You Don’t Have to be Gay

Konrad’s book is organized in such a way that an easy to follow progression is maintained.  He starts out by discussing the roots of homosexuality and provides great insight into why one may struggle with this issue.  This leads up to the steps to overcoming the homosexual struggle and how to be proactive in the healing process. The formatting of the book is very conversational making it reader friendly and easy to understand.  The strength is found in the clarity and broad spectrum of homosexuality that Jeff discusses. He pulls information from people such as Elizabeth Moberly, Leanne Payne – author of Crisis in Masculinity, and C.S. Lewis to provide evidence and support for his claims.

The topics discussed are very comprehensive and provide an informative look into the homosexual condition. Common questions that a struggling man may have are answered in these letters.  These answers are resourceful to males who struggle with homosexuality.  They are also beneficial for those who don’t struggle, by helping them understand and gain compassion for their friend or loved one who has same-sex attractions.  When I first read this book, I felt the author was addressing it to me.  The letters are filled with warmth, tenderness, and care which can be healing for a person who may have experienced scorn and disgust previously.

Konrad offers a glimpse into many aspects of the homosexual condition.  He begins by addressing the root of the struggle, which is gender identity.  Early in his book, he states that “homosexuality is but a symptom of a confused, distorted, unaffirmed gender identity, of a disturbed personality which hasn’t yet reached its maturity due to unresolved emotional turmoil and needs left unmet in the course of growing up…gender identity is our identification with our own sex, our sense of maleness and what we perceive to be masculine and feminine…it’s the perception we have of ourselves as being a male or female” (p. 34).  He breaks down gender identity in a way that is clear and concise to the reader.

As the book progresses he offers much wisdom into the importance of a father in his son’s life. Something that rang true for me while reading through the letters was Konrad saying, “homosexuals detach from their fathers to prevent further hurt and/or not to identify with them.  For some this may have been an unconscious, subtle detachment.  But for others, it was an overt vow not to be anything like their father” (p.46).  That is what I experienced as a child with my father which helped me understand even more the struggle I had.  Konrad proceeds to discuss not only the father’s impact on the son, but also the impact a son has on his own identity by his perceptions and interpretation of certain things his father has done.  Sometimes the son perceives rejection from the father when that is not the case.

Konrad goes on to explain other aspects of homosexuality.  One being envy.  “Behind these homosexual temptations…behind these homosexual ‘orientations’…is a root problem of envy…Men who are unaffirmed in their masculinity often don’t see their own masculine traits.  They see only their undesirable traits, or they’re so consumed with what they want that they don’t recognize what they have” (p.81 & 82).  Konrad further details envy and its impact on homosexual attractions that bring the reader clarity and understanding of where these feelings come from.  He does a fine job of providing applicable tools in how to respond to and heal from envy.  One example is when he encourages Mike “to get in touch with your true feelings…If you’re walking across campus and some guy grabs your attention, analyze what you’re actually feeling…You’re now free to become the guy you’ve always wanted to be, but you must first search within yourself to see what prevented you from doing it before” (p. 198, 199).

As Konrad discusses roots and causes of homosexuality he also provides helpful tools in overcoming same-sex attractions and beginning the healing process.  One such tool that he emphasizes is identifying with same-sex peers.  Konrad encourages Mike to build friendships with heterosexual men and learn to identify with and relate to them.  Doing this brings down the barrier that many homosexually-minded men carry, believing they are completely different from their heterosexual counterparts.  After focusing on same-sex relational needs, Konrad addresses the issue of women and brings right understanding to the process.  He states, “…fulfillment of legitimate same-sex needs must precede advancement into heterosexuality…The priority in your life right now should be attempting to satisfy your unmet same-sex need, which can only be accomplished through spending time with other straight guys.  Women can’t resolve your same-sex deficits, so don’t be pushed into dating or trying to establish a heterosexual relationship” (p. 232 & 233).  This is very important to understand, and Konrad does an excellent job defining what true change is – it isn’t going from homosexual-mindedness to heterosexual-mindedness, but from homosexual-mindedness to Christ-mindedness.

From uncovering the wounds of childhood and understanding the role of the father, to discovering the deep issues surrounding the homosexual attraction, Konrad provides a movement of writing that is cogent and well-organized.  As mentioned before, this book incorporates the whole gamut of homosexual attraction and how to work through it.  He offers hope and sensible guidance on how to work through the homosexual struggle by describing what change truly is, how to measure change and not be discouraged by falling, relating to women, what masculinity truly is, and how accountability is important.  This book truly blessed me when I first began the journey out of homosexuality.  It gave me clarity and a broader vision of my homosexual attractions.  I was able to better tackle the discouragement and temptation after reading it.

I strongly encourage any male struggling with homosexuality to read this book.  It is not only educational; it is transformational and filled with hope and optimism.  Konrad does a fine job by utilizing support from well-known psychologists and scholars on homosexual issues to address the root of the matter and provide an alternative to the world’s view of what to do with this attraction.  As a struggler himself, he pulls from a life of experience to provide heartfelt wisdom to a man that is in desperate need of answers.  Reading this book will truly bring great insight and healing for the homosexual struggler, and enlightenment to those who don’t struggle.

Buy your copy today by clicking here!

SALT LAKE CITY — As the number of suicides among lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender populations continues to increase across the nation, concern among the Utah LGBT community has begun to push the issue into the spotlight.

In July, Utah’s LGBT community lost at least three members to suicide, including a 28-year-old man whose death was mourned by more than 300 people during a candlelight vigil on the steps of the state Capitol.

Two other suicides of well-known members of the LGBT community, also gay men, have occurred in the past month. Though the problem is well known to LBGT advocates in Utah and nationwide, there are no statistics to back up its seriousness.

“This is a serious problem in general,” said Valerie Larabee, executive director of the Utah Pride Center, “and it’s a serious problem in Utah.”

Since 2006, Larabee has served on the Utah Suicide Prevention Council, which has identified the state’s LGBT community as a high-risk minority group for suicide.

Larabee said suicide is a common topic of discussion among support groups meeting at the Utah Pride Center.

“Over my 10 years here, every year we’ve had people (in the local LGBT community) who have killed themselves,” she said.

…

Personal

I was homeless for about three weeks when I was 19 and transient for the next 18 months.  It was the only time in my life I truly felt suicidal to the point of thinking it through.  No one knew, except God, how truly close to suicide I was.

I was homeless for those three weeks (living out of my car) because of being thrown out of the house for admitting I was gay.  It was God, sovereignly using a drag queen (named Tim), who intervened to inspire some hope.  Tim gave me a place to stay for a little while.  He told me about a God who would want to meet me at my point of need.  I will never forget his words. After welcoming and settling me into his home, in Jesus name, Tim ran out of the house (heels and all) to do a show.  He did so leaving me to weep over one of the best homecooked southern meals I’ve ever had in my life.  He cooked it just for me when he got the phone call saying I would be there that evening.

I hadn’t had a shower in a while but that didn’t stop Tim from giving me a genuine heartfelt hug I can remember to this day.

It was more than the food comforting me.  God sovereignly worked through a drag queen to reveal a part of Himself that I had never really known before … that God loved me in earthly practical ways.  I learned that when God looked at me, He did so with a current “right now” kind of love.  I know now that because God is loving, He wanted to help even though I would not “know” Him for another five years.  Now, this drag queen did eventually teach me a false version of the gospel that condoned sinful behavior instead of teaching the need for all of me (including my sexuality) to be redeemed. Regardless, I know God used Tim to give me a glimpse of hope and plant a seed of faith.

It should be a challenge to the church when a theologically incorrect drag queen acts more like Christ than we do.

That was over 20 years ago but I think the lesson can still be learned by many in the church today. In this age of grace we shouldn’t be throwing people out into the dark.  Instead we can intervene with life and love of Christ.  There is no shame or condemnation in the point being made here.  I am simply asking the reader to consider the actions of a sovereign God through a drag queen named Tim to help save a life.

Intervention

In my whole life, including the past 18 years as a Christian, I have only known of one suicide and helped with a few suicide interventions.  Of those, three were quite serious suicide interventions.  One was with a man in Texas who was struggling with many things including homosexuality.  That said, from what he shared with me, his struggle with homosexuality wasn’t the primary issue driving his suicidal thoughts.  Another was someone I did not personally know, it was a stranger on the phone in another state.  And another was with a man here in Florida who is a friend but had a substance abuse problem (did not struggle with homosexuality.)

The two people that I was face to face with, I actually drove directly to a local hospital.  The one hospital in Texas had a top notch suicide intervention unit.  In the Texas incident, we were both Christians and he looked at me while I was driving and said, “but they are pro-gay … they are going to tell me that I should just be gay.”  I replied by saying, “they are also supposed to put their professional training first and respect your self-determined spiritual beliefs.  They might disagree with you but they are also professionals and should respect your religious convictions.  It never hurts to hear opposing viewpoints but you have to learn how to deal with life first.”

I also shared, “I am not a professional counselor, I can’t figure out why you aren’t able to cope with life and thinking of suicide.  Whether it is emotional or something actually physiologically wrong (serotonin levels and whatnot) … I don’t have that expertise.  They can not only make sure you stay alive but will hopefully impart some means of being able to cope with life that isn’t in conflict with your beliefs.  As they say in recovery groups, take what you need and leave the rest.  God is bigger than all of this.”  He said, “But what if I come out ‘gay’?”  I said, “right now our first concern is that you come out alive. You must first focus on staying alive.  We can talk about the other issues, if you want, at a later date.  Regardless, I love you, God loves you SO much more, you can do this.”

And that is exactly what happened.  They were very helpful to him and helped him get past the crisis.  They only challenged him lightly on his religious convictions but helped to determine that there were other much larger issues he needed to work through.  He had another round of very serious problems but the last I heard (12? years later), he is no longer suicidal, strong in his faith and apparently doing well in life.

Conclusion

In the past, I have received some light (not much) criticism for my defense of secular helps in recovery and crisis.  I understand.  God is big enough and secular groups have negative effects too. That said, reflecting on the story that opened this post, I know God has gone to places the church refused to go to in order to help save my life.  I know God used this suicide intervention group to help my friend.  I know God is big enough to bring someone to a saving knowledge of Christ regardless of what the church or world does or does not do.  Sure, my preference is strong and godly Christian ministry and counselors … but if they aren’t around for whatever reason … I am not afraid to receive or refer to help from truly professional and not agenda driven secular sources.

Suicide should be studied and honest discussions on prevention should be had all across the board.  People who are truly struggling with suicidal thoughts are in crisis and trite answers or platitudes (from anyone on any side) is not enough or appropriate.

Please be aware of the duty to warn laws in your state (country), pray for those who are feeling suicidal and seek opportunities to help those who are in desperate inner turmoil with practical help and unconditional love.

Something that is so common, a problem for so many Christians, is one of the few things ever discussed in church.  So what is the answer to the question, ‘Is masturbation a sin?’  Is there really anything wrong with it?  I mean, what’s the harm?  What does the Bible say?

The Bible doesn’t specifically address the issue of masturbation.  Out of the entire scriptures, not one verse mentions masturbation.  The closest one that is used most often in relation to masturbation is Genesis 38:9 -

But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother.

Tamar was Onan’s sister-in-law.  Her husband, Er, was wicked and recently died.  So Judah, Onan’s father told him to lie with Tamar to produce children that Er couldn’t do.  But Onan, spills his seed to prevent himself from impregnating Tamar.  The Lord is angry and ultimately kills him.  So, because he spills his seed, many equate that with masturbation.  But, if you look at the context, it isn’t masturbation the Lord is displeased with, it is the fact that Onan deliberately prevents himself from passing his seed on to Tamar.  He disrespects God’s perfect design by wasting his seed.  The purpose he was to fulfill was thwarted by his own selfish desires.  So this verse we can’t use to defend or condemn masturbation.

But I believe the issue of lust is important to discuss in relation to masturbation.  In my many years of battling with this issue, I’ve heard the arguments that masturbation is alright as long as it doesn’t become an addictive behavior and it’s used as a tool for relaxation and not lust.  But I have not found one time when lust could be suppressed from the act of masturbation.  The two are closely associated.  Masturbation is an artificial expression of sex, and in God’s perfect design, sex is to be a relational, deeply intimate expression between one man and one woman of their sacrificial love for one another.  So how could one be able to masturbate without bringing a relational dynamic into it – most often in the form of fantasy or pornography?

Christopher West, in Theology of the Body for Beginners, shares insights from Pope John Paul II.  He discusses an interesting perspective on lust.  Pope John Paul’s belief is that love and sex ultimately is self-donation.  It is the body’s capacity of expressing love.  A man’s body doesn’t make sense by itself and a woman’s body doesn’t make sense by itself.  Sexual difference reveals the unmistakable plan of God that man and woman are meant to be a “gift” to one another.  This is a whole other subject for a different post.  But this sets the backdrop for what he later brings up about lust:

Lust “passes on the ruins” of the nuptial (marital) meaning of the body and aims directly to satisfy only the “sexual need” of the body.  It seeks “the sensation of sexuality” apart from a true gift of self and a true communion of persons … In reality, lust is a reduction of the original fullness God intended for sexual desire.

Lust is the difference between self-gratification and self-donation, taking versus giving.  You see, sex is a very relational thing.  It was never intended to be enjoyed by oneself.  Regardless of whether you claim you can masturbate without fantasizing or not, it doesn’t matter.  Sex and orgasms were meant for the marriage bed, to unite two individuals in self-giving.

An orgasm was not originally designed for relaxation or for self-indulgence.  I remember hearing a talk one time by Sy Rogers.  I’m paraphrasing and perhaps even restructuring his thought here, but this is the gist of it.  An orgasm, originally, serves as a seal between two individuals.  In a world without pornography and void of masturbation, a man is to meet a woman, fall in love, marry, and unite in the joyous act of sexual intercourse.  When both partners experience orgasm, their other partner is imprinted in their minds, stamped, sealed, and delivered to their brain as the person of their dreams…in essence.  Of course I’m merely paraphrasing.

The dangers of masturbating is imprinting your mind with many different people that were never supposed to be linked to this most intimate act.  A rewiring in your brain happens.  That’s why, at least for me, when I began indulging in pornography I could never masturbate without the fantasy.  Because that was imprinted in my mind.

Can you imagine what it would be like, men, to never have masturbated, never looked at pornography, resisted the temptation to lust, and once you marry and enter the marriage bed for the first time, your wife is the only one imprinted on your mind in the most intimate moment?  That was God’s original intent.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. Galatians 5:16-17

So, if you are still battling with this whole notion of whether it is sin or not start asking yourself these questions, “Do you feel guilty after you do it?” If the answer is yes, then most likely you are feeling conviction, which means it is sin.  Is this something habitual for you?  Has it become an idol?  Then masturbation is not a good or beneficial thing.  Do you use it as a form of medication?  Then masturbation is a substitution for God, and therefore sin.

For those who do truly believe masturbation is possible without lust, then I should ask, what’s the benefit? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:23 that, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” So, if you believe masturbation is permissible, what’s the benefit that it brings other than self-gratification and pleasure? We are called to be living sacrifices, not living self-indulgers.

Ultimately masturbation is a counterfeit form of intimacy and leads to self-focused gratification.  Therefore, how do we deal with it?

First, acknowledge God’s grace and love for you.  If you are trapped in a repetitive, addictive, unbreakable cycle of masturbating, you probably feel a lot of shame and guilt.  If so, embrace God’s love, and rest in His grace for you.  He sees you, not your sin.  Begin to dive deeper into relationship with Him.  Once He supplies your relational needs, then the counterfeit of masturbation loses it’s appeal.  If you are fulfilled in His love, you no longer need the self-gratification or indulgence of pornography or masturbation.

We also must daily deny ourselves, our fleshly desires, and self-focused motivations to Christ.  The longer we starve an addiction, the easier it becomes to resist.  Our bodies are not our own.  “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own” 1 Corinthians 6:19.  As a temple of the Holy Spirit, we should not defile our bodies in acts of self-gratification of any kind.

We must submit our sexuality, sexual appetites, and impulses to God.  He, by His Holy Spirit, will give us the grace and power to resist and fight the temptation to masturbate.  This is something that can be extremely hard to break.  So walk under the grace of our Lord, and not under condemnation.  The more you feel accused, the easier it is to stay stuck in this sin.  God neither accuses or condemns you, because Christ took on all of that for us.  If you are stuck in the repetitive cycle of sin, then I encourage you to truly embrace who you are in Christ.  You are beloved, a dearly loved child of the King.  To learn more about helpful tools and ways to handle temptation read Hope for Resisting Temptation.

If you are using masturbation to medicate pain, loneliness, or brokenness, then acknowledge it and begin to understand what triggers you and how you handle certain issues.  Your brain has been conditioned to respond to hard life situations through masturbation.  It will take some time to retrain your brain and respond to these same situations by turning to Christ who is THE absolute medicator and healer.  Masturbation only medicates for a few minutes.  Christ heals for a lifetime.

This is indeed a reality that so many men struggle with.  It is now becoming a prevalent struggle for women as well.  Don’t keep this in the dark.  Gather around your brothers, men or sisters, women and begin to fight this struggle together.  It is when we bring our dark secrets into the light that freedom comes.  Darkness only perpetuates more bondage.  The more we talk about this in a real, honest, and humble way, the more shame and guilt will relinquish its power to the healing of the community of faith and Christ Himself.

“I think my son wants to be a girl,” the  father blurted out through tear-filled eyes as he entered my office.  He was an enthusiastic father, an articulate, well-educated man, with a passion for God and truth. His wife was with him, tears streaming from her face as she saw the pain in her husband’s heart.  She was a gentle mother with a deep passion for her family and an even deeper passion for the Lord.

“How old is your boy?” I asked.

“He is five and this has been going on for two years.”

…

How do you know that your son wants to be a girl?” I asked. The dad’s response was one that I had heard before and in many ways, was indicative of the confusion I feel exists with gender development in sensitive boys.  The dad began to tell me a myriad of examples where the son was drawn to things the father identified as female:  “He is fascinated with women’s shoes.  He puts his t-shirt over his head and pretends he has long hair.  He loves to touch his mother’s silk nightgowns.  He is fascinated with Ariel in the Little Mermaid and often wants to be her.”

With a quiver in his voice he stated, “And he put on his mothers skirt and was twirling around like a girl. I told him not to do that because that was like a girl!”

This is an issue I have had to think about recently.  A wonderful, concerned mother sent me an email a few weeks ago asking about her five year old son’s peculiar behavior.  He was indeed doing some of the things the boy mentioned in the article was doing.  They were concerned for him, wondering whether he would turn out gay or not.  The truth is, God created him with he temperament and there isn’t anything gay about his interests.  I really like what Ricky says about sensitive boys.

Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.  His little boy’s obsession with women’s shoes were not because he wanted to be a girl, but more because he was aesthetically and visually oriented–and women’s shoes are much more visually exciting than the black, brown or burgundy of men’s shoes.  Women’s shoes have sparkles, bobbles and bows. They come in every color imaginable and are in different shapes and textures. They are an aesthetically gifted boy’s dream!  And he was not trying to identify as a girl when he grabbed his mother’s skirt, put it on, and twirled around.  To him, it was similar to our experience of going to the fair and doing drop art projects where we drop paint on a spinning paper and watch it splatter, but even better. As he moved, he created art and beauty as the colors whirled around him and flowed up and down in the air.  Better yet, he was the center of it all!

I believe any and all of these things can open a path down the road to homosexual feelings IF the parents do not respond in a proper way.  I, myself, fell into this category as a boy.  My favorite movie was actually The Little Mermaid.  I wanted to be Ariel so very badly.  I played with barbie dolls and played dress up.  My parents never scolded me or treated me any differently.  But what I remember is absence of my father in those situations.  I was honestly left to the labels of the world in defining and shaping my perception of myself as a boy.  Without God’s view of masculinity and femininity, I was viewed as ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘gay’.  With the direct influence of my father, guiding my desires and passions, while confirming the masculine inside of me, perhaps same-sex attraction would have never developed in me.

Ricky goes on to discuss the characteristics that sensitive boys tend to have, how their personality, passions and interests can cause pain and marginalization, because the world has a warped and limited perception of masculinity and femininity.  I love the last bit on how to parent and love a sensitive soul.

Affirm the child’s gifting as inherently masculine.  Ballet dancers are men just as much as construction workers, policemen, or actors.  Find ways to see the strength, the initiative, and the drive in what he does and affirm it.  Don’t fall prey to the stereotype that only certain gifts should be possessed by men and others are feminine.  Let the child know he is a man when he does what he has been gifted to do.

Learn to see the world through his eyes.  You will need to practice changing your vision to do this.  Your son sees a world of color and texture, beauty and tragedy, drama and resolution.  All of life is indeed a stage for him.  When you go on a camping trip he may not be as interested in shooting the gun as in pointing binoculars at the myriad of birds and small creatures he sees around him and trying to identify what they are.  He can become mesmerized by the structure, color, and texture of shells on the sea shore or sit for hours observing the ebb and flow of the tide and marvel at how the water changes from emerald to azure over the sandbars. Realize that everything in his world is important to him and somehow connected to him.  He notices nuance and subtlety.  He sees beauty.  You celebrate this and seek to see it too.

I could equate this segment to, loving your child for who they are and not who you want them to be.  I love the emphasis Ricky places on celebrating your child, understanding where they are coming from, and enjoying their interests and perceptions of the world.  A boy may respond very differently to a camping experience than his father, and that’s okay.  It’s always important to remember that children are easily shapeable people.  Their early years are pivotal and foundational in identity development.  If a father celebrates and nurtures the true God-given talents and gifts his son has, the boy will be shaped into a very confident, bold, and artistically talented individual.

Ricky closes with a paragraph on the splendid gift a sensitive boy is to his family.

If you have a sensitive son, know that you have been given a great gift. Though they can have difficulty fitting in at school, they are generally great students, good boys and often will excel in college or  university.  They can develop into amazing men of God who can radically change the world and affect the Kingdom!  They are the Billy Grahams, the Martin Luther King, Jrs., the Mozarts and the Handels of their generation.  It is no wonder they are so targeted by the evil one and tormented by peers. They are world-changes and life-givers. They are the preachers, musicians, artists, dancers, creators and visionaries of our day. Raise them well and bless the Kingdom and the world!

There is so much in this article that resonates with me personally that there just isn’t enough space to take up right now for it.  This is a great reminder of what truly defines masculinity and femininity – our Creator.  The world has these put in boxes, and a very rigid mold a boy and girl have to fit in.  If they don’t, they are labeled as different.  It is indeed obvious why the evil one targets these bright people.  A God-given talent and passion is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  The world has beaten up so many souls because their own soul and creative being didn’t fit the mold.  So another was cast for many – one labeled gay, different, sissy.

This is an exhortation for parents to enjoy their children for who they are, what they like, and what makes them passionate.  This is an encouragement for them to bless the masculinity of their boy who may be more interested in painting and writing, than sports and playing power rangers.  This is also an encouragement for those guys who read this and relate so much to the sensitivity of the boy described here.  You are not weird, you’re not girlie or a sissy.  God created you to bring glory to Himself through the gifts He has given you.  Don’t allow the world or it’s labels to crush the fire that is in you or strip you of your masculinity.  As Ricky states, Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.

Check out Randy’s post about it here.

On another note, we want to hear from you!  What kind of articles would you like to see posted here?  What conversations do you want to get started?  What answers are you looking for?  How can we better serve you here on the website?

Let the suggestions/comments begin!

For those who may not know about this event, the Alliance Defense Fund launched it several years ago as a way to present an alternative viewpoint about homosexuality from a Christian perspective.  Exodus International now hosts this event and we want to help Christian students build relationships with gay-identified friends that reflects both the truth and compassion of Jesus Christ.

But back to my old self for a moment. When I was pre-teen student secretly battling homosexual feelings, I felt so ashamed and fearful to admit a reality I lived with daily.  I kept my battle to myself, hoping no one would ever find out.  Of course, other peers made fun of me and I was constantly reminded of my struggle and inadequacies as I endured the name-calling and derogatory banter in jr. high. Despite this, I was actively committed to my Christian walk.  In fact, it was one of the first times I went deeply into the Scriptures and my relationship with Jesus really took off. He was the only one I felt I could run to.  Ironically, my homosexual attractions, at least at that point in my life, were never a part of my conversations with Him. I kept that hidden away and compartmentalized out of either fear or maybe just a desire to ignore it in hopes that it would go away.

The Southern Baptist church I went to wasn’t uberconservative, but some of the ideology certainly emphasized judgment over grace. I vividly remember my pastor’s one sermon on homosexuality. He quoted from Leviticus and as he did he raised his hand and with a blistering tone said, “Homosexuals are an abomination and they all go to hell.” I knew then and there that to tell anyone of my struggle with homosexual feelings would result in instant rejection. They would tell me my feelings were sick, disgusting, unnatural and an abomination to God.  So I kept my struggle a secret all the while seething with anger and struggling with wounds until one day in high school I released it with a simple phrase, “I’m gay.” I felt instant relief.

As I think back to that time in my life, I’ve wondered what would have happened if the Day of Truth was around back then. I wonder what my life would look like if I had been able to confide in a fellow Christian who didn’t reject me for my struggle, but encouraged me with hope and truth.  For me, the isolation was palpable and the conversations I had with myself only solidified the nagging thought I was gay and I needed to embrace and celebrate it.  But would I have done so if I had heard a redemptive message from compassionate Christians, instead of the condemnatory one I’d heard at church?

I can’t really say what I would have done, but I think things may have been different. I didn’t know people were walking free from homosexuality until later in life. I didn’t hear a message of hope and grace until after I had embraced the gay-identity — a time when I really didn’t want to hear it.  Had I had friends that I could trust with my secrets with who could pour out God’s grace over the coals of judgment I had been walking on, I think my choices would have been different.

The truth is I don’t think there is a student out there dealing with homosexual feelings that actually rejoices in and embraces it instantly.  It takes time for that to happen, if it does at all. I was just a teen desperate for love, unconditional love, one in which I could bare all my trash and not be rejected.  I was a teen desperate to hear of a loving Father who knew my brokenness whether I admitted it to Him or not.

Today, I think of all the students struggling with same-sex attraction on campuses across America. I think about the guy who is in the same place I was more than ten years ago who is secretly struggling.  He’s thinking that if his friends reject him it will be too much for him to bear. He’s thinking that maybe the answer is just to stay silent.  I want him to know that God loves him and that He hasn’t abandoned him and never will. I want him to know that God longs to be with him even in his struggle with same-sex attraction.  I want his friends to show him Christ-like compassion and allow him to be safely transparent, struggles and all.  I want him to hear a message of hope — maybe even on the Day of Truth. Maybe then he won’t go down the same road I have traveled.

Alan Chambers

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Numerous organizations are gearing up to do battle over the platform in which to influence your children. The Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network (GLSEN) is sponsoring the Day of Silence, which according to its website brings attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in schools. Each year the event has grown, now with hundreds of thousands of students coming together to encourage schools and classmates to address the problem of anti-LGBT behavior. If that was all they did I wouldn’t have a problem with promoting it. None whatsoever. Why? Kids do get harassed and bullied. Beaten. Abused. And, as a human being, more so as a Christian, I have a huge problem with ANY child being mistreated for ANY reason. Christians should be the first ones to oppose such abuse of children.

Like I said, GLSEN doesn’t just stand up on behalf of the kids being bullied, though. They go way too far in their definition of “hatred” and “bullying”. They would consider a differing opinion – for instance, an opinion that includes loving a person but disagreeing with homosexuality, as hateful or anti-gay. Ironically, my gay friends don’t think of me as anti-gay, even though I believe that homosexuality is a sin. So, while the need for a day to stand up for kids in this way is necessary, I don’t think Christians can support GLSEN’s efforts for the reason I stated.

Enter Day of Truth (DoT) the school day immediately before the Day of Silence. DoT was founded by the Alliance Defense Fund as a way to encourage kids to speak up about their biblically based beliefs about homosexuality, without fear of being intimidated. DoT also has a bridging and evangelistic component, recognizing that simply stating the truth of scripture doesn’t always lend itself to dialogue or developing relationship. Since Exodus International became a partner with DoT and as we officially take the reigns completely this year from ADF, we want to be sure to stand up for gay and lesbian students who are in need of allies. The fact is that everyone has a right to decide for themselves where they will land on the biblical debate over homosexual behavior, but there should never be a debate over whether a Bible-believing Christian should be a friend to a gay or lesbian student.

My friend Warren Throckmorton started the Golden Rule program 3 years ago to bring a balanced response to the table. He saw the need for Christians to do what scripture mandates in the Golden Rule….”do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Perfect. Almost. I think Warren is right on the money with this, but he unfairly and wrongly characterizes DoT as simply a program aimed at telling people that homosexuality is a sin. I can’t speak for anyone but Exodus when I say that isn’t the mission at all.

Day of Truth isn’t about rhetoric or more raised voices trying to win an argument. DoT is an opportunity for Christian kids to put their faith into action and share their heart on a subject as well as their heart for people. As a kid who battled silently with same-sex attractions when I was in school and was teased mercilessly because everyone perceived as much, I was desperate for someone to stand up for me, befriend me and help me. For gay-identified kids as well as kids who choose not to identify as gay because of their faith, there is a huge need for support and refuge.

While I understand the vow of silence, I don’t think silence is the answer to a problem we must talk about. We can agree to disagree on the roots and legitimacy of homosexuality and stand together in solidarity for kids in need. I know many from the ultra-conservative side of this debate will call me a moderate at best. Some will call me something worse. On the extreme pro-gay side I will be portrayed, as I always am – a hateful person whose biblical position is hateful, even though my rhetoric is softer than others.

Well, frankly, I don’t want to work with extremists on either side. I want to help kids. Regardless of what I believe about scripture and regardless of whether or not you agree or disagree with me doesn’t mean that we can’t work together to help a child. If I stand between a hostile bully and shield a child being bullied then I still helped. Right? Right. The kid getting bullied might or might not care or ask for my opinions on homosexuality. I don’t even have to share them. But, I do have to help kids in need. And, that is why Exodus adopted the Day of Truth. So we can have conversations when they are welcomed and help kids who need help.

No doubt DoT will continue to evolve. I honestly believe we need more than a Day of Truth; we need an equal amount of grace. And, to be sure, I agree that we need to operate under the Golden Rule. Warren sure is on to something straight out of God’s heart there. But, kids who want to know how to share their biblical beliefs need to be trained to do that with great care and compassion.

Maybe next year there can be more common ground and linking arms to support kids. I believe there is common ground to be had. At least all 3 groups are resolute in their support of kids who need someone to stand up for them.

Will you get involved?  Check out the new and improved website for Day of Truth and order materials for your event at Exodus Books.

Remember the event is April 15th!

As I walked into that support group for the first time I came with one solitary question. From reading the scriptures I understood homosexuality was wrong. 1st Corinthians 6:9-10 made clear that “homosexual offenders” were not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. For me it didn’t feel like a choice, the way other sins like prostitution or witchcraft were… I thought as long as I was attracted to men I was not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. I also read in the Gospels accounts of Jesus walking through town healing the lame, blind and deaf even raising people from the dead. My question to the leadership at the group was: “If being gay means I’m going to hell… and if Jesus can heal me… why am I still gay?”

Here is what I’ve learned along the way.

1. When the Bible speaks about homosexuality, its talking about a behavior not a person. When we read the Bible, we look at it through our own cultural filter. We see words such as “homosexual” and think “gay.” what is sad is that today “gay” defines a person not just a behavior. But that was not the case when it was written. The word “homosexual” didn’t even exist until the late 1800s when Karl Maria Kertbenny coined the term “homosexual” to describe someone attracted to the same sex. I struggled because I thought Homosexual was someone I was, not something I did… I felt condemned by my own existence. All other sins were a choice… Prostitution was a choice, idolotry was a choice, slander was a choice… but being gay wasn’t a choice. I had to learn that the Bible wasn’t condemning me because I was struggling, it was condemning an action that very much was a choice.

2.God cares more about your character than He does about your convenience: It is true that God can do anything; what I overlooked was His will. Yes, we see instances in the Bible where God heals people of infirmities, but it is far more common in scripture that His people go through tribulation and temptation. In Romans 8:28, after being told that there is no condemnation in Christ, Paul reassures us that “all things work for the Good of those who love God.” In 2nd Corinthians 3:18 we are told that ultimately we are being transformed into the likeness of God. Would this be accomplished if God simply took my struggle with homosexuality away? Probably not! As people who don’t struggle with homosexuality are also in need of being transformed into the image of God. Rather, God can take my struggle with homosexuality, and make it serve His purpose of drawing me closer to Him. Even Paul speaks of a “thorn in his flesh” which he pleaded for God to take away three times to which God replied “my grace is sufficient for you.” If God did not take the temptations (whatever they were) away from Paul, why should I expect Him to take away mine?

3. lastly, I had to be reminded of a truth that is found throughout the Bible. God does not promise His believers that life will be easy. In fact quite the opposite. In John 16:33 Christ tells his followers “In this world, you will have trouble.” I was living in the false assumption that following God was going to make all my struggles go away. But we should be encouraged because Christ goes on to say “But take heart, for I have overcome the world!” The idea of God as my cosmic concierge, solving my problems and granting me my every wish is very much a modern western idea. Its microwave Christianity. Its prosperity Gospel and it simply is not scriptural. What is scriptural is that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That in all our temptations he provides grace and strength to resist. That He loves us. As a good friend once told me “God never promised that it would be easy, He only promised that it would be worth it!”

All that to say, be encouraged. God does not condemn you. He does have a plan, and will use even this to draw you close to Him. If you face temptation, know that He loves you and promised He will never leave you nor forsake you, draw near to Him and He will draw near to you… It may not be easy, but He is totally worth it!

**Article provided by Philip Lee of His Way Out Ministries.

The above quote reflects a statement I have been offered by many youth over the past several months. While I understand the statement and even on some level appreciate the sincerity and honesty, the statement also grieves me as it reflects the desperate crisis that we face with regard to youth struggling with and combating same-gender attraction. To compound the crisis, all of the youth are Christians, each having been raised in Church and reared in a Christian home. Once again, we find “the elephant” in the room that very, very few want to talk about.

When our path crosses with a struggling youth, we need to be open to partnering with the Lord to help turn the tide in his or her life. During adolescence most people determine the morals and personal identity they will embrace for the remainder of their life. Likewise, much confusion and challenges will take place before any semblance of clarity comes. This is all the more true for youth deciding their sexual identity. Studies have shown that vast numbers of youth entering adolescence are uncertain about their sexual orientation, but few exiting the teenage years remain ambiguous. Therefore, the teenage years are a crucial period for the Church of Jesus Christ to speak to youth tempted by homosexuality and educate each young person regarding the Truth of Scripture regarding the practice of homosexuality. Without a doubt, offering a right and true perspective will not only make a difference to a gay youth, it will distinguish Christians quite a bit from others he or she will encounter.

While it is true that the number of teens embracing homosexuality is alarming, that should not minimize nor dismiss the incredible opportunity we have to reach out to gay youth with the message of salvation and sexual redemption through the Lord Jesus Christ and most assuredly challenge the above quote with the Truth of Scripture.

Homosexuality is a symptom of a spiritual and relational problem. Therefore, simply stopping the behavior is not really getting to the root of what is making the person “feel different.” For the Christian trying to minister to a gay youth, consider asking these questions: Does the young person experience a lot of rejection by others? Is the teen uncomfortable with his gender? Does he spurn others of the same sex, refusing to hang out with anyone other than a gay friend? Is the youth afraid of meeting new people, attending social gatherings, etc.? Is she overly critical or fearful of men? Is the teen envious of certain characteristics others of the same-sex have that he does not? For many trying to reach or reason with a youth struggling with same-gender attraction, the question of “What if people think that I’m gay?” often surfaces. Three words – “Get over it!” Be concerned more with character rather than reputation.

As Christ-followers embracing the truth and totality of Scripture, don’t ever think we have to defend or apologize for what Scripture has clearly said about purity nor must we be enticed to debate or argue with the individual. Recognize it is not really a struggle between “us and them,” it is ultimately between them and the Word of God.

Today, a multitude struggling with various addictions, compulsive behaviors, and habits, are all asking the same question: How long will change take? For any individual, youth or adult struggling with homosexuality, the good news is that homosexual activity may stop as soon as the decision is made to no longer participate. But since homosexual feelings have become closely associated with the youth’s unmet needs, whether real or perceived for emotional intimacy, God most likely will not take away the feelings because He does not take away our needs – instead He helps us meet our needs. The underlying issues that fuel same-gender attraction take time to work through. Herein lies, I believe, why so many youth have become influenced and bought into the notion that even homosexual feelings and desires cannot be resolved. Hence, “I’m just here for you to help me control and manage it,” is often the expectation and attitude of the struggling young person.

It is imperative that we inspire faith in those to whom we minister. In my experience, the ones I have known who have successfully left homosexuality are those who have relinquished control of their lives to the Holy Spirit. Clearly, there is a level of surrender required to resolve any form of sexual and relational brokenness, including homosexuality that many are unwilling to offer. Only God can bring about the changes the youth desires.

While I have met and continue to meet with youth who are determined to resolve the issues of their sexuality, most feel too inadequate, lack motivation and do not have an individual structured in their life to help them through the process of healing and wholeness. Any Christian can emphasize to the hurting that there is hidden need within the heart of everyone that an intimate relationship with God can fill. Reaching gay youth is something we all can do and must do to help searching youth understand God’s abundant plans for their lives and to counteract the pro-gay agenda that desires to ruin all hope for the youth. No one is doomed to be gay, and we may be the only person that will have the courage to share the Good News with a youth struggling with same-gender attraction.

While it is easy enough to become cynical about the times in which we live, remember when God is put in the equation of life, a hope that does not disappoint rises with us. It is true that the number of teens embracing homosexuality has become alarming, but we should trust God and reach out to gay youth with the message of salvation and sexual redemption available through the Lord Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Christians did that for me.

“My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. Do you not say, “Four months more and then the harvest? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest” Jesus Christ.