For those who may not know about this event, the Alliance Defense Fund launched it several years ago as a way to present an alternative viewpoint about homosexuality from a Christian perspective.  Exodus International now hosts this event and we want to help Christian students build relationships with gay-identified friends that reflects both the truth and compassion of Jesus Christ.

But back to my old self for a moment. When I was pre-teen student secretly battling homosexual feelings, I felt so ashamed and fearful to admit a reality I lived with daily.  I kept my battle to myself, hoping no one would ever find out.  Of course, other peers made fun of me and I was constantly reminded of my struggle and inadequacies as I endured the name-calling and derogatory banter in jr. high. Despite this, I was actively committed to my Christian walk.  In fact, it was one of the first times I went deeply into the Scriptures and my relationship with Jesus really took off. He was the only one I felt I could run to.  Ironically, my homosexual attractions, at least at that point in my life, were never a part of my conversations with Him. I kept that hidden away and compartmentalized out of either fear or maybe just a desire to ignore it in hopes that it would go away.

The Southern Baptist church I went to wasn’t uberconservative, but some of the ideology certainly emphasized judgment over grace. I vividly remember my pastor’s one sermon on homosexuality. He quoted from Leviticus and as he did he raised his hand and with a blistering tone said, “Homosexuals are an abomination and they all go to hell.” I knew then and there that to tell anyone of my struggle with homosexual feelings would result in instant rejection. They would tell me my feelings were sick, disgusting, unnatural and an abomination to God.  So I kept my struggle a secret all the while seething with anger and struggling with wounds until one day in high school I released it with a simple phrase, “I’m gay.” I felt instant relief.

As I think back to that time in my life, I’ve wondered what would have happened if the Day of Truth was around back then. I wonder what my life would look like if I had been able to confide in a fellow Christian who didn’t reject me for my struggle, but encouraged me with hope and truth.  For me, the isolation was palpable and the conversations I had with myself only solidified the nagging thought I was gay and I needed to embrace and celebrate it.  But would I have done so if I had heard a redemptive message from compassionate Christians, instead of the condemnatory one I’d heard at church?

I can’t really say what I would have done, but I think things may have been different. I didn’t know people were walking free from homosexuality until later in life. I didn’t hear a message of hope and grace until after I had embraced the gay-identity — a time when I really didn’t want to hear it.  Had I had friends that I could trust with my secrets with who could pour out God’s grace over the coals of judgment I had been walking on, I think my choices would have been different.

The truth is I don’t think there is a student out there dealing with homosexual feelings that actually rejoices in and embraces it instantly.  It takes time for that to happen, if it does at all. I was just a teen desperate for love, unconditional love, one in which I could bare all my trash and not be rejected.  I was a teen desperate to hear of a loving Father who knew my brokenness whether I admitted it to Him or not.

Today, I think of all the students struggling with same-sex attraction on campuses across America. I think about the guy who is in the same place I was more than ten years ago who is secretly struggling.  He’s thinking that if his friends reject him it will be too much for him to bear. He’s thinking that maybe the answer is just to stay silent.  I want him to know that God loves him and that He hasn’t abandoned him and never will. I want him to know that God longs to be with him even in his struggle with same-sex attraction.  I want his friends to show him Christ-like compassion and allow him to be safely transparent, struggles and all.  I want him to hear a message of hope — maybe even on the Day of Truth. Maybe then he won’t go down the same road I have traveled.

Knowing the Holy Spirit is present and active when you share your stories, compassion, and the truth, can reduce any stress or fear you have.  This no longer is about what you can do.  Realizing the Holy Spirit is active allows you to step back and allow Him to move.  Sharing on the Day of Truth then becomes what the Holy Spirit can do in and through you.  You don’t have to change people.  You can trust the Lord to use the message of truth you share to impact your peers in His way and in His time.

There’s a familiar saying that I think is important to remember:  You must catch the fish first before you can clean it.  So many people think that homosexuals have to change before they step foot into church – Jesus never demonstrated that.  He never demanded the broken to change before coming to Him.  He knew their need – it was Christ, himself.  He invited them to come to Him and through that interaction He propelled change in their lives. That’s the way it is with our gay friends!  We bring them to Jesus, and then He sets the work of transformation in their lives in His own timing.

Our duty is to meet them right where they are, walk with them, and encourage them.  We can’t be the Holy Spirit in their lives.  But we can be friends who speak truth in love and trust Christ to do the healing work.  He’s the only one who can.  Believing the power of the Holy Spirit will greatly impact how you relate.  Knowing you don’t have to do it all on your own provides a huge relief.  You can allow the Holy Spirit to work and you will begin to see that He isn’t only changing your friend’s life, but you too are being changed in the process.

You’ll find that you aren’t the only one to be an impact in your friend’s life.  When I was in the early stages of walking free from a homosexual identity I didn’t think I could offer anything.  People could pour into me, but there wasn’t anything in me to pour out into others.  But as relationships grew and strengthened I found that my friend was being poured into as well.  We were both being blessed and changed through our friendship.  One friend even began to share his struggles more openly with another friend and me because I had been so vulnerable with my struggle with homosexuality.  So be open and willing to receive whatever the Lord has for you through any relationships that may come about.

We are all on a journey.  Some of us are just a few steps ahead of others.  Some actually have a heading, while others are still lost and wandering with no direction.  We, as Christians, have direction and we are to find the wanderers and point them to our heading – Christ. No matter if we are maturing Christians, new Christians, or ones that have not yet found Christ, God has some growing to do in all of us.  He’ll begin to transform your struggling, gay-identified friend, but don’t miss out on the change He wants to do in your life too!

I’ve heard countless stories from students who have participated in previous Day of Truth events that paint a rather harsh picture.  Students have been criticized and humiliated in front of their classmates by teachers – teachers who have fallen prey to pro-gay rhetoric and have lost understanding of what tolerance truly means.  Depending on your school atmosphere, you may very well experience the same kind of condemnation, anger, and judgment.  How will you handle the guards that may be thrown up to counteract your message, or the offensive attacks that may pop up when you participate?

Experiencing pressure and personal attack because you want to dialogue and share your own beliefs on homosexuality can be discouraging and even scary.  It can be difficult to stand up for a belief that is constantly pounded by waves of skepticism, anger, and ideology that what you believe is a load of crock.  When facing such negative feedback, it’s important to keep everything in perspective.  There are some important things to remember if and when you experience resistance to your desire to dialogue and share counter-culture truths.

Don’t take the attack personally.  This can be so hard to do.  Our emotions and identity can be hindered if we allow what other people say to have power over us.  When you speak truth, the world is not going to understand or easily swallow it.  There will always be opposition to the truth. You’ll probably even experience some hatred.  Christ tells us that if the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated Him first.  He has chosen you out of the world and that is why the world hates you (John 14:18-19).

By living out of the reality that we are in Christ, this separates us from the world.  We experience opposition because we walk in the Truth and the world pulls so far against the Truth.  If the world hated Christ, it certainly will hate those who proclaim Him.  So don’t take it personally.  Be confident in your identity in Christ.  He is the one who called you and He is the one who will protect you.  Know that He has your back and rejoices in the fact that you are trusting in His favor, strength, and wisdom in sharing the gospel message with students who desperately need Him!

Remember whom you are fighting for and against.  We are all guilty of being competitive sometimes in our lives.  It seems to be our natural tendency to become defensive and argue for the sake of being right when someone attacks our views.  Remember the Day of Truth is not about arguing, even if it’s tempting to prove classmates or teachers wrong who criticize you.  On DoT, and hopefully the many days after, you are fighting for the very people who may be judging you.  The reason you participate in this event is to fight for the freedom that Christ offers to those in your schools who are gay-identified or are struggling in secrecy.

Fighting for their freedom means promoting respectful dialogue and conversation.  If someone tries to argue with you, “It is honorable to refrain from strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).  Though some people may not be willing to respectfully dialogue and may become abrasive, don’t give into quarreling.  You want to reach and minister to people, not turn them away.  There may be instances where you must stand your ground and confront a person who is going too far with criticism.  But don’t fall prey to arguing just to prove your rightness. Keep persevering and fighting the good fight.  After all, you’re not trying to win an argument, but win souls.  Look past the anger and see the person that God loves very much.

While you fight for those who may be coming against you, remember you are fighting against something far greater than flesh and blood. “Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:11-12).  It’s hard to do sometimes, especially when you are in the midst of crossfire, but keep a Kingdom perspective.  While it seems you may be fighting against gay-identified students and those who support homosexuality, you really aren’t.  There is a dark force at work in the world, and you are bringing the Truth to combat the schemes of the true enemy.  Keeping this perspective can help you with any situation you may face when a fellow student or teacher attacks your message.

Know that it’s worth it! Hopefully the reality of what some students face on the Day of Truth is not a discouragement for you. This can be a heated topic to address with others, but it is paramount to begin these discussions with your peers.  I was a struggling teenager who desperately needed to hear the redemptive side of homosexuality.  The persecution you may face will be well worth it if only a few seeds are planted, even if you never see the final results of a life forever changed.  You may just reach that one struggling student who is starving for a better answer to his homosexual feelings.

Your perseverance and boldness in proclaiming the truth will impact your school and your witness.  Be encouraged to know that God is behind you and is rooting for you.  He will bless your courageous acts in ways that you may not ever see.  You will not only be sharing the freedom and hope in Christ, but also advancing the Kingdom – and that is huge!  Know that participating in the Day of Truth you are making a great impact for the King and the Kingdom.  Realizing that, makes it all worth it!  2 Corinthians 4:8-10 states, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be made visible in our bodies.”  We are the visible representation of Christ and will make Him known through our own humiliation at times.  So, be encouraged knowing that you are sharing a life-changing, life-giving, message.

Have you heard about the Day of Truth? You’ve probably seen announcements about it on the Exodus Youth website and perhaps in our Facebook Group. You may be wondering why Exodus is involved and if you are a student personally struggling with same-sex attractions you may think, “Why should I be involved in the Day of Truth?” If you’re feeling that your participation may not be very beneficial or necessary, that is far from the truth. We encourage you to be involved because you are a valuable and much needed asset to this event. Regardless of if you’re a student who secretly struggles or open about your struggle with same sex attractions, you have so much to offer. Your unique perspective and personal experience with homosexuality can be a much needed asset to helping other Day of Truth participants prepare for the conversations taking place at your school.

As an individual who is fighting same sex struggles and submitting this battle daily to Christ, you bring a different and much needed redemptive viewpoint to other DOT participants. They can learn a lot from your personal battle with this issue and gain a better understanding for those students they are actually trying to reach. You have rejected the world’s answer to homosexuality and are experiencing a new-found freedom through Jesus Christ. You are proof that there is another way! By participating in Day of Truth, you can be an advocate for other hurting and struggling students at your school.

Now, please don’t hear us saying that you should broadcast your battle with homosexuality to your whole school. This certainly may not be the time and place for that, but you don’t have to share your testimony in order to be effective. You can still be a great influence in helping bring understanding and compassion to this issue without divulging your own personal battle.

However, if you feel lead to share your story to the DOT participants and/or the student group you’re involved in, be bold in your freedom and share the redemption you’ve experienced through Christ. Be confident that you’re not alone and there are thousands of other students battling right alongside you all throughout the world. Your story can plant seeds of life into the hearts of the broken and help other Christians see the grace of God in a new and different way.

By participating in Day of Truth you can make a difference. Whether you feel lead to share your story or not, you can be an invaluable asset to other participants and the students they are reaching out to. Hopefully, the conversations will continue beyond this one day event and the Lord will use you to bring real answers and hope to a culture impacted by homosexuality.

by Jayson Graves

Could you use some help with resisting temptation? Do you ever struggle with temptation feeling or seeming like sin in and of itself? Well, the good news is, there’s plenty more like you, myself included. And there’s also hope and help available to you. I know I can relate with feeling like this and so can many of my counseling clients and I’d like to give you a few tips that might bring clarity and hope and free you up to live the abundant life God intends for you.

Temptation vs. Sin
For me, this started to happen once I realized that just because something was a temptation for me, that didn’t mean I was in sin. Sin (or ‘mistakes’ against God) has to do with willful actions and thoughts…not simply being presented with the idea of these things. There’s a line between thinking and doing and while the former can lead to the latter, it doesn’t have to. I have struggled with this because sometimes the thoughts can seem so real. I’ve gotten down on myself because I even had these thoughts in the first place and bought into the lie that there was something wrong with me. Sound familiar? It’s called false shame and it’s the enemy’s biggest trick.

Jesus’ example with temptation
Well, here’s a few things to think about that worked for me-see what you think and maybe you’d be willing to try them as well. First, try taking Jesus’ model for handling temptation as your own. Remember how he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights? Well, in that experience he gives us a great example for when we’re tempted: He simply quoted scripture and chose to do the right thing. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as simple as quoting scripture; there’s a lot else Jesus had going for him that allowed him to invoke the word of God to the point that it was just enough for him to be able to make the right choices. Not to mention the fact that he’s God.

But notice, he didn’t just quote scripture. He avoided getting down on himself for having the temptation and downward spiraling. He avoided getting into a dialogue with the enemy or himself about it-he didn’t weigh the options. He just focused on the word and kept on doing his thing. I think this is what scripture talks about when it suggests the idea of “taking thoughts captive.” We have to have something to take those thoughts captive TO.

Setting scripture goals
To that point, a cop doesn’t just walk up to a criminal and tell him he’s captive, he takes him to jail. Similarly, memorizing scripture just like Jesus did, gives us somewhere to put these unwanted thoughts and helps us in the process of overcoming these temptations. So, we can start by setting a scripture memorization goal for ourselves.

Putting a HALT(S) to temptation
Once I realized the power of Jesus’ example, I had to also start caring for my heart by asking myself “What am I feeling?” and doing a quick self-assessment using the word ‘HALTS’ whenever temptation came around. That way, the enemy could no longer manipulate me by trying to get me to meet my legitimate needs with illegitimate solutions. ‘HALTS’ or ‘H. A. L. T. S.’  stands for 9 things: hungry, angry lonely, tired, sick, sad, stressed, scared and shameful.

Once you’ve got those memorized, its just a matter of going through each one when temptation comes around and choosing to meet the need that each feeling represents and being responsible with your heart that way instead of selling out to sinful choices. Coming up with an action plan for your most common triggering feelings in advance is not a bad idea either.

No man (or woman) is an island
Lastly, we can’t do this alone. Connecting with other believers and committing to a group of people fighting similar temptation issues is really important. When choosing a group, make sure it’s a group that people are committed to attending weekly and not just “dropping in” whenever they feel like it. Also, you’ll want to connect with people who are truly submitting to accountability with each other in their group experience, not just “hanging out.” The third essential quality of a healthy group is that it’s interactive-we have to be able to speak the truth in love with gentleness and respect to one another so the idea of “no cross-talk” is just plain missing something.

Now I know doing a group can be intimidating but at least take the risk and give it a try. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And if you can’t find a local group or don’t feel comfortable showing up in person, try a teleconference group where you can connect over the telephone.

Boiling it down
Well, I trust this helps you and brings you hope! Remember, resisting temptation involves following Jesus’ example with scripture, responsibly meeting our valid needs and plugging into a regular accountability group. So be empowered and get connected and don’t forget: If thousands of people in recovery like me can live in victory with God’s help and the help of other warriors, so can you, my friend!

“Jenny,” I said. “I’m Gay.”

“Alright…” she replied, “but do you want to be gay?” No one had ever asked me that before. No one ever gave me that choice. I knew I wasn’t born gay, but somehow I developed homosexual attractions and now I couldn’t make them go away.

I was born in Miami to a Cuban mother and a Colombian father. Due to “X” circumstances my mom and dad were unable to raise me and I was sent to live with my aunt and grandmother. Looking back now, I can see plainly that my whole family loved me but I’ve come to learn that sometimes the facts get missed and misperceptions can easily become truths to a little boy with unanswered questions. I wondered why my mom and dad weren’t around like the other kid’s parents. My aunt and grandmother never told me why, only that my mom and dad loved me very much. Cartoons and kids movies gave me the only answer I could find: “What is a kid with no parents? An orphan.” I came to the conclusion that my mom and dad abandoned me like a little baby left on the stoop of a kindly family. I barely knew my mother and rarely got to see her. My father lived in Colombia and I had no memory of him. I wondered what it was that made them want to leave.

To my aunt and my grandmother I was the prince of the world. No wish went unanswered. If I wanted a bike, I got a bike. If I wanted a toy, I had it within a week. I even remember a particular Christmas with dozens of ninja turtle figurines and a tent to boot! But both women had their own wounds and though they loved me dearly, they didn’t always know how to love me. My Aunt felt she had to compensate for both my lack of mother and father and had a hard time trying to balance being both the nurturing mother and tough father. As a result she often threatened to send me off to military school if I got bad grades. Many a night was spent crying dreading the bad report card in my book bag, fearing I would be sent away. As for my grandmother, she had been hurt in her past and harbored resentment towards men. Resentment she often voiced to me.

Like I said before, I knew I wasn’t born gay. I remember liking girls from an early age and having play ground love triangles. I remember my first kiss with Maria behind the lake and enjoying it. But around age 8 sexuality was corrupted for me as I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighborhood. This brought alot of shame for me and instead of confronting the issue my family moved to a new neighborhood and never spoke of it again.

In this new neighborhood I made friends with another boy and his sister. Our relationship started innocently enough, spending every afternoon playing super Nintendo as fourth graders would. However, as their parents were never home; our curiosity got us into trouble as we discovered pornography. Our afternoons of Mario Kart were soon abandoned for afternoons of pornography as he, his sister and I sat fixated in front of the TV watching porn. This was the beginning of a serious porn addiction for me. I found myself attracted to the women in the films but felt ugly, unworthy and undeserving of them. I made the connection that good looking guys are deserving of good looking women and began to envy the men in the films wishing to be like them. As I continued watching pornography my fixation turned to the men, studying their bodies and comparing them to mine, hating myself and wishing I were them.

By 12 I received my first computer along with the internet and a new gateway to pornography. As my fixation was on men, my browsing led me to gay porn which idolized the male body. At first I was disgusted but as I was continuously exposed to it I became desensitized to it, and as I went through puberty I began to contextualize sexuality within the concept of homosexuality. What once disgusted me became tolerable and then even desirable until eventually it became an infatuation.

By this time I had come to put my faith in Christ. I read my bible and joined a church participating in their youth group and even becoming Bible Club president of my high school. I so loved Jesus that most everyone in my 4000 student high school knew me as “churchboy.” I thought the best way to minister to my classmates in those days was to put on a happy face and pretend to be a happy shiny Christian. I thought if everyone saw how great it was to be in Christ they’d all want in too!  But while in high school, as in love with Jesus as I was I secretly struggled with same gender attractions. I didn’t think I could tell anyone for fear of “shaming Christ” and being a “stumbling block” to weak believers. Sadly, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized Jesus is not a candy bar to be marketed but that Living Water can sell itself. I began to live a double life as I would often watch pornography all night only to go to school the next morning and pretend all was ok. I was desperately looking for answers but too afraid to ask.

All my life I had dreamt of being married to a girl one day, raising a family, watching our kids go off to college and grow old together. My faith and my understanding of the Bible told me that homosexuality was not in line with God’s will for my life. From all around me I heard teachers and pop culture telling me I was born gay, that I needed to accept it and “come out of the closet.” Essentially, I felt the world was telling me to abandon my faith and all my dreams of a family for a label and a life I wanted no part of. So I tried to pray. I believed God answered the prayers of his faithful and believed God would take away the struggle. I tried to ignore it and pretend it didnt exists, but it bubbled up each time with more intensity until I found myself on the floor of my room every night crying begging God to kill me or take away the struggle. But He didn’t.

Eventually, the summer after graduation I told a gay friend of mine what I had been experiencing. I felt so free. He told me everything I was longing to hear. He told me I was handsome and that he loved my sense of humor and that he had a crush on me for a while. But the freedom I felt soon disappeared as I realized I was more and more becoming a person I didn’t recognize with a future that I didn’t want. I began to withdraw and even became dark. This is when Jenny confronted me. She didn’t look at me with the christian pity face I had so often given people myself. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she genuinely wanted to know if I was happy being gay. I told her: “of course not Jenny! but what can I do? I’ve tried everything not to be gay but here I am!” I understand now that ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t “trying everything” just like ignoring a baby and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop him from crying.

She didn’t have all the answers but she did tell me she heard of a support group for people trying to leave homosexuality. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that before. I showed up at the end of that month and met 10 other people just like me who found themselves with attractions they never wanted (and some who were now living successfully apart from homosexuality!) The next month I went to an Exodus conference and met 1000 more from around the country and some from around the world. This was the answer to the question I had for so long been afraid to ask and for once I realized I didn’t have to be ashamed and I didn’t have to be afraid to ask questions.

I came back a changed person. Not because anything that happened at Exodus but simply because for the first time in years I had hope. Hope that I didn’t have to live a life I was unhappy with, that my dreams of a family can be fulfilled that I don’t have to be a slave of my circumstances. Hope because I saw real people living happily beyond the “gay” label: some who married and others who were just content to be single.

The five years that followed were hard, and there was a lot of work I still had to do. I developed habits and addictions over the years that weren’t going to be easy to break. But the key was community.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I did in high school and mislead anyone. I’m not a finished work. I’m still growing. As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth. And I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “I was gay, but I’m ok now,” my story is not about that at all. My story is that I found myself going into a lifestyle I wanted no part in. I found myself taking on a label I didn’t want and becoming a person I didn’t recognize until someone gave me a choice, until someone told me I didn’t have to be gay. It’s about being empowered to live the life I want to live.

What kind of life do you want?

Carrying signs bearing the words “I’m Gay and It’s OK” and “Christ Taught Love Not Hate,” the protesters lined both sides of San Jacinto Street in front of the downtown church.

They sang “Jesus Loves Me” and cheered when passing motorists honked their horns and waved in support.

“Most of the people here are Christians, and they’re taking offense at the Baptist Church trying to say how Christ’s love should be interpreted,” said Patrick Hancock, who attended the peaceful protest. It was organized earlier this week when someone noticed the sermon topic on the church marquee.

While I don’t know the exact content of the sermon, the statements of the protesters reveal some of the fundamental misunderstandings people in modern America have about the Gospel of Jesus–especially when it comes to this issue.

It’s pretty common that I hear attitudes like Mr. Hancock’s expressed; people believe that to say homosexuality is sinful is the same thing as saying that God doesn’t love people who struggle with it or embrace it.

What people seem to forget is that Jesus consistently reminded people that we are all sinners in need of saving.

“So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.” Matthew 7:11 NLT (emphasis added)

“…And you will perish, too, unless you repent of your sins and turn to God.” Luke 13:3 NLT

Remember the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11)? Jesus defended her from the people who wanted to condemn her to death (and revealed that they were really no better than she was). The scene ends, though, with Jesus telling the woman to leave her life of sin (verse 11).

Imagine if she had then brushed Jesus off and accused him of hate! Sadly, that’s what a lot of people did in Jesus’ time when they heard the meat of his message, and they’re still doing it today.

The Gospel is about God’s unconditional love for every person in the world, and that because of this unconditional love we have the opportunity to be forgiven of our sins and make–with God’s help–a radical change of direction in our lives; in essence, to go from self-serving to God-serving. A gospel that’s just about “acceptance” and good feelings and ignores the call to repent and obey God is not the Gospel at all.

Like I said, I don’t know the exact content of the sermon, but from the article it seems like the preacher got the basics right.

He said Sunday’s sermon was part of the “Politically Incorrect” series he’s preaching that explores seven of the most controversial beliefs that Christians can articulate in today’s culture.

Of those, “homosexuality is probably the most culturally explosive issue,” he acknowledged. “Even though culture changes, God’s word doesn’t change.”

Dr. Jeffress said the purpose of his sermon was to “let Christians know what the Bible says about this important topic, and to reaffirm that any and every sin can be forgiven.”

For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?

These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.

Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away

SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.

There are bigger issues at work

The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:

“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org

You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.

Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.

The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.

Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing

We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.

The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?

Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.

So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.

Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex

Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?

Everyone’s struggle is different

We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.

For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.

The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).

Identity is Bigger than Feelings

Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.

Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.

“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine

If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).

When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:

“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”

As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.

Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.

God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.

The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.

Know how your choices will affect your future

God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.

More from Joe Dallas:

“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”

This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)

If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.

After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.

Hope for the Road Ahead

So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.

Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.

It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.

God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.

And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.

Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)

The answer is, you can probably relate to those who struggle with SSA a lot more than you think!

If you look at homosexuality on a surface level–simply as sexual and/or romantic desires for the same sex–it’s probably not something you can relate to at all. It’s important to realize, though, that the attractions are not what this struggle is all about. In truth, the underlying issues that someone with SSA needs to deal with are a lot more universal than even they realize.

There are some great resources that thoroughly lay out what the homosexual struggle is all about, but let’s take a quick look at what we’re really trying to understand.

Say you’re a male youth leader who’s never had a same-sex attraction issue in his life. How on earth can you understand a young man who thinks he might be gay? Well, he’s not just dealing with SSA. For years he’s probably been wrestling with:

• a long unmet need for an older man to love, challenge and affirm him in the way dads should.
• a crippling fear that he doesn’t measure up to what a boy–and a man–is supposed to be.
• shame from moments in life when his perceived inadequacy seemed to show.
• negative ideas about women taken from unhealthy examples in family and/or society.
• negative ideas about the masculine role in family and other relationships.
• a need to be accepted as just one of the guys.

Isn’t that stuff you can relate to? The reality is that guys struggling with their sexual identity on a surface level are really dealing with these issues on a heart level. Most guys get lost to some degree on the journey into manhood, and the result is all kinds of sin and struggle. Guys with SSA are the same; they just hold many of those inadequacies a little more deeply in some ways.

Ladies, you may never have considered yourself lesbian or bisexual, but the root issues that sexually confused teen girls face might not be that unfamiliar to you.

• longing for a nurturing, affirming mother-figure
• desire to be beautiful, yet scared of unwanted or dangerous attention that may come as a result
• struggles with healthy boundaries in friendships
• negative feelings about what it means to be desired by a man
• negative feelings about a perceived “role” imposed by society, the Church, etc.

While or brokenness may bear different fruit, it often shares a common root. You may or may not be able to understand how a particular student came to struggle with SSA, but that isn’t what they need most from you anyway.

Exodus ministries, counselors and resources can help young people delve into the deeper issues underlying homosexuality in an effective way. They can also help you become more knowledgeable and comfortable in your role mentoring and teaching these students.

What’s most important, though, is not what you know about their struggle–it’s simply that you know, and that you love them and will walk with them through these first years of their journey, which isn’t even mostly about homosexuality, anyway.

When they need to talk about it, listen. And if they ask a question, “I don’t know” is often a perfectly fine answer. An even better one is, “I don’t know, but let’s ask God, and trust Him, together.”

Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Maybe you’re struggling with same-sex attraction or you know somebody who is. The good news: you’re not alone! Or maybe you heard about Exodus somewhere and just couldn’t believe something like this really existed. In any case, we’re glad you’re here to find answers for yourself. Let’s talk about it:

• What are you guys all about?
• Is God mad at me?
• What does “freedom from homosexuality” really mean?
• So what now?

What are you guys all about?

Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.

Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.

Is God mad at me?

It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!

First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.

The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.

God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.

What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?

What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.

There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.

The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you have difficulty living out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.

No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.

Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way.  For many of us, our struggle began with the strong feeling that we were “different,” we were outsiders who didn’t belong. Little did we know how that belief would shape things to come. But freedom is about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you.

Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.

So what now?

If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!

First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has helpful articles and encouraging testimonies from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.

Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through safe online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an Exodus Member Ministry near you where you can find a counselor or support group.

The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.

You can also search Exodus’ Church Network to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.

There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)