As I walked into that support group for the first time I came with one solitary question. From reading the scriptures I understood homosexuality was wrong. 1st Corinthians 6:9-10 made clear that “homosexual offenders” were not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. For me it didn’t feel like a choice, the way other sins like prostitution or witchcraft were… I thought as long as I was attracted to men I was not going to inherit the kingdom of heaven. I also read in the Gospels accounts of Jesus walking through town healing the lame, blind and deaf even raising people from the dead. My question to the leadership at the group was: “If being gay means I’m going to hell… and if Jesus can heal me… why am I still gay?”

Here is what I’ve learned along the way.

1. When the Bible speaks about homosexuality, its talking about a behavior not a person. When we read the Bible, we look at it through our own cultural filter. We see words such as “homosexual” and think “gay.” what is sad is that today “gay” defines a person not just a behavior. But that was not the case when it was written. The word “homosexual” didn’t even exist until the late 1800s when Karl Maria Kertbenny coined the term “homosexual” to describe someone attracted to the same sex. I struggled because I thought Homosexual was someone I was, not something I did… I felt condemned by my own existence. All other sins were a choice… Prostitution was a choice, idolotry was a choice, slander was a choice… but being gay wasn’t a choice. I had to learn that the Bible wasn’t condemning me because I was struggling, it was condemning an action that very much was a choice.

2.God cares more about your character than He does about your convenience: It is true that God can do anything; what I overlooked was His will. Yes, we see instances in the Bible where God heals people of infirmities, but it is far more common in scripture that His people go through tribulation and temptation. In Romans 8:28, after being told that there is no condemnation in Christ, Paul reassures us that “all things work for the Good of those who love God.” In 2nd Corinthians 3:18 we are told that ultimately we are being transformed into the likeness of God. Would this be accomplished if God simply took my struggle with homosexuality away? Probably not! As people who don’t struggle with homosexuality are also in need of being transformed into the image of God. Rather, God can take my struggle with homosexuality, and make it serve His purpose of drawing me closer to Him. Even Paul speaks of a “thorn in his flesh” which he pleaded for God to take away three times to which God replied “my grace is sufficient for you.” If God did not take the temptations (whatever they were) away from Paul, why should I expect Him to take away mine?

3. lastly, I had to be reminded of a truth that is found throughout the Bible. God does not promise His believers that life will be easy. In fact quite the opposite. In John 16:33 Christ tells his followers “In this world, you will have trouble.” I was living in the false assumption that following God was going to make all my struggles go away. But we should be encouraged because Christ goes on to say “But take heart, for I have overcome the world!” The idea of God as my cosmic concierge, solving my problems and granting me my every wish is very much a modern western idea. Its microwave Christianity. Its prosperity Gospel and it simply is not scriptural. What is scriptural is that He will never leave us nor forsake us. That in all our temptations he provides grace and strength to resist. That He loves us. As a good friend once told me “God never promised that it would be easy, He only promised that it would be worth it!”

All that to say, be encouraged. God does not condemn you. He does have a plan, and will use even this to draw you close to Him. If you face temptation, know that He loves you and promised He will never leave you nor forsake you, draw near to Him and He will draw near to you… It may not be easy, but He is totally worth it!

This was not the first study of its kind, neither would it be the last. For years, scientists have been trying to discover the etiology (or cause) of same gender attractions.  Far from purely scientific the research has political consequences as well. Studies have shown that the public’s beliefs about the origins of sexual orientation are directly correlated to their attitude regarding homosexuality and serve to further political causes.  As such a lot of the science has fallen into the hands of political Ideologies. But apart from the politics of science,  what does the research actually say? Is homosexuality learned or innate? Furthermore, is change possible?

To begin, it’s important to clear up a common misunderstanding about the language used in research. Much of the research to date suggest that there may be a biological link to homosexuality. Many have mistakenly taken this to mean that people are born gay – but that is not necessarily what the research suggests. Many things have been found to have a biological link yet we consider within our control. In fact, Dr. Jeffrey Satinover in his book Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth makes the illustration that a person could be born with genes making him tall with great eye-hand coordination, but his genes alone did not make him a basketball player, in fact he had to train and be exposed to basketball before he could become a basketball player. The same kid could have easily devoted himself to academia and become a lawyer, his genes simply gave him the tools needed to become an accomplished basketball player… this is why many scientist are now choosing to say there might be a “pre-disposition”  to homosexuality. The same way we can be predisposed to heart disease, smoking or basketball.(94)

As for actual studies that have been published, three in particular are held up by some as pointing to a ”gay gene.” Simon LeVay’s Hypothalamus study, Bailey and Pillard’s Twin studies as well as Dean Hamer’s Chromosome study of 1993. The studies made  headlines when  first published years ago making the case for innate homosexuality, and in fact headlines such as the Wall Street Journals which claimed “Research Points Towards Gay Gene” may lead the casual reader to believe a gay gene was found, but what did these studies actually find?

First lets look at the Dean Hammer study mentioned at the beginning. Newspapers claimed the study found a Gay Gene, but is it true? In this study, Hammer and his colleagues noticed that some gay identified men typically had gay identified uncles as well, but only on the mothers side. concluding that since women have (XX) Chromosomes while men have (XY) Chromosomes, Hammer and colleagues hypothesized that if there was a gay gene, it would likely be in the “X” Chromosomes since mothers can only pass on an X chromosome. After studying a group of families who fit their model of gay men with gay uncles of maternal lineage, a deviation was found in a portion of the X chromosome labeled Xq28. The Report concluded that if homosexuality was genetic, the cause could probably be found in the Xq28 region of the X chromosome. Though the study does raise some interesting questions, the population studied was too small to be of any statistical significance and the results of the Hammer study have not been able to be replicated. In fact as of June 25th 1995, Science magazine confirmed that Hammer was under investigation by the Office of Research Integrity at the Department of Health and Human Services for selectively reporting his data. In other words he reported only the data that would suggest homosexuality was innate.

Another famous study is that of Simon LeVay. In 1991, Levay studied the brain structures of deceased men attempting to see if there was any difference in the structures of heterosexual and homosexual men’s brains. What he found was that on average, the INAH-3 section of the Hypothalamus (a part of the brain widely believed to be involved in sexuality,) was smaller in gay identified men than in heterosexual men. Again, criticism of the study includes that the sample was too small to be of any statistical significance. Furthermore, the report stated that “on average” gay men’s hypothalamus was smaller… but in fact some gay men had larger INAH-3 sectors. Therefore,  though “on average” these gay men had a smaller hypothalamus, it was not uniformally small and could not definatively be linked as the cause of homosexuality.

Furthermore, LeVay’s sample of heterosexual men was an assumed sample, in other words, he assumed the men in his heterosexual sample were indeed heterosexual though it could not be confirmed. What’s more, LeVay points out in his own book Queer Science: The Use and Abuse of Research into Homosexuality that “the observations were made on adults who had already been sexually active for a number of years. To make a really compelling case, one would have to show that these neuro-anatomical differences existed early in life – preferably at  birth. Without such data, there is always at least the theoretical possibility that the structural differences are actually the result of differences in sexual behavior.” And admits that “another limitation arises because most of the gay men whose brains I studied died of AIDS.”(143-144)

The media repeatedly touted the LeVay studies as proof of a biological basis to homosexuality, but LeVay himself dismissed these claims saying in a 1994 issue of Discover magazine that “It’s important to stress what I didn’t find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn’t show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.”

Lastly a major study cited is Bailey and Pillard’s “Twin Studies.” The study was based on a very simple premise: If homosexuality is genetically determined, then Identical twins (which share Identical DNA) should both be gay. In 1991, the researchers released their findings which stated that 52% of Identical twins were both gay. Some argue that this would prove homosexuality is genetic since the concordance rate of both twins being gay is higher than the prevelancy of homosexuality in the general population, but other scientists argue that the findings in fact make a strong case that environment is key in developing homosexuality. They argue that if homosexuality was genetically determined (as opposed to influenced) it must reach close to a 100% concordance rate, much like twins having the same colored eyes (a trait which is genetically determined). However the research seems to indicate that homosexuality may be genetically influenced much like weight in identical twins which can vary due to environmental factors such as diet and exercise. Criticism of the study includes that the sample was self selected, meaning people volunteered knowing the purpose of the study, as such it can be expected that homosexual twins would have overwhelmingly volunteered as opposed to twins in general.

An interesting interpretation concerning twin studies comes from lesbian author and researcher Lisa Diamond in her latest book titled Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire in which she chronicles the natural shift of sexual identity in women over a ten year period. Concerning twin studies she writes: “When considering these heritability estimates, it is useful to compare them to heritability estimates that have been calculated for other complex behavioral traits. For example, twin studies have found that the heritability of smoking (a behavior that most people consider to be under conscious control and yet situationally influenced) is also around 60 percent. Similar estimates have been found for the heritability of marijuana and alcohol use. Even job satisfaction shows significant heritability, most likely because it is strongly related to personality, which yields heritability estimates ranging from 45 to 60 percent. We tend to trumpet biological effects when it comes to homosexuality, but I have yet to see the cover of Time or Newsweek display a newborn baby with the headline ‘Born unsatisfied with his job?’”(31-32)

Some more recent studies that shed a new light on the issue of sexuality include the one mentioned above, Lisa Diamond’s own research documenting the sexual fluidity she discovered in women. She demonstrated that women can not only to go from heterosexual to homosexual but from homosexual to heterosexual as well. She states that “The most unexpected finding was that five women actually gave up their lesbian or bisexual identities, and an additional five women started calling themselves heterosexual!…The women who started calling themselves heterosexual typically reported that their same-sex attractions simply were not strong enough to justify identifying as lesbian or bisexual. They were generally more interested in men and expected to end up with men down the line.” (63)

Also, recently published was another longitudinal (meaning long-term) study of Ex-Gays by Dr. Stanton Jones and Dr. Mark Yarhouse. In their book Ex-Gays? A Longitudinal Study of Religiously Mediated Change in Sexual Orientation, Drs Jones and Yarhouse conclude after following former homosexuals involved in Exodus ministries that “We believe we have provided evidence that change of homosexual orientation may be possible through involvement in Exodus ministries. The change may take the form of a reduction in homosexual attraction and behavioral chastity; it may also take the form of a reduction in homosexual attraction and an increase in heterosexual attraction with what might be described as satisfactory heterosexual adjustment.” They add that they also found little evidence that trying to change ones sexual orientation would be harmful and in fact found that in some cases, it reduced anxiety and stress in some individuals. (387)

Perhaps the greatest shock to the mental health community came in 2001 when Dr. Robert Spitzer of Columbia University published his study on the efficacy of efforts to change one’s sexual orientation. The upset came in that Spitzer has long been known to be a friend of the gay community, and was instrumental in removing homosexuality from the list of mental disorders from the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM), the manual by which mental health professionals diagnose and treat mental illnesses. After extensive study, the skeptical Spitzer published his findings in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2001 concluding that sexual orientation can successfully be changed.

So are people born gay? Studies suggest that sexual orientation is an inter-play of both genetic and environmental factors. Genetics being able to predispose a person to homosexuality, but still relying on intricate environmental factors such as upbringing and social interaction to fully develop what some call the “homosexual potential.” Much like obesity has been discovered to have a genetic link, its understood that a person’s weight is ultimately dependent on environmental factors like diet and exercise.

Is change possible? Recent studies as well as first hand accounts confirm that sexuality is fluid and can indeed change whether through therapy or coincidentally over time. Researchers are careful not to claim that everyone can change their sexual orientation. Such absolute statements are as irresponsible as statements saying “people are born gay.” Researchers Yarhouse and Jones write that “some respondents experienced significant, meaningful change of sexual orientation in this sample, but we did not find that everyone (or anyone) can change. The fact that some human beings can break the four-minute mile barrier establishes that running a four-minute mile is not impossible, but that same fact does not establish that anyone (every human being) can break the four-minute mile barrier. So also our findings firmly refute any notion that change of sexual orientation is impossible.”(372)

In the end, I like the way psychologist John Money put it. He compared sexuality to the development of language. He argued that a person is not born speaking English. And nothing in their genetics made them learn English rather than Swahili. Rather, the fact that a person learned English depended on their native culture. It has been shown that brains are innately predisposed to assimilate a language, whatever language that may be. Once it is aquired, the language becomes so natural to us that it’s as if we were born with it. Yet no matter how natural our native tongue may be, we know we are not born speaking English. In like manner, no matter how natural our same gender attractions may seem, let us not confuse that to mean that we were born gay.

But as we know, sexuality is complicated and trying to reduce it to a neat sound bite only leaves us with more questions than answers. In actuality, the truth lies more to the middle, which should come as no surprise. It’s true that homophobia is alive and well today; groups like the Westborough Baptist church aren’t making the load easier for anybody. I imagine that there are scores of men and women living scared and lonely lives for fear of being rejected by their friends and family. But the opposite is also true, there are scores of men and women who once accepted homosexuality and have since left that behind…for reasons having nothing to do with fear of rejection.

In fact quite the opposite. Many of the people I’ve met over the years used to be openly gay, some were gay activists, and others lived with their partners for years. If they were seeking acceptance surely becoming “ex-gay” (as some have labeled us) was not the way. Those of us who have walked out of homosexuality face a double rejection as many even in the church as well as in the secular and pro-gay world question the validity of our change. So why change?

For one, many find homosexuality incompatible with their faith. Most religious texts make clear that homosexuality is a sin. It is true that many who pursue change are primarily motivated by their faith wishing to bring their whole lives (finances, sexuality, and morality) in line with their faith. This is a perfectly valid reason to leave homosexuality. People’s faith is an integral part of their identity defining for some even what they eat (but no one criticizes the Jewish community for keeping kosher.)

For others, their feelings did not line up with what professionals in the mental health community call a self schema. Everyone has a self schema; it is an outlook through which we see ourselves and the world. It is closely tied to our self image and self esteem. I for one struggled very much as the world kept telling me that I was gay when all along I didn’t believe I was. This wasn’t denial, this was conflict. My sexuality did not match with who I believed I was as a person or who I wanted to be. Like a piece of the puzzle that did not fit, my sexuality did not fit into the view I had for my life. I had to make a decision.

Was I going to live according to my values and who I believed myself to be? Or was I going to live only according to certain sexual feelings?

I have met other still who embraced their homosexuality and lived within that identity for decades. Their stories differ on certain aspects, some had long term relationships, some were promiscuous and unsafe yet all found their lifestyle left them empty. They simply didn’t know they had a choice – but once they found out freedom was possible they took the way out.

You would be surprised however that there are others… some famous who leave homosexuality for no other reason than their tastes have changed. In America we are familiar with Anne Hesche who had a highly publicized affair with Ellen DeGeneres, yet now is exclusively heterosexual in relationships with only men. Yet there are others still who have changed that are lesser publicized. Stephen Daldry for example, who directed Billy Elliot and The Hours was long known to be a homosexual until he fell in love with a woman, married and settled down.

Jackie Clune as well, a comedienne of British fame lived as a lesbian for upwards of 12 years until she, herself changed too. Writing in the British newspaper The Guardian, Clune writes “…after a particularly painful and drawn-out break up, I decided that for me being a lesbian wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My relationships had all taken the same pattern – idyllic start, passionate intensity, massive conflict, slow merging of identities, rebellion, more conflict, couple therapy…In many ways this is all standard-issue break up stuff, straight or gay; but I couldn’t help feeling my answer lay back on the other side. I longed for my own mind back…” (June 14th, 2003)

It’s sad but true that Homophobia makes life impossible for some gays. But when we choose to change, it’s not because of “internalized homophobia” as some have accused. We come from diverse paths and are all pursuing the best for our lives. Regardless of the reason, whether propelled by our faith or our belief that there could lie something beyond the gay identity… the fact still remains that the common uniting factor in our lives is that we all are trying to live our lives the best way we see fit.

“Jenny,” I said. “I’m Gay.”

“Alright…” she replied, “but do you want to be gay?” No one had ever asked me that before. No one ever gave me that choice. I knew I wasn’t born gay, but somehow I developed homosexual attractions and now I couldn’t make them go away.

I was born in Miami to a Cuban mother and a Colombian father. Due to “X” circumstances my mom and dad were unable to raise me and I was sent to live with my aunt and grandmother. Looking back now, I can see plainly that my whole family loved me but I’ve come to learn that sometimes the facts get missed and misperceptions can easily become truths to a little boy with unanswered questions. I wondered why my mom and dad weren’t around like the other kid’s parents. My aunt and grandmother never told me why, only that my mom and dad loved me very much. Cartoons and kids movies gave me the only answer I could find: “What is a kid with no parents? An orphan.” I came to the conclusion that my mom and dad abandoned me like a little baby left on the stoop of a kindly family. I barely knew my mother and rarely got to see her. My father lived in Colombia and I had no memory of him. I wondered what it was that made them want to leave.

To my aunt and my grandmother I was the prince of the world. No wish went unanswered. If I wanted a bike, I got a bike. If I wanted a toy, I had it within a week. I even remember a particular Christmas with dozens of ninja turtle figurines and a tent to boot! But both women had their own wounds and though they loved me dearly, they didn’t always know how to love me. My Aunt felt she had to compensate for both my lack of mother and father and had a hard time trying to balance being both the nurturing mother and tough father. As a result she often threatened to send me off to military school if I got bad grades. Many a night was spent crying dreading the bad report card in my book bag, fearing I would be sent away. As for my grandmother, she had been hurt in her past and harbored resentment towards men. Resentment she often voiced to me.

Like I said before, I knew I wasn’t born gay. I remember liking girls from an early age and having play ground love triangles. I remember my first kiss with Maria behind the lake and enjoying it. But around age 8 sexuality was corrupted for me as I was sexually abused by an older boy in the neighborhood. This brought alot of shame for me and instead of confronting the issue my family moved to a new neighborhood and never spoke of it again.

In this new neighborhood I made friends with another boy and his sister. Our relationship started innocently enough, spending every afternoon playing super Nintendo as fourth graders would. However, as their parents were never home; our curiosity got us into trouble as we discovered pornography. Our afternoons of Mario Kart were soon abandoned for afternoons of pornography as he, his sister and I sat fixated in front of the TV watching porn. This was the beginning of a serious porn addiction for me. I found myself attracted to the women in the films but felt ugly, unworthy and undeserving of them. I made the connection that good looking guys are deserving of good looking women and began to envy the men in the films wishing to be like them. As I continued watching pornography my fixation turned to the men, studying their bodies and comparing them to mine, hating myself and wishing I were them.

By 12 I received my first computer along with the internet and a new gateway to pornography. As my fixation was on men, my browsing led me to gay porn which idolized the male body. At first I was disgusted but as I was continuously exposed to it I became desensitized to it, and as I went through puberty I began to contextualize sexuality within the concept of homosexuality. What once disgusted me became tolerable and then even desirable until eventually it became an infatuation.

By this time I had come to put my faith in Christ. I read my bible and joined a church participating in their youth group and even becoming Bible Club president of my high school. I so loved Jesus that most everyone in my 4000 student high school knew me as “churchboy.” I thought the best way to minister to my classmates in those days was to put on a happy face and pretend to be a happy shiny Christian. I thought if everyone saw how great it was to be in Christ they’d all want in too!  But while in high school, as in love with Jesus as I was I secretly struggled with same gender attractions. I didn’t think I could tell anyone for fear of “shaming Christ” and being a “stumbling block” to weak believers. Sadly, it wasn’t until after high school that I realized Jesus is not a candy bar to be marketed but that Living Water can sell itself. I began to live a double life as I would often watch pornography all night only to go to school the next morning and pretend all was ok. I was desperately looking for answers but too afraid to ask.

All my life I had dreamt of being married to a girl one day, raising a family, watching our kids go off to college and grow old together. My faith and my understanding of the Bible told me that homosexuality was not in line with God’s will for my life. From all around me I heard teachers and pop culture telling me I was born gay, that I needed to accept it and “come out of the closet.” Essentially, I felt the world was telling me to abandon my faith and all my dreams of a family for a label and a life I wanted no part of. So I tried to pray. I believed God answered the prayers of his faithful and believed God would take away the struggle. I tried to ignore it and pretend it didnt exists, but it bubbled up each time with more intensity until I found myself on the floor of my room every night crying begging God to kill me or take away the struggle. But He didn’t.

Eventually, the summer after graduation I told a gay friend of mine what I had been experiencing. I felt so free. He told me everything I was longing to hear. He told me I was handsome and that he loved my sense of humor and that he had a crush on me for a while. But the freedom I felt soon disappeared as I realized I was more and more becoming a person I didn’t recognize with a future that I didn’t want. I began to withdraw and even became dark. This is when Jenny confronted me. She didn’t look at me with the christian pity face I had so often given people myself. She genuinely wanted the best for me and she genuinely wanted to know if I was happy being gay. I told her: “of course not Jenny! but what can I do? I’ve tried everything not to be gay but here I am!” I understand now that ignoring the problem and pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t “trying everything” just like ignoring a baby and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t stop him from crying.

She didn’t have all the answers but she did tell me she heard of a support group for people trying to leave homosexuality. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that before. I showed up at the end of that month and met 10 other people just like me who found themselves with attractions they never wanted (and some who were now living successfully apart from homosexuality!) The next month I went to an Exodus conference and met 1000 more from around the country and some from around the world. This was the answer to the question I had for so long been afraid to ask and for once I realized I didn’t have to be ashamed and I didn’t have to be afraid to ask questions.

I came back a changed person. Not because anything that happened at Exodus but simply because for the first time in years I had hope. Hope that I didn’t have to live a life I was unhappy with, that my dreams of a family can be fulfilled that I don’t have to be a slave of my circumstances. Hope because I saw real people living happily beyond the “gay” label: some who married and others who were just content to be single.

The five years that followed were hard, and there was a lot of work I still had to do. I developed habits and addictions over the years that weren’t going to be easy to break. But the key was community.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I did in high school and mislead anyone. I’m not a finished work. I’m still growing. As soon as one issue is resolved another surfaces that needs attention, such is life on earth. And I don’t want to sound like I’m saying “I was gay, but I’m ok now,” my story is not about that at all. My story is that I found myself going into a lifestyle I wanted no part in. I found myself taking on a label I didn’t want and becoming a person I didn’t recognize until someone gave me a choice, until someone told me I didn’t have to be gay. It’s about being empowered to live the life I want to live.

What kind of life do you want?