My friend and I may not have had a lesbian relationship, but we had an emotionally dependent relationship that was unhealthy and stifling.  It left no room for any other friendships.  We depended on each other to the point that we became possessive and jealous if anyone else tried to join our exclusive group of two.  The nature of our friendship became a pattern of idolatry – nothing in our lives mattered more than each other.  When eventually something did matter more than our friendship, namely my college education, our friendship disintegrated into a pile of hurt feelings that led to petty acts of revenge.

Friendships are beautiful when they are meant for the uplifting and edification of each other.  When we want what is best for the other person and are not just trying to get our own emotional needs met, then we are truly a friend.  But often, we aren’t looking out for the best interests of our friend, we are looking to get from them whatever is lacking in our own lives.  We want the other person to be there for us no matter what.  But what if someone else comes along who wants to form a friendship with our friend and spend time with her.  How do we respond?  Are we generous and giving?  Are we willing to spend less time with our friend so she can pursue her dreams and have more well-rounded and healthy relationships instead of focusing on just one, which can be stifling?

I have no doubt that you love your friend.  I love my sister and consider her to be one of my best friends, but that doesn’t mean that we’re lesbians.  Gay activists have tried to say that Ruth and Naomi in the Bible were lesbians because Ruth was dedicated to her mother-in-law and wanted to accompany her back to Judah.  But there is nothing in the Bible to suggest that Ruth’s love for Naomi was sexual, and there is nothing to suggest that a deep friendship that includes self-giving and sacrifice for the sake of your friend’s well-being is the result of homosexual feelings.

God intended for us to have friendships to support one another and see each other become the people that God intended us to be.  This goes wrong when we sexualize our feelings for our friends, when we expect them to meet our every need or when we attempt to meet their every need.  As a community of believers and the body of Christ, we are to freely give our friendship to a variety of people and accept the friendship of others in the same way.  When a friendship becomes exclusive and limiting, it can no longer be called “friendship,” no matter how you “feel” about your friend.  In the end, this type of “friendship” is nothing more than bondage.

Resources

You might want to check out one of these resources about emotional dependency – they explain the problem, help you see if this is a problem in your life, and provide practical advice on getting out.

Emotional Dependency

Emotional Dependency for Guys

If I had a dime for every time a young woman questions her sexuality, I could easily pay for my children’s future college tuition.  And that would be sending them to a private school, not a community college.  You may wonder what is causing this unhealthy trend among teens and young women.  When you live in a sex-saturated culture like we do, with sexual images inundating us on TV, in movies and magazines, it is no wonder that sex becomes a constant theme to analyze, ponder and generally obsess over.

The other day, while milling through the masses at the airport, I considered buying a magazine to read on the plane rather than the boring novel I had borrowed from the library.  Every magazine geared toward women was either filled with images of seductive, scantily-clad women or boasted articles describing sexual fantasies and avenues to sexual gratification.  The cheesy mystery on loan from the library suddenly seemed as deep and nuanced as a Jane Austen novel.

Unless you are willing to completely remove yourself from society and live in a remote Bornean jungle or a cultic commune, you need to learn how to handle the sexual images that bombard your life and to understand the origins of the thoughts and feelings you experience.  Defining your sexuality by the random thoughts, dreams and feelings you may have, that are fleeting if left alone, is always a mistake.

Many lesbian-identified women I know, and those who formerly identified as lesbian, experienced several years of same-sex attractions beginning around the ages of 10-12 before they experienced their first lesbian relationship.  The teen nowadays who wonders about her sexuality does not usually have a history of same-sex attractions.  She is simply the victim of a culture that sexualizes women from a very young age.  Just look at dolls like Bratz and Ty Girlz that are geared for elementary-school aged girls, yet the dolls are dressed in skimpy dance-club clothes and caked with make-up.  This early sexualization of girls is almost guaranteed to lead to sexual thoughts of various kinds.

Young girls are wondering if they are lesbians for no reason other than they find their pretty friends attractive.  One twenty-something newlywed asked me if I thought she was a lesbian because she found a reclining woman on a billboard attractive and couldn’t stop thinking about her.  Noticing someone’s physical attractiveness is not unusual and does not qualify you as a homosexual.  Several years ago on a Seinfeld episode, Elaine asked Jerry and George if they knew a fellow gym member who she described as handsome.  Obviously uncomfortable with the question, they averted their eyes while mumbling negative responses.  Elaine said, “Just admitting that a man is attractive does not make you a homosexual.”  George replied, “It doesn’t help.”

The fear that George expressed about possibly being a homosexual if he found another man attractive typifies what has occurred in our society over the past decade.  The mentality of fear or even of curiosity allows those meaningless, fleeting thoughts and feelings to grow and even fester.  Suddenly, something that was as innocuous as a gnat becomes as threatening as a virus-bearing mosquito.  The problem is that we perceive simple thoughts or dreams as defining our sexuality.  If you think about stealing a magazine at a convenience store, does that make you a thief or a kleptomaniac?  If you think about telling your mom you didn’t wash the dishes because you were studying when you were really texting your friend, does that make you a liar?

Thoughts are dangerous only when we dwell on them.  If we “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” moving beyond the sexual thought and on to more constructive thoughts, the power of the sexual thought is annihilated.  Let us try an experiment.  If I say, “Whatever you do, do not think about the giant, pink elephant in the room,” what happens in your mind?  You start thinking about a giant, pink elephant, right?  You can’t help it; neither can I.  Telling anyone not to think about the pink elephant in the room will prompt them to think about nothing but the pink elephant.  The same thing is going to happen when you are assailed with sexual images and seductive influences.

I can’t say all, but many girls feel the need to question their sexuality in our modern-day culture.  It is just what society has taught us to do in an attempt to normalize behaviors like homosexuality.  Student groups aimed at promoting homosexuality among youth encourage “questioning” students to join their group and hear about the celebration of homosexuality.  Attending a group that pushes you to further question your sexuality will surely influence the way you choose to define your sexuality.

Way back in 1982, the movie Personal Best shook many of my friends who had never before in their lives thought about lesbianism.  A track star has a lesbian relationship with one of her chief competitors, while maintaining a relationship with her boyfriend.  Lesbian celebrity Chastity Bono sites Personal Best as a movie that allowed her to embrace her same-sex attractions.  It left many of my friends afraid of becoming lesbians if they had close girlfriends who were attractive.  Never underestimate the impact of cultural influences on our lives.

By the way, you aren’t thinking about the giant, pink elephant in the room anymore are you?  Your mind moved on to other things and you weren’t worried that your fleeting pink elephant thoughts would somehow define you.

Throughout our lives, we will have thoughts, dreams and feelings that disturb us.  The best course of action is follow the example the apostle Paul gave us in Philippians,  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (4:8),  and let the unwelcome thoughts fade away.

LiLo and her friend Samantha

What happened to the cute freckle-faced girl from The Parent Trap?  I don’t know Lindsay Lohan or any of the interpersonal dynamics that shaped her life.  My knowledge of Lindsay is limited to what I’ve learned through the media.  From that perspective, I will offer my point-of-view on LiLo’s chaotic life leading up to her relationship with Samantha Ronson.

Lindsay’s father was in jail for a significant portion of her childhood.  She’s now seeking a protective order against him.  It’s clear that LiLo doesn’t like MiLo.  And, although Michael Lohan now professes faith in Jesus and works with Teen Challenge, being a convicted felon didn’t make him much of a role model, at least not from Lindsay’s viewpoint. Parental role models are crucial in helping us develop into secure adults.  They provide boundaries for us and teach us how to relate to the outside world.  When those role models are insecure with themselves (or absent altogether), it is difficult for them to provide us with the direction we need. 

Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s manager-mom has issues of her own.  On the television show “Living Lohan,” Dina allows her 14-year-old daughter Ali to spend time alone in her room with a 21-year-old man, because they need to talk.  When Lindsay recreated Marilyn Monroe’s last nude photo shoot, Dina said they were “honored” for the opportunity.  She commented on the photos to People magazine, “So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother.”  Those are not exactly the actions of a mother who is concerned about the dignity of her daughters, or their sexual purity.

Whether we admit it or not, we all know that LiLo has been in and out of drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers several times – three times prior to her twenty-first birthday, to be exact.  She’s been arrested for DUIs and cocaine possession, sent to jail, had numerous car accidents and she’s only twenty-two.

We’ve heard through the entertainment media that Lindsay has had relationships with at least 5 young men.  The last being a skateboarder she met at rehab who, when they broke up, proceeded to sell personal photos of her to British tabloids.  Prior to their break-up, Lindsay’s father described him on Extra as, “… a good kid.”  He elaborated, “I don’t think anyone has the right to judge Riley. They [Lindsay and Riley] keep each other in line. They go to meetings with one another.”  Again, more lack of positive parental influence.

When everything is going wrong in your life, supportive people need to rally to your side.  Ideally, those people should be your parents (or your spouse, if you’re married).  In the absence of parental support, it is easy to lean on anyone who will to be there for you. When that friend is compassionate in the midst of your pain, it is natural to want to spend more and more time with her.  An attachment bordering on dependence can form during emotionally trying times.  We all need understanding and support.  When that seems to be missing from our lives, we hunger for it.  We become motivated to seek out the type of understanding we crave.  When the provider of support, who gives us a sense of security, happens to be a lesbian-identified woman, it isn’t surprising that we could think about becoming sexually involved her.  After all, she makes us feel good.  We’re close to her and we’re stimulated by our emotions.  I know of numerous women who have become involved in lesbian relationships with supportive friends.  Not every woman who has a supportive friend becomes sexually involved with her, but it happens often enough to bear mentioning.

I don’t blame Lindsay for her lesbian sexual involvement, if that is indeed what is happening.  Her publicist was quick to say that Lindsay did not say she is a lesbian.  According to her publicist, LiLo was just playing along with the DJ from Loveline when he questioned her about how long she and Samantha have been together.  In any case, it would be easy to understand how she became involved in that sort of behavior.  For Lindsay, her sexual appeal has been a valuable marketing tool.  When your sexuality is a commodity rather than a gift reserved for your spouse, it loses its worth.  It becomes common, even base.

The sad part is that the lines have been blurred between right and wrong in our society.  Few people understand the true meaning of love and sex.  Sex has become a past-time instead of a life-long commitment.  Young girls are sexualized at younger and younger ages.  Just look at how little girls are “made-up” to look like grown-up women for beauty pageants.  Or how Bratz dolls are pressed into skimpy clothes and painted to look like drag queens impersonating Cher.  How many little girls have you seen walking around with “Juicy” and other inappropriate slogans written on their backsides?

There is a disturbing cultural trend to push children and teens into becoming sex objects.  At the MTV video music awards, British comedian Russell Brand scoffed at the Jonas Brothers for wearing purity rings that represent their commitment to remain sexually abstinent until marriage.  The in-your-face message to teens and young adults is that you are “uncool” if you don’t have sex.  Thank God for 18-year-old American Idol winner Jordin Sparks who gave an impromptu defense of the Jonas Brothers after Brand’s off-color remarks at the VMAs, “I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear a promise ring, because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut.”  A few people in the crowd seemed thankful for her comments.  Brand later reappeared on stage to spew more words of home-spun wisdom, “Promise rings, I’m well up for it. [But] a bit of sex, it never hurt anybody.”  In a world ravaged by the AIDS pandemic, mounting STD rates and serial relationship woes, Brand comes across as offensively ignorant.

Like LiLo, we don’t all have picture perfect lives.  In fact, none of us do.  The best we can do is to spend our time pursuing activities that are worthwhile.  Youth groups offer opportunities to develop solid friendships while learning about God and serving the community.  We can add perspective to our lives by meeting the needs of people less fortunate than us.  Surrounding ourselves with people who want the best for us and are determined to uphold Biblical standards of behavior will allow us to develop into the people God intended us to be, with as little drama as possible.

It makes sense that music is about harmonies and rhythms.  That is what makes music different from poems and novels.  But that is not all music is about.  I remember loving a song about suicide.  It was not a gloomy song.  It had a gentle, ironically chipper melody.  In the weeks leading up to my Christian conversion, I listened to that song every day.  I was not suicidal.  I did not hate my life.  I liked the sound of the song.  But listening to it made me think about what circumstances would lead someone to take his own life.  I wondered what circumstances would lead me to consider taking my own life.  I did not consider actually killing myself, but I thought of how I would commit such an act if I ever decided upon that course of action.  I had a lot of thoughts about suicide. When I became a Christian, that song went in the trash.  There was no good reason for me to continue listening to a song that made me think of useless, violent acts against myself.

But back to Katy Perry and her song about lesbian kisses.  According to the lyrics, she lost her discretion with a drink in her hand.  Her drink made her brave.  She saw a girl that made her curious about what it would be like to kiss a girl, and she decided to find out.  Apparently, she liked it.

It is perplexing to me that she spends the entire song defending her actions with lines like, “Don’t mean I’m in love tonight,” “I kissed a girl just to try it,” “Ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent.”  If it is no big deal, why worry about it?  But worry is what Katy does.  She tells everyone who will listen that it does not mean anything that she liked kissing a girl.  It sounds as if she is trying to convince herself that it is “no big deal.”  That is what happens when you do something you know you shouldn’t do.  You try to fight off the guilt by making excuses for yourself.  The guilt, however, does not go away, “It’s not what / Good girls do / Not how they should behave / My head gets so confused / Hard to obey.”

What she does not worry about, as she bemoans her confusion, is what the other girl thought of being kissed by a stranger.  Katy sings, “Just wanna try you on / I’m curious for you / Caught my attention.”  Imagine you are the object of Katy’s curiosity.  Suddenly, an unknown girl approaches from across the room and kisses you.  She then continues her song, “No, I don’t even know your name / it doesn’t matter / You’re my experimental game.”  Katy is worried about herself, but she sure isn’t worried about you.  You are just the pawn in her game.  That sums up the narcissistic, self-centeredness that typifies sexual experimentation.  It’s all about me.  The other person is just an object I am using to satisfy my own curiosity.

The purpose of physical intimacy is not to figure out what feels wrong and right, as Katy seems to think.  It’s not about discovering what works for you.  The purpose of physical intimacy is to bond husband and wife together in a life-long union that will strengthen their marriage and create a stable home-life for the children they may have.  When you use physical intimacy for any purpose other than that, it is bound to lead to undesired effects, such as confusion in your sexuality and emotional turmoil.

Am I saying that kissing a girl made Katy Perry a lesbian or bisexual?  Not necessarily.  The lyrics don’t elaborate on what happened after the drink-induced kiss.  Listening to “I Kissed a Girl” probably will not make you a lesbian or bisexual, either. It could, however, fuel a sexual identity struggle that may or may not already exist. It could make you curious about kissing a girl, and bring you face-to-face with a temptation you wouldn’t have dealt with otherwise.

Our combined experiences and the cultural influence we receive through music, television and movies all can have a collective influence on the direction our lives end up taking.  To think that the music we listen to will not affect us is to discount the power that art has to stimulate our emotions and our minds.  That is what artists strive to accomplish every time they produce a piece of art.

Rather than entertain thoughts about sexual experimentation and planting kisses on unsuspecting strangers, it would serve you better to spend your care-free years hanging out with your friends and just being young.  That way, you won’t have to explain to your fiancé about the years you spent kissing girls and experimenting with your sexuality.

Men, just like women, want to feel special on their wedding night.  They do not want you to give them what lots of other people already have, but what has been reserved especially for them. Then when you’re an adult, you won’t hear songs from your younger years that remind you of the poor decisions you made.  Instead, you will hear familiar songs that remind you of your old friends and how much fun you had together.