I love my friend…
Written by: Yvette Schneider | November 3rd, 2008
I had a friend in high-school who was my first best-friend. We spent all of our free time together. For the first time in my life, I felt loved and accepted for who I was. This was an exciting time for me. I grew close to this friend and to her family. There were times soon after my parents’ divorce that I didn’t go home for days, spending more and more time at my friend’s house. We were not in a lesbian relationship, but when my mom asked me if my friend and I were homosexually involved, I had to admit to myself that I wished we were. If we were a “couple,” then she would never leave me and I would always feel the thrill of having someone truly care about me and value me as a person.
My friend and I may not have had a lesbian relationship, but we had an emotionally dependent relationship that was unhealthy and stifling. It left no room for any other friendships. We depended on each other to the point that we became possessive and jealous if anyone else tried to join our exclusive group of two. The nature of our friendship became a pattern of idolatry – nothing in our lives mattered more than each other. When eventually something did matter more than our friendship, namely my college education, our friendship disintegrated into a pile of hurt feelings that led to petty acts of revenge.
Friendships are beautiful when they are meant for the uplifting and edification of each other. When we want what is best for the other person and are not just trying to get our own emotional needs met, then we are truly a friend. But often, we aren’t looking out for the best interests of our friend, we are looking to get from them whatever is lacking in our own lives. We want the other person to be there for us no matter what. But what if someone else comes along who wants to form a friendship with our friend and spend time with her. How do we respond? Are we generous and giving? Are we willing to spend less time with our friend so she can pursue her dreams and have more well-rounded and healthy relationships instead of focusing on just one, which can be stifling?
I have no doubt that you love your friend. I love my sister and consider her to be one of my best friends, but that doesn’t mean that we’re lesbians. Gay activists have tried to say that Ruth and Naomi in the Bible were lesbians because Ruth was dedicated to her mother-in-law and wanted to accompany her back to Judah. But there is nothing in the Bible to suggest that Ruth’s love for Naomi was sexual, and there is nothing to suggest that a deep friendship that includes self-giving and sacrifice for the sake of your friend’s well-being is the result of homosexual feelings.
God intended for us to have friendships to support one another and see each other become the people that God intended us to be. This goes wrong when we sexualize our feelings for our friends, when we expect them to meet our every need or when we attempt to meet their every need. As a community of believers and the body of Christ, we are to freely give our friendship to a variety of people and accept the friendship of others in the same way. When a friendship becomes exclusive and limiting, it can no longer be called “friendship,” no matter how you “feel” about your friend. In the end, this type of “friendship” is nothing more than bondage.
Resources
You might want to check out one of these resources about emotional dependency – they explain the problem, help you see if this is a problem in your life, and provide practical advice on getting out.
19 Responses to “I love my friend…”
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November 6th, 2008 at 12:18 am
I once had this same feeling, yet it was in middle school. This article has helped me overcome some of the tribulations i have faced, and ironically i sat there reading it as role play of what my friendship did. I love how God works through people, and connects us to situations, and tribulations.
Thanks for Sharing.
j Gos
November 24th, 2008 at 1:02 am
So hey, I’m a guy and have been struggling with some of my brotherly love friendships for a long time. I haven’t told any of them that I am gay, but want to have accountability relationships with them. I want to become deeper and better friends with some of these guys, but my stupid thoughts -emotionally and sexually- get in the way. I guess I don’t know how to have a deep, close, Godly relationship with another guy without my thoughts veering towards sexual sin. I want to love them in a Godly way, but I can’t shake my old habits. I guess what I am trying to say is, how do you become deep friends without becoming "a couple"?
December 20th, 2008 at 1:57 am
this is a good q.. i am a girl struggling with this also. i think it is important to have accountability with those older and more mature and with those we are not attracted to…. bc if you are accountable to the person you are struggling with (or have the potential of), it generally doesn’t work so well.. just links you more emotionally and is harder to break….. it is a very good question. God does want us to have those accountability relationships but we need to be careful….. i want close relationships too, but atleast personally i need to be careful how close i allow myself to become emotionally with girls because i struggle with this…. idk it is hard!!!! what is good to have is a small group of trusted friends or a little older disciplers so that it is not limited to a single person that you are being dependent on… ihave found the group to be incredibly helpful
December 20th, 2008 at 1:58 am
way to be searching this out though. keep seeking the Lord, and seeking his will and what will be most pleasing to him, jer 23:19 if you seek him you will find him, and brother i am seeking him with you
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:25 am
Question:
I have been in an emotionally dependent relationship with a close friend whom I am secretly sexually attracted to. I have become manipulative and controlling and all trust has been eroded from our relationship.Two months ago, he broke the friendship off–"released me." Since then, I have matured and have received much healing in therapy for my underlying issues. He is a fellow Christian and I see him every week at church. I always wanted to tell him the truth about me (that I struggle with Homosexuality and that I had an attraction to him) but my pride and shame always got in the way. Instead of sharing the truth of my pain and struggle, I opted to share the underlying issues of my SSA with him, which only made me want "more." Now, we are no longer on speaking terms, and this break-off has been incredibly painful for me. I believe that if I could have been truthful with him I could have saved our friendship and he could have helped me work through some of my SSA and ED issues. But I was so scared that he would run away. Though I have released him, I don’t feel like I can have full peace and closure in this relationship unless I have the opportunity to tell him the truth about me, and why our friendship went awry. At some point in near future, I would like to try an reconcile with him (perhaps with the assistace of our pastor) and restore whatever–if anything–is left in our friendship.
What advice do you have for me? What should I tell him? What do you know about restoring relationships that were formally emotionally dependent?
January 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 am
A few more questions…
What about reconciliation through a small-group?
January 2nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
zapatos –
Thanks for the very honest story and question! As you’ve found out, emotional dependency can be quite painful, as it tends to choke off relationships. I’m really sad to hear the pain you’re experiencing because of it.
My first suggestion, if you’re not on speaking terms at the moment with your friend, is that it might not be the best time to drop the bombshell on him. This may be very difficult, but my gut response is to suggest that you just let him know you’ve realized how you handled your friendship with him poorly, that you understand he needs his space, and that you hope that someday you might be able to be friends again… and that in the mean time you’ll give him whatever space he needs while you work on your ’stuff.’
What this does is give him room (which I would guess is part of why he isn’t on speaking terms with you right now). It acknowledges some error on your part and expresses that you’re working on it. But it doesn’t put a big expectation on him to respond in a certain way. It lets things *rest* for a while.
Hopefully, as you grow and as he’s able to forgive, you can gradually begin rebuilding a friendship – not like the one you had before, but something much healthier. If it’s needed, having a pastor help you reconcile is a really good idea.
At some point then it would be good to share your struggle with SSA, though I don’t think it’s usually necessary or helpful to share that you were attracted to him. If the subject comes up, I would keep it to an explanation of emotional dependency, and how that affected your friendship, rather than on attractions, which aren’t the main issue anyway.
Small groups — definitely a good idea for rebuilding a broken friendship, and for making friends in general. For those who tend towards emotional dependency, one-on-one friendship can be a bit dangerous until you deal with the underlying issues. Instead, spend time together in groups – even just three or four people is great. That way you’re directing your energy towards multiple people, not just one unrealistic relationship. And there tends to be a check and balance effect, especially if one of the people in the group knows your struggle and you’ve asked them to help you keep healthy balance…
Make sense?
Scott
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 am
Scott,
Thanks for your prompt response. And thanks for empathizing with my situation.
A few questions and remarks….
I have given my friend space for about 2 months now (no communication other than a "hi."). I agree that it might not be the best to drop the bombshell on him, but I do feel that I need some closure in all of this. He’s not ready to reconcile at this time, but I have some un-confessed sin that I feel I need to address with him in order to have peace in this situation…I see him at parties and we have a lot of mutual friends who have no idea what is going on (except one friend, who has offered to help set up a meeting). The other problem is that the sin that I committed against him was related to my struggle–I put words in his mouth and he’s going to ask me to address that… and I can’t do that without addressing my underlying struggle.
This is an incredibly trying situation for me….I want to approach my friend on Jan. 15th…but i don’t know what his reaction will be…What should I say? Can we talk for a few minutes? What about something like this: J, "I realize that our friendship has come to an end; I’m not looking to restart it, but I really have some things that I need to tell you so that I can have peace in all of this and move on with my life." Can we meet for 15 minutes after church?
Scott, if he agrees to meet, why shouldn’t I tell him the truth…what I’ve really wanted to tell him all along but never had the courage to do so. I think that it would be healing for me if I could tell him everything…it would be easier for me to move on knowing that I have done everything I could to make it right…If he agrees to meet, What are your thoughts?
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:58 am
Another Q: Steve, you mentioned that it is not necessarily helpful to tell your friend that you are attracted to him. Why do you say this? How do you advise Christian men who are on the receiving end of an SSA struggler to deal with his/her friend? My friend wants me to address the "awkwardness" in our friendship…How do I address this honestly without talking about my SSA toward him?
January 15th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
zapatos,
I suggested that it’s not always helpful to tell your friend you’re attracted to them, mainly because that will usually add a lot of awkwardness from him into the friendship. There are probably circumstances where it would be good to talk about it, but I would be slow to do so and seek insight from people who know both of us. Your situation may be one of them. But I would still couch the conversation less in terms of attraction and more in terms of what was going on in your heart.
Either way, you want want to address your sin and the awkwardness in the relationship, which is a good idea. Here’s how I’d approach it — first take all the labels off it (homosexual attraction, whatever), and then try to get a sense of what’s really going on. (Might help to read this first: https://exodusyouth.net/2008/11/03/i-love-my-friend/).
What’s on the surface of your heart tends to be things like romantic attractions, or jealousy. But that comes from things rooted deeper down in your heart, like loneliness, disappointment with relationships, rejection, sadness. (This may be the reverse of the way you’re used to thinking of things, but it’s usually the case). Rather than sharing the surface things, share the deeper things.
Share how you don’t have very many guy friends, and so tend to put too much expectation on one person to meet all your needs. Or how you feel upset when he hangs out with other people because you’re afraid that means he doesn’t like as much as you had hoped. Stuff like that.
What I’m describing is Emotional Dependency (read about it here: https://exodusyouth.net/2007/11/15/emotional-dependency/)
Much more comfortable to explain to a friend how you’ve become E.D. on them, and it’s closer to the real heart of things anyway. The attraction usually stems out of the E.D. I doubt that the attraction itself caused the damage to your friendship. It was the E.D. that caused you to treat him so poorly.
And the really cool thing is that if the real problem is E.D., instead of attractions, it’s something that both of you can work on. You can learn to create a network of friends instead of putting all your energy into one, and you can learn to give all of your heart to God instead of people. And your friend can learn to understand your emotional struggle, to set good boundaries in the relationship, etc.
The Emotional Dependency for Guys booklet is mentioned in that article, and it has lots of good tips.
Does this make sense? I’m not suggesting that you lie, or that you not tell him about how your SSA affected your friendship. What I’m saying is that you help him understand it at a deeper level. The bottom line is that you have brokenness in your life, that has caused you to have SSA, and that has affected how you relate to guys. It messed up your friendship with him, unfortunately, and for that you’re seeking forgiveness. But regardless you’re going to seek God’s healing, and work hard to become a relationally healthy person.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
well i ended up falling for one of my friends who was a girl and well it just caused a lot of upset in the end. i thought it was just because she was there for me and didnt question my sexuality for a minute untill i turned 15 and then i knew.
To cut a long story short we ended up falling out and we havent spoke since.
Fait plays a tricky game and for thos of you who believe in god will realise that if he hated homosexuality so much then why would he make you this way!?
I have a girlfriend now and i have been with her for naily 9 months and its been amazing.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Thanks for your insight Sawah. Your experience is not unlike many I’ve heard myself. If you’re ok with being in a same gender relationship, then so be it. we welcome you anyway!
But I did want to reply to a point you made. You ask: If God hates homosexuality, why would He make you that way? the truth is, no research out there proves that homosexuality is inborn. It can merely suggest it, and usually its politically motivated. If you actually read the research you find that it doesnt claim homosexuality is innate at all. some of the researchers themselves have come against this claim. In fact, I’m currently reading some research published by a lesbian psychologist that chronicles the sexual fluidity of 100 women over a ten year span of time. (can we all remember Anne Heche?)
But again to God, He gives us free will. and the bible never claimed sin was going to feel bad, in fact if it did feel bad, it would not be tempting. One verse that struck me when I was involved in a fling was proverbs 27:7 “To the man who is hungry, what is bitter tastes sweet. But the man who is full loaths even honey!” in other words, bad love is better than no love. I wasnt happy in my relationship, but its all I knew and its what I had settled for.
just because if feels good does not necessarily mean its good for you. let me ask this: If God hates adultery why do heterosexual men lust after women other than their wives? see? If we are christians, we must all strive to bring our sexuality under Gods authority. It is no different for people struggling with homosexuality or heterosexuality. There are not two set of rules, but one.
much love,
Frank
August 10th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Is it ever a good idea to tell a friend that you’ve had a crush on that you’ve liked them but that you don’t plan on pursuing a relationship with them ?
August 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Zaki, that usually isn’t advised. there is danger that the person may return the comment and make it harder for you to stay platonic. usually, you tell someone you like them in hope that they would return the feeling, otherwise you just let it be and go on.
what you can do is tell an accountability partner or a counselor. this way, you can walk through the attraction and understand perhaps why you feel it in the first place. For me, typically its based out of lack of connection or a longing to aquire some trait that I feel they posses but I lack. If I can confess my attractions to a safe third party they can help me process the attraction and overcome it. but the person you’re attracted to can’t offer that to you.
December 29th, 2009 at 2:03 am
I realized I had SSA feelings and even a bit of emotional
dependency on my best friend. They started, or rather they were
their noticably strongest when I found out he was going to get
married. 2 months before he was to get married he moved in with my
family because his family was very large and it was difficult for
him living at home. When he moved in with us, I found myself pining
away for him to come home from his job or college classes. I
remember how much I just wanted to be with him and it broke my
heart knowing that he was soon going to be married. I knew he loved
and cared for me, but not in a SSA type of way, nor did he know I
felt that way about him. Knowing that he was going to get married,
meant he would never spend the night again, and that he would
always have the responsibility of taking care of his wife. This
deeply saddened me and I cried alot about it and prayed very deeply
for the Lord’s strength. side note:(I also found that I loved to
wrestle with him (or wrestle with any guy I felt attracted to).
Horseplay and wrestling are an acceptable outlet for young men and
boys, but I knew with me, I liked it for the SSA reasons. It seemed
to be the only “acceptable” way to have contact with another guy
and not seem “gay.” I wonder if anyone else has experienced those
same feelings? Or if any other guys have used wrestling as a means
of feeling close to another guy, without actually doing anything
“overtly sinful”) That was 16 months ago. He has been so busy with
work, school, and marriage that I hardly ever see him, so the
feelings I had for him faded. But this Christmas break he was able
to come over often and hang out with me. Without warning, the old
feelings came flooding back and I am beggining to wonder if I
should even continue to see him. Not because im afraid anything
will happen, but just because it hurts my heart so deeply, seeing
him, and yet knowing I can never have the deeper relationship with
him before he was married, that I once had. I believe I just was
emotionally dependent on him, and wasnt even sure why. It has been
one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I do know though,
that even if he felt the same way for me, and never got married, I
would never be happy. As much as I love my friend, I love God more
and while it breaks my heart feeling the loss of a deep
relationship with him, I want to follow and be obedient to the
Lord. Though I continue to pray for God to change me, I have found
hope in my struggle. Though these SSA feelings are a struggle, I
also see them as an opportunity to offer my life as a living
sacrifice to God. What I mean by that, is if Jesus was willing to
give everything to save my soul, then should I not be willing to
give up my desire for another man, for the rest of my life if need
be, in order to honor him? Jesus died to take away my sin and was
crucified for me, so I will be crucified for Christ if need be and
deny myself what my heart yearns for. God change me! But until you
do, may your grace be sufficient for me to endure all trial and
temptation. Though I falter and stumble and many battles I may
lose, I will, by the grace and strength of my Lord Jesus Christ,
Win this war.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
sawah19 i fell for my best friend and ended up being together for
almost four years. ur sexuality should decide if if ur a sinful person
or not would u rather loose the one ur with to be strait and unhappy
u cant help who you are and all the people responding to the other
peoples questions you all have story’s similar to the ones your
helping answer me on this one thing are u now in a healthy strait
relationship and are you truly happy now being lonely
January 18th, 2010 at 9:57 am
bdevine91, I can tell you that I fell for a few of my guy friends in high school and college and there was nothing happy about it. Emotional dependency is such a soul killer. I was intoxicated with my friends and thought I was in love, but in reality I was obsessed. I couldn’t do anything without them, they couldn’t do anything without me. Any small thing I misread as rejection from them threw me into depression. My source of identity and strength came from my friend. That certainly wasn’t happiness for me. You ask if I am now in a healthy straight relationship and if I’m truly happy being alone. I can tell you that I’m much happier now, leaving those unhealthy emotions towards my friends behind. The ultimate goal is not heterosexuality. The goal is to walk obediently under Christ’s lordship and leadership, despite our sexual feelings. I can tell you that I am ready for a healthy relationship with a woman when it’s God’s timing. I don’t have to be in a relationship with a woman to validate that truth that God has changed and healed me. A “straight” relationship is not the trophy you receive for pursuing Christ. I’m truly happy living my life obedient to Christ and trusting Him as my source of identity. I’m not lonely…far from it. I walk in freedom today, knowing what my true identity is – THAT makes me truly happy.
June 1st, 2010 at 9:56 am
i use to get mad at my best friend and vice versa when new people
came around. this is so stupid. youre to anal about life. clam
down. live a little. take a step out of a church for once and see
the sun.
June 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
i have a very strong connection with all my friends but 2 of my guy
friends i really like. and the sad thing is that they go to church
with me. the only person who i told that i was gay is my sunday
school teacher (i have alot of confidence in her) but i havent told
her anything else. my question is how can i control my sin and at
the same time have a healthy relationship with those 2 friends.