Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

Ultimately you must search your own heart with God’s help to determine if it is sin or not.  The best way to tell is by asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin for you.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, masturbation may possibly be permissible, but what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

I never felt shame as an abuse victim, mainly because I didn’t think I was abused.  I just saw those few instances as mere opportunities for an older guy to provide me what I was already hungry for.  I was just as responsible for what happened as he was, I thought.  It was merely an experience in the past with no consequences to my soul or well-being.  Having gone through a recovery program I should have known better.

After almost six years of walking away from a homosexual identity, the reality of those experiences hit me.  I’ve been working with a counselor for the last six months, and in the early stages of our meetings, the topic of what happened with the older guy came up.  As I tried to minimize the actions that took place, my counselor reacted in a way that shocked me.  He acted as if the sexual encounters with this older guy were consequential and influential in how I interact and relate to the world around me.  

The weeks after that I began to come to the point of accepting the fact that I had been sexually abused.  It wasn’t something that I had control over.  Though the experiences felt good and provided for a need that I had, enjoying it did not make me responsible for what happened.  I was a young, naive, ten year old starving for male affection.  Understanding this allowed me to see the encounters for what they were.

I began to accept the idea that I had been sexually abused, but I still struggled with the idea of it really having an impact on my life.  Of course I had issues, but I didn’t believe they stemmed from the few encounters I had with the older guy.  But, as I began to read and learn more about sexual abuse, I was able to see how it made a profound impression on me.  Sexual abuse survivors are usually skeptical of everyone – Bingo!  Sexual abuse survivors have a hard time trusting people – Right here!  These two characteristics describe me exactly.  I’ve had trust issues with people for as long as I can remember, and I’m always skeptical of people – the ones I know and the ones I don’t know.  I really believe this has hindered me from building relationships with more people.

Can there be anything else God?  That’s what I’d ask.  Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people?  Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again.  I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood.  The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?

I didn’t want to go to God.  I was tired of being hurt.  So I was going to handle everything on my own.  This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage.  Why did God fail me?  I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to.

Have you ever found yourself in that position?  It’s as if you are tired of being powerless and no longer want to be dependent on anyone, because that leaves you violated.  I was powerless with the older guy and was violated.  I was dependent on God, and felt violated by Him.  This put me in a place of turning inward, trusting myself.  This was the easier and “safer” thing to do.  But instead of growing and healing, I spiraled downwards into my own despair.  The very source of my life had become the disdain of my soul.  But in running from the Source, I was running from my own healing.

So many times I hear people saying that the Lord didn’t cause this traumatic experience in your life, He merely allowed it to happen to use for the good of His Kingdom in the future; or He was there in the midst of the pain – He was there weeping tears of pain in those situations.  I can’t really say that right now regarding my sexual abuse.  I’m not at a place to really see that yet.  Honestly the wounds are still very raw, and I do hurt, still questioning why God allowed this to happen.  But I’ve learned through the couple of months of pure pain and desperation, that I can’t walk this out alone, and if you’ve been abused you can’t either.

How can you trust when you’ve been violated?  It’s a process I’m still walking through.  Whether you’ve been abused sexually or not, we are all marred with some kind of violation to our bodies and souls.  It’s easy to project our own concept of God on to Him, when in reality He is a being far bigger and mysterious to even grasp, much less label with our own notions of who God is.  He’s not a violator like my abuser.  He’s not a broken human being like so many that have caused emotional scarring in me, and I in them.  He’s a creator of life; He’s love; He’s father; He’s your protector.

Psalm 18:1-2 says this:

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” (emphasis added).

I can’t tell you that I’m at peace with the fact that I was abused.  I can’t tell you that He allowed this to happen to bring glory and honor to Himself.  But I can tell you that I can’t heal from this violation without Him.  Though I found myself in a place of unbelief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, I can tell you now that He is faithful and a stronghold for our protection.  I know it grieves His heart when any form of brokenness is acted out on His precious children.  And I know that He is a restorer.  I couldn’t restore myself to wholeness…even if I tried.  I need a redeemer to redeem the darkness of my past.  We all do.

Trusting is hard when you’ve been violated.  But I know the one who was violated himself on our behalf (Isaiah 53:5) is the person to trust in this dark time you may be facing.  Believe in who God says He is and allow yourself to fall vulnerable before the one who will never violate or forsake you.  Barricade yourself in the one who is your shield, strength, and stronghold.  Trusting when you’ve  been violated in the one who redeems will truly bring about restoration and healing in your life.

Place yourself in the shoes of a gay-identified, or homosexually struggling peer.  Imagine you grew up feeling different and alienated from your same-sex peers.  You’ve struggled with feelings and attractions towards the same-sex for as long as you can remember.  Out of shame or guilt, you’ve hidden it from your family, friends, church leaders, and the world around you.  The last thing you want is for anyone to know your “secret” as you pray night after night for God to free you of this struggle.  You wonder how this even happened and why, out of all the things you could struggle with, homosexuality has to be your struggle.  You didn’t choose to have these attractions; they just developed and you feel like there is no way to make it all go away.  These are the kinds of things that characterize a person’s life who is dealing with same sex feelings and attractions.  Once you can get an idea of what they are going through, hopefully you are able to view them in a different light.  They are no longer “sick” people who choose to have these feelings.  They are dealing with temptations and sin.  As Paul writes in Romans 7: 15, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”  We certainly can find commonality in that!

Homosexuality is no greater sin than any other sinful behaviors or “trivial” sins such as lying or gossiping.  As the old saying goes, the ground is level at the foot of the Cross.  Everyone is given the same opportunity at the foot of the Cross to receive forgiveness of our sinful behavior along with a new identity and strength to live a life free of the bondage of sin.  Knowing this can help Christians, who may not struggle in this particular area of temptation or sin, relate to those who do.

Relating…It Can Happen
I’ve often heard from gay-identified students that Christians have no understanding of what it’s like to have these attractions and feelings.   That certainly isn’t true!  While you may not be able to relate to their specific struggle or attraction, you can definitely relate to their struggle with humanity and sinful nature.  We can all relate to being tempted, falling short, and even giving up when the battle simply becomes too difficult.  A majority of Christians have found themselves in bondage to one sin or another at some point in their lives.  So relating to those with same-sex attractions isn’t impossible.

I remember joining a men’s sexual integrity group at my church a few years ago, thinking I wouldn’t find any help or healing through this group.  Only one other guy and I were dealing with homosexuality.  I thought “Surely, I couldn’t relate with the other guys in the group and they couldn’t relate to me.”  But the longer I stayed in the group, the more I realized that I had made a false assumption about these guys.  I never felt ostracized or judged when I talked about my struggle, because the other guys knew and understood that we were in this thing together.  No matter what the particular attraction was, we were all dealing with sexual brokenness – lust, temptation, and habitual sins.

I learned through that great group of men that it is possible to relate to someone dealing with homosexuality even if you have never had a homosexual thought in your life.  You see, those men realized we were dealing with the same struggles with temptation and sin, just in our own unique ways. Together we realized that this was merely Satan’s attempt at keeping us from experiencing true intimacy with Christ, embracing our true identity in Christ, and recognizing the righteous authority we’ve been give to live a life of freedom.   A lot of my personal healing took place in this group, because I was able to see that not only could they relate to me, but I could also relate to them.

In reaching out, don’t allow a wall of unfamiliarity to divide you from peers who either struggle with or embrace homosexuality.  You’re not that different!  It’s important to realize and share your own shortcomings and struggles.  This can help you meet them in and through your own brokenness.  Be vulnerable about your own struggles, about difficulties you face or have faced, and how we all need a Savior to forgive us and help us daily fight temptations that aim to keep us from experiencing God’s best for our lives.  Vulnerability breeds vulnerability and the more you open up and show authenticity, the more your gay-identified friend will open up.  This will allow you the opportunity to speak into his or her life, understand how to pray for them, and hopefully witness God’s transforming power at work in all of our lives.

by Jayson Graves

Could you use some help with resisting temptation? Do you ever struggle with temptation feeling or seeming like sin in and of itself? Well, the good news is, there’s plenty more like you, myself included. And there’s also hope and help available to you. I know I can relate with feeling like this and so can many of my counseling clients and I’d like to give you a few tips that might bring clarity and hope and free you up to live the abundant life God intends for you.

Temptation vs. Sin
For me, this started to happen once I realized that just because something was a temptation for me, that didn’t mean I was in sin. Sin (or ‘mistakes’ against God) has to do with willful actions and thoughts…not simply being presented with the idea of these things. There’s a line between thinking and doing and while the former can lead to the latter, it doesn’t have to. I have struggled with this because sometimes the thoughts can seem so real. I’ve gotten down on myself because I even had these thoughts in the first place and bought into the lie that there was something wrong with me. Sound familiar? It’s called false shame and it’s the enemy’s biggest trick.

Jesus’ example with temptation
Well, here’s a few things to think about that worked for me-see what you think and maybe you’d be willing to try them as well. First, try taking Jesus’ model for handling temptation as your own. Remember how he was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights? Well, in that experience he gives us a great example for when we’re tempted: He simply quoted scripture and chose to do the right thing. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as simple as quoting scripture; there’s a lot else Jesus had going for him that allowed him to invoke the word of God to the point that it was just enough for him to be able to make the right choices. Not to mention the fact that he’s God.

But notice, he didn’t just quote scripture. He avoided getting down on himself for having the temptation and downward spiraling. He avoided getting into a dialogue with the enemy or himself about it-he didn’t weigh the options. He just focused on the word and kept on doing his thing. I think this is what scripture talks about when it suggests the idea of “taking thoughts captive.” We have to have something to take those thoughts captive TO.

Setting scripture goals
To that point, a cop doesn’t just walk up to a criminal and tell him he’s captive, he takes him to jail. Similarly, memorizing scripture just like Jesus did, gives us somewhere to put these unwanted thoughts and helps us in the process of overcoming these temptations. So, we can start by setting a scripture memorization goal for ourselves.

Putting a HALT(S) to temptation
Once I realized the power of Jesus’ example, I had to also start caring for my heart by asking myself “What am I feeling?” and doing a quick self-assessment using the word ‘HALTS’ whenever temptation came around. That way, the enemy could no longer manipulate me by trying to get me to meet my legitimate needs with illegitimate solutions. ‘HALTS’ or ‘H. A. L. T. S.’  stands for 9 things: hungry, angry lonely, tired, sick, sad, stressed, scared and shameful.

Once you’ve got those memorized, its just a matter of going through each one when temptation comes around and choosing to meet the need that each feeling represents and being responsible with your heart that way instead of selling out to sinful choices. Coming up with an action plan for your most common triggering feelings in advance is not a bad idea either.

No man (or woman) is an island
Lastly, we can’t do this alone. Connecting with other believers and committing to a group of people fighting similar temptation issues is really important. When choosing a group, make sure it’s a group that people are committed to attending weekly and not just “dropping in” whenever they feel like it. Also, you’ll want to connect with people who are truly submitting to accountability with each other in their group experience, not just “hanging out.” The third essential quality of a healthy group is that it’s interactive-we have to be able to speak the truth in love with gentleness and respect to one another so the idea of “no cross-talk” is just plain missing something.

Now I know doing a group can be intimidating but at least take the risk and give it a try. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? And if you can’t find a local group or don’t feel comfortable showing up in person, try a teleconference group where you can connect over the telephone.

Boiling it down
Well, I trust this helps you and brings you hope! Remember, resisting temptation involves following Jesus’ example with scripture, responsibly meeting our valid needs and plugging into a regular accountability group. So be empowered and get connected and don’t forget: If thousands of people in recovery like me can live in victory with God’s help and the help of other warriors, so can you, my friend!

For those who are just starting to look at a journey out of homosexuality, we are often thinking in terms of attraction when we ask about change. Will we always feel our same-sex attractions (SSA) so strongly? Will we ever have opposite-sex attractions (OSA) to a satisfying degree?

These two questions have lots of smaller questions swimming around in them-and those are somewhat different from person to person. Here’s what I think we all, on some level, are afraid of-and how God has helped me through these fears.

Big Fear #1: My Same-Sex Attractions Will Never Go Away

SSA distresses us, and there is no small reason why. It gets in the way of the relationships we want to have-both the same and opposite sex. There also may be a degree of shame we seem to automatically feel about them, especially those of us who grew up in a church atmosphere. Most importantly, they pull us away from the life we believe God has called us to lead.

There are bigger issues at work

The first thing we need to realize about SSA is that it’s not just about attractions. There is so much more going on than just what “floats your boat.” Beyond the physical, powerful emotional needs and identity issues are at work. Even the American Psychological Association recognizes this:

“Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors.”
- “Sexual Orientation and Homosexuality,” APA.org

You probably know that already; most likely, you were aware of the deep longing inside you way before you ever had your first same-sex attraction that was actually sexual or romantic.

Your SSA is just the tip of the iceberg-it’s the part that’s most visible to you. But what makes it such a big deal is all the underlying stuff that’s not so apparent. That’s what makes that chunk of ice so rock steady when we run into it.

The hard thing about that is that we might have to battle those stubborn attractions for some time. If we want to succeed, we have to reorder our priorities so they are more like God’s. We want our attractions to change-and quickly-so we can stop feeling this pain and experience what we think is a normal life. God, on the other hand, wants us to participate in a lifelong redeeming work that is not only for our healing (on so many more levels than sexuality), but is ultimately for bringing Him glory and for calling others into His Kingdom. That’s a tall order-a lot taller than the tip of your iceberg.

Change doesn’t have to be all or nothing

We’re not really afraid that SSA will never go away-we’re afraid that we’ll be forever tormented by this desire that we can’t seem to satisfy, and our relationships will suffer as a result. We’re afraid we’ll be doomed to feel ‘different’ for the rest of our lives.

The world has the wrong idea that if you want to think of yourself as ‘changed,’ you must experience 100% transformation of all attractions or nothing else. If you still experience any SSA, that means you are still gay-or at least bisexual-and you can only be happy by embracing that identity and all the behaviors and beliefs that go along with it. Does that sound like a right way of thinking to you?

Your struggle with SSA may not disappear entirely, but that doesn’t mean it will always stay the same. Neither do homosexual feelings have to totally vanish in order for us to experience a solid core identity in Christ, and even opposite-sex attractions and healthy relationships. All Christians who aspire to sexual purity and integrity still have the experience of being tempted by what the world has to offer instead.

So what if that white ice cap never completely goes away? As God goes beneath the waves and melts away the root issues, heals the hidden wounds and meets our deep inner needs in His way, the iceberg loses its strength. The tip may even melt down a little itself; though still visible, it will be much smaller. And if you happen to run into it, it doesn’t wreck you; it just bumps out of the way.

Big Fear #2: I’ll Never Have Feelings for the Opposite Sex

Not everyone who walks away from a gay identity ends up married and riding off into the sunset. So what does that mean? Are we who struggle with SSA more likely to end up alone, sad and hopeless?

Everyone’s struggle is different

We each wrestle with same-sex identity and attraction issues at different levels. The nature of what we’re really dealing with (the bottom of the iceberg) and our own experiences and choices can affect the intensity and the longevity of our struggle. We can certainly learn from others’ journeys, but make sure you’re looking at another person’s story accurately and not taking on things that don’t apply to you.

For instance, if you are a teen struggling with SSA it wouldn’t be truthful to compare yourself with a 50-year-old man who lived with a gay identity for twenty years before deciding to walk away from it. His struggle has the momentum of all the years he spent thinking, acting and relating to others out of his homosexual inclinations.

The temptations you face may be powerful and seem overwhelming at times, but you don’t have a lifetime of thought and behavioral patterns making it harder (so don’t start!).

Identity is Bigger than Feelings

Don’t define your identity-or progress-by your attractions. Again, attractions can begin to emerge even while you still struggle with SSA. The world would say, “Oh, well you’re bisexual then.” Part of our culture’s problem with these issues is that we let our feelings tell us who we are.

Don’t look at it that way anymore. Our attractions are real, yes, but like our other feelings they don’t necessarily tell us the truth all the time. Your attractions are an experience you have-they are not who and what you are.

“Most exciting” doesn’t mean most genuine

If you’re like me, you might find yourself wondering if sex with your spouse could ever be as exciting or alluring as homosexual temptations (and actions, if you’ve experienced that).

When wrestling with this idea myself, I had a conversation about it with Joe Dallas (author of Desires in Conflict). He let me in on something he’d learned from his many years of ministry to men who struggled with all kinds of sexual sin. Here’s what he said that I want to share with you:

“It’s often true that what arouses a person the most sexually may be (and often is) a behavior he or she has to forgo to satisfy their conscience and world view, making their legitimate sexual options perhaps less immediately gratifying, but, in the long run, more permanently satisfying.”

As you can tell, Joe is a pretty well-educated guy. He is saying that a lot of the time sexual sin can seem more gratifying to us than the sex God called us to have-in terms of temporary thrills, at least.

Why would that be? Sin is entirely self-focused. If you are looking at pornography or fantasizing–or really engaging in any kind of sexual sin–it’s all about you. Pleasing yourself is top priority, so naturally it’s going to feel really good (for the moment). In the end, though, it’s empty of the good things that we long for deep down.

God didn’t create sex just to give us a high. He created it as a way to make intimacy between a man and wife transcendent-that is, taking their spiritual and relational commitment and bringing it into the physical. That’s what the phrase “consummating the marriage” means.

The kind of intimacy we’re called to in marriage (and all relationships, really) can’t be self-focused. But each of us has a selfish nature which is going to resist that and be naturally inclined to temptations that please selfishness. We should not, however, mistake instant gratification for true satisfaction.

Know how your choices will affect your future

God designed us so that sex would be a powerful tool in building intimacy with our spouse. To be frank, when you experience orgasm your brain is literally stamped with whatever person, scenario or image that captured your attention during that experience-you’re literally programming yourself to associate that person (or thing) with sexual pleasure.

More from Joe Dallas:

“I’ve found that when men have an intense, ecstatic sexual experience, their brain records it for future reference. Then, in times of stress or discomfort, they’re reminded of the experience and may be strongly tempted to repeat it.”

This might be what Paul was getting at when he said to the Corinthian church:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18, NLT)

If we carried out God’s intent for our sexuality and reserved it for our spouse only, think how intimate this would help us become! But when we indulge in illegitimate forms of sexuality, our design works against us, and our desire for sin and false intimacy grows.

After enough misuse, your sexuality loses the power to build the kind of intimacy God created you for. Think about that the next time you are tempted.

Hope for the Road Ahead

So can you go from gay to straight? Hopefully you are beginning to realize that neither of these simple, stereotyped labels is adequate to define the mystery of who you are in your God-created gender and sexuality–and your identity as a whole.

Change may not be what we pictured at first or what that the world says it should be-it’s actually much more than that. If we were just talking about therapeutic techniques for altering sexual attraction, that might sound pretty disappointing. But we are talking about a very real God who is all about restoring every last bit of you, down to the core of who you are. He has so much more in store for you than this struggle.

It’s a difficult journey, but God has called us to something that’s far greater than we can imagine. That work will be reflected in the relationships you’ll have as God grows you up and teaches you what relationship is all about.

God is not taking intimacy away from you-He’s taking the counterfeit so you can experience the real thing. If you have a strong desire to get married and start a family, I wouldn’t worry about it. God brings everything about in His timing, and worry never helps the process (Luke 12:25-26). Marriage and family are wonderful things to hope for and look forward to, but let that rest on the back burner for now.

And if you aren’t sure you ever want to get married, don’t feel bad about that either. God’s desire is that you would experience contentment, and that your soul would thrive and bring glory to Him wherever you are in life, regardless of progress or position.

Your struggles don’t have to disappear for you to experience the life God has in store for you. If you commit yourself to follow Christ–whether in singleness or marriage–but are still tempted by the world around you, how would you be different from any other Christian man or woman?

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
(Philippians 3:12-13, The Message)

Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Maybe you’re struggling with same-sex attraction or you know somebody who is. The good news: you’re not alone! Or maybe you heard about Exodus somewhere and just couldn’t believe something like this really existed. In any case, we’re glad you’re here to find answers for yourself. Let’s talk about it:

• What are you guys all about?
• Is God mad at me?
• What does “freedom from homosexuality” really mean?
• So what now?

What are you guys all about?

Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.

Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.

Is God mad at me?

It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!

First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.

The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.

God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.

What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?

What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.

There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.

The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you have difficulty living out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.

No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.

Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way.  For many of us, our struggle began with the strong feeling that we were “different,” we were outsiders who didn’t belong. Little did we know how that belief would shape things to come. But freedom is about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you.

Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.

So what now?

If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!

First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has helpful articles and encouraging testimonies from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.

Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through safe online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an Exodus Member Ministry near you where you can find a counselor or support group.

The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.

You can also search Exodus’ Church Network to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.

There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)

Everybody’s story is a little bit different. Whether you have never acted on your same-sex attractions, have a little bit, or you’ve spent several years proudly declaring “I’m gay,” pursuing freedom from homosexuality is a big decision–and it’s a big journey.The good news: you’re not alone.

What are you guys all about?

Maybe you saw a story about Exodus on the news or the internet. Whenever the media talks about Exodus they call us “an organization that claims it can turn gay people straight.” That’s not what we are. We have no trick or technique to offer you that will cause your same-sex attractions to vanish magically.

Maybe you think you were born gay; or you might suspect something that happened in your life somehow caused you to feel the way you do. Any way you look at it, homosexuality is simply part of human experience. It just happens. What you need to realize is that the human experience is in conflict with the way God created us. Exodus is an organization that believes that conflict is resolved in Jesus Christ, and we’re here to support those who are following him.

Is God mad at me?

It’s common for young people with same-sex attractions to feel a lot of shame–especially where God is concerned. You need to know that there’s no need to be ashamed!

First of all, just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you probably often see two drastically opposed sides fighting over this issue–and neither one is being very helpful. On the one hand you hear that homosexuality is something you are; it’s a concrete part of your being that you can never change. The other side acts like having same-sex attractions somehow makes you an evil person.

The fact is, both extremes are wrong–in different ways.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

You don’t struggle with anything worse than what other people struggle with. In God’s eyes, this temptation is no different. He’s not mad at you. He also promises to give you a way out of temptations, so that you don’t have to obey your desires but can obey Him instead.

God doesn’t see you as different, and God doesn’t see you as stuck.

What does ‘freedom from homosexuality’ really mean?

What does it mean to be free? What kind of change is really possible?

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. (Galatians 5:1)

There’s definitely no easy answer to this struggle. If there was, you would have found it already. Those of us who have discovered what freedom means aren’t immune to struggle, and we aren’t perfect. But we have found new hope, new confidence and new desires through growing in our knowledge of who God really is–and consequently, who we really are, too.

There’s more going on inside you than you realize. Homosexuality isn’t as simple as a gene or a hormone. You don’t experience those feelings just because of something your mom or dad did (or didn’t do). Human sexuality is incredibly complex, and is affected by so many different things in life. Your inborn traits can play into it, and so can your upbringing and experiences.

The reality is, human sexuality is all over the place. Our bodies and our emotions tell us to do all sorts of things we were never made to do (that’s our nature being in conflict with God’s). Even people you might think have it easier than you find it difficult to live out God’s plan for their sexuality–not to mention the rest of their life.

No matter what your struggle looks like, though, it doesn’t have to dictate your identity, actions or destiny. A big part of starting this journey is learning to stop thinking the way the crowd thinks, to stop believing everything you’re told just because it’s popular opinion.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

When you start thinking about yourself the way God thinks about you, you’ll begin to understand what freedom really means. Your same-sex attractions may not go away completely–but they don’t have to dominate your life.

Real freedom doesn’t come from just accepting your desires at face value and acting on them. There might be some temporary gratification, sure, but you probably have already experienced some level of dissatisfaction with going that way. Part of you might feel like embracing gayness isn’t giving you what you really wanted in the first place.

Freedom is about finding out who you really are, what you really need and what you really have to give. God wants to heal you where you’re wounded–not just ease the pain. Freedom is about letting Him meet your desires in His way. It’s about breaking out of the past and not letting it define you. Sometimes, finding out you were wrong is the best news a person can get.

Will you ever experience heterosexual attractions? Could be! There are certainly plenty of people who have been where you are and experienced that kind of change, and went on to get married and have kids. Others have remained single for one reason or another. But you’ll find that those who have stayed on the journey will tell you that, either way, it’s worth it.

So what now?

If you really want to start this journey, you’re going to need some help. And there is plenty of help out there!

First, you probably ought to begin educating yourself to help you understand your struggle and what the journey looks like. To help you do that, Exodus has a lot of great resources available. The main Exodus website also has helpful articles and encouraging testimonies from men and women who have been walking this journey out and know the ropes.

Secondly, it’s important to get connected with people who understand what you’re going through. You can do that through Exodus Youth’s safe, online forums where you can post questions and prayer requests. You can also find out if there is an Exodus Member Ministry near you where you can find a counselor or support group.

The third step is the hardest, and that’s becoming real with the people in your life. Struggling in secret makes the journey a thousand times harder than it needs to be, and nobody has to live that way. Even if you can’t think of anyone you feel comfortable confiding in, we are confident that God has placed trustworthy people near each struggler for this very purpose. Pray and ask Him to show you who those people are.

You can also search Exodus’ Church Network to see if there’s one near you. Church Network churches are safe communities dedicated to welcoming, loving and supporting people with your struggle.

There’s a long road ahead but you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to get to the end before you feel like it’s worth walking it out. You can do it, there is hope and help, and God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (Philippians 1:6)