This article will look at how youth workers can, and must, help students who are facing such bullying in school – knowing that these same things could be happening within local youth ministries as well.  This article is not calling to accept behavior that clashes with Biblical beliefs, rather it’s calling for Christians (especially those who are youth workers) to take a stand against bullying, and start teaching the truth about sharing God’s unconditional love with those who think they are undeserving of such love.

Read what two students write about their current school experience:

Male Student – 11th grade
“I have learned that harassment in schools is a norm.  Kids would scream the term ‘faggot’ as they saw me in the halls. None of the teachers said a word, and that is what scared me.  I don’t feel safe at my school because I’m gay.”

Female Student – 12th grade
“I stayed home because everyone hated me so much that it made me hate myself, and I thought there was something completely wrong with me.  I missed almost three weeks in a row to avoid seeing the other students.”

As a gay teen in high school, I can clearly identify with both students.  The majority of my teachers did not respond to the comments made by my peers in the halls and classrooms.  Regardless of why they did not respond, the result is the same: there are too many teens unjustly being bullied in schools.  Whether students are gay, have braces, wear glasses, or do not act manly/feminine enough, bullying (harassment) of any kind is wrong and damaging.  As stated before, the extreme consequence of receiving such mistreatment from peers can lead some students to become suicidal.  Some may have constant thoughts but never go through with the actions (like myself, who identified as gay), and some may actually plan their death and eventually follow through with it.

It’s important to understand whether the teen is a Christian or not does not determine our response to them: we are to love regardless.  In saying that, I fully believe we are to love in truth, just as Jesus taught (John 4 and 8 are perfect examples of this idea of loving in truth).  This is not to say that we are to compromise truth for the sake of someone feeling accepted, rather this is to say that we speak the message of truth through authentic actions of love – again, just as Jesus exemplified.  This type of authentic love goes beyond the cliché: “hate the sin, love the sinner.”  Everyone knows that scripture calls homosexuality a sin, as every Christian is quick to tell gays and lesbians, although not everyone knows the love and grace of Christ, because the Church is often too slow at showing it to the gay community.  Authentic love looks past the person’s faults, and looks into their hearts.  Yes, Jesus called out sin, but He first went to the root of the matter: the person’s need for God’s love.  Jesus then dealt with the wrong ways they were striving to attain authentic love through other means.

Besides, whenever Christians use the cliché: “hate the sin, love the sinner,” the only thing the gay community hears is HATE.  That is not the message of the gospel – LOVE is.

The Youth Worker

The most important issue is this: does the student have a relationship with Christ?  This is the foundation of every struggle and issue.  If the person does not have a personal relationship with God, why should they change their behaviors and follow the standards of God vs. the standards of the world?  The next important issue, once the student has accepted Christ, is this: how are they nurturing their relationship with Christ?  The youth worker needs to be asking questions, like: Do they have people walking along side of them (discipleship of some form); how is their relationship with their parents and peers; what are some things that God is bringing forth that needs restoration; are there questions or doubts that the student is struggling with?

In evaluating these questions, here are some essentials that all youth workers must embrace before ministering to gay students (even those who haven’t come out but are still struggling with the issues):

1. Be ready to deal with your own stereotypes and prejudices.  If you are tense about discussing this issue, if you are uncomfortable around gay people in general, you must deal with these things before any gay student will trust you and open up to you.  They want (and need) to feel safe.  Youth workers need to continuously be informed about the issues surrounding homosexuality!

2. Be willing to pray for wisdom, understanding, and for God’s pure love to flow through you.  When dealing with students who struggle with their sexual identity, many feel unsure about themselves and about being around their same-sex peers.  Many have several layers of “stuff” built around wounded hearts.  The more you pray for God’s Spirit to pour from you into students, the better prepared you’ll be in this journey.

3. Be aware: this is a journey, not a walk-in-the-park.  Do not bail out on a student once you have begun this journey with them – unless you already have someone to take your place (one that the student already knows and trusts).  Please determine to stay the course.  Too many times, too many people have started to walk with gay teens and have left them standing alone when the going gets tough.  Given that most gay teens have unhealthy relationships, the last thing they need is their youth worker walking out on them too.

4. Be advised: same-sex attraction is mainly about broken relationships between the sexes.  Students need to find and connect with healthy same-sex relationships.  This needs to be done with great discernment and prayer.  Those connected to gay teens should be people who are spiritually mature in their faith. It would be beneficial to use men and women who have gone through some (or all) the struggles the teen is facing.  However, make sure that those adults can handle walking along side a gay teen.

5. Be ready to offer counseling as a means to help your students open up about the pending issues.  Refer students to outside support groups and counseling when needed – and it will be needed.  Also, besides finding the students resources, be sure to find parents resources too.  Family support groups are a big plus in helping parents stay connected with their struggling teen.

6. Be ready to set strict guidelines in your ministry: no gay jokes, no gay puns, no gay anything … it is not cool and it does major damage to those within the group.  Remember the quotes at the beginning of this article.  Gay students are looking for a safe place to plug into.  In saying this, change your vocab – the students follow by example; teach about all sin, not just the-gay-verses; God hates all sin, and no sin is higher than another.

7. Be ready to pray.  And when you have finished praying, pray again.  As said before, the more you invite the Spirit in to your situation to lead and direct you, the greater the results.

The Student

Youth workers need to understand and communicate to students what the overall result is.  Let me first say, the overall result is not to become a manly/womanly heterosexual, getting married, or having kids.  The overall result is simply this: to seek after God’s identity.  At the fall (Gen 3), mankind lost his focus on whose identity he was to be living for – his own vs. God’s.  I firmly believe that one of the main roots to every problem and addiction is the fact that we humans are consumed with finding ourselves that we never seek after our Creator’s image.  Repeatedly Christ has called us to seek after the Father’s heart and to take on HIS identity, so that we can ultimately walk the path laid before us.

True healing and freedom came for me when I gave up my failed pursuits of becoming “straight” – by my definition – and pursued God’s identity and His wholeness.  In that I found the things I longed for.

I am aware that each person and situation is different. Some youth struggling with homosexuality are at a place of desperation and are ready for a ‘leap of faith’; and some are not. While these are steps of action, as youth workers, we need to understand that this journey of healing is a process. We must not give our students false hope, and we ourselves should not rely on false hope. Rather we must believe that God is faithful, His Word is inerrant, and His power is limitless. As we walk in the truth of Jesus’ sanctification, our students who are struggling will follow beside us.

In saying that, here are some essentials that youth workers must communicate to gay teenagers – both within their ministry and outside of it.

1. You are valued. Students need to understand that despite being rejected by other people, there is a God who unconditionally loves them for who they are – no matter what.
2. There is hope. Many students struggling with sexual identity issues honestly believe that they are beyond hope and beyond a life worth living.  Instilling the truth within them that God offers them hope is vital.  Speak of, and help them hold on to, various promises of the Bible.
3. Your life has purpose. With the amount of scars, wounds, abuse, and other negative things piling up against them, many students convince themselves that there is not hope for a better life.  Again, speak God’s truth over them, and help them to embrace the essence of God’s eternal love.
4. You have a name. Nothing creates more damage to one’s soul than a peer constantly referring to you as an adjective (faggot) rather than as a person.  Just because a student is gay or lesbian does not mean that they have to be constantly reminded of it.
5. For those who want to change: Who you were does not define who you will always be. Once Jesus has freed students from their ‘gay life’, He has freed them from all labels, past behaviors, and guilt. They just need to accept it, which is often where a lot of the journey becomes a battleground. God does not see them as homosexuals, rather He sees them as His children, who were once lost but now found.  This principle is one that is hard for the Church to embrace.  Many who walk away from unwanted same-sex attractions are fearful that their past will constantly define their future.  That is not the case – as Paul says, “In Christ we are a new creation,” and further he says, “That is what you used to be, but now you are washed, sanctified and justified in Christ through His Spirit.”
6. For those who want to change: You are embarking on a journey. This journey is going to be tough. Yes, God has freed them from a gay identity, but now the person must continue to walk in that freedom regardless if the road leads into valleys or mountaintops.
7. The overall result is not to be straight, but to become more like Christ.  This is fundamental for all students, youth workers, parents, and mentors to fully understand.  If the focus is on just becoming straight, “self” is the center of that focus.  If the focus is on becoming like Christ, then “Christ” is the center.

The days of wondering if a gay teen might show up to your youth ministries are now over – gay teens are coming to youth ministries.  Therefore, youth workers need to become aware of what to do and how to do it.  I believe following these practical insights are a great start at building a safe and inviting atmosphere for gay teens – actually, all teens.  Here are four great resources that every youth worker (and parent) should read and have on hand:

* 101 Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality – Mike Haley
* The Gay Gospel – Joe Dallas
* God’s Grace and the Homosexual Next Door – Alan Chambers

May the Spirit of our living God transform your heart, your ministries, and the hearts of those who minister to.  May His identity be the wholeness you, and your students, long for above all else.

© 2009 Shawn Harrison, Director of six11 ministries

Have you heard about the Day of Truth? You’ve probably seen announcements about it on the Exodus Youth website and perhaps in our Facebook Group. You may be wondering why Exodus is involved and if you are a student personally struggling with same-sex attractions you may think, “Why should I be involved in the Day of Truth?” If you’re feeling that your participation may not be very beneficial or necessary, that is far from the truth. We encourage you to be involved because you are a valuable and much needed asset to this event. Regardless of if you’re a student who secretly struggles or open about your struggle with same sex attractions, you have so much to offer. Your unique perspective and personal experience with homosexuality can be a much needed asset to helping other Day of Truth participants prepare for the conversations taking place at your school.

As an individual who is fighting same sex struggles and submitting this battle daily to Christ, you bring a different and much needed redemptive viewpoint to other DOT participants. They can learn a lot from your personal battle with this issue and gain a better understanding for those students they are actually trying to reach. You have rejected the world’s answer to homosexuality and are experiencing a new-found freedom through Jesus Christ. You are proof that there is another way! By participating in Day of Truth, you can be an advocate for other hurting and struggling students at your school.

Now, please don’t hear us saying that you should broadcast your battle with homosexuality to your whole school. This certainly may not be the time and place for that, but you don’t have to share your testimony in order to be effective. You can still be a great influence in helping bring understanding and compassion to this issue without divulging your own personal battle.

However, if you feel lead to share your story to the DOT participants and/or the student group you’re involved in, be bold in your freedom and share the redemption you’ve experienced through Christ. Be confident that you’re not alone and there are thousands of other students battling right alongside you all throughout the world. Your story can plant seeds of life into the hearts of the broken and help other Christians see the grace of God in a new and different way.

By participating in Day of Truth you can make a difference. Whether you feel lead to share your story or not, you can be an invaluable asset to other participants and the students they are reaching out to. Hopefully, the conversations will continue beyond this one day event and the Lord will use you to bring real answers and hope to a culture impacted by homosexuality.

For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?

These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.

Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away

SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.

There are bigger issues at work

The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:

“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org

You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.

Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.

The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.

Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing

We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.

The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?

Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.

So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.

Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex

Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?

Everyone’s struggle is different

We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.

For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.

The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).

Identity is Bigger than Feelings

Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.

Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.

“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine

If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).

When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:

“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”

As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.

Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.

God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.

The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.

Know how your choices will affect your future

God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.

More from Joe Dallas:

“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”

This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)

If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.

After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.

Hope for the Road Ahead

So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.

Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.

It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.

God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.

And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.

Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)

The answer is, you can probably relate to those who struggle with SSA a lot more than you think!

If you look at homosexuality on a surface level–simply as sexual and/or romantic desires for the same sex–it’s probably not something you can relate to at all. It’s important to realize, though, that the attractions are not what this struggle is all about. In truth, the underlying issues that someone with SSA needs to deal with are a lot more universal than even they realize.

There are some great resources that thoroughly lay out what the homosexual struggle is all about, but let’s take a quick look at what we’re really trying to understand.

Say you’re a male youth leader who’s never had a same-sex attraction issue in his life. How on earth can you understand a young man who thinks he might be gay? Well, he’s not just dealing with SSA. For years he’s probably been wrestling with:

• a long unmet need for an older man to love, challenge and affirm him in the way dads should.
• a crippling fear that he doesn’t measure up to what a boy–and a man–is supposed to be.
• shame from moments in life when his perceived inadequacy seemed to show.
• negative ideas about women taken from unhealthy examples in family and/or society.
• negative ideas about the masculine role in family and other relationships.
• a need to be accepted as just one of the guys.

Isn’t that stuff you can relate to? The reality is that guys struggling with their sexual identity on a surface level are really dealing with these issues on a heart level. Most guys get lost to some degree on the journey into manhood, and the result is all kinds of sin and struggle. Guys with SSA are the same; they just hold many of those inadequacies a little more deeply in some ways.

Ladies, you may never have considered yourself lesbian or bisexual, but the root issues that sexually confused teen girls face might not be that unfamiliar to you.

• longing for a nurturing, affirming mother-figure
• desire to be beautiful, yet scared of unwanted or dangerous attention that may come as a result
• struggles with healthy boundaries in friendships
• negative feelings about what it means to be desired by a man
• negative feelings about a perceived “role” imposed by society, the Church, etc.

While or brokenness may bear different fruit, it often shares a common root. You may or may not be able to understand how a particular student came to struggle with SSA, but that isn’t what they need most from you anyway.

Exodus ministries, counselors and resources can help young people delve into the deeper issues underlying homosexuality in an effective way. They can also help you become more knowledgeable and comfortable in your role mentoring and teaching these students.

What’s most important, though, is not what you know about their struggle–it’s simply that you know, and that you love them and will walk with them through these first years of their journey, which isn’t even mostly about homosexuality, anyway.

When they need to talk about it, listen. And if they ask a question, “I don’t know” is often a perfectly fine answer. An even better one is, “I don’t know, but let’s ask God, and trust Him, together.”

Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Maybe you’re struggling with same-sex attraction or you know somebody who is. The good news: you’re not alone! Or maybe you heard about Exodus somewhere and just couldn’t believe something like this really existed. In any case, we’re glad you’re here to find answers for yourself. Let’s talk about it:

• What are you guys all about?
• Is God mad at me?
• What does “freedom from homosexuality” really mean?
• So what now?

What are you guys all about?

Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.

Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.

Is God mad at me?

It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!

First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.

The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.

God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.

What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?

What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.

There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.

The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you have difficulty living out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.

No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.

Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way.  For many of us, our struggle began with the strong feeling that we were “different,” we were outsiders who didn’t belong. Little did we know how that belief would shape things to come. But freedom is about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you.

Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.

So what now?

If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!

First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has helpful articles and encouraging testimonies from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.

Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through safe online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an Exodus Member Ministry near you where you can find a counselor or support group.

The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.

You can also search Exodus’ Church Network to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.

There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)

Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Whether you have never acted on your same-sex attractions, have a little bit, or you’ve spent several years proudly declaring “I’m gay,” pursuing freedom from homosexuality is a big decision–and it’s a big journey.The good news: you’re not alone.

What are you guys all about?

Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.

Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.

Is God mad at me?

It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!

First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.

The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.

God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.

What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?

What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.

There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.

The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you find it difficult to live out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.

No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.

Real freedom doesn’t come from just accepting your desires at face value and acting on them. There might be some temporary gratification, sure, but you probably have already experienced some level of dissatisfaction with going that way. Part of you might feel like embracing gayness isn’t giving you what you really wanted in the first place.

Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way. It’s about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you. Sometimes, finding out you were wrong is the best news a person can get.

Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.

So what now?

If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!

First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has helpful articles and encouraging testimonies from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.

Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through Exodus Youth’s safe, online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an Exodus Member Ministry near you where you can find a counselor or support group.

The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.

You can also search Exodus’ Church Network to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.

There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)

Everyone’s body is sexual. Once puberty hits, there are parts of the human body designed to react to stimulation by experiencing pleasure. These body parts–called “erogenous zones”–don’t have a mind of their own. They don’t know who or what is touching them, whether it’s a male or female, or if the situation is right or wrong; they just respond to physical touch the way they are designed to, regardless of circumstance.

If you are exposed to sexual activity in a way God didn’t intend–such as through abuse, or with someone you’re not married to, or someone of the same gender–and your body experiences some degree of pleasure, that does not mean that you are gay, bi or anything else. It does not mean that that sexual experience was right for you. It simply means that your body is working, and that’s all.

Sometimes our emotions can get caught up in these experiences, too, and we have confusing feelings toward people or circumstances when we begin to associate them with sexual pleasure. This is natural because we’re supposed to associate sex with a very special kind of intimacy, the intimacy we have with our life-long spouse. God made us so that our mind and heart would naturally form a special bond to the person with whom we share a sexual connection. This is why God is so adamant that we save sexual activity for marriage, the only kind of relationship where we can safely enjoy that kind of closeness (check out 1st Corinthians 6:15-20).

But God does have a lot to say about how love is expressed in different kinds of relationships. He created sex to be sacred and special, protected and pure. God didn’t give us a bunch of rules to follow because sex is bad or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. He doesn’t want you or me to lose out on the holy mystery He created it for.

Parents love their children, brothers and sisters love each other, and people also love their pets. One married couple can become very close to another married couple within a community. All of these are wonderful, love-filled relationships. I think we can also agree, though, that bringing sex into the expression of any of these loves would not be good. And these are all relationships that the Bible plainly tells us sexuality is not meant for.

The same is true for love between two men or two women. God tells us that that love is not supposed to be sexual (Lev. 18:22, Rom. 1:26-27).

But friendship between people of the same sex is a very important part of life. It’s a theme throughout the Bible; David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, even Jesus loved and cherished his disciples.

The first thing to recognize, then, is that God is not outlawing love, and He’s not trying to deprive us of it, either.

So why do we crave that kind of connection? Well, when sin entered the picture God knew that people would struggle with desires to do things we aren’t supposed to. Why else would He need to tell us not to do them?

The question to ask ourselves is whether our same-sex attraction (SSA) is simply just love, or if perhaps it’s guided by some other things as well?

Many of us who have chosen to walk away from homosexuality have made some pretty big discoveries that helped us understand our feelings and ourselves a lot better. For some, we realized that our sexual and romantic feelings for the same gender were deeply connected to the insecurity we felt about our own gender identity. Others also realized that they had negative (and untrue) perceptions of one or both genders, which inspired them to make promises that shaped how they grew and how they looked at life (e.g. “I’ll never be like dad,” or “I’ll never let a man touch me.”).

In recognizing and addressing these issues in our lives, we’ve found ourselves moving on to relationships that are much more satisfying, healthy and whole than what we experienced before. To us, that’s proof that God knows what He’s talking about.

It’s good to examine your life and ask yourself why you feel the things you do. God wants you to experience the fullness of the person He created you to be, and to accurately reflect the image of Himself that He’s lovingly placed in you. He’s also asking you to trust Him above all–above what our culture says, even above your own feelings.

If you’re like me, all those testimonies from now-married “ex-gays” and those who have been “supernaturally delivered” from their struggle can be more of a frustration than an encouragement. Who can give men like us practical, understanding guidance? In the midst of an ongoing battle, how ought we to think about ourselves, our struggles, our future and our God?

As a single guy who continues to experience h same-sex attractions, these questions matter a heck of a lot to me. The world around me would say, “You’re still gay and nothing can change it! Accepting it is the only thing that will make you happy.” But, my faith in God’s Word-as well as my conviction and my personal experience-tell me otherwise.

The transformation many of us desire is a complete 180-degree turnaround of our sexual attractions; a transformation of our feelings. And let’s be honest, we often hope or expect that this change should occur without much of our own effort or sacrifice. But the Bible tells us that our metamorphosis as Christians happens a different way:

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (emphasis added)

God wants to change the way we think about everything, including this issue. We can’t adopt the world’s point of view and just obey our urges. So how can we transform our thinking in order to gain more freedom? Here are some areas I’m personally growing in that I hope will be an encouragement to you.

Stop Making Unfair Comparisons.
I’ve noticed something interesting among those of us on this journey. It;s the way we label; not how we label people who struggle with SSA, but those who don’t. Sometimes we call them “ever-straights.” Sometimes we just shorten “he doesn’t struggle with homosexuality” down to “he doesn’t struggle.”

“He doesn’t struggle.” Although we say that for the sake of abbreviation, I think it’s literally our attitude sometimes. Those of us with SSA tend to look at people without it as the favored ones-like they’re breezing through life, easily attaining maturity and enjoying blissful intimacy while we’re struggling to hold our fragile pieces together.

Sure, our struggle is a little bit different, but everybody’s broken and everyone has a hard time living in purity and authentic intimacy-especially when it comes to marriage. Many of Exodus’s Member Ministries serve people with all kinds of sexual brokenness issues, including heterosexuals. What I’ve learned from years of growing alongside these men is that we are so much alike. This woe-is-me mindset frustrates us and kills our hope; and it’s a lie.

“But, Mike,” you might say, “they’re allowed to follow their feelings and urges, and marry whoever they want.”

Um, no they’re not. Every man deals with feelings and urges that pull him away from God’s explicit will for our sexuality. Or did you think other Christian men’s sex drives always cooperate with them in abstaining until marriage, and then staying faithful? They too struggle with wandering and lustful eyes, curiosity about other people, the fleeting infatuations. They have to crucify the flesh daily, just like you and me.

“Ever-straights” may even face a few hazards that you and I don’t. Our battle with homosexuality is much more apparent, and the spiritual leaders in our lives have an easy time spotting unhealthy relationships we may get into. But, for the opposite-sex struggler, relationships based on lust and/or unhealthy dependencies can sometimes slip under the radar, masking as romance. They may be able to pursue their flesh with more leniency, but don’t think they don’t pay for it! I consider myself lucky to have begun dealing with my intimacy and identity issues before jumping into the most important relationship of my life.

And they can’t marry whoever they want; “ever-straights” still face rejection, disappointments, and the melancholy longing after someone they can never have. They also have to grow and get over it. We are all called to love and pursue godly intimacy in a world that is decidedly ungodly. Everyone struggles.

Stop obsessing about how much you will (or won’t) enjoy heterosexual sex.
You’ve thought about it, and so have I. What if I don’t enjoy sex with my spouse? What if I still want to have sex with other men (or women, if you’re a woman)? The skeptics certainly say all the time that we “ex-gays” only have sexually frustrated lives ahead of us.

We often say the opposite of homosexuality isn’t heterosexuality, it’s holiness. That means God is calling us away from a me-centered life, including a me-centered sexuality. We’ve spent a lot of time programming ourselves through fantasy, masturbation, pornography and encounters to be utterly selfish with our sexuality. Marriage is the absolute antithesis of that.

The Bible tells us that once we are married our body actually belongs to our spouse. If you haven’t lived with that attitude in singleness, it’s not going to come naturally once you say your vows. The best way to be ready is by following this other Biblical command: to offer your body as a living sacrifice to God, because it ultimately belongs to Him.

People often ask me if I have sexual fantasies about women now, because that’s what the world would consider change. But God wants me to change not into a man who still wraps himself up in self-absorbed fantasy, but one who’s ready to put my wife before myself-and put Him first.

Afraid you won’t enjoy the sex? Well, if your priority is your own satisfaction and the living out of your overly-developed obsessions, no, you won’t enjoy the intimacy of sex within marriage. You know what? Neither would an “ever-straight” with the same mindset. They might be able to marry according to their worldly desires, but it will never fulfill the endless hunger of selfishness. Real closeness grows out of commitment to a person, and following God’s will.

Don’t worry; sex God’s way will be the best.

Quit letting your temptations dictate your identity.
Ongoing temptation makes it so difficult to see ourselves for who we are, growing in Christ. We’ve started to recognize our convictions and the truth of Scripture, and to obey it, but then we see something that triggers our fleshly desires and we feel swept away. Sometimes it feels like picking up that card in a board game that says, “Go Back to Start.”

So the world laughs at us for still seeking healing in change, in spite of the struggle it is. Sometimes even our fellow Christians look down on us, or doubt there really is any hope for change. All of it can make those voices from eons ago come rushing back, calling us fag, queer, dyke. How can I escape this identity? At times it would seem to make more sense to just give in to the idea that this is who I really am.

But God has put this truth in my heart that keeps repeating itself to me: homosexuality is an experience you have, it’s not a thing that you are. I know my SSA developed out of a deficit of male love growing up, and my insecurity in my own masculinity. It’s not a legitimate way to experience intimacy, or fulfill the desire for oneness with another that God has placed in all of us.

I also am confident that when God said, “Do not practice homosexuality,” he wasn’t switching gears from ‘Loving God’ to ‘Rule-Making, Fun-Hating God.’ His commands come from his loving heart, the same heart that sent his Son to save me.

The fact that temptation remains is only to be expected, for many reasons. First of all because while my sinful nature is fading away to make room for Christ’s new life-and it is-I will not be fully free of it until Heaven.

Secondly, I certainly spent a lot of time indulging my homosexual desire-and using it as a defense mechanism. For several of the most formative years of my life, I drowned every disappointment, sorrow and insecurity in pornography, fantasy and sexual partners. Jesus’ forgiveness erases my guilt, but not my memory. When hard times come, some part of me will always remember that that stuff once numbed my pain.

The good news is, that’s all it ever was: an illusion I used to protect myself. Now, armed with the truth and with a God who loves me cares about my problems, I can choose to deal with my pain rightly.

Do what you know you should be doing.
Like you, I can’t stand preachers who self-righteously blast us from the pulpit, as though we could just flip a switch and make our struggle go away. Even the temptations that fall into our path are not so easily avoided.

But you know what? God’s made me realize that I haven’t been willing to admit it when it is that easy. Let’s face it: we like our sin. That doesn’t mean we’re truly gay inside. That means we are people who continue to struggle with our sinfulness, just like everyone (can I make this point enough?).

Is the internet a temptation? Why do you still have access to it when you don’t have to? Get accountability software. Give your wireless card to a friend so you can only go online when they’re around. Have a friend, parent or mentor install a blocker and set the password. Get that DSL connection out of your bedroom. Whatever excuse you’re using to keep that temptation there-need it for work, personal webpage, etc.-it’s not worth it.

Do you really have to hang out with your gay friends? You know what it does to you, and you know you’re not “being a light” to them. You will feel the loss of that acceptance, and you may face the heat of their anger. Deal with it. God will provide healthy, godly new friendships for you in time. You’re hanging onto the old ones for the sake of your flesh, and you have to let go.

Feeling convicted about an unhealthy relationship? Tell a mentor or counselor, or a trustworthy and mature friend. Figure out what boundaries you need to set up, or whether you need to cut it off completely, and take care of it.

Having trouble finding a mentor, or relationships that provide encouragement and accountability? Show some initiative! Offer encouragement and accountability to others, and see if it doesn’t come back to you. If you hit brick walls, don’t give up and whine. Keep asking, keep looking. If you have to move on to another church, then move on.

So if your eye-even your good eye-causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29

There’s nothing worth missing our abundant life in Christ for. And there’s too much we don’t know to waste time neglecting what we do know. Start being the person you want to be, and making the choices you’ve always wished you would make. You know what you should be doing. Do it.