Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

Ultimately you must search your own heart with God’s help to determine if it is sin or not.  The best way to tell is by asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin for you.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, masturbation may possibly be permissible, but what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

“I think my son wants to be a girl,” the  father blurted out through tear-filled eyes as he entered my office.  He was an enthusiastic father, an articulate, well-educated man, with a passion for God and truth. His wife was with him, tears streaming from her face as she saw the pain in her husband’s heart.  She was a gentle mother with a deep passion for her family and an even deeper passion for the Lord.

“How old is your boy?” I asked.

“He is five and this has been going on for two years.”

…

How do you know that your son wants to be a girl?” I asked. The dad’s response was one that I had heard before and in many ways, was indicative of the confusion I feel exists with gender development in sensitive boys.  The dad began to tell me a myriad of examples where the son was drawn to things the father identified as female:  “He is fascinated with women’s shoes.  He puts his t-shirt over his head and pretends he has long hair.  He loves to touch his mother’s silk nightgowns.  He is fascinated with Ariel in the Little Mermaid and often wants to be her.”

With a quiver in his voice he stated, “And he put on his mothers skirt and was twirling around like a girl. I told him not to do that because that was like a girl!”

This is an issue I have had to think about recently.  A wonderful, concerned mother sent me an email a few weeks ago asking about her five year old son’s peculiar behavior.  He was indeed doing some of the things the boy mentioned in the article was doing.  They were concerned for him, wondering whether he would turn out gay or not.  The truth is, God created him with he temperament and there isn’t anything gay about his interests.  I really like what Ricky says about sensitive boys.

Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.  His little boy’s obsession with women’s shoes were not because he wanted to be a girl, but more because he was aesthetically and visually oriented–and women’s shoes are much more visually exciting than the black, brown or burgundy of men’s shoes.  Women’s shoes have sparkles, bobbles and bows. They come in every color imaginable and are in different shapes and textures. They are an aesthetically gifted boy’s dream!  And he was not trying to identify as a girl when he grabbed his mother’s skirt, put it on, and twirled around.  To him, it was similar to our experience of going to the fair and doing drop art projects where we drop paint on a spinning paper and watch it splatter, but even better. As he moved, he created art and beauty as the colors whirled around him and flowed up and down in the air.  Better yet, he was the center of it all!

I believe any and all of these things can open a path down the road to homosexual feelings IF the parents do not respond in a proper way.  I, myself, fell into this category as a boy.  My favorite movie was actually The Little Mermaid.  I wanted to be Ariel so very badly.  I played with barbie dolls and played dress up.  My parents never scolded me or treated me any differently.  But what I remember is absence of my father in those situations.  I was honestly left to the labels of the world in defining and shaping my perception of myself as a boy.  Without God’s view of masculinity and femininity, I was viewed as ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘gay’.  With the direct influence of my father, guiding my desires and passions, while confirming the masculine inside of me, perhaps same-sex attraction would have never developed in me.

Ricky goes on to discuss the characteristics that sensitive boys tend to have, how their personality, passions and interests can cause pain and marginalization, because the world has a warped and limited perception of masculinity and femininity.  I love the last bit on how to parent and love a sensitive soul.

Affirm the child’s gifting as inherently masculine.  Ballet dancers are men just as much as construction workers, policemen, or actors.  Find ways to see the strength, the initiative, and the drive in what he does and affirm it.  Don’t fall prey to the stereotype that only certain gifts should be possessed by men and others are feminine.  Let the child know he is a man when he does what he has been gifted to do.

Learn to see the world through his eyes.  You will need to practice changing your vision to do this.  Your son sees a world of color and texture, beauty and tragedy, drama and resolution.  All of life is indeed a stage for him.  When you go on a camping trip he may not be as interested in shooting the gun as in pointing binoculars at the myriad of birds and small creatures he sees around him and trying to identify what they are.  He can become mesmerized by the structure, color, and texture of shells on the sea shore or sit for hours observing the ebb and flow of the tide and marvel at how the water changes from emerald to azure over the sandbars. Realize that everything in his world is important to him and somehow connected to him.  He notices nuance and subtlety.  He sees beauty.  You celebrate this and seek to see it too.

I could equate this segment to, loving your child for who they are and not who you want them to be.  I love the emphasis Ricky places on celebrating your child, understanding where they are coming from, and enjoying their interests and perceptions of the world.  A boy may respond very differently to a camping experience than his father, and that’s okay.  It’s always important to remember that children are easily shapeable people.  Their early years are pivotal and foundational in identity development.  If a father celebrates and nurtures the true God-given talents and gifts his son has, the boy will be shaped into a very confident, bold, and artistically talented individual.

Ricky closes with a paragraph on the splendid gift a sensitive boy is to his family.

If you have a sensitive son, know that you have been given a great gift. Though they can have difficulty fitting in at school, they are generally great students, good boys and often will excel in college or  university.  They can develop into amazing men of God who can radically change the world and affect the Kingdom!  They are the Billy Grahams, the Martin Luther King, Jrs., the Mozarts and the Handels of their generation.  It is no wonder they are so targeted by the evil one and tormented by peers. They are world-changes and life-givers. They are the preachers, musicians, artists, dancers, creators and visionaries of our day. Raise them well and bless the Kingdom and the world!

There is so much in this article that resonates with me personally that there just isn’t enough space to take up right now for it.  This is a great reminder of what truly defines masculinity and femininity – our Creator.  The world has these put in boxes, and a very rigid mold a boy and girl have to fit in.  If they don’t, they are labeled as different.  It is indeed obvious why the evil one targets these bright people.  A God-given talent and passion is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  The world has beaten up so many souls because their own soul and creative being didn’t fit the mold.  So another was cast for many – one labeled gay, different, sissy.

This is an exhortation for parents to enjoy their children for who they are, what they like, and what makes them passionate.  This is an encouragement for them to bless the masculinity of their boy who may be more interested in painting and writing, than sports and playing power rangers.  This is also an encouragement for those guys who read this and relate so much to the sensitivity of the boy described here.  You are not weird, you’re not girlie or a sissy.  God created you to bring glory to Himself through the gifts He has given you.  Don’t allow the world or it’s labels to crush the fire that is in you or strip you of your masculinity.  As Ricky states, Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.

Check out Randy’s post about it here.

I never felt shame as an abuse victim, mainly because I didn’t think I was abused.  I just saw those few instances as mere opportunities for an older guy to provide me what I was already hungry for.  I was just as responsible for what happened as he was, I thought.  It was merely an experience in the past with no consequences to my soul or well-being.  Having gone through a recovery program I should have known better.

After almost six years of walking away from a homosexual identity, the reality of those experiences hit me.  I’ve been working with a counselor for the last six months, and in the early stages of our meetings, the topic of what happened with the older guy came up.  As I tried to minimize the actions that took place, my counselor reacted in a way that shocked me.  He acted as if the sexual encounters with this older guy were consequential and influential in how I interact and relate to the world around me.  

The weeks after that I began to come to the point of accepting the fact that I had been sexually abused.  It wasn’t something that I had control over.  Though the experiences felt good and provided for a need that I had, enjoying it did not make me responsible for what happened.  I was a young, naive, ten year old starving for male affection.  Understanding this allowed me to see the encounters for what they were.

I began to accept the idea that I had been sexually abused, but I still struggled with the idea of it really having an impact on my life.  Of course I had issues, but I didn’t believe they stemmed from the few encounters I had with the older guy.  But, as I began to read and learn more about sexual abuse, I was able to see how it made a profound impression on me.  Sexual abuse survivors are usually skeptical of everyone – Bingo!  Sexual abuse survivors have a hard time trusting people – Right here!  These two characteristics describe me exactly.  I’ve had trust issues with people for as long as I can remember, and I’m always skeptical of people – the ones I know and the ones I don’t know.  I really believe this has hindered me from building relationships with more people.

Can there be anything else God?  That’s what I’d ask.  Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people?  Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again.  I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood.  The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?

I didn’t want to go to God.  I was tired of being hurt.  So I was going to handle everything on my own.  This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage.  Why did God fail me?  I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to.

Have you ever found yourself in that position?  It’s as if you are tired of being powerless and no longer want to be dependent on anyone, because that leaves you violated.  I was powerless with the older guy and was violated.  I was dependent on God, and felt violated by Him.  This put me in a place of turning inward, trusting myself.  This was the easier and “safer” thing to do.  But instead of growing and healing, I spiraled downwards into my own despair.  The very source of my life had become the disdain of my soul.  But in running from the Source, I was running from my own healing.

So many times I hear people saying that the Lord didn’t cause this traumatic experience in your life, He merely allowed it to happen to use for the good of His Kingdom in the future; or He was there in the midst of the pain – He was there weeping tears of pain in those situations.  I can’t really say that right now regarding my sexual abuse.  I’m not at a place to really see that yet.  Honestly the wounds are still very raw, and I do hurt, still questioning why God allowed this to happen.  But I’ve learned through the couple of months of pure pain and desperation, that I can’t walk this out alone, and if you’ve been abused you can’t either.

How can you trust when you’ve been violated?  It’s a process I’m still walking through.  Whether you’ve been abused sexually or not, we are all marred with some kind of violation to our bodies and souls.  It’s easy to project our own concept of God on to Him, when in reality He is a being far bigger and mysterious to even grasp, much less label with our own notions of who God is.  He’s not a violator like my abuser.  He’s not a broken human being like so many that have caused emotional scarring in me, and I in them.  He’s a creator of life; He’s love; He’s father; He’s your protector.

Psalm 18:1-2 says this:

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” (emphasis added).

I can’t tell you that I’m at peace with the fact that I was abused.  I can’t tell you that He allowed this to happen to bring glory and honor to Himself.  But I can tell you that I can’t heal from this violation without Him.  Though I found myself in a place of unbelief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, I can tell you now that He is faithful and a stronghold for our protection.  I know it grieves His heart when any form of brokenness is acted out on His precious children.  And I know that He is a restorer.  I couldn’t restore myself to wholeness…even if I tried.  I need a redeemer to redeem the darkness of my past.  We all do.

Trusting is hard when you’ve been violated.  But I know the one who was violated himself on our behalf (Isaiah 53:5) is the person to trust in this dark time you may be facing.  Believe in who God says He is and allow yourself to fall vulnerable before the one who will never violate or forsake you.  Barricade yourself in the one who is your shield, strength, and stronghold.  Trusting when you’ve  been violated in the one who redeems will truly bring about restoration and healing in your life.

Knowing the Holy Spirit is present and active when you share your stories, compassion, and the truth, can reduce any stress or fear you have.  This no longer is about what you can do.  Realizing the Holy Spirit is active allows you to step back and allow Him to move.  Sharing on the Day of Truth then becomes what the Holy Spirit can do in and through you.  You don’t have to change people.  You can trust the Lord to use the message of truth you share to impact your peers in His way and in His time.

There’s a familiar saying that I think is important to remember:  You must catch the fish first before you can clean it.  So many people think that homosexuals have to change before they step foot into church – Jesus never demonstrated that.  He never demanded the broken to change before coming to Him.  He knew their need – it was Christ, himself.  He invited them to come to Him and through that interaction He propelled change in their lives. That’s the way it is with our gay friends!  We bring them to Jesus, and then He sets the work of transformation in their lives in His own timing.

Our duty is to meet them right where they are, walk with them, and encourage them.  We can’t be the Holy Spirit in their lives.  But we can be friends who speak truth in love and trust Christ to do the healing work.  He’s the only one who can.  Believing the power of the Holy Spirit will greatly impact how you relate.  Knowing you don’t have to do it all on your own provides a huge relief.  You can allow the Holy Spirit to work and you will begin to see that He isn’t only changing your friend’s life, but you too are being changed in the process.

You’ll find that you aren’t the only one to be an impact in your friend’s life.  When I was in the early stages of walking free from a homosexual identity I didn’t think I could offer anything.  People could pour into me, but there wasn’t anything in me to pour out into others.  But as relationships grew and strengthened I found that my friend was being poured into as well.  We were both being blessed and changed through our friendship.  One friend even began to share his struggles more openly with another friend and me because I had been so vulnerable with my struggle with homosexuality.  So be open and willing to receive whatever the Lord has for you through any relationships that may come about.

We are all on a journey.  Some of us are just a few steps ahead of others.  Some actually have a heading, while others are still lost and wandering with no direction.  We, as Christians, have direction and we are to find the wanderers and point them to our heading – Christ. No matter if we are maturing Christians, new Christians, or ones that have not yet found Christ, God has some growing to do in all of us.  He’ll begin to transform your struggling, gay-identified friend, but don’t miss out on the change He wants to do in your life too!

I’ve heard countless stories from students who have participated in previous Day of Truth events that paint a rather harsh picture.  Students have been criticized and humiliated in front of their classmates by teachers – teachers who have fallen prey to pro-gay rhetoric and have lost understanding of what tolerance truly means.  Depending on your school atmosphere, you may very well experience the same kind of condemnation, anger, and judgment.  How will you handle the guards that may be thrown up to counteract your message, or the offensive attacks that may pop up when you participate?

Experiencing pressure and personal attack because you want to dialogue and share your own beliefs on homosexuality can be discouraging and even scary.  It can be difficult to stand up for a belief that is constantly pounded by waves of skepticism, anger, and ideology that what you believe is a load of crock.  When facing such negative feedback, it’s important to keep everything in perspective.  There are some important things to remember if and when you experience resistance to your desire to dialogue and share counter-culture truths.

Don’t take the attack personally.  This can be so hard to do.  Our emotions and identity can be hindered if we allow what other people say to have power over us.  When you speak truth, the world is not going to understand or easily swallow it.  There will always be opposition to the truth. You’ll probably even experience some hatred.  Christ tells us that if the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated Him first.  He has chosen you out of the world and that is why the world hates you (John 14:18-19).

By living out of the reality that we are in Christ, this separates us from the world.  We experience opposition because we walk in the Truth and the world pulls so far against the Truth.  If the world hated Christ, it certainly will hate those who proclaim Him.  So don’t take it personally.  Be confident in your identity in Christ.  He is the one who called you and He is the one who will protect you.  Know that He has your back and rejoices in the fact that you are trusting in His favor, strength, and wisdom in sharing the gospel message with students who desperately need Him!

Remember whom you are fighting for and against.  We are all guilty of being competitive sometimes in our lives.  It seems to be our natural tendency to become defensive and argue for the sake of being right when someone attacks our views.  Remember the Day of Truth is not about arguing, even if it’s tempting to prove classmates or teachers wrong who criticize you.  On DoT, and hopefully the many days after, you are fighting for the very people who may be judging you.  The reason you participate in this event is to fight for the freedom that Christ offers to those in your schools who are gay-identified or are struggling in secrecy.

Fighting for their freedom means promoting respectful dialogue and conversation.  If someone tries to argue with you, “It is honorable to refrain from strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).  Though some people may not be willing to respectfully dialogue and may become abrasive, don’t give into quarreling.  You want to reach and minister to people, not turn them away.  There may be instances where you must stand your ground and confront a person who is going too far with criticism.  But don’t fall prey to arguing just to prove your rightness. Keep persevering and fighting the good fight.  After all, you’re not trying to win an argument, but win souls.  Look past the anger and see the person that God loves very much.

While you fight for those who may be coming against you, remember you are fighting against something far greater than flesh and blood. “Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:11-12).  It’s hard to do sometimes, especially when you are in the midst of crossfire, but keep a Kingdom perspective.  While it seems you may be fighting against gay-identified students and those who support homosexuality, you really aren’t.  There is a dark force at work in the world, and you are bringing the Truth to combat the schemes of the true enemy.  Keeping this perspective can help you with any situation you may face when a fellow student or teacher attacks your message.

Know that it’s worth it! Hopefully the reality of what some students face on the Day of Truth is not a discouragement for you. This can be a heated topic to address with others, but it is paramount to begin these discussions with your peers.  I was a struggling teenager who desperately needed to hear the redemptive side of homosexuality.  The persecution you may face will be well worth it if only a few seeds are planted, even if you never see the final results of a life forever changed.  You may just reach that one struggling student who is starving for a better answer to his homosexual feelings.

Your perseverance and boldness in proclaiming the truth will impact your school and your witness.  Be encouraged to know that God is behind you and is rooting for you.  He will bless your courageous acts in ways that you may not ever see.  You will not only be sharing the freedom and hope in Christ, but also advancing the Kingdom – and that is huge!  Know that participating in the Day of Truth you are making a great impact for the King and the Kingdom.  Realizing that, makes it all worth it!  2 Corinthians 4:8-10 states, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies.”  We are the visible representation of Christ and will make Him known through our own humiliation at times.  So, be encouraged knowing that you are sharing a life-changing, life-giving, message.

Place yourself in the shoes of a gay-identified, or homosexually struggling peer.  Imagine you grew up feeling different and alienated from your same-sex peers.  You’ve struggled with feelings and attractions towards the same-sex for as long as you can remember.  Out of shame or guilt, you’ve hidden it from your family, friends, church leaders, and the world around you.  The last thing you want is for anyone to know your “secret” as you pray night after night for God to free you of this struggle.  You wonder how this even happened and why, out of all the things you could struggle with, homosexuality has to be your struggle.  You didn’t choose to have these attractions; they just developed and you feel like there is no way to make it all go away.  These are the kinds of things that characterize a person’s life who is dealing with same sex feelings and attractions.  Once you can get an idea of what they are going through, hopefully you are able to view them in a different light.  They are no longer “sick” people who choose to have these feelings.  They are dealing with temptations and sin.  As Paul writes in Romans 7: 15, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”  We certainly can find commonality in that!

Homosexuality is no greater sin than any other sinful behaviors or “trivial” sins such as lying or gossiping.  As the old saying goes, the ground is level at the foot of the Cross.  Everyone is given the same opportunity at the foot of the Cross to receive forgiveness of our sinful behavior along with a new identity and strength to live a life free of the bondage of sin.  Knowing this can help Christians, who may not struggle in this particular area of temptation or sin, relate to those who do.

Relating…It Can Happen
I’ve often heard from gay-identified students that Christians have no understanding of what it’s like to have these attractions and feelings.   That certainly isn’t true!  While you may not be able to relate to their specific struggle or attraction, you can definitely relate to their struggle with humanity and sinful nature.  We can all relate to being tempted, falling short, and even giving up when the battle simply becomes too difficult.  A majority of Christians have found themselves in bondage to one sin or another at some point in their lives.  So relating to those with same-sex attractions isn’t impossible.

I remember joining a men’s sexual integrity group at my church a few years ago, thinking I wouldn’t find any help or healing through this group.  Only one other guy and I were dealing with homosexuality.  I thought “Surely, I couldn’t relate with the other guys in the group and they couldn’t relate to me.”  But the longer I stayed in the group, the more I realized that I had made a false assumption about these guys.  I never felt ostracized or judged when I talked about my struggle, because the other guys knew and understood that we were in this thing together.  No matter what the particular attraction was, we were all dealing with sexual brokenness – lust, temptation, and habitual sins.

I learned through that great group of men that it is possible to relate to someone dealing with homosexuality even if you have never had a homosexual thought in your life.  You see, those men realized we were dealing with the same struggles with temptation and sin, just in our own unique ways. Together we realized that this was merely Satan’s attempt at keeping us from experiencing true intimacy with Christ, embracing our true identity in Christ, and recognizing the righteous authority we’ve been give to live a life of freedom.   A lot of my personal healing took place in this group, because I was able to see that not only could they relate to me, but I could also relate to them.

In reaching out, don’t allow a wall of unfamiliarity to divide you from peers who either struggle with or embrace homosexuality.  You’re not that different!  It’s important to realize and share your own shortcomings and struggles.  This can help you meet them in and through your own brokenness.  Be vulnerable about your own struggles, about difficulties you face or have faced, and how we all need a Savior to forgive us and help us daily fight temptations that aim to keep us from experiencing God’s best for our lives.  Vulnerability breeds vulnerability and the more you open up and show authenticity, the more your gay-identified friend will open up.  This will allow you the opportunity to speak into his or her life, understand how to pray for them, and hopefully witness God’s transforming power at work in all of our lives.

What if accountability was meant to be more than that? Check out this great article over at the Boundless webzine:

Discouraging Accountability by John Thomas

My friend and I may not have had a lesbian relationship, but we had an emotionally dependent relationship that was unhealthy and stifling.  It left no room for any other friendships.  We depended on each other to the point that we became possessive and jealous if anyone else tried to join our exclusive group of two.  The nature of our friendship became a pattern of idolatry – nothing in our lives mattered more than each other.  When eventually something did matter more than our friendship, namely my college education, our friendship disintegrated into a pile of hurt feelings that led to petty acts of revenge.

Friendships are beautiful when they are meant for the uplifting and edification of each other.  When we want what is best for the other person and are not just trying to get our own emotional needs met, then we are truly a friend.  But often, we aren’t looking out for the best interests of our friend, we are looking to get from them whatever is lacking in our own lives.  We want the other person to be there for us no matter what.  But what if someone else comes along who wants to form a friendship with our friend and spend time with her.  How do we respond?  Are we generous and giving?  Are we willing to spend less time with our friend so she can pursue her dreams and have more well-rounded and healthy relationships instead of focusing on just one, which can be stifling?

I have no doubt that you love your friend.  I love my sister and consider her to be one of my best friends, but that doesn’t mean that we’re lesbians.  Gay activists have tried to say that Ruth and Naomi in the Bible were lesbians because Ruth was dedicated to her mother-in-law and wanted to accompany her back to Judah.  But there is nothing in the Bible to suggest that Ruth’s love for Naomi was sexual, and there is nothing to suggest that a deep friendship that includes self-giving and sacrifice for the sake of your friend’s well-being is the result of homosexual feelings.

God intended for us to have friendships to support one another and see each other become the people that God intended us to be.  This goes wrong when we sexualize our feelings for our friends, when we expect them to meet our every need or when we attempt to meet their every need.  As a community of believers and the body of Christ, we are to freely give our friendship to a variety of people and accept the friendship of others in the same way.  When a friendship becomes exclusive and limiting, it can no longer be called “friendship,” no matter how you “feel” about your friend.  In the end, this type of “friendship” is nothing more than bondage.

Resources

You might want to check out one of these resources about emotional dependency – they explain the problem, help you see if this is a problem in your life, and provide practical advice on getting out.

Emotional Dependency

Emotional Dependency for Guys

The answer is, you can probably relate to those who struggle with SSA a lot more than you think!

If you look at homosexuality on a surface level–simply as sexual and/or romantic desires for the same sex–it’s probably not something you can relate to at all. It’s important to realize, though, that the attractions are not what this struggle is all about. In truth, the underlying issues that someone with SSA needs to deal with are a lot more universal than even they realize.

There are some great resources that thoroughly lay out what the homosexual struggle is all about, but let’s take a quick look at what we’re really trying to understand.

Say you’re a male youth leader who’s never had a same-sex attraction issue in his life. How on earth can you understand a young man who thinks he might be gay? Well, he’s not just dealing with SSA. For years he’s probably been wrestling with:

• a long unmet need for an older man to love, challenge and affirm him in the way dads should.
• a crippling fear that he doesn’t measure up to what a boy–and a man–is supposed to be.
• shame from moments in life when his perceived inadequacy seemed to show.
• negative ideas about women taken from unhealthy examples in family and/or society.
• negative ideas about the masculine role in family and other relationships.
• a need to be accepted as just one of the guys.

Isn’t that stuff you can relate to? The reality is that guys struggling with their sexual identity on a surface level are really dealing with these issues on a heart level. Most guys get lost to some degree on the journey into manhood, and the result is all kinds of sin and struggle. Guys with SSA are the same; they just hold many of those inadequacies a little more deeply in some ways.

Ladies, you may never have considered yourself lesbian or bisexual, but the root issues that sexually confused teen girls face might not be that unfamiliar to you.

• longing for a nurturing, affirming mother-figure
• desire to be beautiful, yet scared of unwanted or dangerous attention that may come as a result
• struggles with healthy boundaries in friendships
• negative feelings about what it means to be desired by a man
• negative feelings about a perceived “role” imposed by society, the Church, etc.

While or brokenness may bear different fruit, it often shares a common root. You may or may not be able to understand how a particular student came to struggle with SSA, but that isn’t what they need most from you anyway.

Exodus ministries, counselors and resources can help young people delve into the deeper issues underlying homosexuality in an effective way. They can also help you become more knowledgeable and comfortable in your role mentoring and teaching these students.

What’s most important, though, is not what you know about their struggle–it’s simply that you know, and that you love them and will walk with them through these first years of their journey, which isn’t even mostly about homosexuality, anyway.

When they need to talk about it, listen. And if they ask a question, “I don’t know” is often a perfectly fine answer. An even better one is, “I don’t know, but let’s ask God, and trust Him, together.”

But God does have a lot to say about how love is expressed in different kinds of relationships. He created sex to be sacred and special, protected and pure. God didn’t give us a bunch of rules to follow because sex is bad or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. He doesn’t want you or me to lose out on the holy mystery He created it for.

Parents love their children, brothers and sisters love each other, and people also love their pets. One married couple can become very close to another married couple within a community. All of these are wonderful, love-filled relationships. I think we can also agree, though, that bringing sex into the expression of any of these loves would not be good. And these are all relationships that the Bible plainly tells us sexuality is not meant for.

The same is true for love between two men or two women. God tells us that that love is not supposed to be sexual (Lev. 18:22, Rom. 1:26-27).

But friendship between people of the same sex is a very important part of life. It’s a theme throughout the Bible; David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, even Jesus loved and cherished his disciples.

The first thing to recognize, then, is that God is not outlawing love, and He’s not trying to deprive us of it, either.

So why do we crave that kind of connection? Well, when sin entered the picture God knew that people would struggle with desires to do things we aren’t supposed to. Why else would He need to tell us not to do them?

The question to ask ourselves is whether our same-sex attraction (SSA) is simply just love, or if perhaps it’s guided by some other things as well?

Many of us who have chosen to walk away from homosexuality have made some pretty big discoveries that helped us understand our feelings and ourselves a lot better. For some, we realized that our sexual and romantic feelings for the same gender were deeply connected to the insecurity we felt about our own gender identity. Others also realized that they had negative (and untrue) perceptions of one or both genders, which inspired them to make promises that shaped how they grew and how they looked at life (e.g. “I’ll never be like dad,” or “I’ll never let a man touch me.”).

In recognizing and addressing these issues in our lives, we’ve found ourselves moving on to relationships that are much more satisfying, healthy and whole than what we experienced before. To us, that’s proof that God knows what He’s talking about.

It’s good to examine your life and ask yourself why you feel the things you do. God wants you to experience the fullness of the person He created you to be, and to accurately reflect the image of Himself that He’s lovingly placed in you. He’s also asking you to trust Him above all–above what our culture says, even above your own feelings.