exodus youth

A 22-year-old guy recently sent an email to one of our staff asking this very question.  We thought it would be great to provide the answer in a post so that anyone dealing with this same or similar situation could read it.  I’ve asked permission from the student if I could use his question to preface the post.  He agreed, so here is the circumstance he’s facing:

I’ve recently transferred to a new college. One of my new friends here and I discussed becoming accountability partners about a week ago. It usually takes me a while to talk about this kind of stuff with people so I felt blessed it happened so quickly. But then we told each other exactly what was going on and it turns out that both of us struggle with SSA. After that, we both agreed that accountability obviously wouldn’t work between us and that sharing these kinds of deep struggles with each other won’t help matters, under the circumstances. We’ve both been committed to Christ and have never pursued any unhealthy relationships and don’t intend to, but I’m having trouble knowing exactly how I should handle our friendship from here on out. Since you work in ministry and work with others that likely deal with the same issues, what do you do to avoid conflict or temptation? The last thing I want to do is make a brother stumble. I have been praying for years for someone who could relate to what was going on in my own life. I know God had a hand in us meeting. But I’d like to respect my friend in his walk and at the same time honor God in our friendship. Thanks for any input.

I believe it is absolutely great, beneficial, and even needed to have friends who struggle with the same things you do.  There is a lot of healing in having someone be able to empathize with your pain, confusion, and struggles.  They can even provide great insight into what has worked for them in the past with their own journey.

But we must also be aware of our own vulnerabilities and brokenness.  Emotional dependency is an all too common theme among those who struggle with same-sex attraction.

When I was a freshman in college, only a few months after I decided to leave homosexuality, I befriended a guy who had no inclinations of struggling with the same issue.  I had a hunch, but he always denied it.  His dad left his family when he was only two, only to reappear sporadically throughout his life.  As someone with a “savior complex”, I felt it my duty to save him from his anger and help him heal.  Needless to say, our friendship quickly went down the road of emotional dependency, with sex being the dead end to it.

The destruction of what started out to be a good friendship was a wake up call.  I finally realized I struggled with emotional dependency and that I had a major “savior complex”.  Becoming aware of these vulnerabilities helped me set up boundaries with other guy friends and helped maintain healthy friendships.   Occasionally I would struggle, but I had other friends to talk through any emotional dependency that was developing.

The reality is, not all friends you have who struggle with same-sex attraction will be a hindrance.  One of my closest guy friends struggles with same-sex attraction and we have never had any issues.  So, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re accountability partner is tempted with the same things, don’t run away!  Know yourself, know your vulnerabilities, maintain boundaries in the relationship (time spent together, your communication, relational dynamics, etc), respect your friend and honor God with your friendship.

I’m not saying that all guys who are same-sex attracted struggle with emotional dependency.  That was one of my weaknesses.  But it is important to be constantly aware of your thought processes and boundaries with other people.  Just be self-aware and have Christ be the center of your friendship.  Eventually, maybe even now, you will need to branch off and begin to build friendships, seek support and accountability relationships with guys who never struggled with homosexuality.  That is a very key thing when healing from homosexuality.  There was so much growth in me when I ventured out from those who could empathize to those who couldn’t, but loved me regardless.  When I was as real and raw as I could be, my friends stuck by me and encouraged me when they could, and listened when they didn’t know what to say.

Those relationships were the ones where I found tremendous love and acceptance in a world of men I had feared and felt separated from for so long.  My deep, meaningful, and real relationships with other guys who never struggled with same-sex attraction truly propelled me into a season of tremendous growth, security in my masculinity, and change of perspective of those guys I once feared.