign up for http://forums.livehope.org . thats a great site to interact a little easier with everyone and share your story and listen to others. Im sure you can get some answers as to ministries in England on that forum i posted the link to. It is nice being able to talk to others so openly and freely and express your emotions in such a free way. check it out.
August 21st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
well im not sure what to say im 18 and experienced gay culture for bout 3 months (clubs, support groups, and constant encounters with random men) i literally lived for sex…it was all i did and spent my time doing but it left me empty and alone and full of fear cause ive always known homosexuality was wrong since i was a child i actually hated it when i was young i was sick to my stomach to see a gay man…sadly a few years later i became a flaming one now im trying to serve God and let go of everything gay so to speak ive been through alot of deliverance and to be honest my attraction to men has somewhat stopped but its like i always feel like somethings missing i ask God to but it lasts only temperarily then im thinking about men again i know how to suppress the feelings and keep away yet deep down i still feel like thats who i am sometimes i think im crazy or God has left me…but i know alot has happened to prove he hasnt i just want to feel completely free…im trying so hard to see myself as a sane, christian, young man but its so difficult
December 26th, 2009 at 12:11 am
i am so confused. I just dont know what to do. I’ve pretty much
come to the conclusion that I’m gay. But i DONT WANT TO BE. It’s
like I’m wired the wrong way or something. When i first knew this,
i just held it in and thought i could keep it from everyone,
including myself. But, I’ve took my pain and indulged into things
that arent good. I find myself looking at men lustfully and feeling
sexually attracted to them. I look up male porn every once in a
while and I know its wrong but i just cant stop indulging. I dont
plan on every “coming out” But i need some methods on dealing with
this in a christ like manner. help!
January 4th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Hi thegospel… I know where you are, because I’ve been there myself. Some things I have used to walk in freedom and stay in freedom are such things as accountability. It’s really important to have someone to talk to, to flesh things out with. Keeping your thoughts in your head only make you more confused. So talking with someone when you’re struggling, frustrated, tired, can be a huge help. Make sure they are safe people who will bring a Christian perspective to your situation. If you fall, get right back up again and let someone know. Shed light on the darkness. Also, don’t get stuck in a cycle of sin. Falling can bring a lot of shame and guilt. Shame and guilt can breed hatred for ourselves. Hatred can lead to apathy – and apathy can lead to more acting out. Don’t live in the shame and guilt – Christ has set you free! So if you fall, don’t stay there in guilt. Confess it to the one who promised to forgive, and get right back up again. Embrace HIS grace for your life. A third thing is to know where your identity lies. It’s not in who you are attracted to, it’s not how many times you fall down, and it’s not in who other people label you to be. Your identity is in Christ, and you are a saint saved by grace. Walk in that identity and you’ll begin to see the struggle differently. It no longer has the power over you it once did. Finally, get plugged in to community with other believers, people who can walk with you, carry you when they need to, and listen. All these things I have found helpful, I hope they are for you as well.
February 5th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Hi, Im severely struggling with my thoughts. I don’t want to date
men or kiss them which i find both completely gross. but i am
continuing to have sexual thoughts about men. I am a very good
christian but my thoughts about these things continuously get in
the way of god and my life. if anyone can give me any advice that’d
be great.
February 9th, 2010 at 9:39 am
Hi Prov423, thanks for sharing this. When I’ve struggled with thoughts constantly berating my mind, I’ve had to think of taking those thoughts captive and releasing them to God. “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn is a great book to read for this issue. It doesn’t deal with homosexual temptation, but the same insights and tools can apply and be helpful to your struggle. Also, don’t live in shame or frustration. God’s grace is sufficient and He is not condemning you. So don’t beat yourself up.
March 13th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Um, im not sure whats going on, but i know i need help… from anyone.. something.. something.. My names christian, im 14, and i struggle with same-sex attraction.. i often give into sexual temptation.. and do a lot of things i shouldn’t do, ive struggled with this since i was 9. i hate it. i have tried to kill myself 9 times over it =\ but yet im still alive.. i guess what im asking is.. im not sure where i was suppose to ask this.. but can someone help me? i need someone who can help me thru this. be healed.. i need someone i can rely on.. at the moment.. i have a big problem with one of my friends.. i told him how i struggle, and he said he struggles too, i fell in love when he said that, but then he took it back, now i am extremely depressed, and suicidal.. can someone please help me? i have pushed him away, and now we don’t talk.. but i miss him, and feel like crap for doing that… please.. can anyone help me?! please ?!
March 18th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
I’ve found this site so helpful, and it’s really helped me understand my same sex attractions. But I really need help because I’m struggling so much over this girl at my school, I have a hard time controlling my desires for her. She has no idea how I feel about her, so I’m tempted to satisfy my Desires in a very subtle way, like putting my arm around her or being very physically close to her. I know how wrong and selfish my desires are, and I absolutely hate it, I just need some help getting through this rough time, AND controlling myself.
May 13th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I am a lesbian, and I’m also a christian. I know that everything
happens for a reason, but I refuse to give up my sexual preference.
I believe they make me who I am and that if I did it would be more
of an insult to God, because he made me this way. What I’m saying
is, am I wrong and did God make a mistake in creating me this way.
Or am I right, and is God as perfect as I believe him to be and
there nothing flawed my sexuality.
May 24th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
well… im confused because i was always straight had boyfriends
and was happy, but then there was this one girl who starting
talking to me and texting me. I dont know if it was just all the
attention i was getting from her that made me think i can do it and
before i knew it we became involved in a relationship. We tried to
keep it secret because i didnt want people to know but it got out.
Now it has ruined some of my closest frindships and i feel just
horrible. But when its just us two i fell everything is ok but i do
get these doubts frequently and i look at myself in disgust. I want
my life to go back to how it was before her but i cant get the
courage to end it all because she always is telling me how she
thinks about me all the time and that im the first person to ever
make her this happy. What do i do?? I love her as a friend and dont
want to cause any pain. I’ve alredy caused so many people hurt and
pain idk how much more i can take. I pray but never seem to get an
answer and im really in need for help…..
August 20th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
I also am not sure how to post questions, so I am just going to
take it from here. We are all either gay, lesbian, bisexual,
transgenders. We want to be with the same sex. We are attracted to
the same sex. And I don’t know about others, but I also want a
same-sex relationship someday. Will God forgive me? Is it evil to
get involved in a same-sex relationship if you know it’s wrong? Are
our same-sex attractions wrong or immoral or forgiveable?
August 24th, 2010 at 10:04 am
Nicole, I’m not sure what you mean by we are all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgenders. Not everyone who come to this site struggle with homosexuality. There are family members, friends, and church leaders that come here too. Many people who come here also do not want to be with the same sex. Just because they may have a temptation towards homosexuality doesn’t mean they want that. God is full of grace and full of truth. If you come to the Father with a repentant heart, confess sins, and believe His son died to reconcile you to the Father, then yes He will forgive you. But that doesn’t mean He will condone sinful behavior of any kind. If we deliberately do something we know is wrong, there are consequences for that. Why would we want to go against the Father? After all, He knows what is best for His creation. I know it’s hard to battle feelings that can be so intense. But, we must ultimately choose whether we will follow Christ or our own fleshly desires. I will tell you that when we step out in obedience to Christ there is grace and eventual freedom. Life is a journey and a process. Same-sex attractions are not “chooseable”. You didn’t choose to be attracted to the same-sex, nor did I. God also understands that. But, that doesn’t justify acting on them. If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. (1 John 1:9).