“I think my son wants to be a girl,” the  father blurted out through tear-filled eyes as he entered my office.  He was an enthusiastic father, an articulate, well-educated man, with a passion for God and truth. His wife was with him, tears streaming from her face as she saw the pain in her husband’s heart.  She was a gentle mother with a deep passion for her family and an even deeper passion for the Lord.

“How old is your boy?” I asked.

“He is five and this has been going on for two years.”

…

How do you know that your son wants to be a girl?” I asked. The dad’s response was one that I had heard before and in many ways, was indicative of the confusion I feel exists with gender development in sensitive boys.  The dad began to tell me a myriad of examples where the son was drawn to things the father identified as female:  “He is fascinated with women’s shoes.  He puts his t-shirt over his head and pretends he has long hair.  He loves to touch his mother’s silk nightgowns.  He is fascinated with Ariel in the Little Mermaid and often wants to be her.”

With a quiver in his voice he stated, “And he put on his mothers skirt and was twirling around like a girl. I told him not to do that because that was like a girl!”

This is an issue I have had to think about recently.  A wonderful, concerned mother sent me an email a few weeks ago asking about her five year old son’s peculiar behavior.  He was indeed doing some of the things the boy mentioned in the article was doing.  They were concerned for him, wondering whether he would turn out gay or not.  The truth is, God created him with he temperament and there isn’t anything gay about his interests.  I really like what Ricky says about sensitive boys.

Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.  His little boy’s obsession with women’s shoes were not because he wanted to be a girl, but more because he was aesthetically and visually oriented–and women’s shoes are much more visually exciting than the black, brown or burgundy of men’s shoes.  Women’s shoes have sparkles, bobbles and bows. They come in every color imaginable and are in different shapes and textures. They are an aesthetically gifted boy’s dream!  And he was not trying to identify as a girl when he grabbed his mother’s skirt, put it on, and twirled around.  To him, it was similar to our experience of going to the fair and doing drop art projects where we drop paint on a spinning paper and watch it splatter, but even better. As he moved, he created art and beauty as the colors whirled around him and flowed up and down in the air.  Better yet, he was the center of it all!

I believe any and all of these things can open a path down the road to homosexual feelings IF the parents do not respond in a proper way.  I, myself, fell into this category as a boy.  My favorite movie was actually The Little Mermaid.  I wanted to be Ariel so very badly.  I played with barbie dolls and played dress up.  My parents never scolded me or treated me any differently.  But what I remember is absence of my father in those situations.  I was honestly left to the labels of the world in defining and shaping my perception of myself as a boy.  Without God’s view of masculinity and femininity, I was viewed as ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘gay’.  With the direct influence of my father, guiding my desires and passions, while confirming the masculine inside of me, perhaps same-sex attraction would have never developed in me.

Ricky goes on to discuss the characteristics that sensitive boys tend to have, how their personality, passions and interests can cause pain and marginalization, because the world has a warped and limited perception of masculinity and femininity.  I love the last bit on how to parent and love a sensitive soul.

Affirm the child’s gifting as inherently masculine.  Ballet dancers are men just as much as construction workers, policemen, or actors.  Find ways to see the strength, the initiative, and the drive in what he does and affirm it.  Don’t fall prey to the stereotype that only certain gifts should be possessed by men and others are feminine.  Let the child know he is a man when he does what he has been gifted to do.

Learn to see the world through his eyes.  You will need to practice changing your vision to do this.  Your son sees a world of color and texture, beauty and tragedy, drama and resolution.  All of life is indeed a stage for him.  When you go on a camping trip he may not be as interested in shooting the gun as in pointing binoculars at the myriad of birds and small creatures he sees around him and trying to identify what they are.  He can become mesmerized by the structure, color, and texture of shells on the sea shore or sit for hours observing the ebb and flow of the tide and marvel at how the water changes from emerald to azure over the sandbars. Realize that everything in his world is important to him and somehow connected to him.  He notices nuance and subtlety.  He sees beauty.  You celebrate this and seek to see it too.

I could equate this segment to, loving your child for who they are and not who you want them to be.  I love the emphasis Ricky places on celebrating your child, understanding where they are coming from, and enjoying their interests and perceptions of the world.  A boy may respond very differently to a camping experience than his father, and that’s okay.  It’s always important to remember that children are easily shapeable people.  Their early years are pivotal and foundational in identity development.  If a father celebrates and nurtures the true God-given talents and gifts his son has, the boy will be shaped into a very confident, bold, and artistically talented individual.

Ricky closes with a paragraph on the splendid gift a sensitive boy is to his family.

If you have a sensitive son, know that you have been given a great gift. Though they can have difficulty fitting in at school, they are generally great students, good boys and often will excel in college or  university.  They can develop into amazing men of God who can radically change the world and affect the Kingdom!  They are the Billy Grahams, the Martin Luther King, Jrs., the Mozarts and the Handels of their generation.  It is no wonder they are so targeted by the evil one and tormented by peers. They are world-changes and life-givers. They are the preachers, musicians, artists, dancers, creators and visionaries of our day. Raise them well and bless the Kingdom and the world!

There is so much in this article that resonates with me personally that there just isn’t enough space to take up right now for it.  This is a great reminder of what truly defines masculinity and femininity – our Creator.  The world has these put in boxes, and a very rigid mold a boy and girl have to fit in.  If they don’t, they are labeled as different.  It is indeed obvious why the evil one targets these bright people.  A God-given talent and passion is nothing to be ashamed of or hide from.  The world has beaten up so many souls because their own soul and creative being didn’t fit the mold.  So another was cast for many – one labeled gay, different, sissy.

This is an exhortation for parents to enjoy their children for who they are, what they like, and what makes them passionate.  This is an encouragement for them to bless the masculinity of their boy who may be more interested in painting and writing, than sports and playing power rangers.  This is also an encouragement for those guys who read this and relate so much to the sensitivity of the boy described here.  You are not weird, you’re not girlie or a sissy.  God created you to bring glory to Himself through the gifts He has given you.  Don’t allow the world or it’s labels to crush the fire that is in you or strip you of your masculinity.  As Ricky states, Sensitive boys are real boys.  They simply are extremely gifted with particular giftings that manifest in emotionally and aesthetically expressive ways.

Check out Randy’s post about it here.

I want to give you a way of thinking about Vision that will pull your recovery from sexual addictions into the future. My heart is to share a few ideas about areas where you can pay attention and with following-through, enrich the process of recovery with greater meaning, radical redemption, and down-right Kingdom authority. I also want to warn you about some common challenges to Vision to help you anticipate how the enemy will try and take you off your God-ordained course.

The bible is clear: “Without a Vision, people will perish!” God wants us to be forward thinkers as a body and as individuals. He has given us each dreams, gifts, talents and passions and He expects a return on His heavenly investment. Well, why is it that so many of us in recovery can’t see past the edge of our 12 steps workbooks? The bottom line is it’s not that we can’t-we often just don’t or simply won’t. But that can change and is changing for many. In fact, men and women all over the world are partnering with God to minister redemption in three key areas: Family, Community, and Culture.

Family Vision
Let’s talk about several ways Family Vision can take place. Maybe you have a spouse who needs a recovery process of their own. They need you to work hard on your own stuff first, but eventually, as a result will be more likely to respond when invited to look at their own issues. (INVITED, being the key word, here!). Perhaps you have kids…they need their parents’ shepherding around their sexuality more than any other time. How about other family or extended kinship? Couldn’t they benefit from your openness regarding the process and victory you’re experiencing? Absolutely!

I have a former client in Tennessee who shared openly with his family about his past struggle, recovery program and healing-as a result, his adult children have entered their own healing partnerships with the Lord and a recovery community of their own. In fact, his daughter wrote a compelling story of faith, openness and purity featuring her dad’s ability to say no to a bunch of peers who wanted him to join them in a visit to a strip club while visiting Las Vegas! Talk about inspiring. Do you think he sleeps easier at night knowing how he’s overcome the enemy’s lies of condemnation and disqualification?

Community Vision
What about our Community Vision? How many times have you recognized an individual you work, attend church with or live near may be struggling? Will you allow God to minister through you to those co-workers, fellow congregants, and neighbors? I know one guy in Reno who was gifted athletically and also suffered from Juvenile Arthritis. When he found out a local girl had the same condition and couldn’t afford treatment, he used his extra time, talent and treasure (which used to be wasted acting-out) to swim across the frigid waters of Lake Tahoe. He raised thousands for her care in the process. Can you get excited about that kind of self-sacrifice? It blows me away!

Cultural Vision
And then there is Vision regarding Culture. Needless to ask, but can you see where the problem of sexual sin has caused erosion and destitution in our land? My friend Shelley Lubben sure has-she’s on a mission to rescue the sexually broken, particularly former actors and actresses in the pornography industry! Then there’s my colleague John Glisson in Georgia, the founder of Higher-Calling.com, one of the most amazing online resources for those trying to heal from sexual brokenness and live a life of purity…a website that gets thousands of hits a day and has helped myriads worldwide. Do you get the sense that these people get excitement and fulfillment from these involvements? Trust me, they’re alive and plugged-in to the Vision they asked the Lord to share with them!

Where do I go from here?
Perhaps you know others on this journey at a similar place of stepping out and you can meet with these people for support and encouragement. I used to meet with a Vision and Leadership group like this for an hour every other week and we discussed these things, challenged one another and took risks. We also anticipated the obstacles that would want to prevent a redemptive partnership with Christ: selfishness, laziness, lack of commitment to our own recovery, being ‘driven’ rather than ‘called,’ pride, arrogance. Listen, these will kill you and steal your dreams so don’t overlook them! Lay them at the cross, pick up your sword and let’s take back the land!

Enjoy the rewards: Hope, Prosperity and Strength
What are your ideas? I mean, I’m not saying you have to go out and save the world tomorrow-focus on getting better as a priority, by all means. But don’t neglect the mandate being given here: “seek the Lord while He may be found,” find out what He means when He says “I have plans to prosper you…to give you a hope and a future,” and “they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.” Ask Him to begin showing you your unique, custom-tailored Vision of redemption and then slowly move into that Vision, one step at a time.

This was not the first study of its kind, neither would it be the last. For years, scientists have been trying to discover the etiology (or cause) of same gender attractions.  Far from purely scientific the research has political consequences as well. Studies have shown that the public’s beliefs about the origins of sexual orientation are directly correlated to their attitude regarding homosexuality and serve to further political causes.  As such a lot of the science has fallen into the hands of political Ideologies. But apart from the politics of science,  what does the research actually say? Is homosexuality learned or innate? Furthermore, is change possible?

To begin, it’s important to clear up a common misunderstanding about the language used in research. Much of the research to date suggest that there may be a biological link to homosexuality. Many have mistakenly taken this to mean that people are born gay – but that is not necessarily what the research suggests. Many things have been found to have a biological link yet we consider within our control. In fact, Dr. Jeffrey Satinover in his book Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth makes the illustration that a person could be born with genes making him tall with great eye-hand coordination, but his genes alone did not make him a basketball player, in fact he had to train and be exposed to basketball before he could become a basketball player. The same kid could have easily devoted himself to academia and become a lawyer, his genes simply gave him the tools needed to become an accomplished basketball player… this is why many scientist are now choosing to say there might be a “pre-disposition”  to homosexuality. The same way we can be predisposed to heart disease, smoking or basketball.(94)

As for actual studies that have been published, three in particular are held up by some as pointing to a ”gay gene.” Simon LeVay’s Hypothalamus study, Bailey and Pillard’s Twin studies as well as Dean Hamer’s Chromosome study of 1993. The studies made  headlines when  first published years ago making the case for innate homosexuality, and in fact headlines such as the Wall Street Journals which claimed “Research Points Towards Gay Gene” may lead the casual reader to believe a gay gene was found, but what did these studies actually find?

First lets look at the Dean Hammer study mentioned at the beginning. Newspapers claimed the study found a Gay Gene, but is it true? In this study, Hammer and his colleagues noticed that some gay identified men typically had gay identified uncles as well, but only on the mothers side. concluding that since women have (XX) Chromosomes while men have (XY) Chromosomes, Hammer and colleagues hypothesized that if there was a gay gene, it would likely be in the “X” Chromosomes since mothers can only pass on an X chromosome. After studying a group of families who fit their model of gay men with gay uncles of maternal lineage, a deviation was found in a portion of the X chromosome labeled Xq28. The Report concluded that if homosexuality was genetic, the cause could probably be found in the Xq28 region of the X chromosome. Though the study does raise some interesting questions, the population studied was too small to be of any statistical significance and the results of the Hammer study have not been able to be replicated. In fact as of June 25th 1995, Science magazine confirmed that Hammer was under investigation by the Office of Research Integrity at the Department of Health and Human Services for selectively reporting his data. In other words he reported only the data that would suggest homosexuality was innate.

Another famous study is that of Simon LeVay. In 1991, Levay studied the brain structures of deceased men attempting to see if there was any difference in the structures of heterosexual and homosexual men’s brains. What he found was that on average, the INAH-3 section of the Hypothalamus (a part of the brain widely believed to be involved in sexuality,) was smaller in gay identified men than in heterosexual men. Again, criticism of the study includes that the sample was too small to be of any statistical significance. Furthermore, the report stated that “on average” gay men’s hypothalamus was smaller… but in fact some gay men had larger INAH-3 sectors. Therefore,  though “on average” these gay men had a smaller hypothalamus, it was not uniformally small and could not definatively be linked as the cause of homosexuality.

Furthermore, LeVay’s sample of heterosexual men was an assumed sample, in other words, he assumed the men in his heterosexual sample were indeed heterosexual though it could not be confirmed. What’s more, LeVay points out in his own book Queer Science: The Use and Abuse of Research into Homosexuality that “the observations were made on adults who had already been sexually active for a number of years. To make a really compelling case, one would have to show that these neuro-anatomical differences existed early in life – preferably at  birth. Without such data, there is always at least the theoretical possibility that the structural differences are actually the result of differences in sexual behavior.” And admits that “another limitation arises because most of the gay men whose brains I studied died of AIDS.”(143-144)

The media repeatedly touted the LeVay studies as proof of a biological basis to homosexuality, but LeVay himself dismissed these claims saying in a 1994 issue of Discover magazine that “It’s important to stress what I didn’t find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn’t show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.”

Lastly a major study cited is Bailey and Pillard’s “Twin Studies.” The study was based on a very simple premise: If homosexuality is genetically determined, then Identical twins (which share Identical DNA) should both be gay. In 1991, the researchers released their findings which stated that 52% of Identical twins were both gay. Some argue that this would prove homosexuality is genetic since the concordance rate of both twins being gay is higher than the prevelancy of homosexuality in the general population, but other scientists argue that the findings in fact make a strong case that environment is key in developing homosexuality. They argue that if homosexuality was genetically determined (as opposed to influenced) it must reach close to a 100% concordance rate, much like twins having the same colored eyes (a trait which is genetically determined). However the research seems to indicate that homosexuality may be genetically influenced much like weight in identical twins which can vary due to environmental factors such as diet and exercise. Criticism of the study includes that the sample was self selected, meaning people volunteered knowing the purpose of the study, as such it can be expected that homosexual twins would have overwhelmingly volunteered as opposed to twins in general.

An interesting interpretation concerning twin studies comes from lesbian author and researcher Lisa Diamond in her latest book titled Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire in which she chronicles the natural shift of sexual identity in women over a ten year period. Concerning twin studies she writes: “When considering these heritability estimates, it is useful to compare them to heritability estimates that have been calculated for other complex behavioral traits. For example, twin studies have found that the heritability of smoking (a behavior that most people consider to be under conscious control and yet situationally influenced) is also around 60 percent. Similar estimates have been found for the heritability of marijuana and alcohol use. Even job satisfaction shows significant heritability, most likely because it is strongly related to personality, which yields heritability estimates ranging from 45 to 60 percent. We tend to trumpet biological effects when it comes to homosexuality, but I have yet to see the cover of Time or Newsweek display a newborn baby with the headline ‘Born unsatisfied with his job?’”(31-32)

Some more recent studies that shed a new light on the issue of sexuality include the one mentioned above, Lisa Diamond’s own research documenting the sexual fluidity she discovered in women. She demonstrated that women can not only to go from heterosexual to homosexual but from homosexual to heterosexual as well. She states that “The most unexpected finding was that five women actually gave up their lesbian or bisexual identities, and an additional five women started calling themselves heterosexual!…The women who started calling themselves heterosexual typically reported that their same-sex attractions simply were not strong enough to justify identifying as lesbian or bisexual. They were generally more interested in men and expected to end up with men down the line.” (63)

Also, recently published was another longitudinal (meaning long-term) study of Ex-Gays by Dr. Stanton Jones and Dr. Mark Yarhouse. In their book Ex-Gays? A Longitudinal Study of Religiously Mediated Change in Sexual Orientation, Drs Jones and Yarhouse conclude after following former homosexuals involved in Exodus ministries that “We believe we have provided evidence that change of homosexual orientation may be possible through involvement in Exodus ministries. The change may take the form of a reduction in homosexual attraction and behavioral chastity; it may also take the form of a reduction in homosexual attraction and an increase in heterosexual attraction with what might be described as satisfactory heterosexual adjustment.” They add that they also found little evidence that trying to change ones sexual orientation would be harmful and in fact found that in some cases, it reduced anxiety and stress in some individuals. (387)

Perhaps the greatest shock to the mental health community came in 2001 when Dr. Robert Spitzer of Columbia University published his study on the efficacy of efforts to change one’s sexual orientation. The upset came in that Spitzer has long been known to be a friend of the gay community, and was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the list of mental disorders from the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM), the manual by which mental health professionals diagnose and treat mental illnesses. After extensive study, the skeptical Spitzer published his findings in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2001 concluding that sexual orientation can successfully be changed.

So are people born gay? Studies suggest that sexual orientation is an inter-play of both genetic and environmental factors. Genetics being able to predispose a person to homosexuality, but still relying on intricate environmental factors such as upbringing and social interaction to fully develop what some call the “homosexual potential.” Much like obesity has been discovered to have a genetic link, its understood that a person’s weight is ultimately dependent on environmental factors like diet and exercise.

Is change possible? Recent studies as well as first hand accounts confirm that sexuality is fluid and can indeed change whether through therapy or coincidentally over time. Researchers are careful not to claim that everyone can change their sexual orientation. Such absolute statements are as irresponsible as statements saying “people are born gay.” Researchers Yarhouse and Jones write that “some respondents experienced significant, meaningful change of sexual orientation in this sample, but we did not find that everyone (or anyone) can change. The fact that some human beings can break the four-minute mile barrier establishes that running a four-minute mile is not impossible, but that same fact does not establish that anyone (every human being) can break the four-minute mile barrier. So also our findings firmly refute any notion that change of sexual orientation is impossible.”(372)

In the end, I like the way psychologist John Money put it. He compared sexuality to the development of language. He argued that a person is not born speaking English. And nothing in their genetics made them learn English rather than Swahili. Rather, the fact that a person learned English depended on their native culture. It has been shown that brains are innately predisposed to assimilate a language, whatever language that may be. Once it is aquired, the language becomes so natural to us that it’s as if we were born with it. Yet no matter how natural our native tongue may be, we know we are not born speaking English. In like manner, no matter how natural our same gender attractions may seem, let us not confuse that to mean that we were born gay.

But as we know, sexuality is complicated and trying to reduce it to a neat sound bite only leaves us with more questions than answers. In actuality, the truth lies more to the middle, which should come as no surprise. It’s true that homophobia is alive and well today; groups like the Westborough Baptist church aren’t making the load easier for anybody. I imagine that there are scores of men and women living scared and lonely lives for fear of being rejected by their friends and family. But the opposite is also true, there are scores of men and women who once accepted homosexuality and have since left that behind…for reasons having nothing to do with fear of rejection.

In fact quite the opposite. Many of the people I’ve met over the years used to be openly gay, some were gay activists, and others lived with their partners for years. If they were seeking acceptance surely becoming “ex-gay” (as some have labeled us) was not the way. Those of us who have walked out of homosexuality face a double rejection as many even in the church as well as in the secular and pro-gay world question the validity of our change. So why change?

For one, many find homosexuality incompatible with their faith. Most religious texts make clear that homosexuality is a sin. It is true that many who pursue change are primarily motivated by their faith wishing to bring their whole lives (finances, sexuality, and morality) in line with their faith. This is a perfectly valid reason to leave homosexuality. People’s faith is an integral part of their identity defining for some even what they eat (but no one criticizes the Jewish community for keeping kosher.)

For others, their feelings did not line up with what professionals in the mental health community call a self schema. Everyone has a self schema; it is an outlook through which we see ourselves and the world. It is closely tied to our self image and self esteem. I for one struggled very much as the world kept telling me that I was gay when all along I didn’t believe I was. This wasn’t denial, this was conflict. My sexuality did not match with who I believed I was as a person or who I wanted to be. Like a piece of the puzzle that did not fit, my sexuality did not fit into the view I had for my life. I had to make a decision.

Was I going to live according to my values and who I believed myself to be? Or was I going to live only according to certain sexual feelings?

I have met other still who embraced their homosexuality and lived within that identity for decades. Their stories differ on certain aspects, some had long term relationships, some were promiscuous and unsafe yet all found their lifestyle left them empty. They simply didn’t know they had a choice – but once they found out freedom was possible they took the way out.

You would be surprised however that there are others… some famous who leave homosexuality for no other reason than their tastes have changed. In America we are familiar with Anne Hesche who had a highly publicized affair with Ellen DeGeneres, yet now is exclusively heterosexual in relationships with only men. Yet there are others still who have changed that are lesser publicized. Stephen Daldry for example, who directed Billy Elliot and The Hours was long known to be a homosexual until he fell in love with a woman, married and settled down.

Jackie Clune as well, a comedienne of British fame lived as a lesbian for upwards of 12 years until she, herself changed too. Writing in the British newspaper The Guardian, Clune writes “…after a particularly painful and drawn-out break up, I decided that for me being a lesbian wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My relationships had all taken the same pattern – idyllic start, passionate intensity, massive conflict, slow merging of identities, rebellion, more conflict, couple therapy…In many ways this is all standard-issue break up stuff, straight or gay; but I couldn’t help feeling my answer lay back on the other side. I longed for my own mind back…” (June 14th, 2003)

It’s sad but true that Homophobia makes life impossible for some gays. But when we choose to change, it’s not because of “internalized homophobia” as some have accused. We come from diverse paths and are all pursuing the best for our lives. Regardless of the reason, whether propelled by our faith or our belief that there could lie something beyond the gay identity… the fact still remains that the common uniting factor in our lives is that we all are trying to live our lives the best way we see fit.

“Jenny,” I said. “I’m Gay.”

“Alright…” she replied, “but do you want to be gay?” No one had ever asked me that before. No one ever gave me that choice. I knew I wasn’t born gay, but somehow I developed homosexual attractions and now I couldn’t make them go away.

I was born in Miami to a Cuban mother and a Colombian father. Due to “X” circumstances my mom and dad were unable to raise me and I was sent to live with my aunt and grandmother. Looking back now, I can see plainly that my whole family loved me but I’ve come to learn that sometimes the facts get missed and misperceptions can easily become truths to a little boy with unanswered questions. I wondered why my mom and dad weren’t around like the other kid’s parents. My aunt and grandmother never told me why, only that my mom and dad loved me very much. Cartoons and kids movies gave me the only answer I could find: “What is a kid with no parents? An orphan.” I came to the conclusion that my mom and dad abandoned me like a little baby left on the stoop of a kindly family. I barely knew my mother and rarely got to see her. My father lived in Colombia and I had no memory of him. I wondered what it was that made them want to leave.

To my aunt and my grandmother I was the prince of the world. No wish went unanswered. If I wanted a bike, I got a bike. If I wanted a toy, I had it within a week. I even remember a particular Christmas with dozens of ninja turtle figurines and a tent to boot! But both women had their own wounds and though they loved me dearly, they didn’t always know how to love me. My Aunt felt she had to compensate for both my lack of mother and father and had a hard time trying to balance being both the nurturing mother and tough father. As a result she often threatened to send me off to military school if I got bad grades. Many a night was spent crying dreading the bad report card in my book bag, fearing I would be sent away. As for my grandmother, she had been hurt in her past and harbored resentment towards men. Resentment she often voiced to me.

Like I said before, I knew I wasn’t born gay. I remember liking girls from an early age and having play ground love triangles. I remember my first kiss with Maria behind the lake and enjoying it. But around age 8 sexuality was corrupted for me as I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighborhood. This brought alot of shame for me and instead of confronting the issue my family moved to a new neighborhood and never spoke of it again.

In this new neighborhood I made friends with another boy and his sister. Our relationship started innocently enough, spending every afternoon playing super Nintendo as fourth graders would. However, as their parents were never home; our curiosity got us into trouble as we discovered pornography. Our afternoons of Mario Kart were soon abandoned for afternoons of pornography as he, his sister and I sat fixated in front of the TV watching porn. This was the beginning of a serious porn addiction for me. I found myself attracted to the women in the films but felt ugly, unworthy and undeserving of them. I made the connection that good looking guys are deserving of good looking women and began to envy the men in the films wishing to be like them. As I continued watching pornography my fixation turned to the men, studying their bodies and comparing them to mine, hating myself and wishing I were them.

By 12 I received my first computer along with the internet and a new gateway to pornography. As my fixation was on men, my browsing led me to gay porn which idolized the male body. At first I was disgusted but as I was continuously exposed to it I became desensitized to it, and as I went through puberty I began to contextualize sexuality within the concept of homosexuality. What once disgusted me became tolerable and then even desirable until eventually it became an infatuation.

By this time I had come to put my faith in Christ. I read my bible and joined a church participating in their youth group and even becoming Bible Club president of my high school. I so loved Jesus that most everyone in my 4000 student high school knew me as “churchboy.” I thought the best way to minister to my classmates in those days was to put on a happy face and pretend to be a happy shiny Christian. I thought if everyone saw how great it was to be in Christ they’d all want in too!  But while in high school, as in love with Jesus as I was I secretly struggled with same gender attractions. I didn’t think I could tell anyone for fear of “shaming Christ” and being a “stumbling block” to weak believers. Sadly, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized Jesus is not a candy bar to be marketed but that Living Water can sell itself. I began to live a double life as I would often watch pornography all night only to go to school the next morning and pretend all was ok. I was desperately looking for answers but too afraid to ask.

All my life I had dreamt of being married to a girl one day, raising a family, watching our kids go off to college and grow old together. My faith and my understanding of the Bible told me that homosexuality was not in line with God’s will for my life. From all around me I heard teachers and pop culture telling me I was born gay, that I needed to accept it and “come out of the closet.” Essentially, I felt the world was telling me to abandon my faith and all my dreams of a family for a label and a life I wanted no part of. So I tried to pray. I believed God answered the prayers of his faithful and believed God would take away the struggle. I tried to ignore it and pretend it didnt exists, but it bubbled up each time with more intensity until I found myself on the floor of my room every night crying begging God to kill me or take away the struggle. But He didn’t.

Eventually, the summer after graduation I told a gay friend of mine what I had been experiencing. I felt so free. He told me everything I was longing to hear. He told me I was handsome and that he loved my sense of humor and that he had a crush on me for a while. But the freedom I felt soon disappeared as I realized I was more and more becoming a person I didn’t recognize with a future that I didn’t want. I began to withdraw and even became dark. This is when Jenny confronted me. She didn’t look at me with the christian pity face I had so often given people myself. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she genuinely wanted to know if I was happy being gay. I told her: “of course not Jenny! but what can I do? I’ve tried everything not to be gay but here I am!” I understand now that ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t “trying everything” just like ignoring a baby and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop him from crying.

She didn’t have all the answers but she did tell me she heard of a support group for people trying to leave homosexuality. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that before. I showed up at the end of that month and met 10 other people just like me who found themselves with attractions they never wanted (and some who were now living successfully apart from homosexuality!) The next month I went to an Exodus conference and met 1000 more from around the country and some from around the world. This was the answer to the question I had for so long been afraid to ask and for once I realized I didn’t have to be ashamed and I didn’t have to be afraid to ask questions.

I came back a changed person. Not because anything that happened at Exodus but simply because for the first time in years I had hope. Hope that I didn’t have to live a life I was unhappy with, that my dreams of a family can be fulfilled that I don’t have to be a slave of my circumstances. Hope because I saw real people living happily beyond the “gay” label: some who married and others who were just content to be single.

The five years that followed were hard, and there was a lot of work I still had to do. I developed habits and addictions over the years that weren’t going to be easy to break. But the key was community.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I did in high school and mislead anyone. I’m not a finished work. I’m still growing. As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth. And I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “I was gay, but I’m ok now,” my story is not about that at all. My story is that I found myself going into a lifestyle I wanted no part in. I found myself taking on a label I didn’t want and becoming a person I didn’t recognize until someone gave me a choice, until someone told me I didn’t have to be gay. It’s about being empowered to live the life I want to live.

What kind of life do you want?

First, you can pray for an unsaved homosexual person and share the gospel with them. If you are relating with a Christian struggling with this issue, you can pray for them, too. Pray God will give them the courage and perseverance to achieve sexual abstinence. Sexual activity usually covers deep wounds. Once activity stops, the “pain-killer” of sex wears off and underlying emotional pain can surface. Be there to listen and support them in this process.

Pray God will help them see and find biblical resolution to underlying issues that led to a homosexual orientation. Learn what you can about these problems, and find someone with expertise that can counsel your friend. Pray the Lord will help them re-connect with His original design and purpose for them as a man or woman. If you are the same gender as your friend, you can play a tremendous part in his or her healing just by being a role-model of what a godly man or godly woman is like. That means being vulnerable about your weaknesses, aggressively pursuing personal maturity, and above all, seeking to grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Don’t discount your ability to help someone leave homosexuality and into all that God plans for their lives. Be a friend: encourage, confront, listen, share. Go side-by-side with them through the challenging adventure ahead.

God hates all sin equally, and perhaps, with regard to loving the homosexual, the first step is simply to acknowledge that homosexual behavior is a sin like any other – including heterosexual sin, lust, envy, covetousness, gossip, etc. People living a homosexual lifestyle are sinners like the rest of us and, like the rest of us, they are people created by God and loved by God. As such, we are called to love in whatever sinful state we happen to find them.

One thing to remember is that almost everyone who has embraced homosexuality as an identity truly believes that they are homosexual to their core. They may or may not see their behavior as sinful, but their perceived homosexual identity, in their minds, is independent of behavior. While we know their belief to be in error, it is “right” to them.

Those trapped in the deception of homosexuality are people in need of healing. They are hurt and broken people who need the touch of the great physician, Jesus Christ. Jesus Himself said that He came not for the healthy, but for the sick. If loving a homosexual is a struggle for you, pray for God to give you His eyes for the homosexual and for your heart to be broken, and not hardened, for the homosexual. He loves them and desires for them to be reconciled to Himself. Pray to have His heart for the homosexual!

Answer by Mike Goeke, former VP of Exodus International.

Not every gay-identified person participates in these often militant efforts, but the efforts are very real and they have specific goals when it comes to youth. Those goals include:

• Promoting homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles as healthy, positive and normal.
• Disintegrating all meaning of gender.
• Silencing and vilifying any different point of view.
• Undermining parental authority to indoctrinate kids.
• Rewriting Christian principles.
• Polarizing students, so that anyone who is not “gay-affirming” is labeled a bigot.

These may seem like pretty extreme statements, but there are several organizations and tens of millions of dollars a year dedicated to these goals.

GLSEN and GSA’s

Most notable among these organizations is the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), an educational lobbying and activist group that is the primary force behind the promotion of Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) clubs in high schools, middle schools and universities nationwide.

Their ‘resources’

A quick browse through the books GLSEN recommends for 7th through 12th graders will give you a glimpse into the value system they want the next generation to adopt. Here’s a look:

Free Your Mind by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman, for instance, is a comprehensive guide-to-life for youth who think they may be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. In truth, this book is full of deceptive, dangerous advice. Teens are encouraged to find “meaningful new relationships” via gay and lesbian chat rooms on the internet. The book also greatly overstates the protection offered by condoms, and lists “bathing together” and mutual masturbation as “safe” sexual practices.

Furthermore, Free Your Mind attacks the faith of teens. Throughout several chapters, young people are repeatedly urged to leave their churches if they do not embrace homosexuality. A whole chapter is devoted to “debunking” the Bible.

“…there isn’t any single truth…The one thing you really should beware of in life is when any human being tells you that they have the truth. Run as fast as you can. No one has the truth.” (Free Your Mind, p. 274)

Another book GLSEN recommends for teens, Revolutionary Voices, portrays dangerous lifestyles as positive forms of “diversity.” In the book, one young man shares his story of doing “sex work” involving cross-dressing and sadomasochsim. Revolutionary Voices calls these things an “empowering experience.”

The GSA Network also produced Beyond the Binary, a “gender activism” guide that encourages students to fight the notion that we are made male and female. The booklet teaches that gender is arbitrary, that one can move back and forth between genders, be both at the same time, or invent a new gender altogether–and that schools and other individuals should be forced to recognize these assumed “genders.”

Other controversies

The state of Massachusetts has always been at the forefront of homosexual activism. At least two years in a row, GLSEN (funded by state tax revenue) hosted workshops on school grounds, in which students received graphic instruction on how to perform different homosexual acts. Sex “kits” were passed out, and after a sweeping public outcry, parents were banned when the event was repeated.

More recently, the GSA Network in California elected a man to its Board of Directors who was widely known as a pornographer who peddled pictures of young men to x-rated magazines. When contacted and asked whether they were aware of this individual’s activities, no one from the GSA Network responded. The board member, however, subsequently stepped down.

The actions and attitudes of those who run these organizations don’t quite reflect those of the kids who actually take part in the clubs themselves. Most teens who join GSA’s (who are not all gay-identified) are drawn to the ideals of safety, equality and tolerance that these organizations espouse. What they get, though, is a deceptive and destructive crash-course in immorality.

School Policies

Gay advocacy groups spend millions lobbying every level of government in order to have an impact on school policies and curriculum. California is an example of where they’ve had the most success. The State Senate there has passed bills requiring schools to portray homosexual, bisexual and transgender lifestyles positively through “Tolerance Training.” Other legislation would force schools to allow transgender-identified students to use opposite-sex bathrooms and locker rooms.

As a matter of course, these activists seek to shut parents out while they are changing the educational system. The legislation mentioned above explicitly states that parents are not to be notified about “Tolerance Training” courses, and are not allowed to opt their children out of them.

So What Can You Do?

It’s so important for Christian parents to be involve themselves and communicate with the school. Make sure you know about meetings with school board and faculty members that parents can have access to. Find out the best way to stay up to date on changes in curriculum and policy in your district.

Christian legal groups like the Alliance Defense Fund can advise and support parents facing legal issues with their local districts and governments.

The most effective response to this growing movement, though, comes through Christian students. More than anyone, they have a greater freedom of opportunity to share the truth and love of the Gospel on their campuses. So make sure your youth pastor is educating and equipping students with the truth about these issues. We’ve got some great resources available to help them do that.

Students also have the most freedom (legally speaking) to bring Christian-themed information and resource onto their campuses. Through special campaigns like Allies, Too and the Day of Truth, young Christians can have a huge impact on public schools.

Related Links:

The World According to PFLAG: Why PFLAG and Children Don’t Mix from the National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH)

Help Them Open Up

The best way to make it more likely your child might share a sexual struggle with you is to respond with an attitude of compassion and understanding whenever these types of issues come up. Your reaction to the subject of homosexuality when it comes up in conversation, on TV or through other relationships sends your children a message about whether you are a safe person to confide in.

Reacting with a grimace and saying, “That’s disgusting!” communicates hostility. Just consider: would you feel comfortable sharing a personal temptation with someone you knew thought “those people” were a disgusting abomination? Probably not.

Usually, people respond with hostility or anger to this issue because it seems so confusing and overwhelming. It’s not difficult, though, to overcome our fears of this issue by educating ourselves with a compassionate, Biblical standpoint. Exodus has some great resources to help you do just that.

When you can talk about homosexuality with calmness, knowledge and compassion, your children are more likely to talk to you about it. Basic truths to stick to are understanding that 1) nobody chooses to struggle with homosexuality, 2) a person isn’t guilty just because they’re tempted, 3) homosexual behavior is no worse than any other sin, 4) people can find freedom and healing in Christ.

Still, there is no way to guarantee that they will be confident enough to come directly to you. So you do want to know what to look for.

Sure Signs

If your son or daughter has been viewing homosexual pornography or visiting gay, lesbian or bisexual chat rooms online, that is a pretty solid sign that they are dealing with serious sexual identity issues. When confronted about this kind of involvement, most teens will try to dodge with an excuse like “I was just curious” or “I was trying to understand a friend better.”

Please understand that your child probably feels a deep sense of shame about their struggle, and whatever level of behavior they’ve become involved in. Whenever their struggle “comes out,” it’s crucial to reaffirm how much you love them, and that you do not see them any differently.

Other signs you ought to be concerned by include consistent and overt gender-atypical behavior (opposite-sex clothing, mannerisms, etc.), and unhealthy, overly-emotional attachments to a single friend of the same sex

Addressing It

When you observe these types of things, don’t be quick to label it as homosexuality. Simply address what you have observed and ask them questions about it. Don’t assume something is there if it is not plainly true–that can make things worse.

For instance, don’t say: “You and Sarah act like a couple of lesbians. You aren’t doing that, are you?” or, “Son, why do you act so feminine? You don’t want people to think you’re gay.”

Addressing without assuming would sound more like this: “I’ve noticed you and Sarah spend so much time together, you’re neglecting your other friends. Do you think that’s a good idea?” or, “Son, it seems like you aren’t really into hanging out with the guys. Did something happen?”

It is best for your response to communicate that you care about their well-being, and offer them opportunities to share their feelings. Plus if they already know that homosexuality doesn’t make you totally blow up, you’ve created a much more positive environment for them.

Not So Sure Signs

There are also sometimes “yellow flags” that go up for parents, but aren’t necessarily a sign your child struggles with SSA. For instance, if they come home from school with a book, flier or brochure mentioning homosexuality; that’s not necessarily a sign.

Material addressing homosexuality is becoming more and more common in the public school system. Your children will most likely receive information or materials on the subject more than once. Don’t assume they are struggling just because of something like this (pornographic material is another issue altogether) but take the opportunity to talk openly with them about issues of sexuality and see what they’re thinking.

Gay clubs (commonly called “GSA” or Gay-Straight Alliance) are also common on public school campuses. These clubs are not only geared towards students who are gay-identified, but they also encourage non-gay students to become “allies,” or people who are supportive of gay issues and/or making schools safer.

If your child joins the local GSA, it doesn’t necessarily mean they struggle–but you may want to have a talk with them and find out where they’re at in their understanding of sexual morality. These clubs, while exemplifying some good motives like stopping bullying, also promote materials and morals you will be strongly opposed to (see the article GLSEN and Its Influence on Children).

Try not to get into a confrontation with your child, but do your best to have open dialog about what they’re hearing about these issues and what they think.

They probably just want to show their support for making schools safe. Let them know there are great ways for Christian students to stand against bullying and harassment while still speaking the truth about sexuality, like the Allies, Too campaign.

Students who struggle with their sexual or gender identity (or who are perceived as gay) are no exception. If you’ve read any of the testimonies of the many men and women who’ve come out of homosexuality, you’ll know that bullying and isolation during youth is almost par for the course.

Some people blame people of faith for this problem–that anyone who doesn’t celebrate homosexuality is in some way perpetuating the violence. The solution, they say, is to exclusively promote a viewpoint that says people are born gay, can’t change, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Gay advocacy groups encourage teens to identify as “allies,” friends who celebrate homosexuality–supposedly the only way to make their campus safe.

As a result, Christian students often find themselves in a bind. Either they must compromise their belief in Scripture and say that homosexual behavior is okay–and be called an “ally,” a “safe person”–or they can refuse and be labeled a bigot.

We believe this is unfair to Christian students, who don’t hate their gay-identified (or struggling) peers, and have good reasons for believing what they do about sexuality and gender.

It’s also unfair to students who identify as gay. Imagine how it must feel to believe that Christians everywhere hate you!

This problem is why we created the Allies, Too campaign.

This project was created to provide a chance for Christian students to show that, in the diversity of opinion, people with differing–and even opposing–viewpoints can still work together to build a community of tolerance and respect.

Tolerance doesn’t mean conformity of beliefs. It doesn’t mean one point of view is upheld and others are silenced. It doesn’t mean a person can label a belief they don’t agree with as hatred so they don’t have to deal with it.

Tolerance means we can respectfully express our differences, but then put them aside and cooperate on the things we can agree on, like safety, fair treatment, and kindness.

It’s easy to get involved! Visit the official Allies, Too website, where you can learn more about why this campaign is so relevant for teen students today, and you can even order cool stuff like t-shirts and buttons!

Come take a look! ALLIESTOO.ORG