Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

Ultimately you must search your own heart with God’s help to determine if it is sin or not.  The best way to tell is by asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin for you.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, masturbation may possibly be permissible, but what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

As I walked into that support group for the first time I came with one solitary question. From reading the scriptures I understood homosexuality was wrong. 1st Corinthians 6:9-10 made clear that “homosexual offenders” were not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. For me it didn’t feel like a choice, the way other sins like prostitution or witchcraft were… I thought as long as I was attracted to men I was not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. I also read in the Gospels accounts of Jesus walking through town healing the lame, blind and deaf even raising people from the dead. My question to the leadership at the group was: “If being gay means I’m going to hell… and if Jesus can heal me… why am I still gay?”

Here is what I’ve learned along the way.

1. When the Bible speaks about homosexuality, its talking about a behavior not a person. When we read the Bible, we look at it through our own cultural filter. We see words such as “homosexual” and think “gay.” what is sad is that today “gay” defines a person not just a behavior. But that was not the case when it was written. The word “homosexual” didn’t even exist until the late 1800s when Karl Maria Kertbenny coined the term “homosexual” to describe someone attracted to the same sex. I struggled because I thought Homosexual was someone I was, not something I did… I felt condemned by my own existence. All other sins were a choice… Prostitution was a choice, idolotry was a choice, slander was a choice… but being gay wasn’t a choice. I had to learn that the Bible wasn’t condemning me because I was struggling, it was condemning an action that very much was a choice.

2.God cares more about your character than He does about your convenience: It is true that God can do anything; what I overlooked was His will. Yes, we see instances in the Bible where God heals people of infirmities, but it is far more common in scripture that His people go through tribulation and temptation. In Romans 8:28, after being told that there is no condemnation in Christ, Paul reassures us that “all things work for the Good of those who love God.” In 2nd Corinthians 3:18 we are told that ultimately we are being transformed into the likeness of God. Would this be accomplished if God simply took my struggle with homosexuality away? Probably not! As people who don’t struggle with homosexuality are also in need of being transformed into the image of God. Rather, God can take my struggle with homosexuality, and make it serve His purpose of drawing me closer to Him. Even Paul speaks of a “thorn in his flesh” which he pleaded for God to take away three times to which God replied “my grace is sufficient for you.” If God did not take the temptations (whatever they were) away from Paul, why should I expect Him to take away mine?

3. lastly, I had to be reminded of a truth that is found throughout the Bible. God does not promise His believers that life will be easy. In fact quite the opposite. In John 16:33 Christ tells his followers “In this world, you will have trouble.” I was living in the false assumption that following God was going to make all my struggles go away. But we should be encouraged because Christ goes on to say “But take heart, for I have overcome the world!” The idea of God as my cosmic concierge, solving my problems and granting me my every wish is very much a modern western idea. Its microwave Christianity. Its prosperity Gospel and it simply is not scriptural. What is scriptural is that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That in all our temptations he provides grace and strength to resist. That He loves us. As a good friend once told me “God never promised that it would be easy, He only promised that it would be worth it!”

All that to say, be encouraged. God does not condemn you. He does have a plan, and will use even this to draw you close to Him. If you face temptation, know that He loves you and promised He will never leave you nor forsake you, draw near to Him and He will draw near to you… It may not be easy, but He is totally worth it!

I want to give you a way of thinking about Vision that will pull your recovery from sexual addictions into the future. My heart is to share a few ideas about areas where you can pay attention and with following-through, enrich the process of recovery with greater meaning, radical redemption, and down-right Kingdom authority. I also want to warn you about some common challenges to Vision to help you anticipate how the enemy will try and take you off your God-ordained course.

The bible is clear: “Without a Vision, people will perish!” God wants us to be forward thinkers as a body and as individuals. He has given us each dreams, gifts, talents and passions and He expects a return on His heavenly investment. Well, why is it that so many of us in recovery can’t see past the edge of our 12 steps workbooks? The bottom line is it’s not that we can’t-we often just don’t or simply won’t. But that can change and is changing for many. In fact, men and women all over the world are partnering with God to minister redemption in three key areas: Family, Community, and Culture.

Family Vision
Let’s talk about several ways Family Vision can take place. Maybe you have a spouse who needs a recovery process of their own. They need you to work hard on your own stuff first, but eventually, as a result will be more likely to respond when invited to look at their own issues. (INVITED, being the key word, here!). Perhaps you have kids…they need their parents’ shepherding around their sexuality more than any other time. How about other family or extended kinship? Couldn’t they benefit from your openness regarding the process and victory you’re experiencing? Absolutely!

I have a former client in Tennessee who shared openly with his family about his past struggle, recovery program and healing-as a result, his adult children have entered their own healing partnerships with the Lord and a recovery community of their own. In fact, his daughter wrote a compelling story of faith, openness and purity featuring her dad’s ability to say no to a bunch of peers who wanted him to join them in a visit to a strip club while visiting Las Vegas! Talk about inspiring. Do you think he sleeps easier at night knowing how he’s overcome the enemy’s lies of condemnation and disqualification?

Community Vision
What about our Community Vision? How many times have you recognized an individual you work, attend church with or live near may be struggling? Will you allow God to minister through you to those co-workers, fellow congregants, and neighbors? I know one guy in Reno who was gifted athletically and also suffered from Juvenile Arthritis. When he found out a local girl had the same condition and couldn’t afford treatment, he used his extra time, talent and treasure (which used to be wasted acting-out) to swim across the frigid waters of Lake Tahoe. He raised thousands for her care in the process. Can you get excited about that kind of self-sacrifice? It blows me away!

Cultural Vision
And then there is Vision regarding Culture. Needless to ask, but can you see where the problem of sexual sin has caused erosion and destitution in our land? My friend Shelley Lubben sure has-she’s on a mission to rescue the sexually broken, particularly former actors and actresses in the pornography industry! Then there’s my colleague John Glisson in Georgia, the founder of Higher-Calling.com, one of the most amazing online resources for those trying to heal from sexual brokenness and live a life of purity…a website that gets thousands of hits a day and has helped myriads worldwide. Do you get the sense that these people get excitement and fulfillment from these involvements? Trust me, they’re alive and plugged-in to the Vision they asked the Lord to share with them!

Where do I go from here?
Perhaps you know others on this journey at a similar place of stepping out and you can meet with these people for support and encouragement. I used to meet with a Vision and Leadership group like this for an hour every other week and we discussed these things, challenged one another and took risks. We also anticipated the obstacles that would want to prevent a redemptive partnership with Christ: selfishness, laziness, lack of commitment to our own recovery, being ‘driven’ rather than ‘called,’ pride, arrogance. Listen, these will kill you and steal your dreams so don’t overlook them! Lay them at the cross, pick up your sword and let’s take back the land!

Enjoy the rewards: Hope, Prosperity and Strength
What are your ideas? I mean, I’m not saying you have to go out and save the world tomorrow-focus on getting better as a priority, by all means. But don’t neglect the mandate being given here: “seek the Lord while He may be found,” find out what He means when He says “I have plans to prosper you…to give you a hope and a future,” and “they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.” Ask Him to begin showing you your unique, custom-tailored Vision of redemption and then slowly move into that Vision, one step at a time.

“Jenny,” I said. “I’m Gay.”

“Alright…” she replied, “but do you want to be gay?” No one had ever asked me that before. No one ever gave me that choice. I knew I wasn’t born gay, but somehow I developed homosexual attractions and now I couldn’t make them go away.

I was born in Miami to a Cuban mother and a Colombian father. Due to “X” circumstances my mom and dad were unable to raise me and I was sent to live with my aunt and grandmother. Looking back now, I can see plainly that my whole family loved me but I’ve come to learn that sometimes the facts get missed and misperceptions can easily become truths to a little boy with unanswered questions. I wondered why my mom and dad weren’t around like the other kid’s parents. My aunt and grandmother never told me why, only that my mom and dad loved me very much. Cartoons and kids movies gave me the only answer I could find: “What is a kid with no parents? An orphan.” I came to the conclusion that my mom and dad abandoned me like a little baby left on the stoop of a kindly family. I barely knew my mother and rarely got to see her. My father lived in Colombia and I had no memory of him. I wondered what it was that made them want to leave.

To my aunt and my grandmother I was the prince of the world. No wish went unanswered. If I wanted a bike, I got a bike. If I wanted a toy, I had it within a week. I even remember a particular Christmas with dozens of ninja turtle figurines and a tent to boot! But both women had their own wounds and though they loved me dearly, they didn’t always know how to love me. My Aunt felt she had to compensate for both my lack of mother and father and had a hard time trying to balance being both the nurturing mother and tough father. As a result she often threatened to send me off to military school if I got bad grades. Many a night was spent crying dreading the bad report card in my book bag, fearing I would be sent away. As for my grandmother, she had been hurt in her past and harbored resentment towards men. Resentment she often voiced to me.

Like I said before, I knew I wasn’t born gay. I remember liking girls from an early age and having play ground love triangles. I remember my first kiss with Maria behind the lake and enjoying it. But around age 8 sexuality was corrupted for me as I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighborhood. This brought alot of shame for me and instead of confronting the issue my family moved to a new neighborhood and never spoke of it again.

In this new neighborhood I made friends with another boy and his sister. Our relationship started innocently enough, spending every afternoon playing super Nintendo as fourth graders would. However, as their parents were never home; our curiosity got us into trouble as we discovered pornography. Our afternoons of Mario Kart were soon abandoned for afternoons of pornography as he, his sister and I sat fixated in front of the TV watching porn. This was the beginning of a serious porn addiction for me. I found myself attracted to the women in the films but felt ugly, unworthy and undeserving of them. I made the connection that good looking guys are deserving of good looking women and began to envy the men in the films wishing to be like them. As I continued watching pornography my fixation turned to the men, studying their bodies and comparing them to mine, hating myself and wishing I were them.

By 12 I received my first computer along with the internet and a new gateway to pornography. As my fixation was on men, my browsing led me to gay porn which idolized the male body. At first I was disgusted but as I was continuously exposed to it I became desensitized to it, and as I went through puberty I began to contextualize sexuality within the concept of homosexuality. What once disgusted me became tolerable and then even desirable until eventually it became an infatuation.

By this time I had come to put my faith in Christ. I read my bible and joined a church participating in their youth group and even becoming Bible Club president of my high school. I so loved Jesus that most everyone in my 4000 student high school knew me as “churchboy.” I thought the best way to minister to my classmates in those days was to put on a happy face and pretend to be a happy shiny Christian. I thought if everyone saw how great it was to be in Christ they’d all want in too!  But while in high school, as in love with Jesus as I was I secretly struggled with same gender attractions. I didn’t think I could tell anyone for fear of “shaming Christ” and being a “stumbling block” to weak believers. Sadly, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized Jesus is not a candy bar to be marketed but that Living Water can sell itself. I began to live a double life as I would often watch pornography all night only to go to school the next morning and pretend all was ok. I was desperately looking for answers but too afraid to ask.

All my life I had dreamt of being married to a girl one day, raising a family, watching our kids go off to college and grow old together. My faith and my understanding of the Bible told me that homosexuality was not in line with God’s will for my life. From all around me I heard teachers and pop culture telling me I was born gay, that I needed to accept it and “come out of the closet.” Essentially, I felt the world was telling me to abandon my faith and all my dreams of a family for a label and a life I wanted no part of. So I tried to pray. I believed God answered the prayers of his faithful and believed God would take away the struggle. I tried to ignore it and pretend it didnt exists, but it bubbled up each time with more intensity until I found myself on the floor of my room every night crying begging God to kill me or take away the struggle. But He didn’t.

Eventually, the summer after graduation I told a gay friend of mine what I had been experiencing. I felt so free. He told me everything I was longing to hear. He told me I was handsome and that he loved my sense of humor and that he had a crush on me for a while. But the freedom I felt soon disappeared as I realized I was more and more becoming a person I didn’t recognize with a future that I didn’t want. I began to withdraw and even became dark. This is when Jenny confronted me. She didn’t look at me with the christian pity face I had so often given people myself. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she genuinely wanted to know if I was happy being gay. I told her: “of course not Jenny! but what can I do? I’ve tried everything not to be gay but here I am!” I understand now that ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t “trying everything” just like ignoring a baby and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop him from crying.

She didn’t have all the answers but she did tell me she heard of a support group for people trying to leave homosexuality. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that before. I showed up at the end of that month and met 10 other people just like me who found themselves with attractions they never wanted (and some who were now living successfully apart from homosexuality!) The next month I went to an Exodus conference and met 1000 more from around the country and some from around the world. This was the answer to the question I had for so long been afraid to ask and for once I realized I didn’t have to be ashamed and I didn’t have to be afraid to ask questions.

I came back a changed person. Not because anything that happened at Exodus but simply because for the first time in years I had hope. Hope that I didn’t have to live a life I was unhappy with, that my dreams of a family can be fulfilled that I don’t have to be a slave of my circumstances. Hope because I saw real people living happily beyond the “gay” label: some who married and others who were just content to be single.

The five years that followed were hard, and there was a lot of work I still had to do. I developed habits and addictions over the years that weren’t going to be easy to break. But the key was community.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I did in high school and mislead anyone. I’m not a finished work. I’m still growing. As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth. And I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “I was gay, but I’m ok now,” my story is not about that at all. My story is that I found myself going into a lifestyle I wanted no part in. I found myself taking on a label I didn’t want and becoming a person I didn’t recognize until someone gave me a choice, until someone told me I didn’t have to be gay. It’s about being empowered to live the life I want to live.

What kind of life do you want?

What if accountability was meant to be more than that? Check out this great article over at the Boundless webzine:

Discouraging Accountability by John Thomas

Personally, I can relate with that feeling of being trapped. I’ve been there and I’ve found ways to get beyond that place of being trapped. With God’s help, there is hope for you, like there was hope for me.

There are a few key things to realize and steps to take…allow me share a few of these things that helped me and countless others.

1. Realize that this is not just a spiritual issue. The bible says in I Thessalonians 5:23 “be sanctified body, mind and spirit.” So, it would have been a mistake to just keep praying about this or just reading my bible more or talking to my pastor. All of these were good things for me but I had to take a broader approach. Now, whenever temptation comes around, I start by asking myself “What am I feeling?” I do a quick self-assessment with the word HALTS. H.A.L.T.S., which stand for 9 things: hungry, angry lonely, tired, sick, sad, stressed, scared and shameful. These feelings and emotions are the undercurrents of lust and porn temptation.

2. Have a plan. Once we’ve memorized HALTS and can identify what we are feeling deep down inside, we can choose to meet the valid need that the feeling represents instead of placating or trying to numb that need with lust and pornography. Try it-it works: pick out your most common trigger feelings from the list and create an action plan for yourself that goes something like this: “When I feel (blank), I need to (blank).” It could sound like this, for example: “When I feel lonely, I need to connect with a friend” or When I feel stressed, I need to do some extra exercise or deep breathing” or something like that. You just fill in the blank with something healthy that you know in advance will help you when things get tough. From there, it’s just a matter of practice.

3. Cut Your Supply Line. I had to take the Bible seriously when it says “If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off; if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out.” It’s not talking literally but about a “Radical amputation” of sin in our lives. We can help this in two ways: if you use the internet, for example, make sure you have a good content filter that also provides accountability reporting, not one or the other.
4. Keep Your Life In The Light. Also, regardless of the form of porn you use, make sure your life is in the light with at least two other people who are committed enough to help you on a daily or at least weekly basis to fight the temptation. It’s preferable to find a group of people who struggle similarly rather than just depend on one “accountability partner.”

Remember, that you have to take positive steps to beat your porn addiction. With God’s help you can succeed. We were created with a body, mind and spirit so we need to care for ourselves in all three areas, especially when it comes to fighting the temptation of lust and pornography. And we can’t do it alone: no man is an island. So be smart and be brave and don’t forget: If thousands of people in recovery like me can live in victory with God’s help and the help of other warriors, so can you, my friend!

Need help? Let’s talk about it… post a comment and let us know how you’re doing.

For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?

These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.

Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away

SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.

There are bigger issues at work

The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:

“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org

You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.

Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.

The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.

Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing

We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.

The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?

Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.

So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.

Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex

Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?

Everyone’s struggle is different

We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.

For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.

The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).

Identity is Bigger than Feelings

Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.

Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.

“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine

If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).

When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:

“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”

As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.

Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.

God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.

The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.

Know how your choices will affect your future

God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.

More from Joe Dallas:

“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”

This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)

If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.

After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.

Hope for the Road Ahead

So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.

Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.

It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.

God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.

And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.

Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)

Help Them Open Up

The best way to make it more likely your child might share a sexual struggle with you is to respond with an attitude of compassion and understanding whenever these types of issues come up. Your reaction to the subject of homosexuality when it comes up in conversation, on TV or through other relationships sends your children a message about whether you are a safe person to confide in.

Reacting with a grimace and saying, “That’s disgusting!” communicates hostility. Just consider: would you feel comfortable sharing a personal temptation with someone you knew thought “those people” were a disgusting abomination? Probably not.

Usually, people respond with hostility or anger to this issue because it seems so confusing and overwhelming. It’s not difficult, though, to overcome our fears of this issue by educating ourselves with a compassionate, Biblical standpoint. Exodus has some great resources to help you do just that.

When you can talk about homosexuality with calmness, knowledge and compassion, your children are more likely to talk to you about it. Basic truths to stick to are understanding that 1) nobody chooses to struggle with homosexuality, 2) a person isn’t guilty just because they’re tempted, 3) homosexual behavior is no worse than any other sin, 4) people can find freedom and healing in Christ.

Still, there is no way to guarantee that they will be confident enough to come directly to you. So you do want to know what to look for.

Sure Signs

If your son or daughter has been viewing homosexual pornography or visiting gay, lesbian or bisexual chat rooms online, that is a pretty solid sign that they are dealing with serious sexual identity issues. When confronted about this kind of involvement, most teens will try to dodge with an excuse like “I was just curious” or “I was trying to understand a friend better.”

Please understand that your child probably feels a deep sense of shame about their struggle, and whatever level of behavior they’ve become involved in. Whenever their struggle “comes out,” it’s crucial to reaffirm how much you love them, and that you do not see them any differently.

Other signs you ought to be concerned by include consistent and overt gender-atypical behavior (opposite-sex clothing, mannerisms, etc.), and unhealthy, overly-emotional attachments to a single friend of the same sex

Addressing It

When you observe these types of things, don’t be quick to label it as homosexuality. Simply address what you have observed and ask them questions about it. Don’t assume something is there if it is not plainly true–that can make things worse.

For instance, don’t say: “You and Sarah act like a couple of lesbians. You aren’t doing that, are you?” or, “Son, why do you act so feminine? You don’t want people to think you’re gay.”

Addressing without assuming would sound more like this: “I’ve noticed you and Sarah spend so much time together, you’re neglecting your other friends. Do you think that’s a good idea?” or, “Son, it seems like you aren’t really into hanging out with the guys. Did something happen?”

It is best for your response to communicate that you care about their well-being, and offer them opportunities to share their feelings. Plus if they already know that homosexuality doesn’t make you totally blow up, you’ve created a much more positive environment for them.

Not So Sure Signs

There are also sometimes “yellow flags” that go up for parents, but aren’t necessarily a sign your child struggles with SSA. For instance, if they come home from school with a book, flier or brochure mentioning homosexuality; that’s not necessarily a sign.

Material addressing homosexuality is becoming more and more common in the public school system. Your children will most likely receive information or materials on the subject more than once. Don’t assume they are struggling just because of something like this (pornographic material is another issue altogether) but take the opportunity to talk openly with them about issues of sexuality and see what they’re thinking.

Gay clubs (commonly called “GSA” or Gay-Straight Alliance) are also common on public school campuses. These clubs are not only geared towards students who are gay-identified, but they also encourage non-gay students to become “allies,” or people who are supportive of gay issues and/or making schools safer.

If your child joins the local GSA, it doesn’t necessarily mean they struggle–but you may want to have a talk with them and find out where they’re at in their understanding of sexual morality. These clubs, while exemplifying some good motives like stopping bullying, also promote materials and morals you will be strongly opposed to (see the article GLSEN and Its Influence on Children).

Try not to get into a confrontation with your child, but do your best to have open dialog about what they’re hearing about these issues and what they think.

They probably just want to show their support for making schools safe. Let them know there are great ways for Christian students to stand against bullying and harassment while still speaking the truth about sexuality, like the Allies, Too campaign.

If you’re like me, all those testimonies from now-married “ex-gays” and those who have been “supernaturally delivered” from their struggle can be more of a frustration than an encouragement. Who can give men like us practical, understanding guidance? In the midst of an ongoing battle, how ought we to think about ourselves, our struggles, our future and our God?

As a single guy who continues to experience h same-sex attractions, these questions matter a heck of a lot to me. The world around me would say, “You’re still gay and nothing can change it! Accepting it is the only thing that will make you happy.” But, my faith in God’s Word-as well as my conviction and my personal experience-tell me otherwise.

The transformation many of us desire is a complete 180-degree turnaround of our sexual attractions; a transformation of our feelings. And let’s be honest, we often hope or expect that this change should occur without much of our own effort or sacrifice. But the Bible tells us that our metamorphosis as Christians happens a different way:

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (emphasis added)

God wants to change the way we think about everything, including this issue. We can’t adopt the world’s point of view and just obey our urges. So how can we transform our thinking in order to gain more freedom? Here are some areas I’m personally growing in that I hope will be an encouragement to you.

Stop Making Unfair Comparisons.
I’ve noticed something interesting among those of us on this journey. It;s the way we label; not how we label people who struggle with SSA, but those who don’t. Sometimes we call them “ever-straights.” Sometimes we just shorten “he doesn’t struggle with homosexuality” down to “he doesn’t struggle.”

“He doesn’t struggle.” Although we say that for the sake of abbreviation, I think it’s literally our attitude sometimes. Those of us with SSA tend to look at people without it as the favored ones-like they’re breezing through life, easily attaining maturity and enjoying blissful intimacy while we’re struggling to hold our fragile pieces together.

Sure, our struggle is a little bit different, but everybody’s broken and everyone has a hard time living in purity and authentic intimacy-especially when it comes to marriage. Many of Exodus’s Member Ministries serve people with all kinds of sexual brokenness issues, including heterosexuals. What I’ve learned from years of growing alongside these men is that we are so much alike. This woe-is-me mindset frustrates us and kills our hope; and it’s a lie.

“But, Mike,” you might say, “they’re allowed to follow their feelings and urges, and marry whoever they want.”

Um, no they’re not. Every man deals with feelings and urges that pull him away from God’s explicit will for our sexuality. Or did you think other Christian men’s sex drives always cooperate with them in abstaining until marriage, and then staying faithful? They too struggle with wandering and lustful eyes, curiosity about other people, the fleeting infatuations. They have to crucify the flesh daily, just like you and me.

“Ever-straights” may even face a few hazards that you and I don’t. Our battle with homosexuality is much more apparent, and the spiritual leaders in our lives have an easy time spotting unhealthy relationships we may get into. But, for the opposite-sex struggler, relationships based on lust and/or unhealthy dependencies can sometimes slip under the radar, masking as romance. They may be able to pursue their flesh with more leniency, but don’t think they don’t pay for it! I consider myself lucky to have begun dealing with my intimacy and identity issues before jumping into the most important relationship of my life.

And they can’t marry whoever they want; “ever-straights” still face rejection, disappointments, and the melancholy longing after someone they can never have. They also have to grow and get over it. We are all called to love and pursue godly intimacy in a world that is decidedly ungodly. Everyone struggles.

Stop obsessing about how much you will (or won’t) enjoy heterosexual sex.
You’ve thought about it, and so have I. What if I don’t enjoy sex with my spouse? What if I still want to have sex with other men (or women, if you’re a woman)? The skeptics certainly say all the time that we “ex-gays” only have sexually frustrated lives ahead of us.

We often say the opposite of homosexuality isn’t heterosexuality, it’s holiness. That means God is calling us away from a me-centered life, including a me-centered sexuality. We’ve spent a lot of time programming ourselves through fantasy, masturbation, pornography and encounters to be utterly selfish with our sexuality. Marriage is the absolute antithesis of that.

The Bible tells us that once we are married our body actually belongs to our spouse. If you haven’t lived with that attitude in singleness, it’s not going to come naturally once you say your vows. The best way to be ready is by following this other Biblical command: to offer your body as a living sacrifice to God, because it ultimately belongs to Him.

People often ask me if I have sexual fantasies about women now, because that’s what the world would consider change. But God wants me to change not into a man who still wraps himself up in self-absorbed fantasy, but one who’s ready to put my wife before myself-and put Him first.

Afraid you won’t enjoy the sex? Well, if your priority is your own satisfaction and the living out of your overly-developed obsessions, no, you won’t enjoy the intimacy of sex within marriage. You know what? Neither would an “ever-straight” with the same mindset. They might be able to marry according to their worldly desires, but it will never fulfill the endless hunger of selfishness. Real closeness grows out of commitment to a person, and following God’s will.

Don’t worry; sex God’s way will be the best.

Quit letting your temptations dictate your identity.
Ongoing temptation makes it so difficult to see ourselves for who we are, growing in Christ. We’ve started to recognize our convictions and the truth of Scripture, and to obey it, but then we see something that triggers our fleshly desires and we feel swept away. Sometimes it feels like picking up that card in a board game that says, “Go Back to Start.”

So the world laughs at us for still seeking healing in change, in spite of the struggle it is. Sometimes even our fellow Christians look down on us, or doubt there really is any hope for change. All of it can make those voices from eons ago come rushing back, calling us fag, queer, dyke. How can I escape this identity? At times it would seem to make more sense to just give in to the idea that this is who I really am.

But God has put this truth in my heart that keeps repeating itself to me: homosexuality is an experience you have, it’s not a thing that you are. I know my SSA developed out of a deficit of male love growing up, and my insecurity in my own masculinity. It’s not a legitimate way to experience intimacy, or fulfill the desire for oneness with another that God has placed in all of us.

I also am confident that when God said, “Do not practice homosexuality,” he wasn’t switching gears from ‘Loving God’ to ‘Rule-Making, Fun-Hating God.’ His commands come from his loving heart, the same heart that sent his Son to save me.

The fact that temptation remains is only to be expected, for many reasons. First of all because while my sinful nature is fading away to make room for Christ’s new life-and it is-I will not be fully free of it until Heaven.

Secondly, I certainly spent a lot of time indulging my homosexual desire-and using it as a defense mechanism. For several of the most formative years of my life, I drowned every disappointment, sorrow and insecurity in pornography, fantasy and sexual partners. Jesus’ forgiveness erases my guilt, but not my memory. When hard times come, some part of me will always remember that that stuff once numbed my pain.

The good news is, that’s all it ever was: an illusion I used to protect myself. Now, armed with the truth and with a God who loves me cares about my problems, I can choose to deal with my pain rightly.

Do what you know you should be doing.
Like you, I can’t stand preachers who self-righteously blast us from the pulpit, as though we could just flip a switch and make our struggle go away. Even the temptations that fall into our path are not so easily avoided.

But you know what? God’s made me realize that I haven’t been willing to admit it when it is that easy. Let’s face it: we like our sin. That doesn’t mean we’re truly gay inside. That means we are people who continue to struggle with our sinfulness, just like everyone (can I make this point enough?).

Is the internet a temptation? Why do you still have access to it when you don’t have to? Get accountability software. Give your wireless card to a friend so you can only go online when they’re around. Have a friend, parent or mentor install a blocker and set the password. Get that DSL connection out of your bedroom. Whatever excuse you’re using to keep that temptation there-need it for work, personal webpage, etc.-it’s not worth it.

Do you really have to hang out with your gay friends? You know what it does to you, and you know you’re not “being a light” to them. You will feel the loss of that acceptance, and you may face the heat of their anger. Deal with it. God will provide healthy, godly new friendships for you in time. You’re hanging onto the old ones for the sake of your flesh, and you have to let go.

Feeling convicted about an unhealthy relationship? Tell a mentor or counselor, or a trustworthy and mature friend. Figure out what boundaries you need to set up, or whether you need to cut it off completely, and take care of it.

Having trouble finding a mentor, or relationships that provide encouragement and accountability? Show some initiative! Offer encouragement and accountability to others, and see if it doesn’t come back to you. If you hit brick walls, don’t give up and whine. Keep asking, keep looking. If you have to move on to another church, then move on.

So if your eye-even your good eye-causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29

There’s nothing worth missing our abundant life in Christ for. And there’s too much we don’t know to waste time neglecting what we do know. Start being the person you want to be, and making the choices you’ve always wished you would make. You know what you should be doing. Do it.

We ended up going to the same college and taking a lot of classes together. As we drifted away from our high school friends, we got even closer. He was a really affectionate guy who had no problem hugging me, and sometimes we even wrestled around together. He was so considerate, calling me often and giving me silly little gifts or messages.

There was a down side to this seemingly fulfilling friendship, though. No matter how loving Greg was toward me, I always wanted more. Even if we spent a whole day together, for some reason I would go home at the end of it with a sort of frustrated, dissatisfied feeling. He was very social, and when I saw him laughing with other guys I felt jealous. I always worried, ‘What if he likes them more?’

Then Greg got a girlfriend, and their relationship quickly got serious. Now something inside me was really hurting. He always wanted to be alone with her, and our friendship suffered. I absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of them kissing it made me so angry – a bad angry that left me hopeless and depressed. I realized I was jealous of her, too.

In light of the fact that I was trying to overcome my struggles with homosexuality, this was an incredibly discouraging realization. I thought I was building healthy friendships! I thought this meant I was changing! Instead, I had ‘fallen in love’ with my best friend. I felt like a failure.

Worse still was the end of me and Greg’s friendship. Ultimately, my jealousy over his girlfriend turned into bitterness. Through sarcasm and gossip I sabotaged our relationship, and it went down – badly. When he was no longer a part of my life, it felt like losing a limb to a tragic accident. I was depressed for weeks.

This was one of the worst experiences of my life, and the harder thing was that this happened more than once, with other people. I didn’t learn until a while later that there was a name for this: Emotional Dependency.

What is Emotional Dependency?

The truth is, Greg wasn’t just my best friend, at least not to me. I was trying to make him my best friend, brother, mentor, dad, and honestly, even my god. He was certainly more important to me than God. But why would I, a Christian, do such a thing?

Well, probably because I was still looking for all those things: a brother, a mentor, a father, and God. These were all roles that were inadequately filled in my life. They weren’t perverted desires; they were real needs, and I was desperate to get them filled. But emotional dependency is what happens when we try to consolidate all these needs into one person. For a while, we’re able to buy into the illusion that this is working, and we become thoroughly attached to the object of our need. But eventually the unhealthiness of this practice will get you, like it got me.

You could say I put all my emotional eggs in one basket, my friend Greg. Problem was, he was never big enough to hold them all.

While we never technically had a homosexual relationship, it was emotionally homosexual. In fact, while I was never really drawn to him sexually, being around him often triggered episodes of acting out through internet pornography or even other people. This happened because being around him made me so aware of the deep longing for intimacy I had.

The painful truth is that relationships like this are absolutely sinful and destructive. They’re sinful first of all because they violate the number one commandment: to put God first in your heart and worship no one and nothing else. This is often evident in the ways we compromise our integrity for the sake of the unhealthy relationship – neglecting responsibilities, being self-centered, crossing sexual boundaries, etc.

In a word, it’s idolatry.

It’s also destructive to us. Like someone addicted to junk food, we’re trying to fill a need with something that won’t ever fill it. In the process, we deprive ourselves of what is good and truly fulfilling.

For more information about emotional dependency–how to recognize, overcome and prevent it–check out the new resource, Emotional Dependency for Guys, NOW AVAILABLE from the Exodus Bookstore.