Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

So, if you are still battling with this whole notion of whether it is sin or not start asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, if you believe masturbation is permissible, what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

Everyone’s body is sexual. Once puberty hits, there are parts of the human body designed to react to stimulation by experiencing pleasure. These body parts–called “erogenous zones”–don’t have a mind of their own. They don’t know who or what is touching them, whether it’s a male or female, or if the situation is right or wrong; they just respond to physical touch the way they are designed to, regardless of circumstance.

If you are exposed to sexual activity in a way God didn’t intend–such as through abuse, or with someone you’re not married to, or someone of the same gender–and your body experiences some degree of pleasure, that does not mean that you are gay, bi or anything else. It does not mean that that sexual experience was right for you. It simply means that your body is working, and that’s all.

Sometimes our emotions can get caught up in these experiences, too, and we have confusing feelings toward people or circumstances when we begin to associate them with sexual pleasure. This is natural because we’re supposed to associate sex with a very special kind of intimacy, the intimacy we have with our life-long spouse. God made us so that our mind and heart would naturally form a special bond to the person with whom we share a sexual connection. This is why God is so adamant that we save sexual activity for marriage, the only kind of relationship where we can safely enjoy that kind of closeness (check out 1st Corinthians 6:15-20).

Not every gay-identified person participates in these often militant efforts, but the efforts are very real and they have specific goals when it comes to youth. Those goals include:

• Promoting homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles as healthy, positive and normal.
• Disintegrating all meaning of gender.
• Silencing and vilifying any different point of view.
• Undermining parental authority to indoctrinate kids.
• Rewriting Christian principles.
• Polarizing students, so that anyone who is not “gay-affirming” is labeled a bigot.

These may seem like pretty extreme statements, but there are several organizations and tens of millions of dollars a year dedicated to these goals.

GLSEN and GSA’s

Most notable among these organizations is the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), an educational lobbying and activist group that is the primary force behind the promotion of Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in high schools, middle schools and universities nationwide.

Their ‘resources’

A quick browse through the books GLSEN recommends for 7th through 12th graders will give you a glimpse into the value system they want the next generation to adopt. Here’s a look:

Free Your Mind by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman, for instance, is a comprehensive guide-to-life for youth who think they may be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. In truth, this book is full of deceptive, dangerous advice. Teens are encouraged to find “meaningful new relationships” via gay and lesbian chat rooms on the internet. The book also greatly overstates the protection offered by condoms, and lists “bathing together” and mutual masturbation as “safe” sexual practices.

Furthermore, Free Your Mind attacks the faith of teens. Throughout several chapters, young people are repeatedly urged to leave their churches if they do not embrace homosexuality. A whole chapter is devoted to “debunking” the Bible.

“…there isn’t any single truth…The one thing you really should beware of in life is when any human being tells you that they have the truth. Run as fast as you can. No one has the truth.” (Free Your Mind, p. 274)

Another book GLSEN recommends for teens, Revolutionary Voices, portrays dangerous lifestyles as positive forms of “diversity.” In the book, one young man shares his story of doing “sex work” involving cross-dressing and sadomasochsim. Revolutionary Voices calls these things an “empowering experience.”

The GSA Network also produced Beyond the Binary, a “gender activism” guide that encourages students to fight the notion that we are made male and female. The booklet teaches that gender is arbitrary, that one can move back and forth between genders, be both at the same time, or invent a new gender altogether–and that schools and other individuals should be forced to recognize these assumed “genders.”

Other controversies

The state of Massachusetts has always been at the forefront of homosexual activism. At least two years in a row, GLSEN (funded by state tax revenue) hosted workshops on school grounds, in which students received graphic instruction on how to perform different homosexual acts. Sex “kits” were passed out, and after a sweeping public outcry, parents were banned when the event was repeated.

More recently, the GSA Network in California elected a man to its Board of Directors who was widely known as a pornographer who peddled pictures of young men to x-rated magazines. When contacted and asked whether they were aware of this individual’s activities, no one from the GSA Network responded. The board member, however, subsequently stepped down.

The actions and attitudes of those who run these organizations don’t quite reflect those of the kids who actually take part in the clubs themselves. Most teens who join GSA’s (who are not all gay-identified) are drawn to the ideals of safety, equality and tolerance that these organizations espouse. What they get, though, is a deceptive and destructive crash-course in immorality.

School Policies

Gay advocacy groups spend millions lobbying every level of government in order to have an impact on school policies and curriculum. California is an example of where they’ve had the most success. The State Senate there has passed bills requiring schools to portray homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles positively through “Tolerance Training.” Other legislation would force schools to allow transgender-identified students to use opposite-sex bathrooms and locker rooms.

As a matter of course, these activists seek to shut parents out while they are changing the educational system. The legislation mentioned above explicitly states that parents are not to be notified about “Tolerance Training” courses, and are not allowed to opt their children out of them.

So What Can You Do?

It’s so important for Christian parents to be involve themselves and communicate with the school. Make sure you know about meetings with school board and faculty members that parents can have access to. Find out the best way to stay up to date on changes in curriculum and policy in your district.

Christian legal groups like the Alliance Defense Fund can advise and support parents facing legal issues with their local districts and governments.

The most effective response to this growing movement, though, comes through Christian students. More than anyone, they have a greater freedom of opportunity to share the truth and love of the Gospel on their campuses. So make sure your youth pastor is educating and equipping students with the truth about these issues. We’ve got some great resources available to help them do that.

Students also have the most freedom (legally speaking) to bring Christian-themed information and resource onto their campuses. Through special campaigns like Allies, Too and the Day of Truth, young Christians can have a huge impact on public schools.

Related Links:

The World According to PFLAG: Why PFLAG and Children Don’t Mix from the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)

If you’re like me, all those testimonies from now-married “ex-gays” and those who have been “supernaturally delivered” from their struggle can be more of a frustration than an encouragement. Who can give men like us practical, understanding guidance? In the midst of an ongoing battle, how ought we to think about ourselves, our struggles, our future and our God?

As a single guy who continues to experience h same-sex attractions, these questions matter a heck of a lot to me. The world around me would say, “You’re still gay and nothing can change it! Accepting it is the only thing that will make you happy.” But, my faith in God’s Word-as well as my conviction and my personal experience-tell me otherwise.

The transformation many of us desire is a complete 180-degree turnaround of our sexual attractions; a transformation of our feelings. And let’s be honest, we often hope or expect that this change should occur without much of our own effort or sacrifice. But the Bible tells us that our metamorphosis as Christians happens a different way:

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 (emphasis added)

God wants to change the way we think about everything, including this issue. We can’t adopt the world’s point of view and just obey our urges. So how can we transform our thinking in order to gain more freedom? Here are some areas I’m personally growing in that I hope will be an encouragement to you.

Stop Making Unfair Comparisons.
I’ve noticed something interesting among those of us on this journey. It;s the way we label; not how we label people who struggle with SSA, but those who don’t. Sometimes we call them “ever-straights.” Sometimes we just shorten “he doesn’t struggle with homosexuality” down to “he doesn’t struggle.”

“He doesn’t struggle.” Although we say that for the sake of abbreviation, I think it’s literally our attitude sometimes. Those of us with SSA tend to look at people without it as the favored ones-like they’re breezing through life, easily attaining maturity and enjoying blissful intimacy while we’re struggling to hold our fragile pieces together.

Sure, our struggle is a little bit different, but everybody’s broken and everyone has a hard time living in purity and authentic intimacy-especially when it comes to marriage. Many of Exodus’s Member Ministries serve people with all kinds of sexual brokenness issues, including heterosexuals. What I’ve learned from years of growing alongside these men is that we are so much alike. This woe-is-me mindset frustrates us and kills our hope; and it’s a lie.

“But, Mike,” you might say, “they’re allowed to follow their feelings and urges, and marry whoever they want.”

Um, no they’re not. Every man deals with feelings and urges that pull him away from God’s explicit will for our sexuality. Or did you think other Christian men’s sex drives always cooperate with them in abstaining until marriage, and then staying faithful? They too struggle with wandering and lustful eyes, curiosity about other people, the fleeting infatuations. They have to crucify the flesh daily, just like you and me.

“Ever-straights” may even face a few hazards that you and I don’t. Our battle with homosexuality is much more apparent, and the spiritual leaders in our lives have an easy time spotting unhealthy relationships we may get into. But, for the opposite-sex struggler, relationships based on lust and/or unhealthy dependencies can sometimes slip under the radar, masking as romance. They may be able to pursue their flesh with more leniency, but don’t think they don’t pay for it! I consider myself lucky to have begun dealing with my intimacy and identity issues before jumping into the most important relationship of my life.

And they can’t marry whoever they want; “ever-straights” still face rejection, disappointments, and the melancholy longing after someone they can never have. They also have to grow and get over it. We are all called to love and pursue godly intimacy in a world that is decidedly ungodly. Everyone struggles.

Stop obsessing about how much you will (or won’t) enjoy heterosexual sex.
You’ve thought about it, and so have I. What if I don’t enjoy sex with my spouse? What if I still want to have sex with other men (or women, if you’re a woman)? The skeptics certainly say all the time that we “ex-gays” only have sexually frustrated lives ahead of us.

We often say the opposite of homosexuality isn’t heterosexuality, it’s holiness. That means God is calling us away from a me-centered life, including a me-centered sexuality. We’ve spent a lot of time programming ourselves through fantasy, masturbation, pornography and encounters to be utterly selfish with our sexuality. Marriage is the absolute antithesis of that.

The Bible tells us that once we are married our body actually belongs to our spouse. If you haven’t lived with that attitude in singleness, it’s not going to come naturally once you say your vows. The best way to be ready is by following this other Biblical command: to offer your body as a living sacrifice to God, because it ultimately belongs to Him.

People often ask me if I have sexual fantasies about women now, because that’s what the world would consider change. But God wants me to change not into a man who still wraps himself up in self-absorbed fantasy, but one who’s ready to put my wife before myself-and put Him first.

Afraid you won’t enjoy the sex? Well, if your priority is your own satisfaction and the living out of your overly-developed obsessions, no, you won’t enjoy the intimacy of sex within marriage. You know what? Neither would an “ever-straight” with the same mindset. They might be able to marry according to their worldly desires, but it will never fulfill the endless hunger of selfishness. Real closeness grows out of commitment to a person, and following God’s will.

Don’t worry; sex God’s way will be the best.

Quit letting your temptations dictate your identity.
Ongoing temptation makes it so difficult to see ourselves for who we are, growing in Christ. We’ve started to recognize our convictions and the truth of Scripture, and to obey it, but then we see something that triggers our fleshly desires and we feel swept away. Sometimes it feels like picking up that card in a board game that says, “Go Back to Start.”

So the world laughs at us for still seeking healing in change, in spite of the struggle it is. Sometimes even our fellow Christians look down on us, or doubt there really is any hope for change. All of it can make those voices from eons ago come rushing back, calling us fag, queer, dyke. How can I escape this identity? At times it would seem to make more sense to just give in to the idea that this is who I really am.

But God has put this truth in my heart that keeps repeating itself to me: homosexuality is an experience you have, it’s not a thing that you are. I know my SSA developed out of a deficit of male love growing up, and my insecurity in my own masculinity. It’s not a legitimate way to experience intimacy, or fulfill the desire for oneness with another that God has placed in all of us.

I also am confident that when God said, “Do not practice homosexuality,” he wasn’t switching gears from ‘Loving God’ to ‘Rule-Making, Fun-Hating God.’ His commands come from his loving heart, the same heart that sent his Son to save me.

The fact that temptation remains is only to be expected, for many reasons. First of all because while my sinful nature is fading away to make room for Christ’s new life-and it is-I will not be fully free of it until Heaven.

Secondly, I certainly spent a lot of time indulging my homosexual desire-and using it as a defense mechanism. For several of the most formative years of my life, I drowned every disappointment, sorrow and insecurity in pornography, fantasy and sexual partners. Jesus’ forgiveness erases my guilt, but not my memory. When hard times come, some part of me will always remember that that stuff once numbed my pain.

The good news is, that’s all it ever was: an illusion I used to protect myself. Now, armed with the truth and with a God who loves me cares about my problems, I can choose to deal with my pain rightly.

Do what you know you should be doing.
Like you, I can’t stand preachers who self-righteously blast us from the pulpit, as though we could just flip a switch and make our struggle go away. Even the temptations that fall into our path are not so easily avoided.

But you know what? God’s made me realize that I haven’t been willing to admit it when it is that easy. Let’s face it: we like our sin. That doesn’t mean we’re truly gay inside. That means we are people who continue to struggle with our sinfulness, just like everyone (can I make this point enough?).

Is the internet a temptation? Why do you still have access to it when you don’t have to? Get accountability software. Give your wireless card to a friend so you can only go online when they’re around. Have a friend, parent or mentor install a blocker and set the password. Get that DSL connection out of your bedroom. Whatever excuse you’re using to keep that temptation there-need it for work, personal webpage, etc.-it’s not worth it.

Do you really have to hang out with your gay friends? You know what it does to you, and you know you’re not “being a light” to them. You will feel the loss of that acceptance, and you may face the heat of their anger. Deal with it. God will provide healthy, godly new friendships for you in time. You’re hanging onto the old ones for the sake of your flesh, and you have to let go.

Feeling convicted about an unhealthy relationship? Tell a mentor or counselor, or a trustworthy and mature friend. Figure out what boundaries you need to set up, or whether you need to cut it off completely, and take care of it.

Having trouble finding a mentor, or relationships that provide encouragement and accountability? Show some initiative! Offer encouragement and accountability to others, and see if it doesn’t come back to you. If you hit brick walls, don’t give up and whine. Keep asking, keep looking. If you have to move on to another church, then move on.

So if your eye-even your good eye-causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29

There’s nothing worth missing our abundant life in Christ for. And there’s too much we don’t know to waste time neglecting what we do know. Start being the person you want to be, and making the choices you’ve always wished you would make. You know what you should be doing. Do it.