Why is it wrong to love someone of the same sex?
Written by: Mike | December 12th, 2007It’s not. God is love, and He created us to love Him and each other. You have a very real need to love and be loved by someone–by several someone’s–of the same gender. That’s a need that God cares about, and nobody is saying you should ever ignore it.
But God does have a lot to say about how love is expressed in different kinds of relationships. He created sex to be sacred and special, protected and pure. God didn’t give us a bunch of rules to follow because sex is bad or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. He doesn’t want you or me to lose out on the holy mystery He created it for.
Parents love their children, brothers and sisters love each other, and people also love their pets. One married couple can become very close to another married couple within a community. All of these are wonderful, love-filled relationships. I think we can also agree, though, that bringing sex into the expression of any of these loves would not be good. And these are all relationships that the Bible plainly tells us sexuality is not meant for.
The same is true for love between two men or two women. God tells us that that love is not supposed to be sexual (Lev. 18:22, Rom. 1:26-27).
But friendship between people of the same sex is a very important part of life. It’s a theme throughout the Bible; David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, even Jesus loved and cherished his disciples.
The first thing to recognize, then, is that God is not outlawing love, and He’s not trying to deprive us of it, either.
So why do we crave that kind of connection? Well, when sin entered the picture God knew that people would struggle with desires to do things we aren’t supposed to. Why else would He need to tell us not to do them?
The question to ask ourselves is whether our same-sex attraction (SSA) is simply just love, or if perhaps it’s guided by some other things as well?
Many of us who have chosen to walk away from homosexuality have made some pretty big discoveries that helped us understand our feelings and ourselves a lot better. For some, we realized that our sexual and romantic feelings for the same gender were deeply connected to the insecurity we felt about our own gender identity. Others also realized that they had negative (and untrue) perceptions of one or both genders, which inspired them to make promises that shaped how they grew and how they looked at life (e.g. “I’ll never be like dad,” or “I’ll never let a man touch me.”).
In recognizing and addressing these issues in our lives, we’ve found ourselves moving on to relationships that are much more satisfying, healthy and whole than what we experienced before. To us, that’s proof that God knows what He’s talking about.
It’s good to examine your life and ask yourself why you feel the things you do. God wants you to experience the fullness of the person He created you to be, and to accurately reflect the image of Himself that He’s lovingly placed in you. He’s also asking you to trust Him above all–above what our culture says, even above your own feelings.
17 Responses to “Why is it wrong to love someone of the same sex?”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
What I really don’t understand is…Why does it hurt so bad to care about someone of your own gender so much, but at the same time know it’s not meant to be?
November 13th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Xstrife, sometimes a what draws us to someone we have a lot of feelings for is more than just attraction or love. That’s why we focus sometimes on issues like feelings of shame, inadequacy, unhealthy perceptions of gender or relationships, etc. The pain and confusion caused by stuff like that can all sort of mix together and come out in our feelings for a particular person. That’s why the feelings you may feel for someone can be so overwhelming.
When that happens, we can get an idea in our head of what we want the relationship to look like, and often it’s a very unrealistic one. Accepting that it’s not “meant to be” may be painful, but as you grow more mature and secure you’ll be able to have healthier, more genuine relationships that are more fulfilling on a deeper level–and aren’t a source of dependency.
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:42 am
so…
what if I want to hug someone?
I mean, if there is someone (of the same sex of course) who I long for, and I imagine him hugging me, is that wrong?
November 25th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Hey, Cab. Hugs are perfectly ok. In fact, life without hugs would be pretty sad! The only thing I would say is that we need to make sure the affection we show is genuine, and not centered around trying to meet our own needs.
I can definitely relate to that feeling of longing for another guy’s affection, so much so that I have pictured in my head what that would look like. The trouble is, we can get so wrapped up in our imagination–and trying to make the relationship we’ve imagined into reality–that we don’t honestly connect with the real people around us. Real intimacy and fellowship isn’t something you can accomplish when you’re all up inside your own head.
That’s why we go to God with those inner needs that can sometimes feel overwhelming. He’s the only one who can adequately address those hurting areas of our hearts.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
A recent poster wrote a comment that got lost:
This might be a common question, so I would like to respond:
I’m not sure how to make the article more clear, but the point is not that people consciously choose to transform a friendship-type love into sexual desire. Instead, this is something that happens subconsciously and even against our own wishes. You say, “one can’t help what kind of love one feels for anyone.” There’s certainly truth in this, though I would argue that we definitely have a fair bit of influence over it depending on whether we choose to reinforce it, fantasize, pursue it, etc, or just let it go.
But in general, our feelings aren’t something we are consciously in control of. In many ways they are a mystery to us. But just because we feel something doesn’t mean those feelings are right and good! The Christian worldview states, in fact, that all human beings desire to do all kinds of things that are wrong, even wicked, because of our rebellion against God. Looking around the world, I see all kinds of people doing lots of terrible things, so that sure seems to be true.
So as imperfect human beings, we can’t just go with our feelings on everything. We have to evaluate them to see what is right and what is wrong. As the article states, not all expressions of love are good and appropriate. Homosexuality is just one example. Adultery, incest, and pornography are some more common examples.
December 26th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Ok so what I am wondering is…the benefits of marriage…I’m talking about the ability to go visit a dying someone you love when they have cancer…Why shouldn’t homosexual people be allowed to a right like that? Also, how do we know that homosexuality is even a bad thing? In Leviticus, homosexuality is called an abomination of God. About two verses before hand, eating shellfish is an abomination of God…? So if I eat shellfish, am I denied rights as well? Also, I know that when Jesus came, most of the rules and traditions of the old testament didn’t matter anymore, because Jesus was the new way to salvation. Well, Jesus never talked about homosexuality…so how do we know that it’s necessarily a bad thing? What I think is that the benefits allowed for married people should require something different, not marriage. Please answer my questions! I’m really struggling with this issue!
December 26th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Scott: So what if homosexuality is just another example of the sin of sex outside marriage? Why can’t homosexual people get married then?
January 15th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
shyne,
Here are a couple articles that speak directly to the questions you’re asking about the Bible:
http://exodusyouth.net/2008/09/09/what-does-the-bible-really-say-part-1/
http://exodus.to/content/view/129/35/
But let me give a quick response to your questions:
- is scripture clear that homosexuality is sin? Absolutely. God’s design (Genesis 1-3) is of a man and woman. He created them, brought them together, and that’s why they “become one flesh.” Jesus quoted this very text when he talked about why divorce is always wrong. The New Testament on several occasions specifically quotes the OT verses against homosexual behavior. Check out Romans 1:24-27 and 1 Cor 6:9-11. The Bible is consistent from start to finish that sexuality is designed by God and reserved for a husband and wife.
- but there are some things in the Old Testament that aren’t required of Christians? Yup, things like eating shellfish, which were ceremonial laws designed to help the Israelites stay separate from the pagan nations around them. The ban on homosexuality isn’t a ceremonial law, but a command rooted in how God created man and woman from the very beginning. That’s why sexual laws are mentioned as much in the NT as in the OT.
- but there are other sexual sins besides homosexuality, so does that make it ok? No, of course not. Premarital sex, sex with someone besides your husband/wife, homosexual sex — these are all behaviors which are direct rebellion against how God created us to live. So the real question is whether to obey God in what he says or not…
- isn’t homosexuality just another example of sin outside of marriage, so they should be able to marry? Not quite – homosexual sex is a further breaking of God’s design, being both outside of marriage and in addition being between two people of the same sex. Marriage wasn’t created by man, but by God — so it’s not something we can redefine to include two partners of the same sex. No matter what we call it, it isn’t marriage in God’s eyes.
June 13th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I have asked the same questions many of you are asking, such as "how do we know homosexuality is really that bad?" and "why is it wrong to love someone of the same sex?"
I was in a lesbian relationship for a year and we planned to move to Massachusetts to get married. I was the president of the gay-straight alliance at my high school, I was fully out as a lesbian.
What really made me start to question my identity was how unhappy I became toward the end of the relationship I was in. We did break up, even after promising we’d "be together forever" and even planning to adopt children. We were only 16 and 17 at the time, and we had serious needs (like affirmation and affection) that weren’t being met by our families. When we found each other as friends we definitely didn’t plan to become sexually attracted to one another. Well, I know I didn’t.
But I did know that lines were being crossed, and that we began to spend WAY too much time together. I also knew that when I felt physically attracted to her that it was because I’ve never felt comfortable around men. Instead of addressing these realities I stuffed them down and got more active in the gay community. I felt like I finally found my true identity. But 11 months into our relationship, I was having suicidal feelings almost daily and didn’t feel that "spark" anymore.
Did I consciously decide to fill my need for God with this relationship? No, I didn’t realize that at the time. But was it still sin? Yes.
We do things that are wrong ignorantly and innocently every day. Under Jesus’ blood we’re forgiven, though, and through God’s word we’re shown the way to life.
If what we desire is life, not death- why would we be sexual in ways that didn’t lead to life? The sex I participated in with my partner was not to reproduce- it was for pleasure only. At the time I told myself it was "making love" and that it was "okay because we were so emotionally attached". In reality it got more and more cheap and I saw it for what it was: sin.
Realizing I wasn’t born this way was a devastating realization. And living out my identity in Christ empowers me to learn more about the reason behind the same sex attraction I was led into. Same sex attractions may be something you struggle with intensely as a young person, but once you act on them and see how false the lifestyle really is, it won’t feel as appealing.
Let me put it this way- the attractions you feel towards someone of the same sex are not wrong, they are warning signs that you have needs that aren’t being met.
Homosexual feelings don’t somehow make you different from any other person on the planet, there are plenty of people who struggle with temptations to lie or cheat or steal, or act out sexually with people they aren’t married to,( of the opposite sex).
God made humans male and female to love each other as Christ loved the church. I feel this is basic understanding of the Bible, not just one nit-pick issue.
But always, the need for love is greater than the need for religion. Unless you understand that God loves you right now the way you are, you will continue to long for others’ love and attention. It is completely normal to have a need for community, for family, and for love.
But these needs must be met in healthy, nonsexual ways. If you must, try to find a counselor. That’s what I’m still looking for right now, as well as a healthy, nonsexual community to love and accept me. I have not had any lesbian relationship after that last one ended and God showed me who I really am: a woman created by Him. I’m not an orphan. It’s easy for people struggling with homosexual feelings to feel like such an alien, an outsider, or a reject. But that’s NOT how God sees you, and you must bring your needs to Him, your pains to Him, your frustrations,
so He can show you that you are already loved.
July 13th, 2009 at 11:41 am
So, for 2 years now I’ve had feelings for this one girl. The feelings eventually turned to love. I mean, I’ve gotton where it doesn’t matter if I’m happy, as long as she’s happy, I am. (You should know that she is straight, and she’s one of my closest friends, AND she doesn’t know how I feel about her.) Of course I’d like to hold her hand, I’d like to wrap my arms around her and just hold her forever, and sometimes I want to kiss her, to show her how much she means to me. I don’t want to be gay. That’s why I’m here. I mean, I’m a GIRL. It’s REALLY hard to fight your heart…… And you were talking about those other feelings? What other feelings?
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Umm…Hai guys…kinda new…here…
Boy, thats some shame you go through…
Anyway, I read your post Molly, and I know exactly what you are going through, cuz that’s what I am experiencing now, with one of my close friends. I mean, what you posted basically mimicked what I was going to say lol.
You are right, It is hard to fight our hearts, but, The bible says, in, Jeremiah I think, "The heart is wicked and desperatly sick. Who can understand it?" Or something to that effect… What it makes me think of Molly, is that our Hearts are sinful. And being born in sin, it binds us, and in our calamity, we are so used to it, so taken in by it, that we love it. We love being bound by our affection to our guy friends, or our girl friends… And of course, we hate it too.. Must be that whole born again thing…:)
It’s hard to fight sin (Our hearts), yeah, but I was reading on this today about how God gives us a way out of our temptation, and I suppose this site is maybe mine..well, ours. Jeez, it sorta sucks doin this…I would much rather go back to denial…But, then again, it’s full of nothin but calamity..
What I am curious to know, and I think it will help all of us, maybe, But, I always hear everyone say "Just give it up to God," Well, how exactly do I give this to him? I cant just wrap it up in a box, and say, "Here you go, God. Your problem now," Ya know?
August 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Thats a great question! what does it mean to give it to God?
There is an amazing speaker that addresses issues of sexual brokenness called Sy Rogers. He says that you must “admit it and submit it” what does that mean? He answers it means saying “God look at this(sin) I want this! But I want you more! Help me to choose you!” its not about giving it to Him and he’ll take it away. Its about choosing Him over the sin. Its about submitting it to Him. The good news is that the bible says “Resist the devil and he must flee” temptation does diminish over time. But its about submitting to Him (God) and to die to self daily. Its hard. I know… I would prefer to go into denial sometimes too! its so easy to just have these temptations and be swept by the tide of our passions… but there is such a great reward in resisting. For me its great to be at peace with God knowing I am walking in His will and knowing I can look at myself in the mirror every day and be ok with who I see. Keep pressing on!
September 28th, 2009 at 5:28 am
i am suffocated, suffering right now i was raised in a broken home
background. my dad have affair and my mum has been living in pain
for more than twenty years… i kept praying to GOD, so HE would
save my family but HE didn’t answer me maybe that’s how i became someone i dont want to be.. i was attracted to
some girls…but i always ignore the feeling.. then i have this
girl who is very close to me…i then started to develop feelings for her but i was in
denial coz im afraid to broke our relationship. i kept praying to
GOD to make that feeling go away… but then several months ago,
that girl kissed me..i know it’s wrong but i enjoy it.. as time
goes by, i love her really deep…i love her so much..she was my
everything. she was the only one who could give me the feeling of happiness for all my
life, i have never find someone like her..she loved me and i loved
her so much no one has ever make me feel so happy like the way she
make me feel happy but now she told me she realized we have no
future. i was really hurt by those words she said.. im willing to do everything for her, i could even
tell my family that i want to be with her..but its just too bad she
dont want to do it.. she was afraid that no one will accept us… i
told her, im willing to move to anywhere. i dont
care about my family..but i really want to be with her… i love
her more than anyone/anything in this world.. but she doesnt want
it…it hurts me so much i’ve been thinking of suicide so many
times coz i can’t live without her… i can’t tell anyone because no one knows about
us…and i don’t want to hurt her i really want to give up on my
life if i have to live without her i want to ask GOD why did he
make me feel this way…why did he make her love me but in the end
i can’t be with her someone please help me.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Seekpeace, I know the pain has to be hard and even unbearable. But it’s important to understand that no one in this world can meet all of your needs. God is the only one who can provide you with what your heart hungers for. I know it’s sometimes natural to ask God why He made us a certain way when we are in deep despair. Something I’ve had to learn is that God doesn’t invoke pain on His children. Unfortunately it is sin and brokenness of this world, passed down from generation to generation that causes hardship. But God is peace and love, and He is your provider.
Why it’s so hard to break from this relationship is because this girl was meeting a very real need in you. She was providing you with love, support, and encouragement. Some things you may never have experienced. That’s why it seems so hard to break from that relationship. She was your source for everything. But other people can’t be our source for everything, because like us, they are human and broken. When our source rejects us, it’s very hard to overcome. But when we acknowledge God as our source, it is safe to trust Him, because He will never forsake us. Don’t wrap your whole identity and needs in this one person. We do need other people…God designed us that way. But He did not design us to look to others as the source for all our unmet needs. Once you grow in relationship with God and He becomes your source, the pain will subside and you will walk freer than you ever were.
February 12th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I’ve been a Christian all my life and have also been confused about
about my sexuality throughout all my teen years and even before
then. I know that homosexuality is wrong. But what exactly is
homosexuality? Is it the act of sex between same-sexes that God
condemns, or is it the emotional connection that can form between
same-sexes, or both? By emotional connection, I am referring to the
type that would exist between a boyfriend and girlfriend- the kind
when they are too close to just be referred to as friends, but
rather as a couple. Can this sort of connection exist between same
sexes without it being labelled as sin, or wrong? In essence, what
I am asking is, can I love another male deeply (the same as a
regular boy would love a girl), all the while (and for the rest of
my life) abstaining from sex, and would I still be condemned by God
or fall into the same category as someone who has commited sexual
sin?
March 10th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Hello all, I still can’t believe I’m here..on this site..finally
doing the thing I’ve needed to do for the past 6 years. Although I
would never wish the struggle of SSA upon anyone, it does help me
(selfishly I suppose) to know that I’m not the only one. I first
realized it in the 7th grade when we were talking about how some
people are raised as a certain gender and then find out later that
they are really the opposite, that they were just late developing.
Well that got me thinking about my own sexuality; it was more of a
hypochondriac thing at first, I think, but I began to dwell on it
so much that it sort of took root. My remaining middle school years
were spent hiding it and compensating for this thing I knew was
obviously wrong to God by trying to be really nice to people. I
often felt depressed and even had suicidal thoughts, so during the
summer I would run to channel away some of the emotions. I couldn’t
understand why this was happening to me because I had been saved,
and I was under the impression that these types of things didn’t
happen to Christians. I prayed about it…for God to take it away.
I think someone else on here posted something about giving your
problems to God. At that time I really didn’t know what that
meant…that it involved giving more of yourself to God instead of
expecting him to just obliterate the struggle upon the asking of
the struggler. After a while it just got to be too much of a burden
and I had to tell someone who really couldn’t help me but lent an
ear anyway during a time I really needed it. Before then, when I
entered high school, I think I maybe had small panic attacks
(unsure), and I started dating a guy. I really crossed some
physical boundaries in that relationship (not “all the way) but in
ways that I certainly would not now partially because I thought it
would “cure” me. I did like the guy though, don’t get me wrong, I
just allowed things to go too far because of my problem. I’m a girl
by the way, so what I’m saying is that I still like boys–always
have. I just have this additional thing attacked onto it. I stopped
having suicidal thoughts after that, and realized finally that I
needed to tell someone who could hold me accountable. So far I
haven’t found that person yet. I would really like to find a
Christian woman who has been through the same thing and overcome
it/wrangled it. It’s just hard to find people like that without
telling everyone. I held back from telling anyone for so long
because saying it out loud would “make it official and for real.”
Or that’s what I told myself; I’m sure you all can relate. Not
until recently did I realize that “making it real” and getting it
out is the only way to fix it. Some facts to know about me are that
I’ve been a Christian in the sense that I’ve asked Christ into my
life and repented of my sins a long time ago– before any of this
arose– but I didn’t realize that salvation was a duel deal, or
that it doesn’t really help you here on earth unless you live by it
fully. My mom raised me as a Christian, and although my dad is not,
I am very close to them both. They would never suspect this out of
me. I’m the good kid, the quiet one who’s never been rebellious. I
have no idea what they would think, but I don’t want to break their
hearts. Also, I really want to get married to a good Christian
fellow and have a family someday; but I feel that I can’t do that
until I either deal with these feelings so that I don’t have them
anymore or at least get them under control. And I want to be
completely honest with my potential futute husband; I’m so afraid
that I’ll find a wonderful guy and tell him of my struggles and
he’ll shun me from his life. I know it’s futile to worry over these
things because I just need to focus on God’s will for my life (Let
His will be done!) and loving Him how I want to be loved, but it’s
just hard not to consider. You all know. I know I cannot live with
this plagueing my heart and mind– that is, truly live for God–
and I surely don’t want to die like this. So I guess what I’m
asking is how to begin the journey of self-discipline and gaining
the mindset that God’s love alone is enough. Could someone get in
touch with me? I looked for Exodus people in my area and they are
all so far away. A support group would be good too; whatever you
can find. I’ve looked on some of the other sites you’ve listed and
applied for the one forums group but my application hasn’t been
processed yet. I used to ask God why he allowed this to happen to
me, and while I didn’t turn against him for it, I used to always be
resentful. Now I really feel that everyone is allowed his/her own
struggles for the purpose of growing closer to Christ through them
(I know I am) and then helping others cope with/overcome the same
struggles. And I cannot believe I’m saying this—but it is turning
out to be a blessing instead of the curse I once thought it was.
Maybe when I get this under control I can help people like us;
that’s what I can hope to take from this. Thanks so much to all of
you at Exodus; your ministry is helping mend lives. God bless.
March 30th, 2010 at 2:27 am
Lookingup, have you found an accountability partner yet?? I can identify with you and your story so much! You said you finally told someone, who did you tell??? I’m asking because these thought have put me in such bondage, I know I need to reach out and tell someone, but I’m terrified that they won’t even give me a second glance as they leave, or they will never see me the same way again. I don’t want to tell my parents, it would disappoint them so much…