“I think my son wants to be a girl,” the  father blurted out through tear-filled eyes as he entered my office.  He was an enthusiastic father, an articulate, well-educated man, with a passion for God and truth. His wife was with him, tears streaming from her face as she saw the pain in her husband’s heart.  She was a gentle mother with a deep passion for her family and an even deeper passion for the Lord.

“How old is your boy?” I asked.

“He is five and this has been going on for two years.”

…

How do you know that your son wants to be a girl?” I asked. The dad’s response was one that I had heard before and in many ways, was indicative of the confusion I feel exists with gender development in sensitive boys.  The dad began to tell me a myriad of examples where the son was drawn to things the father identified as female:  “He is fascinated with women’s shoes.  He puts his t-shirt over his head and pretends he has long hair.  He loves to touch his mother’s silk nightgowns.  He is fascinated with Ariel in the Little Mermaid and often wants to be her.”

With a quiver in his voice he stated, “And he put on his mothers skirt and was twirling around like a girl. I told him not to do that because that was like a girl!”

This is an issue I have had to think about recently.  A wonderful, concerned mother sent me an email a few weeks ago asking about her five year old son’s peculiar behavior.  He was indeed doing some of the things the boy mentioned in the article was doing.  They were concerned for him, wondering whether he would turn out gay or not.  The truth is, God created him with he temperament and there isn’t anything gay about his interests.  I really like what Ricky says about sensitive boys.

Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.  His little boy’s obsession with women’s shoes were not because he wanted to be a girl, but more because he was aesthetically and visually oriented–and women’s shoes are much more visually exciting than the black, brown or burgundy of men’s shoes.  Women’s shoes have sparkles, bobbles and bows. They come in every color imaginable and are in different shapes and textures. They are an aesthetically gifted boy’s dream!  And he was not trying to identify as a girl when he grabbed his mother’s skirt, put it on, and twirled around.  To him, it was similar to our experience of going to the fair and doing drop art projects where we drop paint on a spinning paper and watch it splatter, but even better. As he moved, he created art and beauty as the colors whirled around him and flowed up and down in the air.  Better yet, he was the center of it all!

I believe any and all of these things can open a path down the road to homosexual feelings IF the parents do not respond in a proper way.  I, myself, fell into this category as a boy.  My favorite movie was actually The Little Mermaid.  I wanted to be Ariel so very badly.  I played with barbie dolls and played dress up.  My parents never scolded me or treated me any differently.  But what I remember is absence of my father in those situations.  I was honestly left to the labels of the world in defining and shaping my perception of myself as a boy.  Without God’s view of masculinity and femininity, I was viewed as ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘gay’.  With the direct influence of my father, guiding my desires and passions, while confirming the masculine inside of me, perhaps same-sex attraction would have never developed in me.

Ricky goes on to discuss the characteristics that sensitive boys tend to have, how their personality, passions and interests can cause pain and marginalization, because the world has a warped and limited perception of masculinity and femininity.  I love the last bit on how to parent and love a sensitive soul.

Affirm the child’s gifting as inherently masculine.  Ballet dancers are men just as much as construction workers, policemen, or actors.  Find ways to see the strength, the initiative, and the drive in what he does and affirm it.  Don’t fall prey to the stereotype that only certain gifts should be possessed by men and others are feminine.  Let the child know he is a man when he does what he has been gifted to do.

Learn to see the world through his eyes.  You will need to practice changing your vision to do this.  Your son sees a world of color and texture, beauty and tragedy, drama and resolution.  All of life is indeed a stage for him.  When you go on a camping trip he may not be as interested in shooting the gun as in pointing binoculars at the myriad of birds and small creatures he sees around him and trying to identify what they are.  He can become mesmerized by the structure, color, and texture of shells on the sea shore or sit for hours observing the ebb and flow of the tide and marvel at how the water changes from emerald to azure over the sandbars. Realize that everything in his world is important to him and somehow connected to him.  He notices nuance and subtlety.  He sees beauty.  You celebrate this and seek to see it too.

I could equate this segment to, loving your child for who they are and not who you want them to be.  I love the emphasis Ricky places on celebrating your child, understanding where they are coming from, and enjoying their interests and perceptions of the world.  A boy may respond very differently to a camping experience than his father, and that’s okay.  It’s always important to remember that children are easily shapeable people.  Their early years are pivotal and foundational in identity development.  If a father celebrates and nurtures the true God-given talents and gifts his son has, the boy will be shaped into a very confident, bold, and artistically talented individual.

Ricky closes with a paragraph on the splendid gift a sensitive boy is to his family.

If you have a sensitive son, know that you have been given a great gift. Though they can have difficulty fitting in at school, they are generally great students, good boys and often will excel in college or  university.  They can develop into amazing men of God who can radically change the world and affect the Kingdom!  They are the Billy Grahams, the Martin Luther King, Jrs., the Mozarts and the Handels of their generation.  It is no wonder they are so targeted by the evil one and tormented by peers. They are world-changes and life-givers. They are the preachers, musicians, artists, dancers, creators and visionaries of our day. Raise them well and bless the Kingdom and the world!

There is so much in this article that resonates with me personally that there just isn’t enough space to take up right now for it.  This is a great reminder of what truly defines masculinity and femininity – our Creator.  The world has these put in boxes, and a very rigid mold a boy and girl have to fit in.  If they don’t, they are labeled as different.  It is indeed obvious why the evil one targets these bright people.  A God-given talent and passion is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  The world has beaten up so many souls because their own soul and creative being didn’t fit the mold.  So another was cast for many – one labeled gay, different, sissy.

This is an exhortation for parents to enjoy their children for who they are, what they like, and what makes them passionate.  This is an encouragement for them to bless the masculinity of their boy who may be more interested in painting and writing, than sports and playing power rangers.  This is also an encouragement for those guys who read this and relate so much to the sensitivity of the boy described here.  You are not weird, you’re not girlie or a sissy.  God created you to bring glory to Himself through the gifts He has given you.  Don’t allow the world or it’s labels to crush the fire that is in you or strip you of your masculinity.  As Ricky states, Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.

Check out Randy’s post about it here.

I want to give you a way of thinking about Vision that will pull your recovery from sexual addictions into the future. My heart is to share a few ideas about areas where you can pay attention and with following-through, enrich the process of recovery with greater meaning, radical redemption, and down-right Kingdom authority. I also want to warn you about some common challenges to Vision to help you anticipate how the enemy will try and take you off your God-ordained course.

The bible is clear: “Without a Vision, people will perish!” God wants us to be forward thinkers as a body and as individuals. He has given us each dreams, gifts, talents and passions and He expects a return on His heavenly investment. Well, why is it that so many of us in recovery can’t see past the edge of our 12 steps workbooks? The bottom line is it’s not that we can’t-we often just don’t or simply won’t. But that can change and is changing for many. In fact, men and women all over the world are partnering with God to minister redemption in three key areas: Family, Community, and Culture.

Family Vision
Let’s talk about several ways Family Vision can take place. Maybe you have a spouse who needs a recovery process of their own. They need you to work hard on your own stuff first, but eventually, as a result will be more likely to respond when invited to look at their own issues. (INVITED, being the key word, here!). Perhaps you have kids…they need their parents’ shepherding around their sexuality more than any other time. How about other family or extended kinship? Couldn’t they benefit from your openness regarding the process and victory you’re experiencing? Absolutely!

I have a former client in Tennessee who shared openly with his family about his past struggle, recovery program and healing-as a result, his adult children have entered their own healing partnerships with the Lord and a recovery community of their own. In fact, his daughter wrote a compelling story of faith, openness and purity featuring her dad’s ability to say no to a bunch of peers who wanted him to join them in a visit to a strip club while visiting Las Vegas! Talk about inspiring. Do you think he sleeps easier at night knowing how he’s overcome the enemy’s lies of condemnation and disqualification?

Community Vision
What about our Community Vision? How many times have you recognized an individual you work, attend church with or live near may be struggling? Will you allow God to minister through you to those co-workers, fellow congregants, and neighbors? I know one guy in Reno who was gifted athletically and also suffered from Juvenile Arthritis. When he found out a local girl had the same condition and couldn’t afford treatment, he used his extra time, talent and treasure (which used to be wasted acting-out) to swim across the frigid waters of Lake Tahoe. He raised thousands for her care in the process. Can you get excited about that kind of self-sacrifice? It blows me away!

Cultural Vision
And then there is Vision regarding Culture. Needless to ask, but can you see where the problem of sexual sin has caused erosion and destitution in our land? My friend Shelley Lubben sure has-she’s on a mission to rescue the sexually broken, particularly former actors and actresses in the pornography industry! Then there’s my colleague John Glisson in Georgia, the founder of Higher-Calling.com, one of the most amazing online resources for those trying to heal from sexual brokenness and live a life of purity…a website that gets thousands of hits a day and has helped myriads worldwide. Do you get the sense that these people get excitement and fulfillment from these involvements? Trust me, they’re alive and plugged-in to the Vision they asked the Lord to share with them!

Where do I go from here?
Perhaps you know others on this journey at a similar place of stepping out and you can meet with these people for support and encouragement. I used to meet with a Vision and Leadership group like this for an hour every other week and we discussed these things, challenged one another and took risks. We also anticipated the obstacles that would want to prevent a redemptive partnership with Christ: selfishness, laziness, lack of commitment to our own recovery, being ‘driven’ rather than ‘called,’ pride, arrogance. Listen, these will kill you and steal your dreams so don’t overlook them! Lay them at the cross, pick up your sword and let’s take back the land!

Enjoy the rewards: Hope, Prosperity and Strength
What are your ideas? I mean, I’m not saying you have to go out and save the world tomorrow-focus on getting better as a priority, by all means. But don’t neglect the mandate being given here: “seek the Lord while He may be found,” find out what He means when He says “I have plans to prosper you…to give you a hope and a future,” and “they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.” Ask Him to begin showing you your unique, custom-tailored Vision of redemption and then slowly move into that Vision, one step at a time.