exodus youth

With so much misinformation in the media today about homosexuality, it’s no wonder that those seeking to leave homosexuality are faced with so much misunderstanding. A popular theory in pop culture today seems to be that a person with same gender attractions would naturally accept and live happily with their sexuality was it not for bigoted, narrow-minded homophobes who constantly make life impossible for gay men and women. That if only society would cease being so intolerant, everyone would be at peace with whatever sexuality they developed and just live without giving it any thought…like someone being left handed or preferring green over blue.

But as we know, sexuality is complicated and trying to reduce it to a neat sound bite only leaves us with more questions than answers. In actuality, the truth lies more to the middle, which should come as no surprise. It’s true that homophobia is alive and well today; groups like the Westborough Baptist church aren’t making the load easier for anybody. I imagine that there are scores of men and women living scared and lonely lives for fear of being rejected by their friends and family. But the opposite is also true, there are scores of men and women who once accepted homosexuality and have since left that behind…for reasons having nothing to do with fear of rejection.

In fact quite the opposite. Many of the people I’ve met over the years used to be openly gay, some were gay activists, and others lived with their partners for years. If they were seeking acceptance surely becoming “ex-gay” (as some have labeled us) was not the way. Those of us who have walked out of homosexuality face a double rejection as many even in the church as well as in the secular and pro-gay world question the validity of our change. So why change?

For one, many find homosexuality incompatible with their faith. Most religious texts make clear that homosexuality is a sin. It is true that many who pursue change are primarily motivated by their faith wishing to bring their whole lives (finances, sexuality, and morality) in line with their faith. This is a perfectly valid reason to leave homosexuality. People’s faith is an integral part of their identity defining for some even what they eat (but no one criticizes the Jewish community for keeping kosher.)

For others, their feelings did not line up with what professionals in the mental health community call a self schema. Everyone has a self schema; it is an outlook through which we see ourselves and the world. It is closely tied to our self image and self esteem. I for one struggled very much as the world kept telling me that I was gay when all along I didn’t believe I was. This wasn’t denial, this was conflict. My sexuality did not match with who I believed I was as a person or who I wanted to be. Like a piece of the puzzle that did not fit, my sexuality did not fit into the view I had for my life. I had to make a decision.

Was I going to live according to my values and who I believed myself to be? Or was I going to live only according to certain sexual feelings?

I have met other still who embraced their homosexuality and lived within that identity for decades. Their stories differ on certain aspects, some had long term relationships, some were promiscuous and unsafe yet all found their lifestyle left them empty. They simply didn’t know they had a choice – but once they found out freedom was possible they took the way out.

You would be surprised however that there are others… some famous who leave homosexuality for no other reason than their tastes have changed. In America we are familiar with Anne Hesche who had a highly publicized affair with Ellen DeGeneres, yet now is exclusively heterosexual in relationships with only men. Yet there are others still who have changed that are lesser publicized. Stephen Daldry for example, who directed Billy Elliot and The Hours was long known to be a homosexual until he fell in love with a woman, married and settled down.

Jackie Clune as well, a comedienne of British fame lived as a lesbian for upwards of 12 years until she, herself changed too. Writing in the British newspaper The Guardian, Clune writes “…after a particularly painful and drawn-out break up, I decided that for me being a lesbian wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My relationships had all taken the same pattern – idyllic start, passionate intensity, massive conflict, slow merging of identities, rebellion, more conflict, couple therapy…In many ways this is all standard-issue break up stuff, straight or gay; but I couldn’t help feeling my answer lay back on the other side. I longed for my own mind back…” (June 14th, 2003)

It’s sad but true that Homophobia makes life impossible for some gays. But when we choose to change, it’s not because of “internalized homophobia” as some have accused. We come from diverse paths and are all pursuing the best for our lives. Regardless of the reason, whether propelled by our faith or our belief that there could lie something beyond the gay identity… the fact still remains that the common uniting factor in our lives is that we all are trying to live our lives the best way we see fit.