My friend and I may not have had a lesbian relationship, but we had an emotionally dependent relationship that was unhealthy and stifling.  It left no room for any other friendships.  We depended on each other to the point that we became possessive and jealous if anyone else tried to join our exclusive group of two.  The nature of our friendship became a pattern of idolatry – nothing in our lives mattered more than each other.  When eventually something did matter more than our friendship, namely my college education, our friendship disintegrated into a pile of hurt feelings that led to petty acts of revenge.

Friendships are beautiful when they are meant for the uplifting and edification of each other.  When we want what is best for the other person and are not just trying to get our own emotional needs met, then we are truly a friend.  But often, we aren’t looking out for the best interests of our friend, we are looking to get from them whatever is lacking in our own lives.  We want the other person to be there for us no matter what.  But what if someone else comes along who wants to form a friendship with our friend and spend time with her.  How do we respond?  Are we generous and giving?  Are we willing to spend less time with our friend so she can pursue her dreams and have more well-rounded and healthy relationships instead of focusing on just one, which can be stifling?

I have no doubt that you love your friend.  I love my sister and consider her to be one of my best friends, but that doesn’t mean that we’re lesbians.  Gay activists have tried to say that Ruth and Naomi in the Bible were lesbians because Ruth was dedicated to her mother-in-law and wanted to accompany her back to Judah.  But there is nothing in the Bible to suggest that Ruth’s love for Naomi was sexual, and there is nothing to suggest that a deep friendship that includes self-giving and sacrifice for the sake of your friend’s well-being is the result of homosexual feelings.

God intended for us to have friendships to support one another and see each other become the people that God intended us to be.  This goes wrong when we sexualize our feelings for our friends, when we expect them to meet our every need or when we attempt to meet their every need.  As a community of believers and the body of Christ, we are to freely give our friendship to a variety of people and accept the friendship of others in the same way.  When a friendship becomes exclusive and limiting, it can no longer be called “friendship,” no matter how you “feel” about your friend.  In the end, this type of “friendship” is nothing more than bondage.

Resources

You might want to check out one of these resources about emotional dependency – they explain the problem, help you see if this is a problem in your life, and provide practical advice on getting out.

Emotional Dependency

Emotional Dependency for Guys

We ended up going to the same college and taking a lot of classes together. As we drifted away from our high school friends, we got even closer. He was a really affectionate guy who had no problem hugging me, and sometimes we even wrestled around together. He was so considerate, calling me often and giving me silly little gifts or messages.

There was a down side to this seemingly fulfilling friendship, though. No matter how loving Greg was toward me, I always wanted more. Even if we spent a whole day together, for some reason I would go home at the end of it with a sort of frustrated, dissatisfied feeling. He was very social, and when I saw him laughing with other guys I felt jealous. I always worried, ‘What if he likes them more?’

Then Greg got a girlfriend, and their relationship quickly got serious. Now something inside me was really hurting. He always wanted to be alone with her, and our friendship suffered. I absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of them kissing it made me so angry – a bad angry that left me hopeless and depressed. I realized I was jealous of her, too.

In light of the fact that I was trying to overcome my struggles with homosexuality, this was an incredibly discouraging realization. I thought I was building healthy friendships! I thought this meant I was changing! Instead, I had ‘fallen in love’ with my best friend. I felt like a failure.

Worse still was the end of me and Greg’s friendship. Ultimately, my jealousy over his girlfriend turned into bitterness. Through sarcasm and gossip I sabotaged our relationship, and it went down – badly. When he was no longer a part of my life, it felt like losing a limb to a tragic accident. I was depressed for weeks.

This was one of the worst experiences of my life, and the harder thing was that this happened more than once, with other people. I didn’t learn until a while later that there was a name for this: Emotional Dependency.

What is Emotional Dependency?

The truth is, Greg wasn’t just my best friend, at least not to me. I was trying to make him my best friend, brother, mentor, dad, and honestly, even my god. He was certainly more important to me than God. But why would I, a Christian, do such a thing?

Well, probably because I was still looking for all those things: a brother, a mentor, a father, and God. These were all roles that were inadequately filled in my life. They weren’t perverted desires; they were real needs, and I was desperate to get them filled. But emotional dependency is what happens when we try to consolidate all these needs into one person. For a while, we’re able to buy into the illusion that this is working, and we become thoroughly attached to the object of our need. But eventually the unhealthiness of this practice will get you, like it got me.

You could say I put all my emotional eggs in one basket, my friend Greg. Problem was, he was never big enough to hold them all.

While we never technically had a homosexual relationship, it was emotionally homosexual. In fact, while I was never really drawn to him sexually, being around him often triggered episodes of acting out through internet pornography or even other people. This happened because being around him made me so aware of the deep longing for intimacy I had.

The painful truth is that relationships like this are absolutely sinful and destructive. They’re sinful first of all because they violate the number one commandment: to put God first in your heart and worship no one and nothing else. This is often evident in the ways we compromise our integrity for the sake of the unhealthy relationship – neglecting responsibilities, being self-centered, crossing sexual boundaries, etc.

In a word, it’s idolatry.

It’s also destructive to us. Like someone addicted to junk food, we’re trying to fill a need with something that won’t ever fill it. In the process, we deprive ourselves of what is good and truly fulfilling.

For more information about emotional dependency–how to recognize, overcome and prevent it–check out the new resource, Emotional Dependency for Guys, NOW AVAILABLE from the Exodus Bookstore.