How can I relate to a teen struggling with same-sex attractions?
Written by: Mike | September 8th, 2008Many Christians are intimidated by the issue of homosexuality because it seems so hard to understand. Some decide they can’t minister to a person struggling with it because they just don’t know enough. After all, how can you minister relationally to someone going through something that feels totally alien to you?
The answer is, you can probably relate to those who struggle with SSA a lot more than you think!
If you look at homosexuality on a surface level–simply as sexual and/or romantic desires for the same sex–it’s probably not something you can relate to at all. It’s important to realize, though, that the attractions are not what this struggle is all about. In truth, the underlying issues that someone with SSA needs to deal with are a lot more universal than even they realize.
There are some great resources that thoroughly lay out what the homosexual struggle is all about, but let’s take a quick look at what we’re really trying to understand.
Say you’re a male youth leader who’s never had a same-sex attraction issue in his life. How on earth can you understand a young man who thinks he might be gay? Well, he’s not just dealing with SSA. For years he’s probably been wrestling with:
- a long unmet need for an older man to love, challenge and affirm him in the way dads should.
- a crippling fear that he doesn’t measure up to what a boy–and a man–is supposed to be.
- shame from moments in life when his perceived inadequacy seemed to show.
- negative ideas about women taken from unhealthy examples in family and/or society.
- negative ideas about the masculine role in family and other relationships.
- a need to be accepted as just one of the guys.
Isn’t that stuff you can relate to? The reality is that guys struggling with their sexual identity on a surface level are really dealing with these issues on a heart level. Most guys get lost to some degree on the journey into manhood, and the result is all kinds of sin and struggle. Guys with SSA are the same; they just hold many of those inadequacies a little more deeply in some ways.
Ladies, you may never have considered yourself lesbian or bisexual, but the root issues that sexually confused teen girls face might not be that unfamiliar to you.
- longing for a nurturing, affirming mother-figure
- desire to be beautiful, yet scared of unwanted or dangerous attention that may come as a result
- struggles with healthy boundaries in friendships
- negative feelings about what it means to be desired by a man
- negative feelings about a perceived “role” imposed by society, the Church, etc.
While or brokenness may bear different fruit, it often shares a common root. You may or may not be able to understand how a particular student came to struggle with SSA, but that isn’t what they need most from you anyway.
Exodus ministries, counselors and resources can help young people delve into the deeper issues underlying homosexuality in an effective way. They can also help you become more knowledgeable and comfortable in your role mentoring and teaching these students.
What’s most important, though, is not what you know about their struggle–it’s simply that you know, and that you love them and will walk with them through these first years of their journey, which isn’t even mostly about homosexuality, anyway.
When they need to talk about it, listen. And if they ask a question, “I don’t know” is often a perfectly fine answer. An even better one is, “I don’t know, but let’s ask God, and trust Him, together.”
7 Responses to “How can I relate to a teen struggling with same-sex attractions?”
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October 7th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
To echo some of the great thoughts here, I think of Janelle Hallman’s book, “The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction.” While specifically writing about helping women, I believe it applies to anyone who wants to walk alongside a person seeking freedom from their struggles:
All of us in pain need others to intervene in different capacities, and we need to be willing to listen to God’s leading to love and care for others from an encouraging word, to taking time to sit and listen to their hearts. We don’t have to be experts, as Janelle says. God asks us to be available.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
So being gay isn’t a choice?
February 25th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
No T8ertots, having homosexual struggle is not a choice. The choice lies in what we do when we realize those struggles within us. Are we ok with being in homosexual relationships? or do we want something different? If someone is unhappy with their sexual orientation, there is hope to live a life beyond that. Thanks for asking. These are questions that sadly have become politically incorrect to ask today.
January 17th, 2010 at 2:51 am
I think you guys need to realize that not all of us struggling fall
into those categories so easily. I’m 20 and I’ve been struggling
with SSA for as long as I can remember (probably about 8 years, or
since puberty-ish). First off, I do NOT have an intense need to
have an older man love me. I’m attracted to guys my age. I do not
have a “crippling fear” (much less any fear) that I measure up to
what a man is supposed to be. I do not have perceived inadequacy
about myself other than what I’m told and read in Romans about God
detesting homosexual behavior. I do not harbor any negative ideas
towards women. I do not have any negative ideas about the masculine
role in families. And lastly, I have no problem being accepted as
“one of the guys”. To throw some more things out there at you, I
grew up in a great, supportive Christian family with a dad who is
loving and was present throughout all my upbringing. I was never
sexually abused or taunted in the locker rooms in any way. I do not
act effeminate, nor am I interested in doing so at all. I am very
comfortable with my masculinity, and I do not question whether or
not I am manly enough. And yet simply, I am attracted to men. There
is no good reason for me to have this SSA. So moderators…explain
that.
January 18th, 2010 at 10:09 am
NotBlackandWhite, you are exactly right. Everyone dealing with homosexual attractions do not come from the same background and do not have the same hurts and wounds. The experiences addressed in this post are common things guys experience that have homosexual feelings. But that doesn’t mean all guys have faced these same things. I don’t know your story so I can’t really explain to you why you have these feelings. All I can say is that sexual feelings and attractions are very complex things and there isn’t an easy explanation for any of it. We also are born in and live in a broken world, which means brokenness is manifested in many different ways. I’m not assuming anything with you, but when I began to work on my homosexual feelings with a counselor I had no clue why or how these attractions developed in me. But through working with a counselor and uncovering wounds I didn’t even know existed inside my heart, I was able to see after a couple years how certain experiences in my life most likely contributed to the development of homosexual feelings in my own life.
April 26th, 2010 at 11:43 am
This article has helped me understand WHY this is happening. But I don’t really know what to do about it. I mean, I absolutely hate it when guys ask me out or try to kiss me (I’m a girl). I’m tired of guys trying to take advantage of me. God doesn’t want that, does He? I’ve never had a crush on a guy, and I don’t expect I ever will. The church seems to think there’s a huge problem with that. Back before I ever loved a girl, there was a rumor going around my youth group that I was gay. One girl even punched me because of the lie. It wasn’t the truth, I wasn’t gay. But now I feel like the church has contributed to my same sex attractions. That’s so wrong! Now where do I turn? Now that I really do love one of my female friends, I feel like an absolute outcast. I can’t tell anyone I know. I haven’t actually DONE anything sinful with a girl, and I never really wanted to. I’m not asking anyone to tolerate homosexual behavior (even I don’t) but why does the church make it so hard on me? Why do I have to be obsessed with boys to be considered human? I’ll never love a man, but I want to stop loving my friend. I’m scared that God doesn’t want me to have this obsession with another girl. I want to serve God with my life, but how can I do that and have SSA at the same time?
October 6th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
Liveoutloud, my heart goes out to you. But hear me, in our society
today, in media, even in the Church because it has been affected
too, the message recieved is that “I have to be in some sort of
relationship or have the hope to some day be married.” That is
wrong. What does God say. He did not plan that all be married. It
is definitely okay if being in a relationship with a guy is not
something you are interested in. You are in a unique position to
serve the Lord in a great way without having to take care of the
needs of having kids or a husband. Don’t get me wrong, having a
husband and children are wonderful gifts, but these families are
serving the Lord caring for the needs, etc. of husband and wife and
children. It is a great ministry, in fact, God, in His word, tells
us that marriage is a picture of Christ’s marriage to the church
(fellow believers in Christ) and it should reflect that. However,
as I was saying, you are in a unique position to focus soley on the
work of Christ because you don’t have a husband or children, or a
boyfriend. In the Bible Paul says (my paraphrase) he was glad he
wasn’t married because he could focus soley on the work of God. So
try not to fret when others think you should be in a relationship
with someone. A book about celibacy called “Singled out”, by
Christine Colon and Bonnie Field may be helpful. As far as your
best friend goes, their are some things you can do and probably
should strongly consider. It is easier than one thinks to grow
attached to our friends in dangerous ways, especially women because
we are very relational and emotional. It sounds like your friend is
a great friend that has been there for you through thick and thin
and that is good, but you may have become, what Dee Breston, in her
book, The Friendships of women, refers to as “crazy-glued”. In this
great book she talks about the “darker side of becoming
crazy-glued” and “relational idolatry”. I think these couple of
books I mentioned here should be helpful to you.Press on toward the
work of the Kingdom. If you have asked, and truly meant it, Jesus
to come in to your heart, if you have admitted you are a sinner and
repented from your sins, He will change you, your desires. In your
mind, the tempting thoughts may not go away over night, it usually
doesn’t happen like that and it definitely doesn’t happen on its
own. You need to find another outlet when you are being tempted:
you need to be soaking your mind in the Word of God. See what God
says. Pray to Him as often as you think about it. He wants us to be
obsessed with Him. I hear your heart. You want to live for God. DO
IT! Don’t wait for your mind to change. God says come as you are.
Be willing to allow HIM to change you. HE WILL!!!!!! But you need
to saturate yourself in the Word of God. Know, know, know what God
says to you through the Bible and through prayer. And be willing to
be used….and be ready to be used because He will if you are
willing. I will pray for you liveoutloud. In Christ