“I think my son wants to be a girl,” the  father blurted out through tear-filled eyes as he entered my office.  He was an enthusiastic father, an articulate, well-educated man, with a passion for God and truth. His wife was with him, tears streaming from her face as she saw the pain in her husband’s heart.  She was a gentle mother with a deep passion for her family and an even deeper passion for the Lord.

“How old is your boy?” I asked.

“He is five and this has been going on for two years.”

…

How do you know that your son wants to be a girl?” I asked. The dad’s response was one that I had heard before and in many ways, was indicative of the confusion I feel exists with gender development in sensitive boys.  The dad began to tell me a myriad of examples where the son was drawn to things the father identified as female:  “He is fascinated with women’s shoes.  He puts his t-shirt over his head and pretends he has long hair.  He loves to touch his mother’s silk nightgowns.  He is fascinated with Ariel in the Little Mermaid and often wants to be her.”

With a quiver in his voice he stated, “And he put on his mothers skirt and was twirling around like a girl. I told him not to do that because that was like a girl!”

This is an issue I have had to think about recently.  A wonderful, concerned mother sent me an email a few weeks ago asking about her five year old son’s peculiar behavior.  He was indeed doing some of the things the boy mentioned in the article was doing.  They were concerned for him, wondering whether he would turn out gay or not.  The truth is, God created him with he temperament and there isn’t anything gay about his interests.  I really like what Ricky says about sensitive boys.

Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.  His little boy’s obsession with women’s shoes were not because he wanted to be a girl, but more because he was aesthetically and visually oriented–and women’s shoes are much more visually exciting than the black, brown or burgundy of men’s shoes.  Women’s shoes have sparkles, bobbles and bows. They come in every color imaginable and are in different shapes and textures. They are an aesthetically gifted boy’s dream!  And he was not trying to identify as a girl when he grabbed his mother’s skirt, put it on, and twirled around.  To him, it was similar to our experience of going to the fair and doing drop art projects where we drop paint on a spinning paper and watch it splatter, but even better. As he moved, he created art and beauty as the colors whirled around him and flowed up and down in the air.  Better yet, he was the center of it all!

I believe any and all of these things can open a path down the road to homosexual feelings IF the parents do not respond in a proper way.  I, myself, fell into this category as a boy.  My favorite movie was actually The Little Mermaid.  I wanted to be Ariel so very badly.  I played with barbie dolls and played dress up.  My parents never scolded me or treated me any differently.  But what I remember is absence of my father in those situations.  I was honestly left to the labels of the world in defining and shaping my perception of myself as a boy.  Without God’s view of masculinity and femininity, I was viewed as ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘gay’.  With the direct influence of my father, guiding my desires and passions, while confirming the masculine inside of me, perhaps same-sex attraction would have never developed in me.

Ricky goes on to discuss the characteristics that sensitive boys tend to have, how their personality, passions and interests can cause pain and marginalization, because the world has a warped and limited perception of masculinity and femininity.  I love the last bit on how to parent and love a sensitive soul.

Affirm the child’s gifting as inherently masculine.  Ballet dancers are men just as much as construction workers, policemen, or actors.  Find ways to see the strength, the initiative, and the drive in what he does and affirm it.  Don’t fall prey to the stereotype that only certain gifts should be possessed by men and others are feminine.  Let the child know he is a man when he does what he has been gifted to do.

Learn to see the world through his eyes.  You will need to practice changing your vision to do this.  Your son sees a world of color and texture, beauty and tragedy, drama and resolution.  All of life is indeed a stage for him.  When you go on a camping trip he may not be as interested in shooting the gun as in pointing binoculars at the myriad of birds and small creatures he sees around him and trying to identify what they are.  He can become mesmerized by the structure, color, and texture of shells on the sea shore or sit for hours observing the ebb and flow of the tide and marvel at how the water changes from emerald to azure over the sandbars. Realize that everything in his world is important to him and somehow connected to him.  He notices nuance and subtlety.  He sees beauty.  You celebrate this and seek to see it too.

I could equate this segment to, loving your child for who they are and not who you want them to be.  I love the emphasis Ricky places on celebrating your child, understanding where they are coming from, and enjoying their interests and perceptions of the world.  A boy may respond very differently to a camping experience than his father, and that’s okay.  It’s always important to remember that children are easily shapeable people.  Their early years are pivotal and foundational in identity development.  If a father celebrates and nurtures the true God-given talents and gifts his son has, the boy will be shaped into a very confident, bold, and artistically talented individual.

Ricky closes with a paragraph on the splendid gift a sensitive boy is to his family.

If you have a sensitive son, know that you have been given a great gift. Though they can have difficulty fitting in at school, they are generally great students, good boys and often will excel in college or  university.  They can develop into amazing men of God who can radically change the world and affect the Kingdom!  They are the Billy Grahams, the Martin Luther King, Jrs., the Mozarts and the Handels of their generation.  It is no wonder they are so targeted by the evil one and tormented by peers. They are world-changes and life-givers. They are the preachers, musicians, artists, dancers, creators and visionaries of our day. Raise them well and bless the Kingdom and the world!

There is so much in this article that resonates with me personally that there just isn’t enough space to take up right now for it.  This is a great reminder of what truly defines masculinity and femininity – our Creator.  The world has these put in boxes, and a very rigid mold a boy and girl have to fit in.  If they don’t, they are labeled as different.  It is indeed obvious why the evil one targets these bright people.  A God-given talent and passion is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  The world has beaten up so many souls because their own soul and creative being didn’t fit the mold.  So another was cast for many – one labeled gay, different, sissy.

This is an exhortation for parents to enjoy their children for who they are, what they like, and what makes them passionate.  This is an encouragement for them to bless the masculinity of their boy who may be more interested in painting and writing, than sports and playing power rangers.  This is also an encouragement for those guys who read this and relate so much to the sensitivity of the boy described here.  You are not weird, you’re not girlie or a sissy.  God created you to bring glory to Himself through the gifts He has given you.  Don’t allow the world or it’s labels to crush the fire that is in you or strip you of your masculinity.  As Ricky states, Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.

Check out Randy’s post about it here.

I want to give you a way of thinking about Vision that will pull your recovery from sexual addictions into the future. My heart is to share a few ideas about areas where you can pay attention and with following-through, enrich the process of recovery with greater meaning, radical redemption, and down-right Kingdom authority. I also want to warn you about some common challenges to Vision to help you anticipate how the enemy will try and take you off your God-ordained course.

The bible is clear: “Without a Vision, people will perish!” God wants us to be forward thinkers as a body and as individuals. He has given us each dreams, gifts, talents and passions and He expects a return on His heavenly investment. Well, why is it that so many of us in recovery can’t see past the edge of our 12 steps workbooks? The bottom line is it’s not that we can’t-we often just don’t or simply won’t. But that can change and is changing for many. In fact, men and women all over the world are partnering with God to minister redemption in three key areas: Family, Community, and Culture.

Family Vision
Let’s talk about several ways Family Vision can take place. Maybe you have a spouse who needs a recovery process of their own. They need you to work hard on your own stuff first, but eventually, as a result will be more likely to respond when invited to look at their own issues. (INVITED, being the key word, here!). Perhaps you have kids…they need their parents’ shepherding around their sexuality more than any other time. How about other family or extended kinship? Couldn’t they benefit from your openness regarding the process and victory you’re experiencing? Absolutely!

I have a former client in Tennessee who shared openly with his family about his past struggle, recovery program and healing-as a result, his adult children have entered their own healing partnerships with the Lord and a recovery community of their own. In fact, his daughter wrote a compelling story of faith, openness and purity featuring her dad’s ability to say no to a bunch of peers who wanted him to join them in a visit to a strip club while visiting Las Vegas! Talk about inspiring. Do you think he sleeps easier at night knowing how he’s overcome the enemy’s lies of condemnation and disqualification?

Community Vision
What about our Community Vision? How many times have you recognized an individual you work, attend church with or live near may be struggling? Will you allow God to minister through you to those co-workers, fellow congregants, and neighbors? I know one guy in Reno who was gifted athletically and also suffered from Juvenile Arthritis. When he found out a local girl had the same condition and couldn’t afford treatment, he used his extra time, talent and treasure (which used to be wasted acting-out) to swim across the frigid waters of Lake Tahoe. He raised thousands for her care in the process. Can you get excited about that kind of self-sacrifice? It blows me away!

Cultural Vision
And then there is Vision regarding Culture. Needless to ask, but can you see where the problem of sexual sin has caused erosion and destitution in our land? My friend Shelley Lubben sure has-she’s on a mission to rescue the sexually broken, particularly former actors and actresses in the pornography industry! Then there’s my colleague John Glisson in Georgia, the founder of Higher-Calling.com, one of the most amazing online resources for those trying to heal from sexual brokenness and live a life of purity…a website that gets thousands of hits a day and has helped myriads worldwide. Do you get the sense that these people get excitement and fulfillment from these involvements? Trust me, they’re alive and plugged-in to the Vision they asked the Lord to share with them!

Where do I go from here?
Perhaps you know others on this journey at a similar place of stepping out and you can meet with these people for support and encouragement. I used to meet with a Vision and Leadership group like this for an hour every other week and we discussed these things, challenged one another and took risks. We also anticipated the obstacles that would want to prevent a redemptive partnership with Christ: selfishness, laziness, lack of commitment to our own recovery, being ‘driven’ rather than ‘called,’ pride, arrogance. Listen, these will kill you and steal your dreams so don’t overlook them! Lay them at the cross, pick up your sword and let’s take back the land!

Enjoy the rewards: Hope, Prosperity and Strength
What are your ideas? I mean, I’m not saying you have to go out and save the world tomorrow-focus on getting better as a priority, by all means. But don’t neglect the mandate being given here: “seek the Lord while He may be found,” find out what He means when He says “I have plans to prosper you…to give you a hope and a future,” and “they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.” Ask Him to begin showing you your unique, custom-tailored Vision of redemption and then slowly move into that Vision, one step at a time.

For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?

These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.

Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away

SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.

There are bigger issues at work

The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:

“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org

You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.

Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.

The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.

Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing

We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.

The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?

Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.

So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.

Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex

Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?

Everyone’s struggle is different

We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.

For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.

The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).

Identity is Bigger than Feelings

Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.

Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.

“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine

If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).

When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:

“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”

As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.

Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.

God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.

The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.

Know how your choices will affect your future

God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.

More from Joe Dallas:

“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”

This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)

If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.

After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.

Hope for the Road Ahead

So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.

Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.

It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.

God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.

And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.

Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)

Not every gay-identified person participates in these often militant efforts, but the efforts are very real and they have specific goals when it comes to youth. Those goals include:

• Promoting homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles as healthy, positive and normal.
• Disintegrating all meaning of gender.
• Silencing and vilifying any different point of view.
• Undermining parental authority to indoctrinate kids.
• Rewriting Christian principles.
• Polarizing students, so that anyone who is not “gay-affirming” is labeled a bigot.

These may seem like pretty extreme statements, but there are several organizations and tens of millions of dollars a year dedicated to these goals.

GLSEN and GSA’s

Most notable among these organizations is the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), an educational lobbying and activist group that is the primary force behind the promotion of Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in high schools, middle schools and universities nationwide.

Their ‘resources’

A quick browse through the books GLSEN recommends for 7th through 12th graders will give you a glimpse into the value system they want the next generation to adopt. Here’s a look:

Free Your Mind by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman, for instance, is a comprehensive guide-to-life for youth who think they may be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. In truth, this book is full of deceptive, dangerous advice. Teens are encouraged to find “meaningful new relationships” via gay and lesbian chat rooms on the internet. The book also greatly overstates the protection offered by condoms, and lists “bathing together” and mutual masturbation as “safe” sexual practices.

Furthermore, Free Your Mind attacks the faith of teens. Throughout several chapters, young people are repeatedly urged to leave their churches if they do not embrace homosexuality. A whole chapter is devoted to “debunking” the Bible.

“…there isn’t any single truth…The one thing you really should beware of in life is when any human being tells you that they have the truth. Run as fast as you can. No one has the truth.” (Free Your Mind, p. 274)

Another book GLSEN recommends for teens, Revolutionary Voices, portrays dangerous lifestyles as positive forms of “diversity.” In the book, one young man shares his story of doing “sex work” involving cross-dressing and sadomasochsim. Revolutionary Voices calls these things an “empowering experience.”

The GSA Network also produced Beyond the Binary, a “gender activism” guide that encourages students to fight the notion that we are made male and female. The booklet teaches that gender is arbitrary, that one can move back and forth between genders, be both at the same time, or invent a new gender altogether–and that schools and other individuals should be forced to recognize these assumed “genders.”

Other controversies

The state of Massachusetts has always been at the forefront of homosexual activism. At least two years in a row, GLSEN (funded by state tax revenue) hosted workshops on school grounds, in which students received graphic instruction on how to perform different homosexual acts. Sex “kits” were passed out, and after a sweeping public outcry, parents were banned when the event was repeated.

More recently, the GSA Network in California elected a man to its Board of Directors who was widely known as a pornographer who peddled pictures of young men to x-rated magazines. When contacted and asked whether they were aware of this individual’s activities, no one from the GSA Network responded. The board member, however, subsequently stepped down.

The actions and attitudes of those who run these organizations don’t quite reflect those of the kids who actually take part in the clubs themselves. Most teens who join GSA’s (who are not all gay-identified) are drawn to the ideals of safety, equality and tolerance that these organizations espouse. What they get, though, is a deceptive and destructive crash-course in immorality.

School Policies

Gay advocacy groups spend millions lobbying every level of government in order to have an impact on school policies and curriculum. California is an example of where they’ve had the most success. The State Senate there has passed bills requiring schools to portray homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles positively through “Tolerance Training.” Other legislation would force schools to allow transgender-identified students to use opposite-sex bathrooms and locker rooms.

As a matter of course, these activists seek to shut parents out while they are changing the educational system. The legislation mentioned above explicitly states that parents are not to be notified about “Tolerance Training” courses, and are not allowed to opt their children out of them.

So What Can You Do?

It’s so important for Christian parents to be involve themselves and communicate with the school. Make sure you know about meetings with school board and faculty members that parents can have access to. Find out the best way to stay up to date on changes in curriculum and policy in your district.

Christian legal groups like the Alliance Defense Fund can advise and support parents facing legal issues with their local districts and governments.

The most effective response to this growing movement, though, comes through Christian students. More than anyone, they have a greater freedom of opportunity to share the truth and love of the Gospel on their campuses. So make sure your youth pastor is educating and equipping students with the truth about these issues. We’ve got some great resources available to help them do that.

Students also have the most freedom (legally speaking) to bring Christian-themed information and resource onto their campuses. Through special campaigns like Allies, Too and the Day of Truth, young Christians can have a huge impact on public schools.

Related Links:

The World According to PFLAG: Why PFLAG and Children Don’t Mix from the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)

Help Them Open Up

The best way to make it more likely your child might share a sexual struggle with you is to respond with an attitude of compassion and understanding whenever these types of issues come up. Your reaction to the subject of homosexuality when it comes up in conversation, on TV or through other relationships sends your children a message about whether you are a safe person to confide in.

Reacting with a grimace and saying, “That’s disgusting!” communicates hostility. Just consider: would you feel comfortable sharing a personal temptation with someone you knew thought “those people” were a disgusting abomination? Probably not.

Usually, people respond with hostility or anger to this issue because it seems so confusing and overwhelming. It’s not difficult, though, to overcome our fears of this issue by educating ourselves with a compassionate, Biblical standpoint. Exodus has some great resources to help you do just that.

When you can talk about homosexuality with calmness, knowledge and compassion, your children are more likely to talk to you about it. Basic truths to stick to are understanding that 1) nobody chooses to struggle with homosexuality, 2) a person isn’t guilty just because they’re tempted, 3) homosexual behavior is no worse than any other sin, 4) people can find freedom and healing in Christ.

Still, there is no way to guarantee that they will be confident enough to come directly to you. So you do want to know what to look for.

Sure Signs

If your son or daughter has been viewing homosexual pornography or visiting gay, lesbian or bisexual chat rooms online, that is a pretty solid sign that they are dealing with serious sexual identity issues. When confronted about this kind of involvement, most teens will try to dodge with an excuse like “I was just curious” or “I was trying to understand a friend better.”

Please understand that your child probably feels a deep sense of shame about their struggle, and whatever level of behavior they’ve become involved in. Whenever their struggle “comes out,” it’s crucial to reaffirm how much you love them, and that you do not see them any differently.

Other signs you ought to be concerned by include consistent and overt gender-atypical behavior (opposite-sex clothing, mannerisms, etc.), and unhealthy, overly-emotional attachments to a single friend of the same sex

Addressing It

When you observe these types of things, don’t be quick to label it as homosexuality. Simply address what you have observed and ask them questions about it. Don’t assume something is there if it is not plainly true–that can make things worse.

For instance, don’t say: “You and Sarah act like a couple of lesbians. You aren’t doing that, are you?” or, “Son, why do you act so feminine? You don’t want people to think you’re gay.”

Addressing without assuming would sound more like this: “I’ve noticed you and Sarah spend so much time together, you’re neglecting your other friends. Do you think that’s a good idea?” or, “Son, it seems like you aren’t really into hanging out with the guys. Did something happen?”

It is best for your response to communicate that you care about their well-being, and offer them opportunities to share their feelings. Plus if they already know that homosexuality doesn’t make you totally blow up, you’ve created a much more positive environment for them.

Not So Sure Signs

There are also sometimes “yellow flags” that go up for parents, but aren’t necessarily a sign your child struggles with SSA. For instance, if they come home from school with a book, flier or brochure mentioning homosexuality; that’s not necessarily a sign.

Material addressing homosexuality is becoming more and more common in the public school system. Your children will most likely receive information or materials on the subject more than once. Don’t assume they are struggling just because of something like this (pornographic material is another issue altogether) but take the opportunity to talk openly with them about issues of sexuality and see what they’re thinking.

Gay clubs (commonly called “GSA” or Gay-Straight Alliance) are also common on public school campuses. These clubs are not only geared towards students who are gay-identified, but they also encourage non-gay students to become “allies,” or people who are supportive of gay issues and/or making schools safer.

If your child joins the local GSA, it doesn’t necessarily mean they struggle–but you may want to have a talk with them and find out where they’re at in their understanding of sexual morality. These clubs, while exemplifying some good motives like stopping bullying, also promote materials and morals you will be strongly opposed to (see the article GLSEN and Its Influence on Children).

Try not to get into a confrontation with your child, but do your best to have open dialog about what they’re hearing about these issues and what they think.

They probably just want to show their support for making schools safe. Let them know there are great ways for Christian students to stand against bullying and harassment while still speaking the truth about sexuality, like the Allies, Too campaign.

But God does have a lot to say about how love is expressed in different kinds of relationships. He created sex to be sacred and special, protected and pure. God didn’t give us a bunch of rules to follow because sex is bad or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. He doesn’t want you or me to lose out on the holy mystery He created it for.

Parents love their children, brothers and sisters love each other, and people also love their pets. One married couple can become very close to another married couple within a community. All of these are wonderful, love-filled relationships. I think we can also agree, though, that bringing sex into the expression of any of these loves would not be good. And these are all relationships that the Bible plainly tells us sexuality is not meant for.

The same is true for love between two men or two women. God tells us that that love is not supposed to be sexual (Lev. 18:22, Rom. 1:26-27).

But friendship between people of the same sex is a very important part of life. It’s a theme throughout the Bible; David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, even Jesus loved and cherished his disciples.

The first thing to recognize, then, is that God is not outlawing love, and He’s not trying to deprive us of it, either.

So why do we crave that kind of connection? Well, when sin entered the picture God knew that people would struggle with desires to do things we aren’t supposed to. Why else would He need to tell us not to do them?

The question to ask ourselves is whether our same-sex attraction (SSA) is simply just love, or if perhaps it’s guided by some other things as well?

Many of us who have chosen to walk away from homosexuality have made some pretty big discoveries that helped us understand our feelings and ourselves a lot better. For some, we realized that our sexual and romantic feelings for the same gender were deeply connected to the insecurity we felt about our own gender identity. Others also realized that they had negative (and untrue) perceptions of one or both genders, which inspired them to make promises that shaped how they grew and how they looked at life (e.g. “I’ll never be like dad,” or “I’ll never let a man touch me.”).

In recognizing and addressing these issues in our lives, we’ve found ourselves moving on to relationships that are much more satisfying, healthy and whole than what we experienced before. To us, that’s proof that God knows what He’s talking about.

It’s good to examine your life and ask yourself why you feel the things you do. God wants you to experience the fullness of the person He created you to be, and to accurately reflect the image of Himself that He’s lovingly placed in you. He’s also asking you to trust Him above all–above what our culture says, even above your own feelings.

Homosexual advocacy groups know that most parents don’t agree with their agenda. Most pro-gay initiatives that effect public schools are executed under the radar to intentionally keep parents out of the loop. Being aware of your school’s policies and curriculum on these subjects will take some initiative, but you have a right to influence the policies of the schools that teach your children.

Make sure you know what policies are in place regarding sexual education and ‘tolerance training.’ Find out what curriculum and books are being made available to students with questions about sexual orientation.

Furthermore, Exodus Youth strongly recommends you get connected with the Christian student organizations in your schools. On the legal playing field, students actually have the most freedom in making an impact on their campuses. Make sure your local Christian clubs (such as Fellowship of Christian Athletes) know about the resources and programs available to help them respond to these issues.

Students can impact their campuses by:

• Educating and equipping Christian students with a Biblical response to homosexuality.
• Responding to pro-gay initiatives through programs like Allies, Too and the Day of Truth.
• Donating Christian-perspective books to public and school libraries.

The Opt-Out notices below provide you with the necessary legal tools to exempt your child from inappropriate homosexual indoctrination at their school.

“GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, is a growing, well-funded pro-homosexual organization which advocates the practice of dangerous sexual behaviors by children and adults. Using the schools as its major platform, GLSEN conveys these radical ideas primarily through its web site; in books and curricular material; in teacher training workshops; and in after-school homosexual clubs for students. (Pro Family Resource Center)”

Helpful resources:

The Legal Liability of Homosexual Education in Schools (includes sample letters to school officials)

Same-Sex “Marriage” and Schools

The Gay Agenda

Youth Resources

School Resources

National Student Opt-Out Notice

CA Student Opt-Out Notice

Day of Silence Warning

Eyewitness Account of Homosexual Activism in the Schools

What Gay Student Groups Teach

Promoting An Equal Time Policy

Activism in the Schools

A Mother’s Story of Change
The testimony of Cherrie.

As a toddler, Jennifer loved books, but I pushed for dolls. She loved wearing pants, I argued for the dresses. I loved fairy tales, but she loved the encyclopedias and National Geographic. Jennifer was artistic and gifted. I was the school drop out with disabilities and a testimony that read much like the “woman at the well.”We were so opposite, and yet more alike than we could see. We were both led by our emotions, which took us on the roller coaster ride of our lives.

I had no idea that I was so full of fear, guilt and shame as a result of childhood abuse. I thought that had already been dealt with. But I’m sad to say that even a commitment to Christ did not keep those emotions from raging and holding me hostage. Not surprisingly, my daughter followed the same pattern.Jennifer received Jesus as Savior at a young age, and had a personal love relationship with Him for many years.

However in her second year of college, at the innocent age of nineteen, she came home and made the devastating announcement that she had entered the gay lifestyle. Life as we knew it would no longer be the same.

At this point in telling my story, I could easily fall into the “if onlys” – if only I had done this, if only I hadn’t done that. However, I have made the decision to walk in victory, not in the regrets of the past. I discovered in recent years that to walk in the freedom that Christ has for me, my focus must be on Him and not on my daughter or me.

That is not to say that the Lord hasn’t required me to take a long, painful look back on my parenting skills. In reflection, I had wonderful “Martha” qualities – not as in Martha Stewart, but as in the “Busy Martha” of the Bible. This meant positives like cooking and baking; attending all PTA meetings, sporting events, band concerts, and most school activities. I wanted to do all the “motherly” things that hadn’t been done for me. We were great at attending Sunday school, church and even attended several Bill Gothard seminars. I was absolutely driven to do things right, and not repeat the sins of neglect or abuse on to another generation.

My greatest failure however was not listening, really listening, to my daughter. I knew so little about nurturing, and practically nothing about connection or communication. My way of parenting was to talk “at her,” not “to her.” It wasn’t long before all I could hear was my own voice. I now know that I was so needy myself, I had little left over for anyone else. That is why Jesus has encouraged me to slow down and listen to Him; to put Him first. Finally, I am fully committed to doing just that.

As for Jennifer, it has been thirteen years now since her startling announcement. The lesbian community very early on became her mentors,friends and new “family.” Her wardrobe no longer resembled that of a young woman, and her shoulder length hair was razor cut to a one-half inch length. I became numb and speechless which proved to be a blessing as I was just too shocked to reject her! But I did eventually reject someone else – someone closer to me than my own family. I rejected God.

I just couldn’t understand why He had allowed this to happen! I felt that my Heavenly Father had betrayed me, just as my earthly father had done so many years ago. I was desperately heartbroken as I watched my precious daughter sink deeper into deception and farther away from me and the Lord. My prayers seemed at the time to fall on deaf ears. Depression, embarrassment and despair became my constant companions.

Thoughts of suicide resurfaced as the shame and guilt overwhelmed me. A numbness and comatose state of mind soon followed. I saw Jennifer as a victim, seduced by the enemy of her soul. I saw myself as a rejected failure, leading me again to follow my deadly emotions and victim mentality, which won out over God and His Word.

I’m sorry to say, I could not even begin to see the pain and struggles in my daughter’s life as I was too consumed with how her choices were affecting me and our family. I felt that even Jennifer’s homosexuality was all about me, and it took years of wandering in the wilderness to finally recognize that.

I am so grateful to say that over the past few years, the Lord has been patient and merciful in restoring me to spiritual health and wholeness. He’s shown me how to take responsibility for contributing to Jennifer’s pain and struggles without assuming blame for her wrong choices. I have asked for and received her forgiveness, and we are continuing to grow in our relationship. My most fervent prayer is that she returns to the Lord; I trust God to take care of the rest.

The Lord blesses me daily with increasingly more hope and faith for Jennifer’s restoration, even after thirteen years! It has taken me far too long to realize that He is faithful and worthy of my trust. I now know that I was every bit as deceived as I believe my daughter to be, and that only the Truth can set us both free!

I remember in a conversation with Jennifer, I told her how her entry into the gay lifestyle had been the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but that it was also the best. It shocked me into a reality and awareness of the brokenness in myself as well as in others. God was then able to reveal His heart to me to show me that those struggling with homosexuality had not asked for their rejection and damaged emotions, anymore than I had asked for mine.

I have since gone from asking Him to change “her;” to pleading that He change “me.” Thankfully, my belief system, that it is my “job and duty” to love my daughter has now changed to believing that it is my God given “privilege.” His grace has allowed me to embrace both Jennifer and her sweet partner with a genuine love that I never would have thought possible. But of course we know that with God “All Things Are Possible!”

Through the ministry of Exodus, and by attending the last two Annual freedom Conferences, I have been blessed to meet many precious men and women who have been miraculously transformed by the Power of our Almighty God. I can say without a doubt that I see more of Jesus in some of them than I have ever witnessed anywhere else.I have also had the opportunity to sit and talk with many new friends who still struggle with same sex attractions. I have had the privilege of hearing their hearts and heart breaking stories.I do confess that seeing their demonstrations of affection to one another is sometimes difficult, but God’s amazing grace allows me to accept them and love them without approving of their lifestyle.

I am so aware of how I might have been swayed by the tides of emotion in favor of these same sex relationships, had I not been rooted and grounded in the infallible Word of God. Most importantly I now see that Jesus came to our world, not to condemn but to save and show us the love ofHis Father. I have such a passion to do the same and to see God glorified on my journey.

Copyright 1994 Exodus International