I never felt shame as an abuse victim, mainly because I didn’t think I was abused.  I just saw those few instances as mere opportunities for an older guy to provide me what I was already hungry for.  I was just as responsible for what happened as he was, I thought.  It was merely an experience in the past with no consequences to my soul or well-being.  Having gone through a recovery program I should have known better.

After almost six years of walking away from a homosexual identity, the reality of those experiences hit me.  I’ve been working with a counselor for the last six months, and in the early stages of our meetings, the topic of what happened with the older guy came up.  As I tried to minimize the actions that took place, my counselor reacted in a way that shocked me.  He acted as if the sexual encounters with this older guy were consequential and influential in how I interact and relate to the world around me.  

The weeks after that I began to come to the point of accepting the fact that I had been sexually abused.  It wasn’t something that I had control over.  Though the experiences felt good and provided for a need that I had, enjoying it did not make me responsible for what happened.  I was a young, naive, ten year old starving for male affection.  Understanding this allowed me to see the encounters for what they were.

I began to accept the idea that I had been sexually abused, but I still struggled with the idea of it really having an impact on my life.  Of course I had issues, but I didn’t believe they stemmed from the few encounters I had with the older guy.  But, as I began to read and learn more about sexual abuse, I was able to see how it made a profound impression on me.  Sexual abuse survivors are usually skeptical of everyone – Bingo!  Sexual abuse survivors have a hard time trusting people – Right here!  These two characteristics describe me exactly.  I’ve had trust issues with people for as long as I can remember, and I’m always skeptical of people – the ones I know and the ones I don’t know.  I really believe this has hindered me from building relationships with more people.

Can there be anything else God?  That’s what I’d ask.  Why would such a loving God put one of His children into a situation where he’d grow up feeling gay, skeptical of others, and have the inability to trust people?  Bitterness that I once had began to well up inside of me again.  I was discouraged and fed up with all the stuff I had to work through from my childhood.  The homosexuality thing was enough in and of itself – now this?

I didn’t want to go to God.  I was tired of being hurt.  So I was going to handle everything on my own.  This led me into a deep depression, full of hopelessness, frustration, and rage.  Why did God fail me?  I couldn’t trust Him, I didn’t want to.

Have you ever found yourself in that position?  It’s as if you are tired of being powerless and no longer want to be dependent on anyone, because that leaves you violated.  I was powerless with the older guy and was violated.  I was dependent on God, and felt violated by Him.  This put me in a place of turning inward, trusting myself.  This was the easier and “safer” thing to do.  But instead of growing and healing, I spiraled downwards into my own despair.  The very source of my life had become the disdain of my soul.  But in running from the Source, I was running from my own healing.

So many times I hear people saying that the Lord didn’t cause this traumatic experience in your life, He merely allowed it to happen to use for the good of His Kingdom in the future; or He was there in the midst of the pain – He was there weeping tears of pain in those situations.  I can’t really say that right now regarding my sexual abuse.  I’m not at a place to really see that yet.  Honestly the wounds are still very raw, and I do hurt, still questioning why God allowed this to happen.  But I’ve learned through the couple of months of pure pain and desperation, that I can’t walk this out alone, and if you’ve been abused you can’t either.

How can you trust when you’ve been violated?  It’s a process I’m still walking through.  Whether you’ve been abused sexually or not, we are all marred with some kind of violation to our bodies and souls.  It’s easy to project our own concept of God on to Him, when in reality He is a being far bigger and mysterious to even grasp, much less label with our own notions of who God is.  He’s not a violator like my abuser.  He’s not a broken human being like so many that have caused emotional scarring in me, and I in them.  He’s a creator of life; He’s love; He’s father; He’s your protector.

Psalm 18:1-2 says this:

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.” (emphasis added).

I can’t tell you that I’m at peace with the fact that I was abused.  I can’t tell you that He allowed this to happen to bring glory and honor to Himself.  But I can tell you that I can’t heal from this violation without Him.  Though I found myself in a place of unbelief in God’s goodness and faithfulness, I can tell you now that He is faithful and a stronghold for our protection.  I know it grieves His heart when any form of brokenness is acted out on His precious children.  And I know that He is a restorer.  I couldn’t restore myself to wholeness…even if I tried.  I need a redeemer to redeem the darkness of my past.  We all do.

Trusting is hard when you’ve been violated.  But I know the one who was violated himself on our behalf (Isaiah 53:5) is the person to trust in this dark time you may be facing.  Believe in who God says He is and allow yourself to fall vulnerable before the one who will never violate or forsake you.  Barricade yourself in the one who is your shield, strength, and stronghold.  Trusting when you’ve  been violated in the one who redeems will truly bring about restoration and healing in your life.

Knowing the Holy Spirit is present and active when you share your stories, compassion, and the truth, can reduce any stress or fear you have.  This no longer is about what you can do.  Realizing the Holy Spirit is active allows you to step back and allow Him to move.  Sharing on the Day of Truth then becomes what the Holy Spirit can do in and through you.  You don’t have to change people.  You can trust the Lord to use the message of truth you share to impact your peers in His way and in His time.

There’s a familiar saying that I think is important to remember:  You must catch the fish first before you can clean it.  So many people think that homosexuals have to change before they step foot into church – Jesus never demonstrated that.  He never demanded the broken to change before coming to Him.  He knew their need – it was Christ, himself.  He invited them to come to Him and through that interaction He propelled change in their lives. That’s the way it is with our gay friends!  We bring them to Jesus, and then He sets the work of transformation in their lives in His own timing.

Our duty is to meet them right where they are, walk with them, and encourage them.  We can’t be the Holy Spirit in their lives.  But we can be friends who speak truth in love and trust Christ to do the healing work.  He’s the only one who can.  Believing the power of the Holy Spirit will greatly impact how you relate.  Knowing you don’t have to do it all on your own provides a huge relief.  You can allow the Holy Spirit to work and you will begin to see that He isn’t only changing your friend’s life, but you too are being changed in the process.

You’ll find that you aren’t the only one to be an impact in your friend’s life.  When I was in the early stages of walking free from a homosexual identity I didn’t think I could offer anything.  People could pour into me, but there wasn’t anything in me to pour out into others.  But as relationships grew and strengthened I found that my friend was being poured into as well.  We were both being blessed and changed through our friendship.  One friend even began to share his struggles more openly with another friend and me because I had been so vulnerable with my struggle with homosexuality.  So be open and willing to receive whatever the Lord has for you through any relationships that may come about.

We are all on a journey.  Some of us are just a few steps ahead of others.  Some actually have a heading, while others are still lost and wandering with no direction.  We, as Christians, have direction and we are to find the wanderers and point them to our heading – Christ. No matter if we are maturing Christians, new Christians, or ones that have not yet found Christ, God has some growing to do in all of us.  He’ll begin to transform your struggling, gay-identified friend, but don’t miss out on the change He wants to do in your life too!

The disruption came from a group that calls itself Bash Back, and involved demonstrations outside the church and inside the sanctuary while services were under way, said Mt. Hope Church communications director David Williams.

Members of the group inside the church shouted pro-gay slogans, threw leaflets, unfurled a banner and pulled a fire alarm, then hastily departed, Williams said. There were no injuries, he said.

Other reports note that the demonstrators threw condoms at the congregation, shouted “Jesus was gay!” and made out at the pulpit.

Stories like this can evoke a lot of responses; fear, anger, frustration, doubt–just to name a few. While this particular ‘protest’ definitely falls into a more extreme category than most, there’s no doubt that tensions are rising in the Culture War.

Many within the LGBT community were hurt and angered by the passage of marriage protection measures in California, Arizona and Florida in the 2008 election. This is no surprise, since most people with same-sex attraction have bought into the idea that “gay” is who you are–it’s your unchangeable identity. With that sort of mindset, Biblical standards concerning homosexuality can seem like hatred, and the choice of voters to uphold the Biblical definition of marriage can come across as a personal rejection (even though it’s not). Media fixation on the explosive nature of these topics as well as rhetoric from extremist groups definitely add to the tension and anger on both sides.

The election, however, only underscores a cultural tension that was already pretty strong. On the one hand, you have some in the Christian community who see homosexuals as a “threat” to the nation. Likewise, there are gays who consider Bible-believing Christians to be the source of all the hardship in their lives.

So as the culture war gets more and more heated, how are we as the Body of Christ going to respond? What is our goal, and what resolve do we have?

Standing Strong

We’ve got to realize that we can’t reject, omit or ignore Scripture’s teaching on sin of any kind.

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves…
1st Corinthians 6:9 (NLT)

Don’t fool yourselves. It doesn’t make any sense to compromise the Gospel to make it more attractive to people–because then it’s not really the Gospel at all! But in the face of ever-intensifying opposition, many Christians think that’s the way to go. It certainly seems easier, when Biblical teachings on hot topics like homosexuality stir up the kind of anger expressed by this “Bash Back” group.

The truth is, Christ-followers have been getting into hot water for calling sin what it is and promoting an uncompromised Gospel since the very beginning:

Herod had sent soldiers to arrest and imprison John . . . John had been telling Herod, “It is against God’s law for you to marry your brother’s wife.” So Herodias [the wife] bore a grudge against John and wanted to kill him. Mark 6:17-19 (NLT)

Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property… Hebrews 10:33-34 (NIV)

We haven’t really seen this kind of treatment of Christians in the USA yet. Many could probably claim the “exposed to insult” part; we are stigmatized with labels like “bigot” and “homophobe” and sometimes mocked by popular culture for believing what the Bible says about a variety of issues. Is that reason enough to shy away from Biblical truth?

The early Church, though, faced so much more persecution. Just in these short verses we see people doing jail time and having their personal property seized by the authorities. Oh, and Herodias was eventually successful in her attempts to get John killed. But look how they responded–sympathizing with others who suffered the same persecution, and even accepting it joyfully! Imagine that! Where did they get the strength to have that attitude?

You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.  So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. Hebrews 10:34-35 (NIV, emphasis added)

A truly eternal perspective will give us all the hope and confidence we need to live faithful to the teachings of Jesus Christ. Not only is the persecution we suffer minimal to what our Christian forefathers experienced, but even their trials were no match for the hope that they had in Jesus.

Don’t Forget About the Love

In a culture that seems addicted to polarized debate and rivalry, we can’t forget that a big part of following Jesus is learning to love when it’s the hardest thing to do. We have to really care about and seek to serve those who might be considered our enemies (Matthew 5:44).

Some people won’t acknowledge or receive our love if we refuse to compromise our faith in Scripture. They will probably even accuse us of hate. We have to be okay with that, and keep on loving them anyway.

Love is about telling the hard truths sometimes, but even more than that it’s about caring for the needs of others. Do you have gay neighbors, classmates or friends? Be thinking about practical, kind things you could do for them. As much as we tend to think about preserving and promoting Biblical truth about sexuality, let’s try to think twice as much about how to show Christ’s love in simple, everyday ways. Jesus, after all, made a priority of healing the sick, helping the needy and defending the abused. He didn’t grill them about how they got sick, needy or abused; he just helped.

There are lots of ways we can help those who identify as LGBTQ without compromising Scripture. Stick up for them when they’re being picked on; speak up when people talk demeaningly or abusively and ask them to stop. Reach out to those who are hurting–for whatever reason. Do these things regardless of whether they are acknowledged or appreciated.

Above all, pray for the gay-identified people in your life–all the more for those who really push your buttons!

I’ve had my share of run-ins with radical gay activists. To be honest, they can make me pretty angry. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, but you can’t let that anger pollute the way you think and how you treat people. And you can’t let it steal your own personal peace!

Prayer is a great way to overcome offended feelings. Hope in God’s power to change hearts keeps negativity at bay. Just think how great it would be for the most hard-core, Christian-hating person to experience the kind of transformation that the Apostle Paul did. Did you know he was a vicious persecutor of Christians before he himself became one? (Galatians 1:13) It’s amazing to think that this man who killed Christians in his religious zeal went on to write a big chunk of the New Testament!

I pray for that day that we can say of the most extreme gay activist, “The one who used to persecute us is now preaching the very faith he tried to destroy!” (Galatians 1:23)

Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin. (Leviticus 18:22 NLT)

If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense. (Leviticus 20:13 NLT)

Challenge: There are lots of commands in Leviticus that we don’t follow today, like the rule that you can’t eat shellfish, or combine two kinds of thread.

Answer: Not all Levitical law is the same. There were rules that were moral rules–such as prohibitions against things that were wrong and sinful–and then there were ritualistic commands that the people of Israel were meant to obey as a sign that they belonged to God.

The difference is clear when you study all of Leviticus closely, and you understand the context and the structure of the writing. For an example, in the same passage of Leviticus 18 we find commands against bestiality, incest and adultery. The passage also says: “Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants.” (Lev. 18:24-25).

So these rules obviously didn’t only apply to Israel but to all people, and God was driving these other countries out because all these sexual sins were rampant within them

Lastly, it’s important to realize a few things in light of these harsh-sounding verses. Some people have assumed that, since homosexual acts are called a capital offense by Leviticus 20:13, it’s alright to bully and abuse (verbally or physically) those who are or are perceived to be gay. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Let’s never forget how Jesus responded to the woman caught in the act of adultery:

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”…

They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”

…Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” From John, Chapter 8 (emphasis added)

…God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved. (Romans 1:26-27)

This is part of a larger message Paul is giving in Romans 1 about the descent into sin and depravity that takes place when people don’t acknowledge and worship God (Romans 1:18-32). He’s actually setting up an argument that comes to bear in Chapter 2, that we would be hypocrites to judge others, because in our hearts we do the same things and it’s only through grace that our hearts are changed.

Challenge: Paul wasn’t saying that homosexuality was unnatural–he was saying it is a sin for people who aren’t naturally gay to do those things. But it’s still okay if you were born gay.

Answer: The Bible never talks about homosexuality coming naturally to some people and not to others. All that’s ever mentioned is homosexual behavior–motive and orientation are never addressed. This could only mean that it does not matter why one might engage in homosexuality–it is always wrong.

It also says that the men “burned with lust for each other.” Seems like they found it pretty natural.

Through this writing, Paul makes clear that homosexuality is one of many sinful indulgences that result from turning away from God. But the purpose of this passage isn’t to single out those who struggle with that particular sin–he is leading up to a truth that is greater than human sin (which is shared by us all).

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:23-24)

For a great, in-depth study of Biblical arguments about homosexuality, check out The Gay Gospel by Joe Dallas.

The answer is, you can probably relate to those who struggle with SSA a lot more than you think!

If you look at homosexuality on a surface level–simply as sexual and/or romantic desires for the same sex–it’s probably not something you can relate to at all. It’s important to realize, though, that the attractions are not what this struggle is all about. In truth, the underlying issues that someone with SSA needs to deal with are a lot more universal than even they realize.

There are some great resources that thoroughly lay out what the homosexual struggle is all about, but let’s take a quick look at what we’re really trying to understand.

Say you’re a male youth leader who’s never had a same-sex attraction issue in his life. How on earth can you understand a young man who thinks he might be gay? Well, he’s not just dealing with SSA. For years he’s probably been wrestling with:

• a long unmet need for an older man to love, challenge and affirm him in the way dads should.
• a crippling fear that he doesn’t measure up to what a boy–and a man–is supposed to be.
• shame from moments in life when his perceived inadequacy seemed to show.
• negative ideas about women taken from unhealthy examples in family and/or society.
• negative ideas about the masculine role in family and other relationships.
• a need to be accepted as just one of the guys.

Isn’t that stuff you can relate to? The reality is that guys struggling with their sexual identity on a surface level are really dealing with these issues on a heart level. Most guys get lost to some degree on the journey into manhood, and the result is all kinds of sin and struggle. Guys with SSA are the same; they just hold many of those inadequacies a little more deeply in some ways.

Ladies, you may never have considered yourself lesbian or bisexual, but the root issues that sexually confused teen girls face might not be that unfamiliar to you.

• longing for a nurturing, affirming mother-figure
• desire to be beautiful, yet scared of unwanted or dangerous attention that may come as a result
• struggles with healthy boundaries in friendships
• negative feelings about what it means to be desired by a man
• negative feelings about a perceived “role” imposed by society, the Church, etc.

While or brokenness may bear different fruit, it often shares a common root. You may or may not be able to understand how a particular student came to struggle with SSA, but that isn’t what they need most from you anyway.

Exodus ministries, counselors and resources can help young people delve into the deeper issues underlying homosexuality in an effective way. They can also help you become more knowledgeable and comfortable in your role mentoring and teaching these students.

What’s most important, though, is not what you know about their struggle–it’s simply that you know, and that you love them and will walk with them through these first years of their journey, which isn’t even mostly about homosexuality, anyway.

When they need to talk about it, listen. And if they ask a question, “I don’t know” is often a perfectly fine answer. An even better one is, “I don’t know, but let’s ask God, and trust Him, together.”

A couple of days ago, Tony Woodlief’s WoW post, “Anti-homosexual Christianity,” stirred quite a conversation. Tony looked at a piece of the book UnChristian, whose authors observe of the church that “outsiders say our hostility toward gays – not just opposition to homosexual politics and behaviors but disdain for gay individuals – has become virtually synonymous with the Christian faith.”

The post interested me greatly because I spent quite a bit of time this week talking with former homosexuals, and with Catholic, Jewish, evangelical, and secular counselors and psychologists who help people walk away from unwanted same-sex attraction. Two trends emerged:

First, it appears that the cultural liberation of homosexuality is also liberating those seeking to escape it.

Second, the cultural mainstreaming of homosexuality is awakening some churches to more compassionate ways of dealing with homosexuality – without endorsing the behavior.

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