“I don’t expect this to go away. I’m here for you to help me control it.”
Written by: Chris Stump | November 12th, 2009**Article provided by Philip Lee of His Way Out Ministries.
The above quote reflects a statement I have been offered by many youth over the past several months. While I understand the statement and even on some level appreciate the sincerity and honesty, the statement also grieves me as it reflects the desperate crisis that we face with regard to youth struggling with and combating same-gender attraction. To compound the crisis, all of the youth are Christians, each having been raised in Church and reared in a Christian home. Once again, we find “the elephant” in the room that very, very few want to talk about.
When our path crosses with a struggling youth, we need to be open to partnering with the Lord to help turn the tide in his or her life. During adolescence most people determine the morals and personal identity they will embrace for the remainder of their life. Likewise, much confusion and challenges will take place before any semblance of clarity comes. This is all the more true for youth deciding their sexual identity. Studies have shown that vast numbers of youth entering adolescence are uncertain about their sexual orientation, but few exiting the teenage years remain ambiguous. Therefore, the teenage years are a crucial period for the Church of Jesus Christ to speak to youth tempted by homosexuality and educate each young person regarding the Truth of Scripture regarding the practice of homosexuality. Without a doubt, offering a right and true perspective will not only make a difference to a gay youth, it will distinguish Christians quite a bit from others he or she will encounter.
While it is true that the number of teens embracing homosexuality is alarming, that should not minimize nor dismiss the incredible opportunity we have to reach out to gay youth with the message of salvation and sexual redemption through the Lord Jesus Christ and most assuredly challenge the above quote with the Truth of Scripture.
Homosexuality is a symptom of a spiritual and relational problem. Therefore, simply stopping the behavior is not really getting to the root of what is making the person “feel different.” For the Christian trying to minister to a gay youth, consider asking these questions: Does the young person experience a lot of rejection by others? Is the teen uncomfortable with his gender? Does he spurn others of the same sex, refusing to hang out with anyone other than a gay friend? Is the youth afraid of meeting new people, attending social gatherings, etc.? Is she overly critical or fearful of men? Is the teen envious of certain characteristics others of the same-sex have that he does not? For many trying to reach or reason with a youth struggling with same-gender attraction, the question of “What if people think that I’m gay?” often surfaces. Three words – “Get over it!” Be concerned more with character rather than reputation.
As Christ-followers embracing the truth and totality of Scripture, don’t ever think we have to defend or apologize for what Scripture has clearly said about purity nor must we be enticed to debate or argue with the individual. Recognize it is not really a struggle between “us and them,” it is ultimately between them and the Word of God.
Today, a multitude struggling with various addictions, compulsive behaviors, and habits, are all asking the same question: How long will change take? For any individual, youth or adult struggling with homosexuality, the good news is that homosexual activity may stop as soon as the decision is made to no longer participate. But since homosexual feelings have become closely associated with the youth’s unmet needs, whether real or perceived for emotional intimacy, God most likely will not take away the feelings because He does not take away our needs – instead He helps us meet our needs. The underlying issues that fuel same-gender attraction take time to work through. Herein lies, I believe, why so many youth have become influenced and bought into the notion that even homosexual feelings and desires cannot be resolved. Hence, “I’m just here for you to help me control and manage it,” is often the expectation and attitude of the struggling young person.
It is imperative that we inspire faith in those to whom we minister. In my experience, the ones I have known who have successfully left homosexuality are those who have relinquished control of their lives to the Holy Spirit. Clearly, there is a level of surrender required to resolve any form of sexual and relational brokenness, including homosexuality that many are unwilling to offer. Only God can bring about the changes the youth desires.
While I have met and continue to meet with youth who are determined to resolve the issues of their sexuality, most feel too inadequate, lack motivation and do not have an individual structured in their life to help them through the process of healing and wholeness. Any Christian can emphasize to the hurting that there is hidden need within the heart of everyone that an intimate relationship with God can fill. Reaching gay youth is something we all can do and must do to help searching youth understand God’s abundant plans for their lives and to counteract the pro-gay agenda that desires to ruin all hope for the youth. No one is doomed to be gay, and we may be the only person that will have the courage to share the Good News with a youth struggling with same-gender attraction.
While it is easy enough to become cynical about the times in which we live, remember when God is put in the equation of life, a hope that does not disappoint rises with us. It is true that the number of teens embracing homosexuality has become alarming, but we should trust God and reach out to gay youth with the message of salvation and sexual redemption available through the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Christians did that for me.
“My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, “Four months more and then the harvest? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest” Jesus Christ.
25 Responses to ““I don’t expect this to go away. I’m here for you to help me control it.””
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November 22nd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I’ve been researching, meeting, and talking to people who struggle
with SSA for over four years. I’ve met over 200. I also struggle
with SSA myself. I never felt I fit in at Exodus because, as much
as I have looked at my childhood, I don’t see any “unmet needs”
that have contributed to my SSA. I grew up a happy, confident,
masculine child with very strong relationships to my father,
brother and male peers and no history of abuse. Is it not possible
that for some people, like myself, homosexuality might have more
biological factors than environmental ones, and the attitude of
simply controlling the behaviors is more realistic and more
obedient to Christ than expecting orientation change? To say that
homosexuality is a symptom of a spiritual or relational problem has
no Biblical evidence. Heterosexuality is just as broken as
homosexuality. Christopher Yuan recently wrote, and I agree with
him, that our affections were either supposed to be entirely for
ONE person (a spouse) or entirely for God (if we were meant for
singleness). No one would tell a heterosexual that his attractions
towards women who aren’t his wife will ever fade. Instead, we just
tell him how to control those desires. Why should we say anything
different to those who struggle with homosexuality? Treating us
differently than heterosexual peers — when there really is no
Biblical basis for it — is something that can lead to the sense of
isolation and “otherness” that you’re warning against. Pretty much
all of the people I know who struggle with SSA — young or old,
married or not — eventually just admit that they have modified
their behaviors. And that’s not a bad thing! That’s what the
Christian life is. God gives us a new heart. Our fallen flesh has
all the same temptations as before, but we are given hearts that
can respond to those temptations in humble obedience. None of the
people I know have converted to heterosexuality. They may behave
heterosexually with their wives or husbands (and truly and
intimately love their wives or husbands) but they are still SSA
towards everyone else. I think that’s a very healthy thing to
admit. I have never met anyone who claimed to go from homosexuality
to heterosexuality. In fact, most of the people I know who did fall
away back into a gay lifestyle after being involved in Exodus
blamed the fact that Exodus held up orientation change as the goal,
instead of simply help when it came to controlling the desires.
Maybe it’s important that those of us who really want to help those
who struggle listen to those who struggled and failed, and see what
we can do to prevent such things from happening again.
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hi Tealandbluejay. I think what you have to say is valid and an accurate portrayal of the struggle. Exodus doesn’t uphold heterosexual feelings to be the end all, be all. We actually talk about confronting homosexual attractions as any other type of sin, and do teach that homosexual feelings may never go away. We don’t promote heterosexuality, but holiness. We always say the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality – it’s holiness. People do, however, experience an orientation shift while walking obediently in Christ. Some people experience more of an orientation shift than others, and that’s ok. The journey is to become more dependent, obedient, and in love with Christ. Heterosexual feelings may emerge, they may not. We want people to know that heterosexuality doesn’t define success for the individual dealing with SSA. Thanks for your thoughts.
November 28th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
This article is so inspiring and full of truth. And I can honestly
say that the transformation that God has led me through has been
absolutely beautiful. I was in a year long lesbian relationship
from 16-17 and I wanted to get married to the girl I was with. We
were very sexually active and I was convinced it was the life for
me. After she broke up with me, I realized (through tons and tons
of pain) that what I really needed was a relationship with God. So
I sought Him in any way I could, online, in books, through various
churches, and that’s how I found exodus. Articles like this have
clarified so much for me in the “struggle” and convinced me that
I’m not alone. Although sometimes I feel alone, when I compare my
experience to my peers’ experience, I know that if I hadn’t
struggled with this, I’d have struggled with something else. Once I
began to bring the relational and emotional needs to God, through
the help of a VERY understanding same sex counselor, the same sex
attractions went away almost instantly. One of the first things my
counselor said to me was, “Lesbianism is not the root problem.
We’re going to look at the root problem. What have you been
believing about God? What have your relationships with men and
women looked like until now?” In time so much has been clarified
for me and I have only God to thank. The enemy was obviously trying
to rob me of the fullness of my female sexuality. Now, I love being
a woman. It’s almost.. strange. I can dance with men, cook and
clean, and I get excited about shopping. I know all that sounds
superficial, but these are the little things I would’ve GREATLY
struggled with before I came to know the Lord. There was just this
block there: the enemy convinced me I was somehow “less than”
female. My heart was hardened with lies, there was no tenderness
there. The same sex attractions were obviously fueled by these
lies, as every sin is just a way to try to meet LEGITIMATE needs in
ways INDEPENDENT of God. The wounds from my past are there, but
once I made the decision to actively reject the messages that go
along with them, the sexual temptations became more and more
unappealing. This whole change has been from the inside out. God
has worked through PEOPLE in my life, even those who don’t know a
thing about my past. I have always said that you shouldn’t ask God
to Take Away your same sex attractions, but ask Him to
show you why you have those same sex attractions. I believe
in time he will show you why this has been your struggle. Jesus
came to set us free! I believe as God reveals the lies that go
along with your same sex attractions, reveals the truth that you
choose to believe, you will grow even more into the role Christ has
for you and your SSA will fade away.
November 29th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
thats weird cuz i have always had the exact opposite view as
“College Jays” on Exodus’s goal for ssa. and that has always
dissapointed me. ssa gets in the way of my friendships along with
relationships and its the hardest thing that i have experienced.i
dont want to control it, i want it to go away. and i’ve come to the
realization that it may never go away. and it probably wont. which
is so hard for me. it takes away my vision and hope.Like the title
of this article says, ” I don’t expect this to go away. I’m here
for you to help me control it”. Not only is this Exodus’s ministry
to homosexuals, but i feel like its everyone else around me as
well. My mother is trying so hard to let me know that she accepts
me the way i am by saying its ok if the ssa dont go away, but is it
really?? it may be ok for them but is it ok for me??
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Chris – I can’t make your answer to College Jay match your article.
In the response to CJ, you say he accurately describes the issue
but in your article, you say
and then
You are saying here that homosexuality will change
when a person achieves “a level of surrender required to resolve”
homosexuality. Brother, what level is that? Are we to assume that
those who are still attracted to the same sex were not willing to
surrender to whatever level that is? I was actually encouraged by
seeing the title of this article because I thought perhaps here was
an article which recognized a realistic picture. However, I cannot
reconcile what you have written with my research findings or the
experience of the many men and women I know. Also, I do not see in
Christian theology a promise of linkage between holiness and
absence of desire. I recognize that you have a different experience
but it was jarring to see you seem to agree with Cjay when he was
presenting something very different than you had.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
Juan, I know how you feel. I battled with feeling hopeless and desperate just knowing that this may be my struggle for the rest of my life. But, I’ve learned to not allow my attractions to define me. I see them as simply temptation. We will all struggle with temptation for the rest of our lives. Christ never promised an easy life. But, I don’t allow the same-sex attraction to control how I feel about myself, how I interact with others, or how I define myself. I’ve realized I struggle with the same things other men who are heterosexual struggle with – it’s just manifested in different ways. Have I experienced an orientation shift? Absolutely. And the same-sex temptations are not as frequent or strong as they used to be. Walking with the Lord, and having my underlying needs met in a healthy way has offered tremendous growth and the weakening of these attractions. At least for me, in the early years of my healing, it did feel like I had to constantly control these attractions. But now, it’s not like that, because they aren’t a constant part of my daily walk. Juan I just want to encourage you by saying it’s true you may struggle with SSA for a long time, but you will struggle with temptation for the rest of your life. We are human and broken people. But don’t allow those temptations to define you. You are so much more than your struggle.
December 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 pm
I agree with much of what Chris said. I’ve seen many people who
deal with SSA stop serving the Lord because of their unrealistic
expectations. They expected God to take away their Flesh/Sin
Nature…But God doesn’t do that this side of eternity for anyone.
When i stopped expecting God to move in my life in a certain way
and focused more on becoming a disciple, I was able to feel much
more fulfilled. Life wasn’t perfect and temptations were present
but that all became secondary to knowing Him. I made up my mind to
serve him (with His help of course) regardless of how much He
changed that area of my life. It took the pressure off of me to
feel a certain way in a certain amount of time. It freed me up to
love Him as I was meant to & allowed me to be honest with God,
myself & others. So don’t become disillusioned by “what you
should be feeling but are not”. I find that that is a little game
that Satan likes to play with us to misjudge God’s character. I
dont know why God allowed me to develop SSA, but here is how i’ve
come to view it: If that’s the only way this hard-hearted person
would bend his knee to Jesus Christ, I’m really glad He allowed it.
It introduced me to my Father. I’d rather go through this life with
some brokeness & humility with my destination as heaven than
independent, seemingly whole, & hell-bound. God is amazingly
good & always has HIS best in mind for you.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Warren, thank you for your comment. I understand where there may be confusion. I should have clarified what I meant when I said I agreed with CollegeJay’s statement. I will do so here. First off, I did not write this article. Phillip Lee is the author. I agree with SOME of the things College Jay said about the struggle. It is important to have realistic expectations as College Jay mentions. The goal is never heterosexuality. We acknowledge that there are people who never experience any orientation shift. Our identity can’t be defined by whether or not we become straight. That isn’t the goal. Pursuing Christ and His holiness is the goal, for everyone, really. Expect Christ to meet your needs and fulfill you, not orientation change. We do have to control our desires and resist temptation of our carnal flesh. Handling homosexual temptation is the same as handling heterosexual temptation – I mean it is all brokenness, just manifested in different ways. I also agree with his idea of modifying our behavior. When we choose to walk away from a homosexual identity, there is behavior modification. We are modifying our behavior by resisting temptation.
I also don’t believe this article claims holiness will bring an absence of desire, because that simply isn’t the case. Holiness brings an identity shift, one in which we are no longer defined by our sexuality but by Christ. We will still battle this flesh until Christ comes or we go to be with the Lord. I don’t believe Phillip is equating holiness to absence of desire here.
December 4th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Chris: We will have to agree to disagree about the meaning of this:
What about those who have relinquished control of
their lives to the Holy Spirit and have not changed? Inasmuch as
any of us are able to do that, the next sentence sounds like there
is a holiness – change link. A level of surrender that many are
unwilling to offer implies that being willing to offer that level
of surrender (whatever it is) will “resolve” homosexuality. To be
fair the resolution or leaving of homosexuality may mean behavioral
suppression but this is not clear to me from the article. And the
reason I doubt it is what Phillip means is because the article
argues against the sentiment expressed by the title of the article
(I don’t expect this to go away, help me control it).
December 5th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Dr. Throckmorton has an interesting view, that empiricism has the
means to trump the promise and work of the Holy Spirit. If one has
never found wrong desires crucified in Christ by God’s Spirit then
I would urge one to spend time before the face of God and seek it.
He has either made the way for us to know life and reject death,
and I know these desires are death, or this whole Christian
endeavor is a great hoax. I don’t mean to be brash but the Promise
and the Call and the empowerment of the Spirit is clear. Faith,
hope and love for God are what we live by, not any settled studies
of SSA’d participants. If the hope one holds for release from these
things must be qualified and lessened by the experience of others,
no matter how”objectively” studied or one’s own experience then God
help us. And yet He has and will. Brother,and I speak to Dr.
Throckmortion, as a scientist what level and multiplicity of
studies do you hold to that would prove God wrong. I think a good
long read in the book of Job and topped off with Matthew 19:26 may
be a corrective to giving up.
December 5th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I do not know much about Exodus and am new to this online world for
SSA. But all of this dialog has really confused me now and I want
to get a few things straight: I do believe my SSA will never go
away. Acceptance (1) has to be some type of step?
Next, why God has given me this SSA. What was the cause
(2)? I like what eac12890 said with this.
Ask God and He will reveal it to you. I think my parents divorce
before I was a year old and me living with my mother most of time,
seeing her date other men growing up might be the cause of it. But
I’m thinking everyone’s different and the causes for SSA are unique
to the individual (College Jay’s case for example). Next, how to
deal with SSA (3)? I’m completely drawing a blank
here. I’m reading ‘treat it like any other temptation,’ ‘eventually
it will start to fade away’ (not at the age of 20, that’s for
sure). Lastly and most important, what is God
trying to show me through this lifelong struggle
(4)? I’m coming up with: complete and utter
dependence on Him so far. Anyone else have ideas in their
experience? I have looked at my SSA as a curse or punishment for my
parents’ divorce. It’s really difficult to view it as something
beneficial.. But God never makes a mistake, so it has to be for
some purpose that has not yet been revealed to me. —
Nevertheless, I believe these are the stages someone goes through
in dealing with homosexuality.
December 7th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Warren, we will have to respectfully disagree. Although I must point out that I believe if someone relinquishes their life to the Holy Spirit they do experience change. God is a transforming God and doesn’t leave anyone where they are, but pushes them forward and reshapes them into His likeness through the workings of the Holy Spirit. The attraction may continue to remain strong, but that doesn’t mean someone hasn’t changed. The presence or non-presence of same-sex attraction does not define change in a person.
December 8th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Just to add my thoughts to this. I’ve been on the journey for about
4/5 months now and its still really difficult. I’m not getting a
lot of support from my chruch, or family for that matter, and that
only compounds the problem. Still, God has been showing me some
things that i think might help some people here, especially
Chrisgray. Chrisgray, NEVER consider your SSA as a curse or
punishment for your parents divorce. God strictly forbid the Hebrew
children from punishing the children for the parents sin. I don’t
think hes going to be that unfair. It’s sure not beneficial either.
SSA is not something God gave you. This is the way i think of it. I was born into a broken
family. My parents weren’t married and they split up not long after
i was born. I lived with my immoral father for 6 years and then
went to live with my mum and her husband. My step-father was real
nice right up until after the adoption process was finished (he
adopted me and my 2 sisters), then things changed. At about the age
of 9 i was left with no positive male influences in my life. I was
never allowed to play with other guys, and so constanly playing
with my two sisters allowed me to develop female characteristics.
In school i got picked on, because i was never allowed to do
sporting activities. In church, everything was ultra-strict, and i
never developed any relationship with any of the other members. We
left when i was 11 and joined a strict ’sect’. I’m in college right
now so i need to finish this quick. Basically, certain aspects of
my upbringing left a gap in my heart. It read ‘male affirmation’.
Because it wasn’t filled, i sub-consciously wanted to fill it. With
the onset of puberty, i began to mix-up my need for same sex
contact with sexual desires. This allowed me to think that i was
gay. And for a long time i actively pursued things like gay
pornography etc. So basically the door to homosexuality was left
open. Satan’s been around for a long time mate and he knows every
trick in the book to make you walk through that door. Does knowing
this make the struggle any easier. Maybe not, but at least it give
me a base reference point. It’s important for you to recognize
this. I really got to shoot, classes start in 5 mins. Hopefully
this quick word will help somebody. You’re right about dealing with
homosexuality in stages. Stage number 1 has got to be recognizing
that God did not create you this way, and even though you struggle
with it, he still loves you enough to die. Keep holding on bro, God
didn’t say it would be easy, just that it would be worth it!!
December 10th, 2009 at 2:39 am
The only thing I can add regarding expectations for healing is just
to ask God why you have the temptations you do. Ask him WHY you are
still struggling. Don’t expect an easy answer. Be willing to delve
into old emotional wounds and deny the lies that you have been
believing about yourself for such a long time that they have become
tapes playing in your head. I believe God has the power to cause a
shift in orientation because His word can revolutionize anyone’s
idea of gender roles. It’s not about conforming to the world’s
ideas of male and female and right and wrong but relying on God’s
truth for every area of your life. I think the bit about surrender
is basically saying you have to give your whole life to God,
not just the part you want him to change. There is no easy formula
to a transformed life. Jesus came to fill needs, and to show us the
truth about ourselves. Don’t think of yourself as a patient with
SSA as your disease. Think of yourself as a person and SSA is just
a symptom of the “disease” we all have. The disease is sin…we are
all born into it. But as we are transformed into the likeness of
Christ our sin has less and less of a hold on us, because we are
affirming our identity in Christ. One of the first things I did in
my healing process was I literally made 2 lists. One was “why I
feel attracted to females” and the other was “why I don’t feel
attracted to males”. I know most of us probably cannot pinpoint the
“reasons” or put them into words, but as I began to pray and ask
for God to show me what has led me to this point, I found both
lists filling up. Don’t be afraid to be completely honest with
yourself first. Write it all out, talk to God. Tell him all the
physical urges you have and continue to ask Him to lead you to
freedom.
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Young people. All of us believers will struggle. The only way to
get through is to hang on to Jesus Christ, who is our Lord and
Savior. Daily, repent and ask the Lord to give you today his
portion. To meet you right where you are at – no matter the
struggle, the temptation or the issue in your life. No matter if we
have same sex attraction, issues with porn, sexual addiction, lust
…these are all tactics of the enemy who comes to steal, kill and
destroy. Ask the Lord for his grace daily, put your flesh on the
cross (crucify it!) by fasting and praying about what you want the
Lord to help you with. You will see the difference in your life.
God can change murders, drug dealers and addicts – why do you think
he cannot change you for having SSA? Don’t be conformed to the
things of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. This means don’t follow society’s label of your attraction
and pressured to be “gay” but recognize that the Lord made you in
his image, however, the enemy “twists” or “perverts what God makes.
Don’t fall into the LIE, remember that you may have been molested
or perhaps fell into a psychological trap or open door of some type
(read Franks testimony). Renew your mind by reading the word of God
which will be your sword to fight against the enemy. Learn
scripture to help you fight these temptations like any one else
struggling. Remember “greater is He (who is Jesus Christ) than he
who is in the world (satan)”, also, “you (I) have the mind of
Christ” , and “you (I) can do All things through Christ who
strengthens me (us)”. “All things are possible through Christ!”
Give your entire LIFE (mind, body and soul) to the Lord. Fight the
good fight of Faith.
July 12th, 2010 at 1:09 am
After struggling with this for several years, it’s very difficult
for me to genuinely believe it will completely go away. However,
then again its only been a few months since I’ve realized the
sinfulness of homosexuality, and had a sincere desire to actually
change. I know that it is difficult to believe in change, but
that’s why we must never lose faith. In fact, I believe I have a
lot of growing in my faith to go, before God can actually respond
with any type of change. “Without faith it is impossible to please
God” and this is why we are even saved by “faith” in Jesus.
Therefore, we should never doubt in the power of God, but instead
maintaing and grow in faith to see what God wants us to see, and
become who He wants us to become. We shouldn’t base anything on our
feelings since as humans, we are all sinful. Not only do I desire
to believe complete change is possible, but it is in fact what we
should all believe according to scripture since “what is impossible
for man, is possible with God.” This means we should leave no room
for doubt in God’s power, even though God’s timing can be very
different from our desired timing. In spite of this, His timing is
perfect; and fortunately out of His love, it is in our best
interest even when we don’t see it. So we should never stop
trusting because of God’s speed in His response. On the other hand,
I will be the first to say that it’s not easy one bit. I really try
to hold on to God’s word, but there are times I just feel defeated.
The worst part for me is that the devil can sometimes even twist
brotherly love with close friends, and turn it into something that
seems like romantic love…This is a very serious issue for me,
since it seems like an even greater sin. Dealing with physical
attraction is already bad enough, how can I avoid feeling other
feelings towards my own brothers in Christ? I really think that
having SSA is for a greater purpose for the redemption of the lost
who have this same issue, but I am tormented when it interferes
with my fellowship, or even trying to minister to others.
July 13th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
I don’t know who to turn to. It seems easier just to let everything
go and just accept it. But then at the same time i don’t want to
because i want to be with god. I cant help thinking, what if i die
today, will i have the same chance as anyone else to go to heaven?
Or am i condemned for the rest of my life. Last night i had this
dream where i was in the middle of exchanging vows at my wedding.
When it was my turn to say the big ”i do”, i froze. I no longer
wanted to get married because i felt that i could never love her,
nor any girl. My biggest fear is growing up with these (SSA), and
because of them never have a normal life. When i was 13 i looked up
gay porn for the first time. The images are still stuck in my head
and they’ll probably never go away. I was just curious, i mean i
didn’t really think i would eventually learn to like it. I don’t
think i was born gay, i liked girls since i was in first grade. But
now since the porn, i don’t like them sexually. Its like I switched
the two in my head. I want to fall in love with a girl, but i don’t
want to have sex with her. I think about having sex with a guy but
i don’t want to have a relationship with them. The worst part about
that is, some of those guys are my friends. I have all the signs of
being gay. I hang out with mostly girls because i feel more
comfortable around them, more “normal”. The Other sign is that i
have (SSA) My first excuse for looking up porn was because i was
insecure and i wanted to compare my self with other guys. Then
after getting addicted to it, it seemed like one more time didn’t
matter, that I was stuck like this anyway. My excuse not to look it
up now, is because ill just end up feeling empty. I don’t know if
I’m really classified as gay or not, so i don’t know where to look
for answers. All the ones Ive gotten say that ill be stuck like
this for the rest of my life. Even my friends notice im depressed
most of the time and some of them actually ask me if im gay or not.
I hate this! I hate when they ask me that, they don’t know what I’m
going through. They think that being gay is so simple. That if you
are, to just come out and admit it. Then what happens after you do,
nothing changes. All the scriptures about homosexuality in the
bible, just tell you not to do it. God doesn’t tell you how to deal
with it. If it were so simple as the bible puts it, why am i
writing this? I get so mad at god, that i don’t who else to turn
to. It God wont provide a way out, whats the point in trying? I get
so angry with the way the church sees homosexuals. My church thinks
its so simple that they don’t even bring it up. If they do, all
they say is that its wrong. Ive only told two people about this
problem. It helped a lot knowing that i had a friend that i could
trust and wouldn’t judge me. Its not “okay to be gay”, that’s not
what i want to hear from people. I never wanted to be this way, but
i don’t have a choice anymore. I find that i have a better chance
of going to heaven living with this problem, then ending my life.
Ive thought about suicide, but the truth is i fear God. If anyone
has a similar situation please write back, i can help but feel
alone.
July 20th, 2010 at 10:11 am
Lobo123,
I know where you are. I have been there before. I always feared I wouldn’t be able to have a normal life or be able to find a woman to settle down with. I felt hopeless, tired, and ready to quit fighting. God is with you in your pain. He doesn’t condemn you. Don’t run away from Him. Go to Him with all your questions, fears, and doubts. The Bible doesn’t specifically address how to heal from homosexuality, but it does tell us what to do with our lives and all temptations regardless their manifestation. We are to die to ourselves everyday and follow Christ. If we keep our eyes on Christ, and not our sin, we will find freedom. Pursue holiness, pursue Christ with all your might and see what happens. Open yourself to the healing HE wants to do in your life. Our Executive VP recently wrote a blog post on the issue of being single. Check it out. It’s really great. Here it is: .
Dealing with homosexuality is not a simple thing. I’ve been on this journey for 7 years, and let me tell you, there’s nothing simple about dealing with ANY struggle we have. I went to counseling for a couple years to uncover my own woundedness, hurts, and brokenness. It was a process of healing and restoration before I was able to really experience tremendous freedom. I often parallel my journey to a mountain hike. The journey is arduous, sometimes tiring. But the beauty you see at the top is amazing. You can’t see or have the perspective at the bottom of your mountain that you can at the top. You may be at the bottom of your mountain, or somewhere along the “hike”. But don’t lose faith or hope. There is beauty insight, one in which you never could have guessed was there. I’m nowhere near my mountain top, but along the way I have seen so many beautiful “vistas”. The beauty I’ve experienced thus far is pushing me onwards in anticipation of the final glory God will reveal.
God walks beside you, behind you, and in front of you. He is with you where you are right now. I would encourage you to keep going up your mountain. Beautiful vistas, and tremendous freedom await. I hope this is helpful and encouraging. You are not alone. Blessings brother on this journey!
July 31st, 2010 at 1:37 am
Hey Chris, thanks for that. It really helps to know that im not
alone. I haven’t told anyone about this except one of my friends
who is dealing with something else. I dont know whats my next step.
Im only 15 and i have to sneak around my family just to be able to
find help. Is there anyway that i can get help without having to
tell them. I just need someone to talk to about this cause im new
to all this. thanks
August 2nd, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Hi Lobo,
You can go to livehope.org. The have online support community and forum for people struggling with this issue. It’s a great resource. So check that out.
August 2nd, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I was always
straight never had a homosexual thought in my mind loved women. I started to work with a co worker who was
strongly involved with the life style me not being the warrior for God i fell into the trap and let his spirit rub off on me and make me think
about it. I started to watch porn. I had
allowed that poison to root in me and I did it for 2 years and
couldn’t stop until one day I was watching it and some one hacked into
my cpu and saw what I was looking at and basically exposed me i was
so ashamed I was never feminine so no one ever knew i struggled with
that i always liked women,but also the attraction for men kept
growing stronger as I kept looking at the porn. until one day i just
called on god and asked him to heal me I kept crying out and then i
started to read my bible. god lead me to a website called coming
out to god.org and the woman on their helped people that struggled
with that. I’ll never forget she said ” the problem with people that
still have the attractions and want them away is that they’re not
letting go” what do i mean by that? you must be willing to let go
of anything that has to deal with that lifestyle so God can start
the healing process. I mean friends, magazines, tv shows even friends
on myspace and facebook. I’m not saying put a cross up to a gay
person every time u see them. What I’m saying is that some people you
must just say hi and bye to them and love people from a distance.
When you truly do this God can take the attractions away. I am
a living testimony! I’m not saying that I’m fully straight, but God
is still doing a work in me so I can eventually become what he meant
for me to be. Homosexuality is like a weed if you don’t give your
flowers water and nourishment and pluck the hidden weeds that try to
sprout then weeds will grow in your garden! If you don’t attend
church often, stay in God’s word and stay away from anything that has
to do with that lifestyle as much as possible the spirit will try
to come back u cant let him! God gave me back the yearning for not
just a woman but for him and a relationship for him. You must be a
warrior fight this battle don’t give up God already gave you the
power. Yeah, you might feel weak and tempted at times just like in a
war you might have some rough times where you want to retreat but don’t!
keep strong if you read the bible and pray for others and attend
church God will heal you. I am living proof he is healing me!
September 20th, 2010 at 2:16 am
benbrad, good thoughts “Homosexuality is like a weed if you don’t
give your flowers water and nourishment and pluck the hidden weeds
that try to sprout then weeds will grow in your garden!” this
reminds me of the principle from this verse 1 Corinthians 5:6, 7
Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven
leavens the whole lump of dough? Clean out the old leaven so that
you may be a new lump, just as you are in fact unleavened. For
Christ our Passover also has been sacrificed. ‘leaven’ is an
analogy for sin, ‘unleavened’ analogy for being pure or holy. Jesus
Christ is called our ‘passover’ meaning our atonement(blots out and
covers) or sin, so we are pardoned. Judgment passes over us. To
overcome any sin that has a grip on our heart and mind, we have to
totally abandon ourself in God and His love. It is so important to
know, God loves you. our mind, body, thoughts, feelings, identity,
sexuality, everything we must let go of, giving it over to God.
Trusting Him with it, humbly admitting to Him our weakness and our
need for Him, asking Him to help us. Romans 12:1, 2 Therefore I
urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a
living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your
spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this
world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you
may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and
acceptable and perfect.
September 23rd, 2010 at 10:25 pm
POST 1: I have struggled with SSA since I
was five. When i finally saw them for what they were i was
horrified. I wasnt feminine & liked women but lusted after men.
i fell into porn. one side of my brain tried to break away, but the
other portion looked on. for a long time it was my deep dark
secret. almost a year ago, i told my parents. they are strong
christians, as am i. They were very loving and said they’d get me
all the help i needed, though i didnt take them up on counseling.
September 23rd, 2010 at 10:38 pm
Post 2. i stopped porn and replaced it with exodus. i still
struggle, but am doing better. For some reason, i still feel alone
and get depressed. I think what I really need is a big brother
figure. Im an only child, and my dad is great, but I dnt see him
like much of a role model for some reason. maybe i should get a
younger(mid 20s), same sex counselor? it sounds weird, a 15 year
old guy wantin a brother, but thats how it is.
September 23rd, 2010 at 11:06 pm
POST3 I have hit a plateau in my battle. my hated issue has not
gotten worse or better for a long time. Prayers and advice would be
much appreciated. For all those in the same situation: I was going
to kill myself before i confessed. Tell someone you love and trust
so they can support you. You can get through this like i know i
can. Give it to god. he loves you so much. dont even think about
suicide… its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i see
that now