Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

Ultimately you must search your own heart with God’s help to determine if it is sin or not.  The best way to tell is by asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin for you.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, masturbation may possibly be permissible, but what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

I never felt shame as an abuse victim, mainly because I didn’t think I was abused.  I just saw those few instances as mere opportunities for an older guy to provide me what I was already hungry for.  I was just as responsible for what happened as he was, I thought.  It was merely an experience in the past with no consequences to my soul or well-being.  Having gone through a recovery program I should have known better.

After almost six years of walking away from a homosexual identity, the reality of those experiences hit me.  I’ve been working with a counselor for the last six months, and in the early stages of our meetings, the topic of what happened with the older guy came up.  As I tried to minimize the actions that took place, my counselor reacted in a way that shocked me.  He acted as if the sexual encounters with this older guy were consequential and influential in how I interact and relate to the world around me.  

The weeks after that I began to come to the point of accepting the fact that I had been sexually abused.  It wasn’t something that I had control over.  Though the experiences felt good and provided for a need that I had, enjoying it did not make me responsible for what happened.  I was a young, naive, ten year old starving for male affection.  Understanding this allowed me to see the encounters for what they were.

I began to accept the idea that I had been sexually abused, but I still struggled with the idea of it really having an impact on my life.  Of course I had issues, but I didn’t believe they stemmed from the few encounters I had with the older guy.  But, as I began to read and learn more about sexual abuse, I was able to see how it made a profound impression on me.  Sexual abuse survivors are usually skeptical of everyone – Bingo!  Sexual abuse survivors have a hard time trusting people – Right here!  These two characteristics describe me exactly.  I’ve had trust issues with people for as long as I can remember, and I’m always skeptical of people – the ones I know and the ones I don’t know.  I really believe this has hindered me from building relationships with more people.

Can there be anything else God?  That’s what I’d ask.  Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people?  Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again.  I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood.  The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?

I didn’t want to go to God.  I was tired of being hurt.  So I was going to handle everything on my own.  This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage.  Why did God fail me?  I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to.

Have you ever found yourself in that position?  It’s as if you are tired of being powerless and no longer want to be dependent on anyone, because that leaves you violated.  I was powerless with the older guy and was violated.  I was dependent on God, and felt violated by Him.  This put me in a place of turning inward, trusting myself.  This was the easier and “safer” thing to do.  But instead of growing and healing, I spiraled downwards into my own despair.  The very source of my life had become the disdain of my soul.  But in running from the Source, I was running from my own healing.

So many times I hear people saying that the Lord didn’t cause this traumatic experience in your life, He merely allowed it to happen to use for the good of His Kingdom in the future; or He was there in the midst of the pain – He was there weeping tears of pain in those situations.  I can’t really say that right now regarding my sexual abuse.  I’m not at a place to really see that yet.  Honestly the wounds are still very raw, and I do hurt, still questioning why God allowed this to happen.  But I’ve learned through the couple of months of pure pain and desperation, that I can’t walk this out alone, and if you’ve been abused you can’t either.

How can you trust when you’ve been violated?  It’s a process I’m still walking through.  Whether you’ve been abused sexually or not, we are all marred with some kind of violation to our bodies and souls.  It’s easy to project our own concept of God on to Him, when in reality He is a being far bigger and mysterious to even grasp, much less label with our own notions of who God is.  He’s not a violator like my abuser.  He’s not a broken human being like so many that have caused emotional scarring in me, and I in them.  He’s a creator of life; He’s love; He’s father; He’s your protector.

Psalm 18:1-2 says this:

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” (emphasis added).

I can’t tell you that I’m at peace with the fact that I was abused.  I can’t tell you that He allowed this to happen to bring glory and honor to Himself.  But I can tell you that I can’t heal from this violation without Him.  Though I found myself in a place of unbelief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, I can tell you now that He is faithful and a stronghold for our protection.  I know it grieves His heart when any form of brokenness is acted out on His precious children.  And I know that He is a restorer.  I couldn’t restore myself to wholeness…even if I tried.  I need a redeemer to redeem the darkness of my past.  We all do.

Trusting is hard when you’ve been violated.  But I know the one who was violated himself on our behalf (Isaiah 53:5) is the person to trust in this dark time you may be facing.  Believe in who God says He is and allow yourself to fall vulnerable before the one who will never violate or forsake you.  Barricade yourself in the one who is your shield, strength, and stronghold.  Trusting when you’ve  been violated in the one who redeems will truly bring about restoration and healing in your life.

As an individual who is fighting same sex struggles and submitting this battle daily to Christ, you bring a different and much needed redemptive viewpoint to other DOT participants. They can learn a lot from your personal battle with this issue and gain a better understanding for those students they are actually trying to reach. You have rejected the world’s answer to homosexuality and are experiencing a new-found freedom through Jesus Christ. You are proof that there is another way! By participating in Day of Truth, you can be an advocate for other hurting and struggling students at your school.

Now, please don’t hear us saying that you should broadcast your battle with homosexuality to your whole school. This certainly may not be the time and place for that, but you don’t have to share your testimony in order to be effective. You can still be a great influence in helping bring understanding and compassion to this issue without divulging your own personal battle.

However, if you feel lead to share your story to the DOT participants and/or the student group you’re involved in, be bold in your freedom and share the redemption you’ve experienced through Christ. Be confident that you’re not alone and there are thousands of other students battling right alongside you all throughout the world. Your story can plant seeds of life into the hearts of the broken and help other Christians see the grace of God in a new and different way.

By participating in Day of Truth you can make a difference. Whether you feel lead to share your story or not, you can be an invaluable asset to other participants and the students they are reaching out to. Hopefully, the conversations will continue beyond this one day event and the Lord will use you to bring real answers and hope to a culture impacted by homosexuality.

Have you heard about the Day of Truth? You’ve probably seen announcements about it on the Exodus Youth website and perhaps in our Facebook Group. You may be wondering why Exodus is involved and if you are a student personally struggling with same-sex attractions you may think, “Why should I be involved in the Day of Truth?” If you’re feeling that your participation may not be very beneficial or necessary, that is far from the truth. We encourage you to be involved because you are a valuable and much needed asset to this event. Regardless of if you’re a student who secretly struggles or open about your struggle with same sex attractions, you have so much to offer. Your unique perspective and personal experience with homosexuality can be a much needed asset to helping other Day of Truth participants prepare for the conversations taking place at your school.

As an individual who is fighting same sex struggles and submitting this battle daily to Christ, you bring a different and much needed redemptive viewpoint to other DOT participants. They can learn a lot from your personal battle with this issue and gain a better understanding for those students they are actually trying to reach. You have rejected the world’s answer to homosexuality and are experiencing a new-found freedom through Jesus Christ. You are proof that there is another way! By participating in Day of Truth, you can be an advocate for other hurting and struggling students at your school.

Now, please don’t hear us saying that you should broadcast your battle with homosexuality to your whole school. This certainly may not be the time and place for that, but you don’t have to share your testimony in order to be effective. You can still be a great influence in helping bring understanding and compassion to this issue without divulging your own personal battle.

However, if you feel lead to share your story to the DOT participants and/or the student group you’re involved in, be bold in your freedom and share the redemption you’ve experienced through Christ. Be confident that you’re not alone and there are thousands of other students battling right alongside you all throughout the world. Your story can plant seeds of life into the hearts of the broken and help other Christians see the grace of God in a new and different way.

By participating in Day of Truth you can make a difference. Whether you feel lead to share your story or not, you can be an invaluable asset to other participants and the students they are reaching out to. Hopefully, the conversations will continue beyond this one day event and the Lord will use you to bring real answers and hope to a culture impacted by homosexuality.