Emotional Dependency
Written by: Mike | November 15th, 2007I met ‘Greg’ in high school through the drama team. He just came up to me one day and asked me to make him laugh, so I did. We were pretty much inseparable from then on.It was rare for me to find another guy with the same sense of humor, the same taste in movies and hobbies, so being together was really fun. And we hung out a lot. I always enjoyed spending time with Greg, so much so that I thought about him whenever I wasn’t with him. Whatever I got involved in, I thought of ways to get him involved, too.
We ended up going to the same college and taking a lot of classes together. As we drifted away from our high school friends, we got even closer. He was a really affectionate guy who had no problem hugging me, and sometimes we even wrestled around together. He was so considerate, calling me often and giving me silly little gifts or messages.
There was a down side to this seemingly fulfilling friendship, though. No matter how loving Greg was toward me, I always wanted more. Even if we spent a whole day together, for some reason I would go home at the end of it with a sort of frustrated, dissatisfied feeling. He was very social, and when I saw him laughing with other guys I felt jealous. I always worried, ‘What if he likes them more?’
Then Greg got a girlfriend, and their relationship quickly got serious. Now something inside me was really hurting. He always wanted to be alone with her, and our friendship suffered. I absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of them kissing it made me so angry – a bad angry that left me hopeless and depressed. I realized I was jealous of her, too.
In light of the fact that I was trying to overcome my struggles with homosexuality, this was an incredibly discouraging realization. I thought I was building healthy friendships! I thought this meant I was changing! Instead, I had ‘fallen in love’ with my best friend. I felt like a failure.
Worse still was the end of me and Greg’s friendship. Ultimately, my jealousy over his girlfriend turned into bitterness. Through sarcasm and gossip I sabotaged our relationship, and it went down – badly. When he was no longer a part of my life, it felt like losing a limb to a tragic accident. I was depressed for weeks.
This was one of the worst experiences of my life, and the harder thing was that this happened more than once, with other people. I didn’t learn until a while later that there was a name for this: Emotional Dependency.
What is Emotional Dependency?
The truth is, Greg wasn’t just my best friend, at least not to me. I was trying to make him my best friend, brother, mentor, dad, and honestly, even my god. He was certainly more important to me than God. But why would I, a Christian, do such a thing?
Well, probably because I was still looking for all those things: a brother, a mentor, a father, and God. These were all roles that were inadequately filled in my life. They weren’t perverted desires; they were real needs, and I was desperate to get them filled. But emotional dependency is what happens when we try to consolidate all these needs into one person. For a while, we’re able to buy into the illusion that this is working, and we become thoroughly attached to the object of our need. But eventually the unhealthiness of this practice will get you, like it got me.
You could say I put all my emotional eggs in one basket, my friend Greg. Problem was, he was never big enough to hold them all.
While we never technically had a homosexual relationship, it was emotionally homosexual. In fact, while I was never really drawn to him sexually, being around him often triggered episodes of acting out through internet pornography or even other people. This happened because being around him made me so aware of the deep longing for intimacy I had.
The painful truth is that relationships like this are absolutely sinful and destructive. They’re sinful first of all because they violate the number one commandment: to put God first in your heart and worship no one and nothing else. This is often evident in the ways we compromise our integrity for the sake of the unhealthy relationship – neglecting responsibilities, being self-centered, crossing sexual boundaries, etc.
In a word, it’s idolatry.
It’s also destructive to us. Like someone addicted to junk food, we’re trying to fill a need with something that won’t ever fill it. In the process, we deprive ourselves of what is good and truly fulfilling.
For more information about emotional dependency–how to recognize, overcome and prevent it–check out the new resource, Emotional Dependency for Guys, NOW AVAILABLE from the Exodus Bookstore.
10 Responses to “Emotional Dependency”
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November 24th, 2008 at 1:25 am
I am so thankful that you posted this message. I cannot begin to explain how weird it was to read someone else’s story and see perfectly my own life as it is right now. I am overwhelmingly grateful to you for writing this article. I have been painfully confused about this exact same problem right now and am beginning a new relationship that is exactly as you portrayed it. I was very confused about how to go about it in a Godly way and was having a horrendous time trying to figure out my thoughts on the matter. You spoke into my heart with a transparency I have never felt before. I am so glad I was able to hear this now, before I made the same mistake, as i was on the path to doing. I am gay and my friend is not, but I truly desire a deeper relationship with him. I still can’t stop thinking about him, but I am now very wary of idolizing him and having a ‘quick fix replacement’ for what I really need- God! I just ordered the book and cannot wait to read it. Thanks Again!
December 14th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
This article spoke to me so much, like many articles on this site. I was in a lesbian relationship with a girl for a year and this made me realize what was truly going on: emotional dependency. Even now that we’re broken up and I’m trying to leave homosexuality behind (or heal my deep-rooted sexual issues so that I can pursue wholeness),
seeing her triggers that feeling, when you recognize your need for intimacy. Because we were so close for so long and now we’re not, and I’m learning so much about why our relationship really went on for so long, it’s hard to even hear her laugh near me or hear our mutual friends speak of her.
It makes me feel like vomiting. But I realize now that it was idolatry, and that what I need is God. I have much more healing to do, but this put my head in the right spot so that I can take steps in the right direction. Thank you.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
eac12890 — you mention idolatry in your comment. That kind of gets to the heart of the matter, doesn’t it? There’s a point where relationships go beyond healthy attachment into making that person the source of all life and happiness for us. But God is truly the only one worthy of our worship.
I think a big part of healing from emotional dependency is learning to worship God alone. When our hearts begin to accept that God alone is our source of life, we stop looking for that from other simple human beings!
May 26th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
I have this best pal of mine that i was emotionally dependent on. but i still wonder if i’m emotionally dependent on. i’m feel fine now when he mingles around with other ppl. but yeah, i guess its true that i make him all that i need him to be, friend, supporter, hugger :X , and all of that rolled into one. problem is, what should i do? how can i change? thiskid12345 mentioned something bout thinking bout him all the time, just that i dont. but perhaps most of the time i do, lol. and one more thing is that, i have made sure that i would put such a friendship in a only friendship boundary, and that no ‘acting out’ scenes would ever occur ‘tween me and him, that helps?
But like i said, i wanna keep this relationship that i cherish but at the same time kick away all those negative things? Is this a technically homosexual relationship? or is it the David-Johnathan-pure kinda friendship? Is it ok for me to want him to give me a hug?
And i’d like to thank all of you in Exodus, for providing some enouragement and truth when there is seemingly none out there. thanks lots. *grin
May 26th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
you mentioned something about falling in love with your best pal. i’m confused. i care lots for that friend of mine and i guess you could say that i love him. is there anything wrong with that?
July 7th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Thank you for writing this article.
I am 21 and have been struggling with same-sex attractions for as long as I can remember. I have never acted on those attractions – aside from brief forays into pornography – and never told or intimated to anyone that I have had this struggle. After reading this article and others on this site I now understand that I have a number of issues that need my attention aside from the obvious one of being sexually attracted to other males. The first one being my unhealthy ‘emotional dependency’ on male friends.
This article describes with startling clarity the sort of relationship I have with my house mate and best friend. We are both Christian, he is straight (as far as I know) and I am ‘gay’. He is, however, the latest in a line of emotional dependants. I have recently been convicted by God to stop hiding my struggles from other people and have been agonising over whether I should tell him I struggle with same-sex attractions or not. I don’t obsess over him, nor pine when he’s not with me but I do get a bit jealous when he spends time with other friends and I am attracted to him. I thought about just ending the friendship and moving away, a tactic I have tried once before, but I already feel lonely and isolated and another ‘escape’ doesn’t seem like the right or emotionally healthy thing to do. Besides, I’ll probably end up making the same mistake again. I guess I’m asking for advice on whether I should tell him about my struggle and if so how should I do it?
Also, how would I put God first and worship him alone? I thought I was doing that, sort of, but now I’m not so sure.
July 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Hi Tyndian. Thanks for sharing. I’ve battled with many emotional dependent relationships in the past. What I’ve learned is that you can’t just run away from the problem. I’ve ended or distanced myself from guy friends who I was emotionally dependent on just so I could get over the pain. While that remedied the problem for a while, it only took another guy to come into my life who gave me attention, whom I admired and envied, to propel me into another emotionally dependent relationship. So I would encourage you not to give up. You ask if you should tell your friend about your struggle. Well, my question is, what is your motivation? Why do you want to tell him? Do you think sharing your struggle with him will relieve the pain of emotional dependence? What do you expect him to do with this knowledge? Is some part of you hoping that by letting him know, he will rescue you? I’m not saying that’s the case. But these are some things to think about.
Is he someone you can trust, and someone who can be an encouragement for you? If so, and your intentions are right, then it may be helpful for you to share this with him. Do you have any support outside of this one friend? They may be helpful in walking out of this.
Putting God first is hard for all of us. Learning from my own experience with emotional dependency, I had to realize that the person I was idolizing could not provide me with what I needed. Making them my source for everything left me very empty. I had to bring them off the pedestal and see them for who they were. Keeping God first means sacrificing all other things before Him. It’s hard to do, but with His help you can experience freedom. Also remember He knows what you are going through and just wants you to be honest with Him. It is He who comes to us and meets us where we are, to bring us to where He wants us to be.
August 14th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
"Do not let your hearts be troubled."- Jesus Christ, speaking to Thomas John 14:1
I was reading this Scripture passage the other morning and was wondering how on earth I was going to be obedient to this. I do not even think Jesus meant this as a command as much as an encouragement but I could not help but within myself to sink as I read this and ask; "God, how am I going to do this?"
My heart was troubled because I heard about a guy who seemed to be my type, and my friend told me I was his type and even though I had never met this person I was extremely attracted to the idea of him. You see, I was attracted to this construct that I had conjured up based on some facts but mostly imagination. What made it so hard is that there were some facts, enough to make what seemed like an imagined fantasy be a reality. In the end it was still a fantasy. It has such magnitude because it was tempting to all of the things relevant when talking about emotional dependency, which has already been established are based of real needs and desires. I realized this but I still felt my heart drawn to this fantasy, even though I also wanted to do the will of God.
It is important before I go on to mention that God comforted me with some insight from him. In relating to his incarnational mystery God reminded me that his love for me was total and complete about which we can rightly say he is our all in all. As Jesus is not just God but also full human his love for us is physical and tangible in the sense that it is bodied (he loves us in his body, through his body). The very basic human desire to touch and be touched is met by a God who comes to touch us in the Godman Jesus Christ. One aspect of this is realized when we encounter the real presence of Christ in Holy Communion (although not all Christians see Communion in this sense). Another, and important, way that we experience the love of Christ tangibly is precisely through human persons who are bearers of God’s image. More specifically we encounter him in the "least of these" and in our brothers and sisters in Christ who are mystically part of his body- i.e. of the Body of Christ. Men, in particular, offer a unique role in being bearers of God’s image especially in relation to the mystery of Christ’s incarnation for as he became flesh in humanity he became, specifically a man.
Listening to the Holy Spirit I heard him guide me to the story of David and Jonathan. For many who struggle with same-sex attractions the story of David and Jonathan is extremely attractive and their relationship extremely desirable. God and I have dealt with this story before; going there together was a familiar yet challenging place. Through reading it though God showed me some important insights. Among them are the following:
1.) Friendships are a tremendous gift from God that can be close, intimate and bound by covenants. Friendship is a particular type of relationship that is designed by God. As God has created us relational beings meant to engage in human relationships through love; men rightly love men in the context of healthy friendship (1 Samuel 18:1-4).
2.) Friendship will often cost sacrifice and experience suffering as is normative for loving relationships in our broken world. Willing to make sacrifice for the sake of a friend is noble and God honoring in that it is obedient to the command to love our neighbor as ourselves (19:4). Jesus himself teaches us that there is no greater love then of a man to lay his life down for his friends. Jesus teaches us this not only with his words but by his example, when he lays down his life for us he shows us that we are his friends and the great love he has for us.
3.) In friendship it is sometimes necessary to reaffirm love and care for one another as the dynamic of all relationships often change in light of new experiences and realities of one or both of those involved. Time, geography, marriage and the growth of the individual are all examples of such realities.
4.) Physical affection is appropriate in friendship but motives and drives always need to be checked especially when one struggles with same-sex attractions. Cultural sensitivity must also be taken into account but it cannot be assumed that culture is right. It seems to me, although I could be wrong, that healthy cultures in Biblical times and today include and encourage physical affection as is normal between heterosexual males that is often missing in many modern western cultures (20:41). I believe this is due to the ill effecting role of homophobia, namely, the fear of being associated as a homosexual. That human love is expressed through touch even if it is not erotic supports this. Also that the needs of young boys and men to be affirmed and called out as masculine men happens through a process of love from father to son and in the company of brotherly companions supports this. A word of caution though, that such things are no romanticized or sought after for their own sake because of our struggle with same-sex attractions.
4.) When David and Jonathan become "one in spirit" I have often thought of this strange language, something more akin to marriage (18:1). This has made me question, as I am sure I am not alone, if such a relationship was homoerotic. The plain reading of the Scripture in addition to cultural-historical insight show this to be untrue. How then does such a strong statement make sense in the context of friendship? It is helped by understanding the succeeding half of the sentence.
"After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself." (1 Samuel 18:1, NIV)
Namely, "he loved him as himself." He did not love him as other but as himself. In erotic love a man is drawn out of himself to love one who is truly other- woman. Jonathan did not love David as one other than himself, he loved him as himself. It is the same love Christ that lays his life down for his friend, who seeks his betterment and wellbeing, stands alongside, and comes to the defense of his friend. The concern for his friend extends to the prolonging of that friends line through the bearing of children (20:14, 15). A desire to avert this for the selfish hogging of the friend for ones own needs is not love- "love is not…self seeking (1 Co 12)." That Jonathan asks David to show him, "unfailing kindness like that of the Lord, so that I may not be killed," shows how this is the love of Christ (20:14, NIV). That David is a "type of Christ" cannot be ignored for in a way this is fulfilled in Christ’s work. David’s line brings forth Jesus the Messiah who befriends humanity and establishes his kingdom in such a manner that we are partakers even though we were the ones who rebelled against God and his rule. Jesus, Son of David, brings salvation to the whole world throughout all history even to the time of Jonathan and through his saving works makes us members of God’s Kingdom. This is the new Covenant.
5.) Saul shames his son Jonathan for his love of David, saying that he is the son of a perverse woman (20:31). In this way he alienates Jonathan from himself. In my own experience and because of abuse and other circumstances I have often felt shame in regards to my love for other men and from other men no matter what that role may be; father, mentor, brother, or friend. Through this reading of Scripture God reminded me that this shame is unfounded. As long as love is true and is characteristic of the love of Christ (which does not allow for homosexuality) there is not shame. Really the shame in this story is that of Saul who is disobedient to God and unjust in his desire to kill an innocent man. Between friends, even between to guys they can love each other and have no shame!
6.) God reminded me that friendship and fatherhood are good things, he designed them and intended for us to have them. That God is our heavenly Father, and our all in all does not mean we should not desire these types of relationships however we must rely on God to meet these needs and be content in him in each circumstance. God reminded me that it was not right for me to demand to much from a friend and that a friend could not fulfill all the roles a father was supposed to if this is not rightly met through our father. In the end we must trust God that he is able and willing in his great love and goodness to provide all our needs including our relational, emotional and specific needs as gendered people (in my case masculine).
"Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."
Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?"
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."" (John 14:1b-7, NIV)
December 30th, 2009 at 9:27 am
I was shocked as I read the article, because it pertains Exactly to
how I feel about my best friend. I immidiatly ordered “Emotional
Dependency” from your site and bought the original by Lori Rentzel.
I can’t wait to get them! Like you said, having this friend around,
even if for the whole day, after they left, had you feeling
disatisfied and frusterated. That is exactly how I feel when I see
my friend! I think to myself, I was happy being alone! Then I hung
out with him ( though there were no homosexual actions) and I felt
worse for him even showing up at all! It only brought pain and
heartache as I couldnt have him with me more often! He literally
becomes an idol! And strangely, I find myself happier without him
in my life! He has been like a brother to me, and we both care for
each other, but he is married and doesnt know of my ssa feelings
towards him, and yet the funny thing is, he makes it a point to
call me every week and see how Im doing, and not the other way
around. I know he deeply cares for me, even if he has no SSA
feelings, but that makes it all the more difficult. Sometimes I
wish he just stopped calling me and never wanted to see me. To
those struggling with ED in their relationships, I truely and
honestly believe there is more happiness and joy away from these
people, than there is with them. We tend to worry who they hang out
with, and not us. We fear they will get another best friend besides
us. We fear they will no longer “need” us. Everything seems to be
constant worry and anxiety. Either we fall into a homosexual
relationship and hurt our relationship with God, or they get
married and leave us, or something happens and the relationship
ends. There is no hope for a future with them in any way, so long
as Emotional Depency has its role in us. The funny thing is, once
ED is gone, we don’t care so much anymore and we no longer obsess
over them. When ED dies, so does our worry, anxiety, fear, and
longing for this person. When ED dies, we become free, to be all
that God has called us to be in either our masculine roles as men
or feminine roles as women. When the idols of our heart come
crashing down, we can once again feel the fullness of God’s grace,
love and Face shine upon us. ED is and always will be a curse, one
we must fight and by the Power of Christ overcome. God give us all
grace in our struggle!
January 4th, 2010 at 11:32 am
Hi ChristianKid,
I’m glad you found this article helpful for your current situation. You have tremendous insight in the struggle of emotional dependency. I found myself in several emotionally dependent relationships in the past and it is very difficult to deal with. Some things I had to ask myself were, what do I get from this obsession? Why am I idolizing this one person? What do I see in them that I lack? I ultimately found that my obsession came from being envious of them, and wanting what they had. The first healthy male friendships I had led into ED because my brain for so long only computed male attention and affection in a sexual/erotic way. So it was a process of retraining my brain. I had to learn that my source and identity came from God and no one else. I had to let go of those obsessions and lean on the one who does value me and sees so much worth in me. I hope the ED booklets are helpful for you as they were for me.